Trigger (22 page)

“Simon . . . loving, beautiful, and brave and the
stupidest man I’ve ever met.” Judy is aware she’s yelling with no
way to stop. Words she’s wanted to scream at Simon . . . for so
long.

“Why didn’t he tell me what he was going to do? Why
did he try to face the mad dogs that are my father and my brother?
He had no idea what they were like. He had no experience dealing
with vicious sociopaths. They beat my Mom and me all my life.
Finally they beat her so bad, she died. They threw her body in the
alley and walked away. That is the kind of people they are and
that’s the kind of people Simon faced. Did he think he was going to
reason with them?

“I ran from that alley when I found my Mom. I was
sixteen and I made by own way since then. I’ve hidden from them all
these years. And Simon goes looking for them? God damn you Simon.
God damn you to Hell for being so stupid!”

She’s crying uncontrollably now. She’s knows it’s
wrong, but she can’t stop.

“Did you love him?” Mr. Perry’s voice startles her.
It’s low and sad.

“With all my heart, but I’d been running from him
for years. I wouldn’t date him, I wouldn’t take his calls and only
when he . . . you . . . tried to destroy my company did I
communicate with him.”

“Why wouldn’t you date him?”

“Mr. Perry, you and I understand each other. Simon
was a king among men. I wasn’t worth walking in his footsteps. You
and I both know that. Any connection with me threatened him and I
was right. Wasn’t I? That’s why I didn’t hesitate to make that
promise to you. I never had any intention of being in his life.

“But Simon was Simon and he said to me in the
hospital that he was almost glad I had the accident, because now I
was too hurt to run away from him.”

Silence for a long time.

“I always knew that someday by father and brothers
would find me and when they did they would kill me and do it just
for fun. In my nightmares, I always saw myself with my face bashed
in lying in that alley and dead beside my mother.

“When Simon did what he did, he took my place in
that alley. He had no right to do that and forfeited his beautiful
life. But he didn’t save me, Mr. Perry, I’m dead too. So what was
gained? Absolutely nothing and I’m so angry Mr. Perry that I can’t
stand to even be with myself.”

“You look like Hell.”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“I saw the news from yesterday. You were talking to
the governor, you looked happy enough.”

“Looks can be deceiving Mr. Perry. I was trapped.
Dr. Harter was with me and with him were two children that he
mentors. Simon is dead because the media attention alerted my
family to where I was and they came for me in the hospital.

“I couldn’t risk that the attention on me yesterday
wouldn’t put those children at risk. What you saw on TV was me
begging the governor to protect them and not have them photographed
or their names used. He agreed to do that, if I would participate
in the event. So I did. You probably saw the State Police around
me. That wasn’t for me, Mr. Perry. That was protection for the
children.”

“Why are you shaking?”

“My body is pretty much done in, Mr. Perry.
Yesterday was the first day I had been out since the accident. This
is the second time.”

“Maybe you should sit down, before you fall and sue
me.”

“I won’t. Just tell me how you want me to be
punished. But please don’t punish Stalwart. I’ll do whatever you
want and then, maybe then I can find some peace. I’m done.”

“What do you mean, you are done?”

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say
anything.

“Just to ease your mind, Mr. Perry, Simon and I
never . . . never made love or had sex. I have never been with a
man. I wouldn’t allow that to happen with Simon. But in the end of
it, it didn’t matter what I did or didn’t do. I couldn’t save him.
I killed him, Mr. Perry. I am the only one responsible for his
death.”

“I have no intention of punishing you or your
company, Miss Mason. Just go. Get the Hell out of my way.”

It’s as if his fist rammed into her in the stomach.
The first time she met Mr. Perry she heard her Dad in his words and
voice and now, when she’s hurt, desperate and vulnerable, her Dad
is there again: “Get out of my way.”

The need to crawl in the corner and wrap herself in
her blanket is so strong she almost moves. It takes her a second to
realize that her blanket isn’t here. Since she hasn’t moved, it’s
easy for her to turn around and reach for the door, open it and
leave and so she can go search for her blanket.

