Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (45 page)

—Wire service reports, August 3, 1997

NAKED LUNCH

MELBOURNE, Australia—“Daring shoppers escaped the heat by taking off their clothes today in an Australian music store. About 50 patrons crowded Gaslight Music for its annual Nude Day promotion.

“The nude customers won free compact discs and were served a buffet lunch by a waiter and waitress and entertained by a pianist and an orator, all wearing only a smile…as the media looked on.”

—Reuters News Service
, October 18, 1994

NAKED LUNCH II

STOCKHOLM, Sweden—“A tourist in Stockholm could not catch the restaurant waiter’s eyes, so he stepped outside, took all his clothes off and reentered, shouting: ‘You Swedes only pay attention to nudes. Now will you serve me?’ He was arrested for indecent behavior.”

—The World’s Greatest Mistakes,
by Steve Brummett

TV comments about everyday life. From
Prime time Proverbs,
by Jack Mingo and John Javna.

ON BRAINS

“If brains was lard, Jethro couldn’t grease a pan.”

—Jed Clampett,

The Beverly Hillbillies

Dr. Crane
[about Sam]: “I was hoping for some insight.”

Diane Chambers
:“What insight could you possibly hope to gain from a man whose IQ wouldn’t make a respectable earthquake?”

—Cheers

“When God was handing out brains, he mistook you for a cactus.”

—Shirley Feeney,

Laverne and Shirley

“Yeah, she’s beautiful, but you can’t find her IQ with a flashlight.”

—Bill Maxwell,

The Greatest American Hero

“If brains were money, you’d need to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee.”

—Diane Chambers,

Cheers

ON HEALTH

Dr.:
“What you’ve got is a classic case of insomnia.”

Balki Bartokomous:
“Oh no…I knew it was something terrible! Okay, give it to me straight. How long have I got?”

Dr.:
“Fifty or sixty years.”

Balki:
“Fifty or sixty years? Oh, my God, a slow death!”

—Perfect Strangers

“In the world of ulcers, Unger, you’re what’s known as a carrier.”

—Dr. Gordon,

The Odd Couple

ON FEAR

Mr. Carlin:
“I think I’m overcoming my agoraphobia.

Bob:
“I didn’t know you had a fear of open places.”

Mr. Carlin:
“I thought it was a fear of agricultural products. Anyway, wheat doesn’t scare me anymore.”

—The Bob Newhart Show

“Claustrophobia? That’s a dreadful fear of Santa Claus.”

—Vinnie Barbarino,

Welcome Back, Kotter

Here are a few tidbits of obscure Americana, from the 1941 book
Keep Up with the World,
by Freling Foster.

DRAWERS ON SALE? DISGRACEFUL!
A New York dry goods store shocked America in 1876 with the announcement that it would thereafter carry a full line of ladies’ underwear. Until that time, all such garments were made in the home, being considered too intimate to be purchased in public. Besides, these unmentionables, when hung to dry on an outdoor clothesline, were always covered by a sheet to protect them from the vulgar gaze of passing males.

THE FIRST TALKING DOLL.
A doll developed by Thomas A. Edison about 1888 is believed to be his least-known invention and the only toy of its time that ever actually talked. The doll had a small phonograph in its body that enabled it to recite nursery rhymes, a dozen of which were recorded for its mechanism. After making several hundred of these dolls, Edison was informed that, years before, his company had sold the right to manufacture phonograph toys to another firm. Edison stopped production and had the dolls destroyed. Of the few he saved and presented to friends, only two are believed to be in existence today.

OLD-FASHIONED FAMILY VALUES.
In the early 1870s in Corinne, Territory of Utah, a law firm had so many divorce cases that it developed a slot machine and, through it, sold the necessary papers for $2.50 a set. At that time in the territory, no grounds for divorce were required, and these papers were so complete that they became legal when signed by the couple involved.

TAKE IT OFF!
The strip tease is one of the only forms of theatrical entertainment that originated in the United States. It was introduced in N.Y. burlesque houses in the late 1920s to regain the patrons they’d lost to the new musical shows on Broadway that were featuring nudity.

“Political correctness” isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be—after all,there’s nothing wrong with trying to be sensitive to people’s feelings. On the other hand, people can get pretty outrageous with their ideas of what’s “appropriate.” Here are some real-life examples of politically correct (or “incorrect”)behavior. How sensitive are you? Can you spot the “correct”one? Answers on
page 490
.

1.
In 1994, an English charity offered low-income kids at a local school free tickets to the ballet
Romeo and Juliet.
The school’s headmistress, Jane Brown, turned them down. Why?

a) She thought the play was “too violent for children under 13.”

b) She said the play was “blatantly heterosexist.”

c) She said she was appalled by the “lack of ethnic diversity in Shakespeare’s plays.”

2.
In 1978 the city council of Woonsocket, Rhode Island, struck a blow for political correctness by

a) Officially renaming the town’s manholes “personholes.”

b) Creating “ethnically diverse” streets, adding red and brown stripes to the white and yellow center lines.

c) Installing urinals in all of City Hall’s women’s restrooms.

