Under My Thumb (Serenade Series #1) (23 page)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

♬

Cash Matthews

My time with Prudence was coming to
an end. And I was devastated. I wouldn’t see her everyday. I wouldn’t see her at all. My bed would be empty and cold. I wouldn’t be able to sleep. My hollow and pathetic existence would return. I was alone.

I’ve never felt this way before. Did that mean anything? Was I in love with her? Was that even possible?

Sharon really fucked me up. I didn’t think it was possible to let someone else into my heart. But did I let Prudence in without realizing it? And if I did, should I let her stay there?

Should I ask her to stay with me? When she kissed me, I felt like there was something there, something deep and powerful. When she clung to me in the middle of the night, it didn’t seem like she wanted to let go.
When I thought I heard her cry in the bathroom, the faucet would turn on. And then I couldn’t hear a thing.

What was happening to me?

The arrangement I had with women was smart. There was no possibility of getting hurt. There was no possibility of another betrayal. It was simple and easy. Just what I needed.

But then Prudence came into my life.

That beautiful musician sung her way directly into my heart, bringing me out of my hollow existence. I’ve never laughed so much with a single person. I’ve never been with a woman without protection. I couldn’t remember the last time I made love to someone….was I in love with her? Should I stop her from leaving?

But then reality set in. She wanted to leave. She didn’t want to stay with me. If she did, she would have said something by now. I wished she’d felt different
ly. I wished her piece of shit ex-boyfriend hadn’t burned her so badly. She seemed determined to spend the rest of her life alone. I replayed our conversation from three months ago. She said I made her happy because our relationship was meaningless. She wasn’t afraid to get hurt. That hurt me like hell.

No, I shouldn’t say anything. That wasn’t a good idea. I would
n’t put myself out there just to get rejected. That would make our last moments together awkward. I could never take back those words, and she would never forget the memory. That isn’t how I wanted Prudence to remember me. I wanted to be a happy memory, a time of laughter and joy. So I kept it to myself.

My brother and I went out for a beer
and to watch a baseball game. We hadn’t been spending much time together this past month. I’d been soaking up every ounce of Prudence before she left. I didn’t have much time left. But she had practice with her band, and I didn’t want to be alone. It just made me depressed.

“How’s Prudence?” Denver asked. He finished his scotch then moved onto a beer
. His eyes didn’t leave the TV as he spoke.

“Fine.”

Denver detected the despair in my voice. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah.” I drank my beer then watched the screen. Hopefully, he’d believe me. If not, he’d pull everything out of me until I was dry. He could be such a fucking girl sometimes.

“Are you sure?”

“Denorfia, come on!” He missed the ball when it was hit into the outfield. I hoped the outburst would change the subject.

“Cash?”

Fuck. “What?”

“You seem…down.”

“Because the Padres are losing.”

“Cash, come on.”

I hate
d my brother. “Prudence and I…we’re having a hard time.” Actually, I was having a hard time. She was perfectly fine. Leaving me behind didn’t bother her at all. Fuck, that hurt.

“What’s going on?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. “We’re just…fighting.”

“About what?”

“Nothing important.” I kept my eyes glued to the TV. “These refs are rigged, I swear.”

“Just apologize.”

I chuckled. “If only it were that simple.”

“Cash, you better not lose her. I’ll kill you. And Mom will kill you again.”

My family had fallen in love with her. I never should have brought her around. They were going to take the breakup worse than I would. I couldn’t lie to my brother anymore. And I needed to get the pain off my chest. He was the closest friend I had besides Prudence. “I need to tell you something.”

His eyes widened. “What?”

“You can’t tell anyone, especially Vivian. I need your word.”

“Shit. This is bad, isn’t it?”

“I’m not saying shit until you give me your word.”

He sighed. “I don’t know if I can keep it from my wife. I tell her everything…”

“Then I’m not talking.”

Denver stared at his beer then sighed. “Fine. I swear I won’t say anything.”

My brother was like me, a man of his word. “Prudence and I aren’t together. We haven’t been together this entire time.”

“What?” He looked more confused than I’ve ever seen him.

