True Control (15 page)

I lower my eyes and hold my robe tightly closed. In a tiny, faraway voice, “I’d never leave him, Jake.” I ignore what he’s said about wanting me…I can’t think of this now. Not now.

Through gritted teeth, “Then you better figure out how to start behaving again. How to convince him of that.”

My head is starting to spin. My stomach rolls. “I want him. But I can’t be the one to reach out to him…that’s not how we work.”

“You’ll have to find a way then…to make him see that you want things back the way they were…if that’s even possible.”

He turns to walk out to the terrace.

“Jake?” He turns around to look at me. “Did you only say all that…for Max?” I don’t know what makes me ask…maybe I need to know that at least one Traeger man would accept me as I am now…

He comes back to stand in front of me, but this time he’s more like the gentle Jake I know. “No.” He puts his hands on my shoulders, gently, rubbing his hands down the back of my arms. And kisses the top of my head, taking a deep breath in. “I meant it. I’ve wanted you. I shouldn’t have and I shouldn’t have told you even now.” He steps back and drops his hands. “I held myself back before. In every relationship, with every girl. I’ve not allowed my true feelings to direct my actions. Forced myself to toe a different line, not Dad’s.”

His look changes a little, back to a darker frown. “But while you were missing, I realized…what if I missed my chance at happiness. What if I missed my chance to tell you that what you have with my brother is exactly what I want to have…even if it can’t be with you.” He walks away again, but stops at the open terrace door. Over his shoulder, not looking at me, “You’re wrong about Max, Lucy. He’s not holding back because he doesn’t want you anymore…he’s afraid to let go right now out of fear of what he’d do to you. I can sympathize.”

I watch him sit on the sofa outside. His back to me. Then I run to the bathroom and lose a lot of the champagne that’s churning my stomach.

I sit on the marble floor and cry. The first real tears I’ve cried for myself in a while. I’ve cried from the pain. I’ve cried from the fear. But these tears are all for me…for how hopeless I feel.

Nothing will ever be the same again. It only took ten days to ruin everything.

My tears don’t last long; even for myself, I’m too wiped out to stay anything but numb for long. I get up when I hear the front door open and close. I splash my face with cold water and stare in the mirror. I’m sick of looking at myself.

I wish I could run Ben over again…maybe in my dreams tonight.

Chapter 33 HIM

The bedroom door is closed. Jake’s on the terrace. I drop the food in the kitchen and head out to him.

He doesn’t say anything just gets up and stares at me. I frown and smile at the same time. My brother has become a mystery to me. I’ve not been able to figure out his looks, what’s behind them exactly. He’s always been so emotional, so mercurial, quick to flare up and just as quick to cool down. But never distant.

“So…did you talk to her?”

“Yes.” He moves to walk by me, but I put my hand on his chest. He looks at my hand, then at me. I almost laugh. Could swear he wants to hit me. Instead he turns to face me. “She says she wants things back the way they were, but doesn’t know if you do. She’s waiting for
you
to do something.” I let him walk inside this time.

She wants things back to normal? Then why is she pushing me away?!

Jake heads down the hall to the door. “You’re not staying for dinner?”

He doesn’t turn around. “No. You two need time alone.” Just before he opens the door though, he turns to face me. He’s angry. Angrier than I’ve ever seen him before. But his voice is calm. “This makes us even, Max. Don’t ever ask me to use my feelings for her to help you again.” He closes the door quietly behind him.

I knew it was risky, asking Jake to come here today. He was here the day she went missing. Behind my back. Their secret. I’ve not gotten over that. But I’ve had to bury my anger, wait for the right time.

Lucy needed someone to talk to…she isn’t talking to me. For her sake, I would’ve turned to Tracy if I thought it would help. As much as it pisses me off, she obviously has something with Jake…an ability to talk to him about what she can’t talk to me about. I’d do anything to help her.

He’s right. I used him. I used the feelings I think he keeps hidden for her. For Lucy, I risked letting him get closer to her again. But I trusted him too.