Chauncey was waiting outside the door. “I heard
everything Miss Mason. You are so wrong I can’t begin to tell you
how wrong you are. I think you should wait for Steven to come and
get you. I’ve called Clarence and Steven is on his way. You wait
here with me.”

She hears the words, but they’re far away. She
counts her steps to the front door and hears that the cab is still
waiting like she asked. She gave the driver different directions
and he pulled away. It’s as if she’s left her body. It kind of
feels like it does when you hold a can of Diet Coke. It’s there,
it’s useful and when you don’t need it anymore, you simply throw it
away. There are no regrets, no sense of loss or shame. It’s
disposable.

Steven can’t believe
what he’s hearing from Chauncey. She wanted Simon’s dad to punish
her? Steven knew she never dealt with Simon’s death and he had a
plan, but now that’s not going to happen.

“Where did she go?”

“I tried to stop her Steven. She just walked past
me, like I didn’t exist, got in the cab and left.”

“Okay.”

“Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Her people in her apartment say that
she hasn’t come back there. I’ll check around her apartment.
There’s a park nearby, maybe she got out and walked there. Or got
turned around and couldn’t find the door to the building. I don’t
know.”

“I’ll call Clarence. We’ll get the boys and help
look too.” Chauncey says. “We’ve got to find her, Steven. She’s
really messed up.”

The smell is the same.
The sounds are the same. She doesn’t need her eyes. In her mind
every crack in the sidewalks, every curb is just as clear as if she
could see them.

Her first stop is to check on BB’s garage. She
misses him so much and worse she’s sure he believes she has
abandoned him. He’s alone in some junk yard, rusting and hating
her.

She knocks on the elderly couple’s front door.
They’re surprised to see her, but she was in the neighborhood and
wanted to say hello she says. They’ve rented BB’s garage and
everything is working out fine.

Using the alley instead of going back to the main
road, she walks the six blocks to Mr. Chung’s market. She’s walked
this alley so many times and today she only stumbles once.

Mr. Chung is happy to see her and proud of what
she’s done, he says. He saw her on the news yesterday, talking to
the governor and the other videos. Mr. Chung said he always knew
she was better . . . different than her dad and brothers and he’s
glad that they’re locked up for the rest of their lives.

She didn’t know about that. She was really hoping
she’d run into them. She wanted to face them. Her body isn’t
working too well, but she was betting that it would be good enough
to put them down.

Better than her Dad and brothers? No, she’s no
better. She’s a murderer too. She killed Simon and now she can’t
even get revenge on his murderers.

Steven is nearly out of his mind. It’s taking all
his strength just to stay on the favorite side of hysterical.

“No don’t call the police. They’ll scare her to
death and will probably lock her up. She’ll never survive that,
Clarence. I don’t know where to go. I’m going to go to her old
neighborhood. I can’t image she would want to go back there, but
obviously she’s not thinking straight.”

Clarence and the guys are heading that way too. They
are going to come in from the West End and he’ll come in from the
East.

Mr. Chung says she doesn’t look very good. He makes
her sit down and drink a cup of tea with him. He fills her in on
his son and his family. They’re doing really well in New York and
now his son owns two markets in the city and Mr. Chung has two
grandsons.

She gives him a big hug goodbye and turns left when
she leaves his market. It’s the same way she walked several times a
day, especially to and from school.

Her feet slow as she gets near the alley. She feels
the fear, it’s the same, it’s familiar, almost comforting. She
knows what she will see. It’s been no trouble to find this place.
It’s in her nightmare almost every night, only this time she’s
moving in it.

Two more steps and she’ll be at the alley. One . . .
two and she sees the printed material like the dress her mother
wears. She’s frozen and holding her school books so tightly that
they hurt her ribs. Then without allowing it, her left foot takes a
step and her right foot has to follow or she’ll fall over.

