Tunnel Vision (23 page)

‘
So then I said to Farah, “I
'
ve never met anyone like you!” And she said, “whatever, why do all you cheapo directors have to try lines on every female who walks on set? Is that why you become directors, so you can take out your frustrations on women you happen to be working with?” And I was like, “no yaar no, I
'
ve never said that to anyone before, I
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ve never even had a girlfriend!” and she laughed in my face and went off to talk to the sound guy again. I think he likes her. But I wasn
'
t discouraged! Persistence, that
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s the key. But I
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ve got to tell you Ashoo, getting her to understand she was the right one for me and I was the right one for her took a lot of it. Persistence. That and time. You know this has been going on for three months now? Yep. Ninety days at least. I
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ve wanted to tell you but I haven
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t really seen that much of you lately. We
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ll fix that when you wake up. And planning. We have to start planning. She wants a December wedding.
'

It was April. People who said
‘
when it
'
s time, it
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s time
'
were right; after surviving a car accident, a government hospital and my mother
'
s psychotic episode, I was now going to be bored to death by my younger brother. I marvelled at God
'
s warped sense of humour. I marvelled at the ingenuity with which Adil had wisely placed his own head out of harm
'
s way, up his posterior. The classic Pakistani coping mechanism, our balm for all ills, if something terrible is happening to someone other than you, pretend it isn
'
t. Talk about something else instead. Adil
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s feeling for this Farah woman might well be deep, meaningful, pure, etc., but a little more focus would have been nice. Sister in coma, mother having episode, must think for whole family unit … but no. The whole family unit, it seemed, counted for nothing before Farah. I wanted to wake up so I could smack him. I wanted to wake up so I could see Saad and tell him I was sorry for running out on him that morning. I knew I had been allowed more time so I could think about my father, but wasn
'
t going to. So what if I had said I would? What would the little voice do, kill me?

*

That morning the crisis had started innocently enough. These things generally did.

‘
Ammi can you clear up today, I have to leave early,
'
I
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d asked her during breakfast.

‘
What
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s your hurry?
'

‘
I have to meet Saad before going to the office. He
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s getting a new car and we
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re meeting at the dealer
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s so I can help him pick a colour.
'

‘
Why can
'
t he pick a colour himself?
'

‘
He can. He just wants my opinion, that
'
s all.
'

‘
So you
'
re all ready to turn your home life upside down whenever his highness beckons?
'

‘
I
'
m just asking you to put some dishes in the sink, not wash them. God forbid you have to do that!
'

‘
He wants a colour that
'
ll suit you because, of course, you
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ll be spending a lot of time in that car. There aren
'
t enough hours in the day for the time you two spend together.
'

‘
Why do you have such problems with my being happy?
'

‘
I don
'
t. I don
'
t even care about the fact that most girls would never do the things you
'
re doing. You think he likes you? Where I come from, dates are numbers in a calendar. I have a problem seeing you dive head first into a situation that will only make you deeply unhappy later.
'

‘
You really don
'
t know what you
'
re talking about.
'

‘
You don
'
t know as much as you think you do.
'

‘
I know enough to keep this house going and making sure you can spend all your time wasting it!
'

‘
Since you know so much, why don
'
t you tell me why Saad needs a new car, when he has such a comfortable taxi?
'

I rose from the table and began grabbing dishes. If I moved really fast I
'
d probably be able to clear them all before dashing out the door hoping the wind was behind me and not against me as well. We were
‘
in between
'
domestic help, we generally were. There were always women ringing the bell looking for work but few could deal with Ammi at her worst. At her best she could charm a Muslim sweeper into picking up the cat poo, at her worst … well, let
'
s just say the frequent switching also made it hard for any self-respecting maid/cook/cleaner to stick around.While Adil and I would both have preferred to have someone in the house with Ammi while we were gone, it just never worked out that way. Not for very long anyway. The last cook had threatened to file an FIR after Ammi followed up an offer to make her some tea for a change by grabbing her long braid and trying to swing her round the room with it.

‘
Didn
'
t you hear me?
'
Ammi chuckled softly,
‘
I
'
ll say it again if you like. Taxi. Yellow taxi. Red taxi. Ayesha taxi.
'

Ignoring her, I continued making mad dashes between the table and the kitchen.

‘
Ayesha,
'
her tone softened,
‘
I
'
m so sorry. Really I am. Please listen to me.
'

Weakening, I stopped for a second. She was hardly ever so gentle to me. I wanted to savour it, even if I knew it was only the eye of the storm.