“She and I are just sleeping together. It’s meaningless. And she’s leaving to go back home in a few days.”

“Wait. Then why did you introduce her to us?”

I shrugged. “You guys wouldn’t stop pestering me about being alone. She agreed to pretend.”

“But you love each other.”

“No.” Well, I did.

“Even if you were acting, you aren’t that good. And I know she’s in love with you.”

If only that were true. “No, you’re wrong.”

“I’m not,” he said firmly. “Hasn’t she been living with you for the past month?”

“Yeah.”

“Who lives together if they are just fucking?”

“I asked her to. I had to convince her.”

“Cash, tell her how you feel.”

“I don’t feel anything.” I finished my beer then ordered another.

“Bullshit.”

My brother wasn’t going to let this go.

“
Prudence is perfect. Don’t let her go.”

“She’s leaving and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

My brother glared at me. “If you love her, you need to try.”

“When did you become a girl?” I snapped.

He ignored the insult. “I used to be just like you. I was out with a different girl every weekend, and I never wanted to settle down. You can attest to that. But when I started seeing Vivian, that changed. When I realized I didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, I knew I found my wife. Don’t you feel the same way?”

“I don’t know…”

“Cash, yes, you do.”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I snapped. “She doesn’t feel anything for me. She wants to go. And I’m not going to be
g her to stay.”

“So you want her to?”

I stared at my beer, unable to meet his gaze. “I don’t know…”

“You love her.”

I couldn’t say it out loud. If I did, there was no going back. I’d have to commit to her and wait for her to hurt me. Hurt me like Sharon did.

“Then tell her, Cash.”

“No.”

“Why?”

“She won’t say it back.”

“Yes, she will,”
Denver said. “Mom even said so.”

“Mom said so?”

“When they had lunch together, Prudence said she loved you.”

That got my heart racing. But then reality set in. “She only said that to keep up the pretense.”

“Pull your head out of your ass, Cash. Tell her how you feel before she leaves.”

“No. She made it very clear what she wants.”

“Then what do you have to lose?” Denver asked. “She says she doesn’t feel the same way then leaves.”

“I don’t want to make her feel bad for not feeling the same way. That’s selfish.”

“And you’re being too unselfish.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore…”

My brother rested his elbows on the table and pressed his fingers to his mouth. He was thinking. And that was never good. “Isn’t she a good musician?”

“Yeah…” Where was this going?

“What if you could get her to stay without saying anything? You’d have more time to get her to fall in love with you.”

“What are you thinking?”

“Aren’t you close with Bill from Capitol Records?” Denver asked.

“Yeah.” I still didn’t see where this was going.

“Tell him to come to one of her shows. He’ll discover her band and she’ll stay. Problem solved.”

But that went against my rule. I didn’t want Prudence to be with me just because I did things for her.

Denver read my mind. “She isn’t like Sharon.”

I was still hesitant.

“Cash, either tell her you love her and hope for the best. Or go this route.”

My mind was racing. I really didn’t want to lose Prudence, but was I ready to take such a risk? If I didn’t, I’d lose more than I could afford. I decided to do it. I’d go to her last show and bring Bill along. And I
would tell her the truth. That I loved her with my whole heart.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

♬

Prudence Clearwater

I don’t
know when it happened or how it happened, but I was desperately, madly, and irrevocably in love with Cash. Every kiss we shared and every touch reminded me of the loss. I started to realize that Isaac was just a horrific mistake. It didn’t mean anything, but it cost me everything.

But Cash was nothing like that.

He was always honest with me, he treated me well, and I loved being with him. Living in the same house as him only increased my love. He always thanked me for making dinner, and he would watch me play the piano in the middle of the night. He never spoke, just listened.

His arms were always wrapped around me for the entire night. I was never a cuddler but that quickly changed after we started sleeping together. How could he experience all these same moments and not feel the same way? Why do I always fall for the wrong guys?

But now it was getting too hard. I kept dropping hints about not wanting to go back to London, but he never said anything. He just listened. I told him I’d miss him desperately, but he still didn’t make a move. I think he knew what I was doing, which was why he closed himself off. Then I felt foolish.