She walks into the alley and sees a body. The face
is all bloody. It’s so damaged that she can’t tell who it is. The
hair is like her mother’s, but it’s the ring that tells her what
she needs to know. She knows her Dad finally beat her mother to
death. She had nothing left to hurt, so he and probably her
brothers helped him, beat her until she was dead and then they
dragged her out to the alley and dumped her there.

She loved her Mom. She was so graceful and she told
her once that she always dreamed of being a dancer, but her parents
were very poor and made her marry Dad because they couldn’t afford
her anymore.

Judy looks down at her mother, realizing that she’s
always been mad at her. How could she take that abuse all those
years? What was wrong with her that she would allow that?

But it happened to Judy too. She took it when her
Dad beat her. She told some kids at school and her third grade
teacher and people in the neighborhood knew, but no one would get
involved. So she had no choice? How could she have thought that?
Everyone has a choice, but she knows that’s not true.

That’s why she’s putting together the abused
children’s program. Who would know better than she does about how
it happens and how it affects the mind and rips away choice and
free will?

She stands and looks down at her Mom and feels . . .
feels what? Pity.

She sees Simon lying beside her Mom. She misses him
and is struggling so hard to understand what he was thinking.

“Why didn’t you trust me? You were so unprepared and
well, my darling Simon, you were so stupid. It’s not like you to be
stupid. I’m so mad at you. Simon. Why didn’t you talk to me?” From
sadness to anger she hears her voice screaming at him.

“I was wrong, Judy. I made a mistake.”

“Yes, Simon and it cost you your life and mine!”

“You are not responsible for what I did, Judy.”

“Of course, I was. If I’d never got involved with
you, you would still be alive and happily playing your games, and
dating all those beautiful women. Why did you have to target me? I
was very straightforward with you. I kept telling you no over and
over and over. You think that just because you’re handsome and rich
and brilliant that you can do anything you want. It doesn’t work
like that Simon.”

“I know that now.”

“Well, you didn’t learn it quickly enough. Look at
you, all bloody and dirty and hurt and dead in the alley next to my
Mom. I am so angry with you that if you stood up right now, I’d
knock you on your ass.”

“You’d do that?”

“You bet I would. You were so stupid that you’ve
thrown the whole world out of balance and it will never be right
again, unless I fix it.”

“Fix it how, Judy?”

“You’ve made Steven feel like it was his fault,
because he couldn’t get here fast enough. Your father is now left
with no sons, to run the company he’s spent his life working for,
and I saw how pale your mother can get. I bet she’s taken to her
bed from grief.”

“The whole world was yours to do with what you
wanted. You were the best and you threw yourself away to save me!
But you didn’t. You died in my place. I should be there, bloody and
dead in the alley. But no, mighty Simon thought he could beat
destiny and killed us both.”

“You’re not dead, Judy.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Steven loves you, why can’t you love him?”

“He doesn’t want to love me and that’s for the best.
That’s just the way it is. But you wouldn’t listen and you broke my
heart and my spirit and put out my fire, because why Simon? You
thought you were so much smarter and better than me that you
wouldn’t trust me or talk to me? I’ve lived this life, Simon. This
is the life I know.”

“I was wrong. I loved you too much to think
straight.”

“No excuse. You don’t make those mistakes with
people you love.”

“I’m sorry, Judy.”

His gentleness grips her heart. “Please come back,
Simon. Please come back. I’m standing and waiting for you. Please
come back and be alive. If you do, I’ll leave you and go and you’ll
be safe. I promise I will. Please come back.” He’s just got to hear
her. He’s got to understand and do what she asks. She hears her
voice and it’s pleading like she’s never pleaded before. “Please
Simon. Please!”

“I like it here in Heaven. Your Mom is a beautiful
dancer. It doesn’t make me happy to see you so miserable. I’m angry
with you too. I’m not coming back Judy and you can’t make me.”

“Well, tell you what Simon, just go shove it up your
ass and get out of here. You’re in my place.”

“No!”

“When I make it right you won’t be dead anymore,
Simon.”

She hears the screams. Loud and scary, the screams
go on and on and it takes a while for her to realize they’re not
hers.