Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions (17 page)
T
attoos have become completely mainstream, with college students, soccer moms, and businessmen deciding to get pictures permanently etched on their skin, joining the traditional demographics of bikers, prisoners, and sailors. Still, it’s a big commitment to get a tattoo; but depending on where you get it, you can cover it up—lower back, calf, shoulder, for example, can all be covered up with clothes when one grows too embarrassed or old to pull off that cobra in a Yankees hat riding a Segway.
Harder to cover up: a tattoo on your finger, especially one that was only ever undertaken because it was sort of funny. In a trend that’s taken off around Brooklyn, New York, college-age men and women get a permanent tattoo of a tiny handlebar mustache on one side of their index finger. Why? When they hold it up to their face, above the lip, it looks like they have a tiny, silly mustache.
The one drawback to a finger mustache tattoo (other than actually having a finger mustache tattoo) is that the joke doesn’t work if you’re wearing gloves. Problem solved: You can now buy gloves printed with a mustache on one side of the index fingers, which seems like a better idea, long-term.
W
ho among us hasn’t been in the awkward position of being trapped under an extremely tiny tree, with no tools at hand to free ourselves from almost-certain discomfort? Or perhaps we’ve needed to comb a stray moustache hair before an important client meeting, with no idea how to do it?
Well, if you wake up in a cold sweat dreading these, and only these, nightmare scenarios, you can now sleep easy, thanks to the Titanium Utility Ring. The ring, which is just 9 mm wide, is a multi-tool marvel that’s sure to make normal-size tools obsolete. Folded inside the Titanium Utility Ring are the essential apparatuses for persevering in any situation: comb, straight blade, bottle opener, saw, and serrated blade.
With so many miniature tools at your disposal, the possibilities are endless. Why, you could open loosely capped bottles, dig your way out of a poorly constructed prison, or have the most immaculately groomed hamster of all your friends. In fact, the only item the Titanium Utility Ring doesn’t come with is a sundial to measure how long it takes to do all of those things.
F
or many, the toughest part about smoking isn’t the smell, the bad breath, the social stigma, or the health risks, but the manual dexterity involved in holding the cigarette between your fingers. In 1936 one clever soul, Watson P. Aull of St. Louis, tried to give comfort to clumsy smokers everywhere when he created the Cigarette Ring.
Worn on the index finger, the Cigarette Ring was a tiny clamp that sat on a base. Smokers would place the cigarette into the clamp, whereupon it could be puffed with ease, particularly by those who like to gesture with their hands when they talk. When finished, the smoker would simply unlock the clamp and dispose of the cigarette. The ring portion wrapped itself around the finger via a series of beads with a spring on one side. This allowed smokers of all shapes and sizes to pass theirs down from generation to generation (early, because of emphysema) without having to take them to the local jeweler to get them resized.
But although the ring angled the cigarette to keep the other fingers away from the lit end, Aull forgot to include a receptacle, meaning that the falling ashes would land directly on the user’s hand.
N
o matter how weird an item may be, it’s still a fair bet that someone somewhere will see it and say, “I must have it! I simply must!” Sometimes, though, you see something and find yourself a little concerned about what sort of person would get excited about an item like that, and the Mannequin Guitar is absolutely one such item.
Why? In short, because it’s one of the creepiest things you’re likely to ever see, let alone play. For reasons unknown, Lou Reimuller, a luthier by trade (that’s someone who makes and repairs stringed instruments), decided that what the world needed was for someone to take a guitar and meld it into the abdomen of an armless mannequin of a little girl. “Sure, it freaks me out,” you might say. “But how does it sound?” It’s a valid question, but, frankly, we’re not even sure that anyone beyond its creator has ever played the thing. Some might give Reimuller points for thinking outside the box, but most would likely take one look at this disconcerting amalgamation and call the authorities.
T
he problem with studying the Earth is that we’re all standing on it. Imagine trying to describe the appearance of a house without ever leaving the interior. It can be done, but only with lots of inference and extrapolation, and with questionable accuracy.
Professor Dan Lathrop of the University of Maryland is tackling this problem head-on. He studies the Earth’s magnetic field—the force that makes compass needles point north and helps shield the planet from solar radiation. The field is not a constant; its polarity flip-flops occasionally, and the field appears to be weakening overall with time. Lathrop wants to construct a theoretical model to predict the field’s future behavior. His solution: Create a physical model, a mini-Earth to mimic the real thing on a manageable scale.
Lathrop’s first attempt, a two-foot-diameter ball weighing 500 pounds, was unsuccessful. Since 2008 he’s been working on the Three Meter Geodynamo—a 10-foot, 30 ton sphere. When filled with a core of molten sodium and set spinning at 90 mph, it will—in theory—provide invaluable data about the workings of our planet. And if this one doesn’t work as expected, well, surely there are other uses for a gigantic model of the Earth. Perhaps a model-train layout.
