Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader® (17 page)

They were all Civil War veterans.

On March 11, 2001, police boarded an Olympic Airways flight to Paris and arrested 23-year-old Jeremy Benjamin Mauri after he stripped naked during the safety demonstration. As they removed him from the plane, Mauri offered this bizarre explanation: “I did it for a joke; I’m impotent.”

In June 2001 a British company called Roke Manor Research announced that it had found a way to detect and track America’s “invisible” stealth bombers. Their secret weapon: cell phones—when a stealth bomber flies over an area with cellular phone coverage, the aircraft disrupts the cellular signals in such a way that it’s possible to calculate its location to within 30 feet using a laptop computer and a Global Positioning Satellite navigation system.

“We just use the normal phone calls that are flying about in the ether,” says Roke Manor’s spokesperson Peter Lloyd. “The front of the stealth plane cannot be detected by conventional radar, but its bottom surface reflects very well. It’s remarkable that a stealth system that cost $158 billion to develop is beaten by mobile phone technology.”

An 83-year-old grandmother on an American Airlines flight from Miami, Florida to Bogota, Colombia was taken into custody after she made a bomb threat while the plane was taxiing for takeoff. An official with American said that Beatriz Escobar De Rodriguez, a native of Colombia, made the threat after she tried to board the plane with a carry-on bag that was too big to fit in the overhead compartment or under her seat. When told it would have to be checked and placed in the cargo bay of the plane, she replied, “Did you see the bomb in my suitcase?” What she meant is unknown, but it didn’t matter—she said the “B-word.” The plane returned to the gate; grandma was arrested and thrown in jail. “Her penalty depends on the judge,” a court spokesman told reporters. “She might end up in jail.”

World’s largest manufacturer of female apparel: Mattel (they make Barbie clothes).

Here’s an article that was sent to us by Canadian professor Howard Richler. Of course we know that a country the size of Canada has many different regional dialects…but it still made us laugh.

So you think there’s no such thing as Canadian English, eh? Then tell me what this means:

The beerslinger posted a sign warning that hosers with Molson muscles, rubbies, and sh*t-disturbers would not be welcome. No sirree. Folks were drinking bloody Caesars and brown cows at the booze can. Heck, even the Gravol was free.

Translation for the non-Canadian reader: A “beerslinger” is an informal term for a bartender; a “hoser” means a lout; a “rubby” refers to a derelict alcoholic known to mix rubbing alcohol with what he is imbibing; “Molson muscles” is a term for a beer-belly; “brown cow” and “bloody Caesar” are names for two cocktails in Canada; a “booze can” is a term for an illegal bar usually in someone’s home; a “sh*t-disturber” refers to one who likes to create trouble; and “Gravol” is the Canadian proprietary name of an anti-nausea medication.

Here are some more Canadianisms:

All-dressed:
Food served with all the optional garnishes

Cuffy:
Cigarette butt

Browned off:
Fed up or disheartened

Two-four:
A case of beer

First Peoples:
The politically correct term for Canadian Indians

Bazoo:
Old rusted car

Fuddle duddle:
A euphemism for “go to hell”

Keener:
Eager beaver

Steamie:
A steamed hot dog

Gitch:
Underwear

The Can:
Canada

Schmuck:
Verb meaning “to flatten,” as in, “He got schmucked on the road”

Bite moose:
Go away

Garburator:
A garbage disposal unit

Anglophone:
An English-language speaker

Francophone:
A French-language speaker

Allophone:
Immigrant who speaks neither English nor French

Wobbly pop:
Alcohol

Keep yer stick on the ice:
Pay attention

Skookum:
Big and powerful (a west coast term derived from Chinook jargon)

Howdy, neighbor: 36% of the Great Lakes lie within Canadian territory.

And let’s not forget unique French-Canadian English phraseology, such as “Throw me down the stairs my shoes,” or “Throw the horse over the fence some hay.”

So, you all you hosers from Beantown, the Big Easy, and La La Land, before you visit your neighbors to the north in T.O. (Toronto, Ontario) or up island in B.C. (British Columbia), remember that Canadians have their own way of speaking English. And although the Canadian national persona is extremely polite, don’t forget that ice hockey is the national pastime and “drop the gloves,” a hockey term for “prepare to fight,” is also part of Canadian English.