I couldn’t sleep anymore. Every moment with him was precious. And when I thought those terrible thoughts, I’d break down in tears. I’d go downstairs and out to
his patio. I cried while I stared at the ocean, knowing I would never get what I wanted.

I said I never wanted to be in a relationship again, but that changed when I met Cash. We were both broken, but we could make it work if we tried. I trusted him and he trusted me. We could do it. But he didn’t want to. And that was the problem.

I dreaded saying goodbye to him. There was no way I could keep a straight face and not break down in tears. It would be a dead giveaway of my feelings for him. And watching him let me go would be even harder. It would be heartbreaking. So I decided to leave while he was at work. It was the only way.

When he woke up that morning, I squeezed him tightly, loving the feel of his warm body next to mine. We were always wrapped so tightly around one another, never wanting to let go.

A sigh escaped his lips then he brushed his mouth against my hair. “Good morning, beautiful.”

“Morning.” My voice was emotionless an
d weak.

“How did you sleep?”

Horrible. I was crying all night. “I don’t want you to go to work.”

“That makes two of us.” He moved on top of me then separated my legs. His cock was hard and pressed against me, wanting to be inside me. Since I knew this was the last time, it felt different. I didn’t want it to end.

He moved inside me, sliding through my slickness, all the way to the back. “You always feel amazing.”

“Because you’re the only one who’s been inside me like this.”

He stopped moving, his eyes directed on mine. “What?”

I didn’t want him to stop. I grabbed his ass and pulled him into me. “I’ve never had it skin-to-skin.”

“Not even with Isaac?”

“No.”

His eyes softened while he looked at me. The he moved inside me again, making long and even strokes. “Prudence, I’m so glad you came here.”

Did he mean that? “I am too.” I dug my nails into his skin and enjoyed his fullness. It didn’t feel as good as it normally did, but
not because he wasn’t meeting his usual standards. I was too devastated about this being the last time.

He grabbed my hips and moved into me harder. “I could
do this every day.”

I could too. But I meant it literally.

“Every day,” he repeated.

I rocked from below and felt him stretch me. “Cash…”

“And I could hear that every day too.” He cupped my face and rocked into me.

Seeing the look in his eyes sent me over the edge. I gripped him tightly as he hit my sweet
spot, taking me to the place I loved so much. The tenderness spread through my body and I shook with the orgasm. I whimpered because it felt so good. But I also whined because it was the last time. No one would ever make me feel this good again. I would never find a man like Cash again. He was different, beautiful, amazing. And that hurt like hell.

Cash found his release then deposited himself inside me. “Prudence…”

I loved it when he said my name like that. I planted a gentle kiss on his lips while he finished. He stayed inside me for a moment before he pulled out. “I wish I could stay here with you all day.”

How could he say that to me
then let me go? How could he say that to me and not love me? Did he have this same relationship over and over, and not feel a damn thing? I really was a whore, a meaningless one. I had to get out of there.

Cash kissed my forehead then headed to the shower. I lay still, feeling the tears burn behind my eyes. I had to pull myself together before he got o
ut. Otherwise, he’d know something was wrong. And I couldn’t lie to him.

I looked out the window and took deep breaths. All my stuff was packed in my suitcases under the bed. I would leave immediately, not looking back. When I made this arrangement wi
th Cash, I never expected to find the love of my life, to feel more love and warmth than I did ever before. And the biggest thing of all, I never expected to get hurt. But I did.

He came out of the shower and dressed in his suit. He look
ed gorgeous like always. The muscles of his chest and shoulders were prominent even under the fabric. And his eyes shined bright. The blue tie brought out the color.

“Baby, everything okay?”

I cleared my throat. “Yeah.”

“Okay.” He grabbed his bag then approached me. He was going to give me the same kiss he gave me every morning, a special one so I’d think about him all day until he came home. He cupped my face as he moved his mouth against mine. He didn’t use his tongue, but he didn’t need to. I was shaking anyway. But the kiss didn’t
bring me comfort. It just brought me pain. I’d never feel those lips again. And he kissed me, feeling exactly what I did, without feeling anything for me. I was just one of many.

He pulled away then rubbed his nose against mine. “What time is your last show?”