‘
I am, you know, I know I say terrible, hurtful things to you. It must be horrible hearing them from your own mother,
'
she began to stroke my hair, tucking it behind my ears,
‘
there, much better. You
'
re such a good-looking girl. Woman now. I guess I should say a strong woman shouldering more responsibility than most men could handle. I
'
m so very proud of you.
'

It felt just like a warm shower on a cold day, leaving the chill of the winter morning behind as I stepped into the steam contained behind the shower curtain. It felt heavenly, this acknowledgement, this thought that she appreciated, if not understood, me.

‘
Thank you,
'
I whispered, flinging my arms around her neck and burying my face in her collarbone,
‘
that
'
s what I want most in the world, for you to be proud of me.
'

‘
Ayesha, I am proud of you,
'
pushing me back she put her hands on my shoulders and looked me right in the eye,
‘
whatever happens, you must remember that.
'

‘
Whatever happens? What do you mean?
'
I grew anxious, was I on suicide watch? Was she wiping the slate clean before breaking it?

‘
I mean whatever happens?
'

‘
Such as?
'

‘
Such as when you die an old, bitter spinster with no love or joy in your life, I want you to remember your mother was proud of you.
'

Wrenching free, I turned back to the table. It took a gargantuan effort to bend my hands to the task of picking up utensils and not the far more seductive lure of matricide. She would be better off dead, I thought, and Adil and I would certainly be better off if she were gone. It would be the kind thing to do, put her out of her misery instead of letting her walk around maimed, like a strong dog with half its head missing, maggots nesting in its cranial cavity. Sometimes she even had that particular weave, that easy lope of the animal so far beyond pain it had come out the other side and was doing a happy luddi.

‘
You will die alone, you know. He
'
ll never marry you. What
'
s that boy
'
s name? Omar?
'

‘
Saad. His name is Saad.
'

‘
So many. I lose count. The first one didn
'
t marry you either, did he?
'

‘
I didn
'
t want to marry him,
'
I knew I shouldn
'
t be taking the bait, but rage throbbed through the veins on my forehead and opened my mouth when I knew it would have been better shut,
‘
I didn
'
t want to marry him. I don
'
t want to marry Saad. I don
'
t want to marry anyone because of you.
'

‘
Because of me? What? You think I
'
ll steal your men? I know I
'
m more attractive but I am getting on in years, you know. What am I going to do with your choozas?
'

‘
Not steal, you witch, drive away. Don
'
t you get it? I
'
m ashamed of you.
'

‘
We have something in common then, I
'
m ashamed of you too.And let
'
s be fair here, at least I don
'
t embarrass you in public.
'

‘
You never go out. If you ever did, I
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m sure you would.
'

‘
I do go out!
'

‘
Once a week to find your long-lost husband? That
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s another man you managed to drive away, and I bet it wasn
'
t the first I bet Nana sold his property and bought you this house so you would be far away from him and he could die in peace.
'

Ammi looked at me with a strangely speculative glint in her eye,
‘
Anger is fun isn
'
t it? Addictive too.You know you grow more like me every day.
'

‘
I
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ll never be like you. I
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m not like you.
'

‘
You
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ll be alone, true. Because that Saad, Omar, whoever person will leave you and move on the moment you bore him. You
'
re not bad looking, but what else do you have to offer? Money? No. Education? Not particularly distinguished. Family? Dead or embarrassing. Culinary skills? Non-existent. No, dear girl, I
'
m afraid this is it for you. You
'
re just a transit visa on some man
'
s exotic travels. Say what you like about your father and I, but I was the only woman for him.
'

I pushed back words on the tip of my tongue reciting the
‘
ignore, ignore, ignore
'
mantra I
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d learned was the best way to cope with her outbursts. She was like a matador to a bull, goading you into charging only to use your own momentum to slide her rapier into you.

‘
I
'
m leaving now Ammi,
'
I picked up my bag after depositing all the dishes in the sink,
‘
I
'
ll be home the usual time.
'

‘
I
'
m glad you bought that car,
'
suddenly she was conversational again,
‘
public transport always adds an hour to any commute.
'

‘
Yes.
'
Keep the answers short. Move fast.

‘
And it
'
s nice to see you spending money on yourself for a change. That
'
s what women should do, you know. It
'
s our right to spend what we earn without questions from anyone. Freely.
'

I kept moving.

‘
Selfishly,
'
she was back,
‘
why didn
'
t you buy a car for Adil? He needs it more than you do. Your lover was always willing to drop you home but what about your poor brother, huh? You know his work takes him all over the city.
'

‘
As you pointed out, I don
'
t need to rationalize my spending to anyone. Adil
'
s working now, he
'
ll be able to buy himself a car in no time.
'

‘
I bet Saad would buy you a car if you asked him right now. You should. Mistresses have a short shelf life, approach him while he
'
s soft enough on you to sanction a rich parting gift.
'