Read Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Weird Inventions (14 page)
Of course, now that science has solved the mystery of where all the missing socks go, science will have to come up with a new go-to hack joke for standup comedians.
M
ost of Japan’s population lives in crowded metropolises like Tokyo and Kyoto, where apartments, while expensive, are often less than 800 square feet, scarcely larger than a dorm room. Japanese make do with small refrigerators, which certainly can’t hold an unwieldy, oblong object like a watermelon.
In the early ’80s, a farmer in Shikoku came up with an ingenious solution: He started growing watermelons in tempered-glass boxes. As the melons grew, their sides were impeded by the edges of the boxes. Instead of taking on a traditional, blimp-like shape, they became cubic. The square fruits, which are sometimes referred to as bonsai watermelons, are easy to transport, stack on market shelves, and store in tiny fridges.
They’re also a luxury item. Only around 1,000 of them are grown each year, and they cost 10,000 Yen—around $114. They can’t be found in an average Japanese grocery store, and are typically sold in high-end supermarkets and even department stores in posh areas like Tokyo’s Ginza district.
While the square types are still popular in Japan, in recent years they’ve been upstaged by watermelons shaped like triangles, pyramids, and hearts, which are a trendy Christmas gift. Strangest of them all is a melon that’s shaped like a human face. Cost of these more elaborate melons: the equivalent of $500 and up.
C
oncerns about the dangers of secondhand smoke have led local governments to ban cigarettes in so many places that smokers can be forgiven for feeling they’ve been banished to Siberia. But back in 1989, one inventor created a contraption that might have fended off decades of municipal legislation: the Smoker’s Hat. It was an apparatus that sought to nullify the health impacts—and the noxious odors—of cigarette smoke.
The concept was as ingenious as it was simple and fashion-forward, which is to say, not at all. The battery-powered, head-mounted device vacuumed up smoke that emerged from the user’s cigarette, then sucked it through an ionizing and deodorizing filter. It even spritzed a refreshing scent before shooting the transformed smoke through an exhaust fan. For the smoker’s convenience, the hat featured two cigarette-pack holders, a visor, and, to turn smoking into a dangerously hands-free activity, a clip that held the butt in front of the smoker’s face.
F
inally, the male bra–previously known only as a sight gag called “the Bro” in an episode of
Seinfeld
–is a reality. Yes, Japanese men who want to enjoy the comfort and support of a bra need no longer skulk through the racks at Victoria’s Secret (or the Japanese equivalent) and make up stories about trying on some delicate unmentionables “for my wife, who is not here right now.” And for that you can thank WishRoom’s Men’s Premium Brassiere.
The confusing thing is figuring out exactly what group of men is supposed to find this appealing. All of the company’s promotional materials show the bras (which don’t seem particularly large in the cup area) being worn by chiseled, flat-chested mannequins. So it seems that it’s not a good option for the overweight male sporting man-boobs, nor the fellow with overly developed pectorals.
That probably leaves cross-dressers looking for an undergarment that’s both fun and practical. But then the question becomes, why not just buy the cheaper women’s bras? Wouldn’t that make more sense?
I
n the late 1960s, Proctor & Gamble scientists were charged with creating a nutrition supplement to help premature babies gain weight quickly. They played around with sucrose molecules, manipulating them into different configurations in hopes that they would be more efficiently absorbed by the digestive tract. As is often the case, the science went horribly awry, and instead of creating something that would improve the lives of tiny, vulnerable babies struggling to survive, P&G accidentally invented Olestra, a substance that would allow people to eat as many potato chips as they wanted without feeling guilty.
Formally known as “sucrose polyester,” Olestra is a synthetic fat substitute which is made by altering the chemical components of sugar and oil. When used as a food additive, it replicates both the delicious taste and satisfying mouthfeel of fat. However, the molecules are too large to be properly absorbed by the intestinal tract. The hoped-for result: food that tastes rich and fatty, but isn’t absorbed by the human body and turned into body fat. A win-win, right?