3.
In 1997 the commissioners of Kelberg County, Texas, passed a resolution eliminating the greeting “Hello” for official county business. They replaced it with

a) “Heaven-o”

b) “Peace on Earth”

c) “Howdy, y’all”

4.
The Dutch founded the town of Fishkill, New York, in the 1600s (
kill
means “stream” in Dutch). In the 1990s, some residents started a campaign to change the name, because

a) It sounds like their water is polluted.

b) It discriminates against fish.

c) It celebrates “animal cruelty.”

5.
In the early 1980s, a white landlord in Tiburon, California, (near San Francisco) put cast-iron black “lawn jockeys” on many of his downtown properties. “It adds a little bit of charm to the place,” he explained. But local activists protested that it also added a touch of racism. So the landlord painted the jockeys’ skin “a pale Caucasian pink.” Problem solved? Not exactly. In 1994

a) A local African American minister started a campaign to get the jockeys repainted black.

b) The International Jockeys’ Union demanded that statues of women jockeys be included among the displays.

c) White supremacists picketed the statues to protest the “reverse racism.”

6.
In 1922, the high school basketball team from Dickinson, North Dakota, took on the nickname the “Dickinson Midgets.” Seventy-four years later, in the summer of 1996, the town’s school board decided the name was offensive and should be changed. The town responded by

a) Inviting a representative from Little People of America (an organization that protects dwarves’ and midgets’ rights) to discuss the issue.

b) Holding a recall election and replacing the school board.

c) Voting to change the name to the “Dickinson Little People.”

7.
Which of these incidents really happened?

a) A six-year-old in Lexington, North Carolina, kissed a classmate on the cheek and was suspended for “sexual harassment”—despite the fact he didn’t even know what sex is.

b) A customer in a Quebec pet shop threatened to report the store to the government’s French-language monitoring office because she was shown a parrot that only spoke English.

c) The 20,000 members of Britain’s National Plumbers’ Association were instructed by the government—at the risk of incurring a fine for sexist behavior—to stop talking about “ballcocks” and use the term “float-operated valves” instead.

Here are a few mistakes to look for in popular movies. You can find more in a series of books called
Film Flubs,
by Bill Gibbons.

M
ovie:
Gone With the Wind
(1939)

Scene:
Scarlett is running on the street in Atlanta.

Blooper:
She passes an electric light as she is running, years before the invention of the incandescent bulb.

Movie:
Foul Play
(1978)

Scene:
Goldie Hawn is sitting on a park bench, eating a sandwich.

Blooper:
As she eats her lunch, “the sandwich is whole, then half-eaten, then uneaten again, then half-eaten, then it has just one bite out of it, then it disappears completely.”

Movie:
Driving Miss Daisy (1989)

Scene:
Hoke and Daisy cross the state line from Georgia into Alabama. He comments that they’re in Alabama…then two state troopers pull them over.

Blooper:
They forgot to change uniforms. They’re dressed as Georgia cops.

Movie:
Star Wars
(1976)

Scene:
Luke returns safely after blowing up the Death Star.

Blooper:
He accidentally calls out “Carrie!” to Princess Leia. (She’s played by Carrie Fisher.)
Note:
It’s in the re-released version, too.

Movie:
Maverick
(1994)

Scene:
Mel Gibson is talking with a clerk at the railway station, in the Old West.

Blooper:
You can see a white truck driving across the screen.

Movie:
Batman
(1989)

Scene:
The Joker (Jack Nicholson) and his gang are defacing artwork in a museum.

Blooper:
One of the gang splatters a portrait with pink paint. In the next shot, the work is back to its original state.

Movie:
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
(1989)

Scene:
Hitler signs an autograph for Jones.

Blooper:
He spells his name wrong. He signs it
Adolph
, with a “ph”—the American spelling—instead of the German
Adolf.
And he signs it with his right hand; Hitler was a lefty.

Movie:
The Crusades
(1935)

Blooper:
According to Gibbons, “The king actually flips back his cape and looks at his watch!”

Movie:
First Knight
(1996)

Scene:
King Arthur’s knights are charging into battle on horseback.

Blooper:
There are tire tracks in the foreground.

Movie:
Psycho
(1960)

Scene:
Janet Leigh is lying dead in the shower, after the famous “shower scene.”

Blooper:
The corpse swallows.

Movie:
48 Hours
(1982)

Scene:
Eddie Murphy escapes from jail, with Nick Nolte’s aid.

Blooper:
Nolte puts Murphy in his car handcuffed. Then Murphy’s hands are free—he stretches one arm over the back of the seat. Next scene: He’s handcuffed again.

Movie:
Funny Farm
(1988)

Scene:
Chevy Chase jumps into a lake with his clothes on. He gets out of the water and gets into his car.

Blooper:
Next scene, his clothes have miraculously become dry.