Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (20 page)

Frank Sinatra’s father once boxed under the name Marty O’Brien.

If you had to pick some last words, what would they be?

“Turn up the lights. I don’t want to go home in the dark.”

—O. Henry,
writer

“I’ve got a terrible headache.”

—Franklin D. Roosevelt

“That was the best ice cream soda I ever tasted.”

—Lou Costello

“Tell my mother that I died for my country. I thought I did it for the best. Useless! Useless!”

—John Wilkes Booth

“I want that fifty bucks you owe me and I want it now!”

—Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer, shot
in a bar by a drunk

“I’m a broken machine, but I’m ready.”

—Woodrow Wilson

“¿Quien es? [Who is it?]”

—Billy the Kid,
before being shot by Pat Garrett

“Mozart!”

—Gustav Mahler,
Austrian composer

“Bury me among my people. I do not wish to rise among pale faces.”

—Red Jacket,
Chief of the Seneca

“Turn your back to me, please Henry. I am so sick now. The police are getting many complaints. Look out I want that G-note. Look out for Jimmy Valentine, for he’s a friend of mine. Come on, come on, Jim. OK, OK, I am all through. I can’t do another thing. Look out for mamma. Look out for her. Police, mamma, Helen, please take me out. I will settle the incident. Come on, open the soak duckets; the chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me to get up. Henry! Max! Come over here. French Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone.”

—Dutch Schultz, New York gangster

“Don’t worry, be happy.”

—Meher Baba,
Indian guru

Asian elephants are more closely related to the extinct mammoth than to African elephants.

Ever wonder what inspired some of your favorite songs? Here are a few inside stories about popular tunes.

T
he Artist:
Screamin’ Jay Hawkins

The Song:
“I Put a Spell on You” (1956)

The Story:
Hawkins’s signature tune was originally intended as a ballad, but it came out as the haunted howling of a jilted lover. Listeners may have guessed (correctly) that the singer had been drinking when he laid down the vocals, and according to Hawkins, “Every member of the band was drunk.” Even the recording engineer and the A&R man, Arnold Maxin, were plastered. It was Maxin who effectively changed the song from a torch song to a frenzied rant by supplying the band with several cases of Italian Swiss Colony Muscatel. “We partied and we partied,” Jay recalled, “and somewhere along the road I blanked out.” When he regained consciousness, he had a hit record on his hands but no recollection of how he had made it.

The Artist:
The Tornados

The Song:
“Telstar” (1962)

The Story:
This landmark recording featured the very first use of a synthesizer and was one of the bestselling instrumentals of all time. The song was recorded in a makeshift studio in producer Joe Meek’s apartment: the mixing board was in the living room; the musicians performed in the bathroom, bedroom, and kitchen. Meek came up with the tune, but couldn’t read or write music, so he hummed the melody on demo tapes and then played it back to the band. The fact that they were able to discern any tune at all from the tone-deaf Meek’s fractured, off-key humming is a testament to their musical talent. Bad luck: The song became a huge #1 hit, but a French film composer sued Meek for plagiarism. Meek lost the suit, which cost him millions of dollars in lost royalties.

The Artist:
Serge Gainsbourg

The Song:
“Je T’Aime… Moi Non Plus
(I Love You… Nor Do I)” (1969)

Longest word used by Shakespeare:
honorificabilitudinitatibus.

The Story:
There were several “heavy breathing” songs during the sixties, but none more notorious than this one. Originally written as a love song to sex kitten Brigitte Bardot, Serge rerecorded it in 1969 with his new lover, actress Jane Birkin. It features Birkin panting and moaning, “Je
t’aime, oui je t’aime!”
(“I love you, yes I love you!”), and Serge reciting unromantic lyrics like, “Between your kidneys, I come and go.” Moral authorities were outraged; the Pope even excommunicated the record executive who’d released it in Italy. But despite being banned everywhere, the single was a huge international hit. In the United States, the vocals were completely erased and it was issued as an instrumental.

The Artist:
The Ramones

The Song:
“Blitzkrieg Bop” (1976)

The Story:
Sometimes you don’t need to be on the record charts to have a hit. This early punk-rock anthem is played during almost every pro football, baseball, and basketball game. Sports fans shout out its chorus of “Hey ho, let’s go!” as a rallying cry. But most stadium spectators probably don’t realize that the band originally wrote the song as a celebration of gang rumbles, but with lyrics like “Shoot ’em in the back now,” it fits right into today’s professional sports scene.

The Artist:
Patsy Cline

The Song:
“I Fall to Pieces” (1961)

The Story:
Few singers conveyed emotion the way Cline did, and this anguished ode to the pain of an ended love affair sounded like she’d torn her own heart out during the recording session. Truth was, she hated the tune and didn’t want anything to do with it, but her record label was desperate for a hit and tricked her into believing she would be dropped if she didn’t record it. It became her first #1 single and stayed on the charts for an amazing 39 weeks. Oddly enough, Cline found out it was a hit after she’d literally fallen to pieces herself. Songwriter Hank Cochran recalls, “Patsy had been in a bad car wreck. It almost killed her. She was in the hospital with her head wrapped with bandages. I told her, ‘You got yourself a pop hit, girl.’ I think she thought I was just fooling around. When she finally got good enough to look at the numbers, she just laid back and said, ‘Damn!’ ”

There’s a replica of Bedrock, the town where the Flintstones lived, in Vail, Arizona.