In 1946 the following ad appeared in several southern California newspapers: “Wanted: Congressman candidate with no previous political experience to defeat a man who has represented the district in the House for 10 years. Any young man, resident of district, preferably a veteran, fair education, may apply for the job.” The ad had been placed by the Republican party. A man who answered the ad was awarded the job and did in fact defeat incumbent Jerry Voorhis after a dirty campaign. The man who kicked off his political career by replying to a want ad…Richard M. Nixon.

What’s stopping
you?
Though deaf and blind, Helen Keller learned English, French and German.

Here are the origins to some common phrases.

Meaning:
To win by an enormous margin.

Origin:
If a racehorse jockey is so far ahead of the competition that there is no danger he will be passed again, he can drop the reins—and his hands—and let the horse finish the race without spurring it on.

Meaning:
Thirteen—one more than a dozen.

Origin:
In the Middle Ages, bakers who sold loaves of bread that were lighter than the legal weight were subjected to harsh penalties. To prevent being accused of cheating on the weight, bakers would often give away an extra loaf with every dozen.

Meaning:
Exceptionally clean or smooth.

Origin:
This phrase appeared at the beginning of the 19th century, describing the whistling noise made as a sword tears through the air to decapitate a victim cleanly, in a single stroke.

Meaning:
Prepared for any contingency.

Origin:
American pioneers traveling alone through the woods, needed to be prepared for anything if they wanted to return intact. They carried guns powerful enough to bring down any dangerous predator they happened to meet, especially the fiercest and most territorial creature in the land—the bear.

Meaning:
It’s a sure thing; to bet everything you have.

Origin:
Just as they do today, 19th-century poker players would keep their betting chips—or “dollars”—in high stacks at the table, taking from the top when betting. When a hand was so good that a player wanted to wager the entire stack, they would pick up or push the stack by the bottom chip—literally betting with their bottom dollar.

A single, isolated heart cell will “beat” for as long as it has a fresh supply of blood.

Meaning:
To respond in like manner; a desperate measure.

Origin:
In order to extinguish huge prairie and forest fires in the early West, desperate American settlers would sometimes set fire to a strip of land in the path of the advancing fire and then extinguish it, leaving a barren strip with nothing for the approaching fire to feed on. Although effective, this tactic was—and still is—extremely dangerous, as the backfire itself can get out of control.

Meaning:
To aggravate.

Origin:
Hyperactive racehorses were often given goats as stable-mates because their presence tended to have a calming effect on the horses. After the horse became attached to the goat, it got very upset when its companion disappeared—making it run poorly on the track. In the 19th century, when a devious gambler wanted a horse to lose, he would get the horse’s goat and take it away the night before the race, thus agitating the horse.

Meaning: Without a second to spare.

Origin:
Even into the 18th century, some businessmen still kept track of transactions and time by carving notches—or nicks—on a “tally stick.” Someone arriving just before the next nick was carved would arrive in time to save the next day’s interest—in the nick of time.

Meaning:
Rapid success in a business venture.

Origin:
Sailors through the ages have used the same hand-overhand motion when climbing up ropes, hauling in nets, and hoisting sails. The best seamen were those who could do this action the fastest. In the 19th century, Americans adapted the expression “hand over fist”—describing one hand clenching a rope and the other deftly moving above it—to suggest quickness and success.

In case you’ve forgotten:
E Pluribus Unum
means “from many, one.”

Here are some of our favorite transcripts of 911 calls. Believe it or not, they are all true.

Dispatcher:
“Nine-one-one.”What’s your emergency?”

Caller:
“I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner here.”

Dispatcher:
“Do you have an address.”

Caller:
“No, I’m wearing a blouse and slacks. Why?”

Dispatcher:
“Nine-one-one. What’s your emergency?”

Caller:
“Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham-and-cheese sandwich.”

Dispatcher:
“Excuse me?”

Caller:
“I made a ham-andcheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table, and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.”

Dispatcher:
“Was anything else taken?”

Caller:
“No. But this has happened to me before, and I’m sick and tired of it.”

Dispatcher:
“Nine-one-one.”

Caller:
“Hi, is this the police?”

Dispatcher:
“This is 911. Do you need police assistance?”

Caller:
“Well, I don’t know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I’ve never cooked one before.”

Dispatcher:
“Nine-one-one. Fire or emergency?”

Caller:
“Fire, I guess.”

Dispatcher:
“How can I help you, sir?”

Caller:
“I was wondering… does the Fire Department put snow chains on their trucks?”

Dispatcher:
“Yes, sir. Do you have an emergency?”

Caller:
“Well, I’ve spent the last four hours trying to put these darn chains on my tires and…well…do you think the Fire Department could come over and help me?”