I completely forgot about it. Probably because I wouldn’t be going. “At six, I think.”

He nodded. “I’ll be thinking about you every minute until I’m off work.”

And I’ll be thinking about you every moment for the rest of my life. I hugged him again and squeezed him tightly, enjoying my last second with him.

He rubbed my back. “It’ll only be for a few hours, baby.”

“I know…”

He kissed my forehead again. “I’ll see you soon.”

As soon as he walked out and shut the front door, I broke down in tears and sobbed harder than I ever had. Cash was gone from my life. Forever.

♫

When I showed up at the apartment, everyone was having breakfast. Gavin didn’t look at me once. He hardly bothered anymore.

“What’s up?” Desi asked
. She sipped her Starbucks.

“I need to talk to you guys about something.”

“You’re pregnant?” Gavin blurted.

“No.” I was too depressed to chew him out. “I’m leaving the band.”

They all jumped to their feet. “What?” Desi said first. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“We’ve been doing this for years. It’s time to quit.”

Gavin looked speechless. “Prudence, I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting and everything I said. But please don’t leave.”

My eyes softened. “That isn’t why, Gavin. We’re just wasting our time at this point. We had a good run, but it’s done now.
We need to get back to reality.”

Desi was speechless. “No. We aren’t giving up.”

“We played at least a hundred shows down here,” I said. “And no one even noticed us. Maybe we aren’t as good as we thought.”

Mason crossed his arms over his chest. “Maybe. But this is my dream. I can’t just stop playing music.”

“I didn’t ask you to stop,” I said gently. “But I’m leaving. If you want to keep trying, I’m sure you can find another bassist.”

“No one is nearly as good as you,” Gavin said.

Now he was being sweet again. “Life goes on.”

We stood there awkwardly. Mason placed a drumstick behind his ear. Desi clutched her waist, staring at the ground.

“Are you playing the last show tonight?” Gavin asked.

“No.”

“What? Why not?” he asked.

“Because I’m leaving.”

“You’re going home?” Desi asked incredulously. “Our flight doesn’t leave for a few days.”

“No, I’m not going home. But I’m not telling you where I’m going.”

Gavin’s eyes widened. “Are you staying here?”

I didn’t answer his question. “I already have a job lined up for a lab. I’ll be fine.”

“You’re staying here for him,” Gavin said. “I knew this would happen.”

“We broke up.” Just saying the words made my eyes burn.

Gavin gave me a sympathetic look. “He doesn’t want you even after all the time you spent together.” The sadness in his voice touched my heart. There was no gloating or joy.

I nodded slightly.

“I’m so sorry,” Gavin said.

“I’ll be okay,” I lied. I’d never be okay without Cash Matthews.

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t tell you.”

“Why not?” Gavin asked.

“Because you’ll come after me.”

“But I need to know if you’re okay.” Gavin was practically pleading. “At least give me that.”

“I will after you leave.”

“I’ll just call you, then,” Gavin said.

“I changed my number.” I didn’t want Cash to call me to check on me. I didn’t want to talk to him ever again. If he didn’t want me forever, I didn’t want him at all. “But I will call you when I’m ready.”

“What about Jeremy?” Gavin asked.

“He knows.”

“And he’s okay with that?”

Well, he’s okay with the fictitious version I gave him. “Yes.”

Gavin ran his fingers through his hair. “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”

I shook my head. “There’s nothing anyone can do.”

He stared at me. “Will you come back home eventually?”

“I don’t know…maybe.”

Gavin pulled me into his arms and held me close. “I love you.”

I knew how he meant those words. “I love you too.”

“Please call me if you need anything.”

“I will,” I whispered.

“Even if it’s just to talk. And I’ll be out here in a heartbeat. All you have to do is ask.”

“I know that too.”

Gavin pulled away then studied my face. Then he kissed my forehead. “You will always be my dream, Prudence. Time and distance will never change that.” He dropped his hands then stepped away, emotion in his eyes.

I hugged Desi and Mason and kept my tears back. I didn’t realize how hard this would be until it happened. Without looking back, I got into the taxi and drove to my new apartment. And I’
d never felt worse.