A
cowboy named Sam Cody had severeal interests: guns, prospecting, horses …and kites. In 1902 Cody invented a kite that could lift a man half a mile into the air. During testing for the Cody Box Kite, he suffered numerous injuries, such as a broken arm and a near-drowning. Undeterred, Cody did what one does with any whimsical invention: He demonstrated his kite to the British navy so it could be used to kill people. The Cody Box Kite, in fighting mode, offered such features as a camera and a rifle, sort of like an extremely rudimentary fighter jet.
The navy declined to adopt the Box Kite for military use. Despite this setback, Cody went on to invent a variety of successful flying devices, including a plane that would become the first aircraft flown in British airspace. (Later, he managed to fly a plane directly into a cow, which is also neat.) He also created a Kite Boat, in which he somehow traversed the English Channel. In 1913 Cody died much as he lived: hurtling to the ground in a Waterplane, another of his inventions.
T
he production of wood products wreaks environmental damage, from habitat loss to pollution to splinters. Fortunately, progress is steadily being made towards sustainable alternative that will allow both trees and environmental advocates to breathe a sigh of relief. One possible option: Arboform.
This product could be the most exciting thing to happen to watery wood products since Wite-Out. Arboform was invented in the late ’90s by a group of German scientists at the Fraunhofer Institute for Chemical Technology. They discovered that lignin, a key element of wood, can be transformed into a plastic-like material when mixed with resins and other natural substances. Unlike normal wood, Arboform doesn’t require trees to be cut down, and it can be easily cast into just about any shape imaginable. It’s also biodegradable and doesn’t muck up the environment like common plastic products that require millions of barrels of oil to make every year.
Everything from baby toys to stereo speakers is now made out of Arboform, but TECNARO, the German company that produces the stuff, has yet to put the logging industry out of business.
I
t has long been accepted wisdom, if impossible to prove, that talking to one’s plants can help them grow. An inventor took this a step further and found a way to make the plants talk back, and even possibly predict the future.
The Entertaining Growth System is basically a flowerpot that comes with a form-fitting lid that has two holes—labeled “yes” and “no”—cut out of it. Simply plant a seed as you would any other, then ask it a question. Whichever hole the seedling pokes itself out of is the answer, provided that the germination takes place before the question is forgotten. It’s like a Magic 8-Ball, but with only two answers and no instant gratification.
Although phototropism means that the plant would poke out itself out of one of the holes, the inventor may not have realized that it would always go toward the hole that received the most light. Therefore, through proper placement, owners could literally bend the plants to their own will and game the fortune-telling processing a bit, the botanical equivalent of leaning on the Ouija Board gamepiece.
W
hen he was nine years old, Rob Spence lost his right eye in a shooting accident. Years later, the documentary filmmaker came up with an idea while looking at the camera on his smartphone. If a working, high-performance camera lens could be made small enough to fit into a handheld phone, surely something similar could fit inside his empty eye socket.
Spence called his friend Kosta Grammatis, an engineer. Together, they spent three weeks designing a robotic eye similar to the ones in the cranium of the unstoppable T-800 cyborg played by Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1991 movie
Terminator 2
. Using a tiny camera donated by OmniVision, a company that specializes in pint-size photography equipment, they constructed a prosthetic device called “the Eyeborg.” It fits inside Rob’s empty socket. He also has a second version that glows red, much like the electric eye of a Terminator.
Unfortunately, the Eyeborg isn’t connected to his brain and hasn’t restored his vision. Instead, it shows others how Rob views his surrounding environment in real time via a handheld screen. Still, the prototype was listed as one of the “Best Inventions of 2009” by
Time
. While it’s fairly rudimentary, the Eyeborg is a step in the right direction. With more advanced technology along these lines, maybe in another decade or two humanity will be able to say, “Hasta la vista, blindness.” (Get it?)
O
ne of the drawbacks of commuting by bicycle (along with cars and the fact that it is exercise) is wearing a helmet. Many cities now require cyclists to wear them, but they totally mess up your hair and they’re a pain to carry around—protection from head injury be damned.
But now there’s a solution for those who cycle but hate to wear a helmet. In 2005 Swedish design students Anna Haupt and Terese Alstin designed the Hövding, or the “invisible bike helmet.” The concept won them a grant, and after several years of tweaking, the Hövding hit the market in 2011. Not really a helmet, the Hövding falls somewhere between a collar and an airbag. Worn around the neck, it contains a protective bag that inflates in a fraction of a second if the wearer gets in an accident. The Hövding has a sensor that tracks “abnormal movements.” If it detects something’s amiss, a gas inflator fills the bag with helium.
The Hövding runs on a battery that’s charged via a USB cord, much like a smartphone. The helmet also contains an airplane-style “black box” that records the acceleration and velocity of the wearer during an accident, information that could come in handy on an insurance claim. As if that weren’t enough, users can order colorful removable liners so that their Hövding can match any outfit. A Hövding will set you back 499 euros, or about $665.