And my risk paid off. He said she wants things back to normal…and that I need to do something to make that happen. I don’t know that I can…not yet.

I walk over to the bedroom door and quietly open it. Lucy is just closing the closet door, a dress in her hand. “Come out here.” She looks at the dress, then me. “Now.”

I don’t wait to see if she follows. I just move into the living room. She quietly moves to sit on the sofa. “No. Stay standing.” But something about her eyes, the way she’s moving. “Are you drunk?!”

She tries to shake her head, but hiccups and puts her hand to her mouth. “No…Just a little tipsy…Laura came over this afternoon…”

“Did you ask me if she could be here today?”

“No…But she surprised me…”

“Is that an excuse? For breaking a rule?!” She only shakes her head. “And then you make it worse by getting drunk? What the hell were you thinking?!”

“I wasn’t thinking! I’m tired of thinking! I just wanted to have a nice day with a nice friend! So what? Do you really care?!”

I raise my hand automatically. Lucy’s never talked back, yelled back like this. But I stop myself. Her face isn’t even healed. I can’t.

She just shakes her head, still angry and tries to walk away.

“Get back here, Lucy.”

She keeps walking. And I let her. I let her close the door to me. I let her push me away again.

All my anger. It’s there, a caged animal growling to get out, to get at her. But I can’t open that door.

Jake may think she’s waiting for me to do something…but I know that if I do, if I let the animal have her now…we’ll never come back from that.
I
never will.

I didn’t picture just slapping her. I pictured breaking her lips open with my fist. I pictured her begging me to forgive her with blood on her mouth. I pictured grabbing her by her side and making her scream when her rib pops again while I squeeze. I pictured my nightmares coming to life.

I’ve held onto this rage and anger, this fear for too long. If I let it go now…

I can’t.

I go into the guest room and quietly close the door.

My Lucy is lost to me. I can’t help her. I can’t help myself. Not now. Not yet.

If I act now, I’ll lose her forever.

It’s the only control I can take right now. Control of myself. Again.

Chapter 33 HER

I wait in the living room for him to get home for lunch. I’m not calm, but all the crying I did earlier has helped to steady my nerves a little.

My life has been so upside down, that I didn’t think my nerves could take anymore. But I was wrong.

Max hasn’t slept in the same room with me in weeks. If he does, he sleeps on top of the sheets, turned away from me. He barely looks at me. And I stare at him.

I was hopeful, that maybe Jake would talk to him. That I’d find the courage to talk to him. But I said it to Jake. That’s not how we work.

And we haven’t been working. I know now that…it’s too late. We never will again. Not after today.

I look at my suitcases sitting in the hallway. I said I’d never leave him, but I have no choice. He’ll push me out the door. When he finds out the truth…he won’t ever be able to forgive me. What small chance there was for us anyway is gone now.

I jump when the doorknob turns. Take a breath! Stay calm!

He comes in as usual. My handsome husband. He always takes my breath away when he’s dressed in a suit. The picture of a powerful man.

He drops his bag on the table, right next to my suitcases.

I look down and wait. I have my speech in my head memorized, but I wait for him to make the first move. I always do.

But he doesn’t say anything. He just walks by me into the bedroom. I hesitate. I don’t know what I should do. He saw the suitcases…but he didn’t say anything at all?!

He’s not going to say anything?! This is it. I just leave?! He…

I start sobbing. My body hit with great big sobs. I hold my stomach, my side. My rib still hurts and I try to press away the pain, but I can’t stop sobbing.

He doesn’t even want to know why?! He doesn’t care at all…

I stumble a little down the hallway, towards my bags. I try to breath, but it’s no use.

“Where do you think you’re going, little girl?”

His voice stops my next shuttered sob. I turn around quickly. He’s leaning against the wall a few feet from me. His jacket off, shirtsleeves rolled up.

