Twin Cowboys for Tamara (34 page)

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

250

Gigi Moore

She had age and wisdom on her side now. She knew what real love meant to her, knew what she wanted.

What was she willing to do and give up to get it? Did she want to remain successful at the expense of her love life?

“Oh Christ, you do love ’em.”

Tamara blinked and stared at her father, saw the look of dawning revelation on his face as if he hadn’t really believed the truth of her feelings until that moment.

She hadn’t really believed the truth herself and looking at her dad told her just how difficult her ultimate decision would be on all three of them. Love would not mitigate that.

“I need you to promise me something before I go.”

Tamara peered at him. “Anything.”

He released her hand and lay back, breath suddenly hitching in his chest before he coughed spasmodically and closed his eyes.

She bent toward him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Dad, are you okay? You want me to get the doctor?”

He shook his head, opened his eyes briefly to stare at her before he closed them again and coughed some more. When he caught his breath after a few moments he rasped, “There’s nothing they can do for me now.”

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.” He caught her hand and squeezed it almost painfully hard, so hard that Tamara winced, surprised at his strength.

“But
you
can do somethin’ for me.”

“Yes?”

“I need you to forgive yourself and…forgive your mother.”

“My mother?”

He nodded. “She’s not the villain I’ve made her out to be, just human. And she’ll be…be nice to her. She’s on…She’s…”

Be nice to her? Did he want her to go out, find her mom and reconcile? She didn’t know the first place to look, much less if she wanted to waste the effort. “She’ll be what, Dad? She’s
on
what?”

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

Twin Cowboys for Tamara

251

She’s on her best behavior? She’ll be nice to you too? What does he
mean?

“Please forgive her. And forgive me.”

“There’s nothing to forgive. You did your best.”

“That’s what a man wants to hear before he goes.” He smiled, opened his eyes, gaze full of clarity and passion. “I love you, honey.”

Tamara watched as her father closed his eyes one last time and listened to the cardiac monitor’s piercing wail when he flatlined.

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

252

Gigi Moore

Her father had a Do Not Resuscitate order.

Tamara found out about it when several doctors and nurses rushed into his room as he coded but no one did anything despite her shouting for someone to help him.

She thought she’d have at least a few more days with him. Of course no amount of time could make up for the eighteen years they’d lost. An hour definitely didn’t give them enough time to say all they needed to say to each other.

Despite her promises to him, she couldn’t help blaming herself now. She remembered what she’d been in the middle of when Maria finally tracked her down to let her know her father had been taken to the hospital, and her face heated with shame.

She’d been naked, hot and horny, arguing about a life and future infinitely stretched before her when her father’s life had been inescapably, irrevocably dwindling.

Tamara had been nothing but selfish since she’d come back home, thinking about getting laid and holding grudges rather than being the bigger person and helping out her father in spite of his attitude. She should never had let him hinder her reasons for coming home, should never have let his anger get in the way of her spending quality time with him.

Had living in New York so long made her so self-absorbed or had she always been this way? Her dad certainly hadn’t raised her that way. Despite all his faults, he’d always taught her to give back and help the weak and needy—everyone at the ranch lived by this creed.

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

Twin Cowboys for Tamara

253

She and the boys had grown up with a strong sense of

volunteerism, donating their time at the local church and schools with the literacy program or lending a hand with the displaced and rebuilding after natural and unnatural catastrophes.

Tamara had somehow lost sight of this side of herself in New York. Sure, she still donated considerable money to her pet projects, but she didn’t give much of herself to anyone.

Had James left because of her selfishness? Would Jess and Jax tire of her the same way when they realized she really didn’t have anything else to give than what she had so far?

Maybe she played herself short. It wasn’t a matter of having nothing more to give, but a matter of her willingness to give it. And she didn’t think she had it in her to give anymore of her heart than she already had.

God, she
was
selfish. Both Jess and Jax had professed their love to her, and she had yet to reciprocate. She played it safe and kept her distance, as if something better would come along. She hung back as if she functioned in a court of law and needed to keep her defenses up against opposing counsel instead of dealing with two lovers who had her happiness and welfare at heart.

Her father had it all wrong worrying about whether Jess and Jax would hurt her. She kept her emotional distance too well to allow them to hurt her, but also to allow them to love her the way she wanted and needed.

Someone needed to look out for the boys’ hearts instead of hers.

She had hers covered, admittedly, all too well.

“How are we doing over here?”

Tamara closed her eyes and leaned back into Jax’s body as he massaged her shoulders. She knew which brother by the timbre of his voice—just a shade lighter, drawl a tad stronger than his twin’s. “I’m not sure. I think I’m still in shock.”

“We all are, sweetheart.”

“I can’t believe he’s gone.”

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

254

Gigi Moore

Jax slid his hands from her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her.

She put her hands over his and burrowed deeper into his hug, searching for comfort that she knew didn’t exist for her, for any of them. But she needed his closeness, reassured by the strong beat of his heart and the idea that life went on.

You have to make a decision, girl. You can’t leave them hanging
like this. It isn’t fair to them or to you.

Tamara could just hear her father now, could have sworn that he whispered in her ear, lectured her.

When Jess came into the waiting room carrying what she assumed were two cups of coffee, her father’s voice got louder in her head, telling her to be an adult and choose.

Guiltily, she eased out of Jax’s grasp and took a step away from him. She stood between him and his twin, crossing her arms across her breasts as if to protect herself. She couldn’t let them get by her defenses. Every time she thought about herself and them together, in an intimate clinch, she thought about her father being rushed to the hospital without her knowledge.