Not exactly. The only problem, which turned out to be a significant one, was that if the fat you eat doesn’t get absorbed into your intestines, it has nowhere to go but
out of
your intestines. In less delicate terms, foods
made with Olestra can cause people to experience what the Food & Drug Administration describes as “abdominal cramping and loose stools.” No one should have been surprised by this side effect; early safety testing with lab rats resulted in “anal leakage” and vitamin malabsorption. Because of this, P&G was engaged in a legal brouhaha with the FDA that stretched on for decades before Olestra was allowed on the market.
Ultimately, it was decided that Olestra could be used as a commercial fat substitute, with one caveat: Foods made with it had to carry a warning label so that customers would know not to stray too far from their bathrooms. In 1998, after 30 years of hard science and legal battles, Olestra made its debut in the form of Frito Lay’s “Wow!” brand of snack chips. Sales were initially impressive (“Wow! A savory snack that won’t make me gain weight!”), but then declined precipitously (“Wow! These fake chips are causing me to poop myself blind!”).
Studies later indicated that Olestra’s pants-ruining side effects were not as widespread as initially thought; i.e. not everyone who consumes the product suffers from uncontrollable diarrhea. That was good enough for the FDA, which no longer requires products made with Olestra to contain a warning label. Yet Olestra’s bad reputation proved hard to shake, and to this day most people would rather gain a little weight than take their chances with it. Happily, science found another use for sucrose polyester, which has been repurposed as a machine lubricant and an additive in deck stains.
A
pparently enough people have evaluated the budget spreadsheets comparing the kitty-litter costs with the water bill to warrant another member of the family getting in line for the bathroom. Hence CitiKitty Cat Toilet Training Kit, or the Original World Famous Litter Kwitter. Pet owners can wean their feline off the little sandbox in just a few steps: clipping a pseudo litter box under the toilet seat, then transitioning to a piece that has a big hole in the middle, and finally graduating to full-on toilet time!
Now lazy husbands have someone else to blame when they forget to flush. But your kitty won’t be getting too many high fives from environmentalists, either; in 2007 the National Public Health Service for Wales wrote a scathing letter to the
Veterinary Record
citing cats as the source of the
Toxoplasma gondii
bacteria—typically found in cat feces—that were found in blood samples taken from numerous carcasses of whales, porpoises, and otters off the coast of England. A study by Swansea University soon after connected the bacteria to numerous people in the community who admitted to flushing their cats’ droppings down the crapper.
I
f there’s one thing cats hate, it’s being messed with. And if there’s another thing cats hate, it’s when you try to make them wear stuff. Completely ignoring those two facts, Kitty Wigs are a thing.
Kitty Wigs are exactly what they sound like—wigs for cats. They were purely cosmetic items, because unlike humans who wear wigs to cover up hair loss, cats aren’t hairless (except for hairless cats). But good luck getting a haired (or hairless) cat to wear one of these long, super-straight-haired wigs (they remind one of Cher in the early ’70s). Four colors were initially available: “pink passion” (for a punk cat), “bashful blond” (for the cat who likes Old Hollywood glamour), “silver fox” (for the distinguished cat), and “electric blue” (for the cat who wants to have blue hair).
Kitty Wigs, the company behind Kitty Wigs, stopped selling them directly in 2012, and now publishes books full of cats wearing wigs.
D
espite seeing their nation drop two atomic bombs on Japan in 1945, mid-20th-century Americans thought radiation was really cool and very futuristic. In fact, consumers didn’t mind being blasted with a few gamma rays when they went to the store to make sure the shoes they bought fit perfectly. Hey, shoes are expensive, and beauty hurts.
In the late 1940s and early ’50s, the Adrian X-Ray Company out of Milwaukee made and sold 10,000 devices to shoe stores that allowed customers to see just how well their shoes fit—by X-raying their feet while they were wearing the shoes. The X-Ray Shoe Fitter allowed them to see inside the shoe (and also their bones), via a small window on the unit.
The machines were a popular novelty—especially among children. They lasted in thousands of shoe stores until the federal government banned them in 1970. For while the box where a patron rested their feet was lead-lined, neither the compartment, nor the viewing windows were sealed. Result: persistant radiation leakage.
J
ulian Hakes is a British architect and bridge-design specialist who decided to go a bit more intimate: He designed a shoe. “I always wondered if a traditional shoe is only the way it is because of the materials that existed when it was designed. What would happen if you started again?” he said.