I swallow and take a few quick breaths. I try to put my speech back in my mouth. “I…I need to...” more swallowing, my mouth suddenly dry, my tears choked. I don’t want to say it. Please…but I know I have to.

“What you need to do is unpack those bags.” His voice is that same commanding voice. He hasn’t used in a long time. We’ve been ghosts around each other, barely talking at all for weeks, hardly in the same room together. I miss his voice. His commands.

But it’s too late. I pull my shoulders back and swallow one big gulp of air. “I need to talk to you, Max.”

He doesn’t move. “I know what you need to say, Lucy.” He glances at my bags behind me. “You went out this morning.” I should’ve known that his henchmen would be reporting everything to him. I tried to get them to stay in the car, but they wouldn’t leave me alone. Boss’ orders. I only nod in response.

“Follow.” He turns around and goes into the bedroom. And amazingly, I do. His puppy still.

But I stop at the doorway. He goes to the closet and stands next to the opened door. The belt swings next to him, on its usual hook. Unused and forgotten. “Hand me the belt, Lucy.”

I shake my head. It’s too late for this. “I need to tell you…” But I don’t get this out. Max moves so quickly, I don’t even see his hand as it grabs my throat, cutting off all words. He shoves me against the wall, slamming my head and body back, pinning me with his hand on my throat.

I put my hands up to his to try to pull it away. “Put your hands down.” My eyes search his. The intensity of his anger. I’m suddenly very frightened. Not just for me. Oh God. He does know. And he’s going to kill me?!

I push with all my strength against his chest, but he’s a stone I can’t budge. I feel my right wrist strain and I cry out. As much as I can against his pressure on my throat. It’s no use. I drop my hands.

“Please…Please just let me go…” It’s all I can do. He doesn’t want me…maybe I can get him to see through his anger. That letting me go is punishment enough.

He laughs. A harsh, thick laugh. “Never, little girl.”

He pulls me by my throat away from the wall and pushes me towards the bed, but he keeps his hand on my throat. “…Just let me go…please…”

He releases my throat and I cough, holding it myself and taking in big gulps. “You belong to me, Lucy.
All
of you belongs to me.”

He moves quickly to the closet and grabs the belt himself. But I bolt for the door before he turns around. I’ve never been as fast as him. He grabs my arm and swings me back around. I fall on the floor, sliding.

“You’re not leaving this room without a beating, little girl.”

Is that what he wants? To punish me one final time? To show me that I mean nothing to him anymore?!

“Get up and take off your clothes.”

I hesitate. Options? I don’t have any. He blocks the door.

I look up at him through my hair. He’s calmer looking. But his eyes are fire still, his jaw set, hands fists, one with the belt. He won’t kill me. But he will hurt me.

I stand, shaky, but I don’t undress. “Why are you doing this?”

He slaps me with the back of his hand. The right side of my mouth explodes with pain and I can taste copper inside my mouth. I stagger back.

“I tell you to do something. You do it.” But his voice is even. At odds with his tense body and eyes.

I watch myself, my hands. I’m numb. I push the front of my dress off my shoulders. I push myself out of the sleeves and see the dress pool at my feet. But I stop here.

“The rest.” I look up at him. Same stern but calm look. I take off my bra and thong. I put my hands protectively around myself. Then I look at him again. I dare him to hurt me. I hope that staring him down will be enough. He’s backed away before. When I’ve pushed him. Maybe it’s my only hope now. To not show fear.

But I’m very afraid. We’ve not been here, like this, in a long time. I don’t know what he knows. I don’t know how he’ll react when he finds out the truth.

He smiles. His crooked grin. The one I know so well…it always comes when he sees my pain. The pain he’s caused. I lose my nerve and hold myself a little tighter. But I don’t look away. My eyes plead. His smile darkens.

“Did you really think I would let you leave?”

I only shake my head.  Somewhere in my mind, I knew I would have to face his wrath first. Somewhere in my mind, I wanted this.

To be broken. A clean break.

I was a fool.