These days, it seems that people will sue each other over practically anything…including their pets. Here are a few real-life examples of unusual legal battles.

T
HE PLAINTIFF:
Marie Dana

THE DEFENDANT:
Samantha, a 15-year-old cocker spaniel

THE LAWSUIT:
When Dana’s companion, Sidney Altman, died in 1996, he bequeathed his $5 million Beverly Hills mansion and $350,000 in cash to the dog, but left only $50,000 to Dana. The will did offer her $60,000 a year to mind the aging Samantha, but stipulated that upon the dog’s death everything was to go to charity. Dana sued the estate for $2.7 million.

THE VERDICT:
Unknown. The judge urged the parties to settle out of court.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Blackie the Talking Cat

THE DEFENDANT:
City Council of Augusta, Georgia

THE LAWSUIT:
Carl Miles, Blackie’s owner, exhibited the cat on an Augusta street corner and collected “contributions.” The city of Augusta said the enterprise required a business license and a fee, which Miles categorically refused to pay. He sued, arguing that such a fee impinged on the cat’s right to free speech.

THE VERDICT:
The judge actually heard the cat say, “I love you,” but ruled that it was not a free speech issue. Because Blackie charged money for his speech, the city was entitled to their fee.

THE PLAINTIFF:
Harold Marsh, Esq.

THE DEFENDANT:
Mezzaluna Cafe

THE LAWSUIT:
Marsh sued the Los Angeles restaurant on behalf of his miniature poodle, after they were asked to leave the outdoor dining section. The suit charged the restaurant with violating the dog’s constitutional rights and blamed “idiot tourists and other persons similarly insane” for complaining to the health department about dogs in the restaurant

THE VERDICT:
Unknown.

Thick skin: The bark of the giant sequoia can be up to 2 feet thick.

Snack foods may be junk, but according to Dr. Alan Hirsch’s Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation, they can tell a lot about your personality. Want proof? Check out this food-horoscope from Dr. Hirsch’s book,
What Flavor Is Your Personality?

A
RE YOU A Potato Chip? If
so… You’re an ambitious person, and a high achiever. You enjoy the rewards of success both at work and at home. Not a selfish sort, you enjoy the successes of your spouse and children, too. You also tend to be impatient with less than the best, and you are easily frustrated by life’s little blips—traffic jams and waiting in line make you crazy.

ARE YOU A Pretzel? If
so… You’re a lively sort of person, easily bored with the same old routine. You look for new challenges at work and at home… and can spend hours mulling over abstract concepts while you munch on your pretzels. You are flirtatious and like to dress in a provocative manner, but you quickly tire of a trend and are off to find the latest style. Pretzel lovers are intuitive, make decisions based more on emotion than logic, and they may be overly trusting in romantic relationships. They’re fun to be with, but they’re vulnerable, too.

ARE YOU A Snack Cracker? If
so… You think out problems using a rational logical approach. You tend to be shy, and avoid arguments because you don’t like to hurt another person’s feelings. Chances are you have many projects going at the same time, and they are competing for your attention. Cracker lovers tend to be loners who prefer private time, so you probably value those relaxing moments with no responsibilities or interruptions. Those who prefer snack crackers may easily find themselves involved in an online romance.

ARE YOU A Cheese Curl? If
so… You are conscientious and principled and expect others to be, too. You tend to take the moral high ground. With your finely tuned sense of right and wrong, you treat everyone in the same just and fair manner. You have integrity. You may appear rigid to others, but in reality you just know enough to plan ahead. In your house, the spare batteries and Band-Aids are right where they belong—just like everything on your desk.

Potato chips are the biggest-selling snack food in the U.S. and Canada. (Out of 100 people eating snack food, 70 of them are eating potato chips.)

ARE YOU Nuts? If so…
You tend to be easygoing, empathetic, and understanding. Nut lovers can be counted on to stay calm, even in the midst of upheaval, so even a screaming spouse or a disappointing boss won’t ruffle you. They do well in jobs that involve the public. Nut lovers may not be outstanding leaders, but they contribute to a peaceful home and an effective office.

ARE YOU Popcorn? If so…
You know how to take charge of a situation, and are usually quick to pick up the slack if the need arises. While these men and women have great self-confidence, they are rather humble—no one would ever call them showoffs. Popcorn lovers may hide their success so well that they appear to be a “poor relation,” while they squirrel away their treasures. If you inherit money from a relative you thought was flat broke, he or she was most likely a popcorn muncher.

ARE YOU A Meat Snack? If so…
You prefer to be with other people while you indulge. Meat snack lovers are at their best in the company of others because they are so gregarious—and sometimes generous to a fault. If you want a true friend, pick the meat snack lover: they are trustworthy and always loyal. They will go all out for friends and family, even to the point of making sacrifices.

ARE YOU A Tortilla Chip? If so…
You’re probably a perfectionist; if it’s less than perfect, you’ll redo it. Not satisfied with a mere A, you want an A+. These individuals are not selfish, so if you want a partner to help you fight an injustice, look to the people with their hands in a bowl of tortilla chips. Invite them over for the weekend, too, because they’re likely to be good houseguests. The tortilla chip lover is punctual and conservative. A male tortilla chip lover can slip into a tux or feel just as comfortable in an old T-shirt, but don’t look for a tortilla chip–loving woman to dress provocatively—she is rather sexually restrained.

Life is a series of possibilities.

I
F YOU…

are lost near a stream, your chances of finding civilization are much greater if you travel downstream.