Would she ever stop linking her father’s illness to her desire and feelings for the twins?

Jess proffered one of the cups to her and the other to his brother.

“Thanks.” Tamara took her cup, cradling it between both hands, welcoming the warmth and taking a deep whiff of the aromatic blend.

She raised a brow at Jess. “None for you?”

He shook his head and reached in the back pocket of his jeans to extract a small bottle of orange juice.

Tamara smiled as she raised her cup to her lips and took a sip, closing her eyes to savor the warm coffee and trying to get her mind straight.

She didn’t want to think about the arrangements she and Jeremiah would have to make in the next few days. She didn’t want to think about the people who would be dropping by the ranch to leave their Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

Twin Cowboys for Tamara

255

condolences. Most of them she probably hadn’t seen or heard from in years, people who would be looking at her with judgmental and questioning gazes.

The expected curiosity and inquisition would be the least of her worries, she knew. She still had to sit through the reading of the will a ghoulish act she really wasn’t looking forward to. Besides, she knew her father hadn’t left her anything—not after all the years she had been out of touch—and what she needed and wanted from him she could no longer get. Her being present would just be a formality.

She’d do it though, if only to prolong her contact with the boys and Jeremiah, needing that connection to her father and the ranch, needing the connection to home.

When had she started thinking of the ranch as her home and not New York? When had she stopped missing the city?

“You say your good-byes?” Jess asked.

Tamara nodded, unwilling to think about the good-byes she would be saying in the next several days. She didn’t want to let go, but knew she’d have to. She had no choice now.

Would letting go and saying good-bye to Jess and Jax be as difficult? Why say good-bye at all? She could just stay at the ranch.

Give up her career in New York, start all over here and be with them the way they’d asked her to. Should be easy enough, right? To hear the boys tell it, it certainly sounded easy.

“Dad’s signing off on some paperwork before y’all go to the funeral home to start making the arrangements. Jax and I have to get back to the ranch.” He reached out to grasp her shoulders, caressing them for a long moment as he peered at her. “We’ll see you once you’re all done, right?”

Tamara nodded, thought him a man who had his priorities straight and knew exactly what he wanted out of life.

Jeremiah came into the room that moment, and before Tamara had a chance to object, Jess leaned in to kiss her deeply on the lips, stopping just short of sliding his tongue in her mouth.

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

256

Gigi Moore

When Jess finished, Jax moved in to take his turn, kissing her just as deeply before pulling back slightly to caress her lower lip with his thumb. “Love you,” he murmured then headed for the exit.

Jess grinned and winked, squeezing his father’s arm as he followed his brother out.

Jeremiah wordlessly walked over and pulled her into his arms and the tears came to her eyes unbidden though she managed to stave off the worse of the sobs.

“You’ve got a lot on your plate now, a lot to think about,” he said, offering her a hankie once he pulled away.

Tamara accepted it, patting at her eyes then returning it, biding her time before she opened her mouth and said something she’d regret.

Jess and Jax’s parting still had her reeling.

She knew what Jeremiah referred to when he said she had a lot to think about, knew that she couldn’t run away from Jess and Jax and their proposal forever.

“It’s all right feelin’ the way you do about ’em.”

“You really believe that?”

“I can’t believe anything else since I believe in love.”

“But Dad—”

“Pardon my expression, was a stubborn, stuck-in-his-ways old coot.” Jeremiah pulled her close in a one-armed hug. “I loved him, but you and I both know he wasn’t always right in his thinkin’. And you have to keep in mind, that’s all they were—
his
thinkin’, his opinions.

You can’t let other people’s opinions decide the rest of your life for you, even if they’re those of a level-headed old man like m’self who loves you like a daughter.”

She looked at him, searching. “Will you still? I mean…if we all wind up together?”

“I’ll have even more reason to since you’re the woman who makes my boys happy.”

Would he feel the same way when she left and made his boys miserable?

Ebook piracy is stealing. It is a federal offense.

Report ebook piracy to [email protected].

Twin Cowboys for Tamara

257

* * * *

Jax considered all the time he’d spent playing around—on the rodeo circuit, on the football field, just plain playing the field with women and not settling down.

He’d had a lot of time in the last couple of weeks to think about what he wanted to do with the rest of his life and who he wanted to spend it with. The rodeo didn’t factor into that scenario, at least not seriously or as a career path.

Bailey’s death had brought things home to him, made him see what was important in his life—family and home. He understood now why his father’s friend had given up the rodeo, understood that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too, and in this case, Tamara, and having her on the ranch, served as his cake.

He loved Tamara, did not doubt it, and he loved working on the ranch, especially teaching the young’uns the finer points of ranching and horsemanship. He liked making people happy and when those people were of the small and young variety, or those he loved, he got a special thrill.

The rodeo served as entertainment and excitement, but ultimately he considered it just a diversion. It wasn’t real life and not what he wanted
out
of life. It would always be there for fun and games, but he wasn’t kidding anyone. He would never be a world class rodeo champion, and with his past injuries and battered up body, he’d pretty much reached his prime if not outright past it already. Time for him to grow up and face facts. Time for him to settle down.

With the possibility of Tamara choosing New York over him and Jess and the ranch, he knew he would give it all up—the rodeo and football. He would change his wastrel past just to convince her to stay, just to convince her that he and Jess were worth the risk and loved her enough to make things work.