Trade Off (19 page)

No, he couldn’t understand how she expected to find happiness without him when they’d both been going through the motions for the past eight years, trying to figure out how to live apart. “We were best friends, first and foremost. Maybe if we start there again, we could—”

She held her hand up to silence him. “I can’t be your friend.” She propped her chin in her upturned hand and looked at him a long time before she spoke again. “Just a little while ago, I was so excited because I thought maybe, just maybe, you could learn to forgive me and trust me again, but I realize now that’s not possible.”

“How can you say that? One stupid slip-up, and—”

“It was more than that and you know it. You blame me for everything, getting pregnant, not telling you about it, marrying Neil, staying married to him, all of it. And you know what? You’re absolutely right. I’ve made some dreadful mistakes, and as long as you’re in my life, those mistakes will define me.”

Panic tightened around his chest, making it difficult to breathe. He’d walked in here uncertain about what he wanted, but now that he knew, she seemed intent on telling him it was the one thing he couldn’t have. “What the hell are you talkin’ about?”

“I’m human. I’ve screwed up. A lot. Probably more than most people. But does that mean I don’t have the right to be happy?”

“Of course not.”

“If I take the time to heal, to sort out my life, and figure out where to go from here, I have a shot at happiness again. I’ve learned from my mistakes, Aiden. I’ve learned that trust and honesty are the foundation of any solid relationship.” She smirked. “I sure as hell didn’t know that at eighteen, but then, who does?”

He knew she didn’t expect an answer, which was for the best, since he couldn’t seem to find the words to halt her speech, no matter how much he wanted to. He didn’t want to hear this. He wasn’t ready to accept that it was over. Their last chance to be together, obliterated in a moment of anger. 

“Maybe somewhere down the road, when I’ve figured out how to be happy with myself, I can use the lessons I’ve learned and apply them to a new relationship.”

His hands curled into fists at his sides. “Don’t say that.” The thought of her being married to Neil stung, but now he knew they’d never shared the kind of love or passion that had defined their relationship. The notion that there could be another man out there, just waiting to steal his status as her soul mate, made him feel physically sick. “Don’t even think that.”

“I’ll always love you,” she whispered. “But I can’t be with you. Not now. Not ever. Too much has happened between us.”

Quitting wasn’t part of his make-up. As a professional athlete, he’d learned to fight through injuries, fear, fatigue, and depression. Giving up on her, on them, wasn’t an option. “I don’t believe that.”

“Every time you look at me, you see the girl I was at eighteen, the girl you loved. What you don’t realize is I’m not that girl anymore, and I don’t want to be. I want to move forward, not back.”

“Why can’t you move forward with me?” He would give every last dollar he’d ever made to earn just one more chance to prove to her that it wasn’t too late for them to make their dreams come true.

“Because we’re stuck in the past. Since you came back to town, we haven’t talked about the present or the future; it’s all been about the past, the people we used to be.”

He hated to admit that she was right, but he couldn’t deny it. “We can change that. We can redefine our relationship, starting now.”

She smiled. “Some relationships aren’t supposed to be redefined. They’re meant to run their course, to teach you something about who you are or who you want to be, and then they’re over. They become a nice memory, a snapshot in time that you pull out of an old photo album, and it makes you smile because you remember how much that person meant to you once upon a time.”

“I hate this,” he said, running his hands through his hair. “I hate hearin’ that resignation in your voice, as though this is a done deal. It’s not. It can’t be. I won’t let it be.”

She got up and walked toward him. Stopping just shy of stepping into his arms, she looked up at him, her eyes locking with his. “We didn’t resolve things the way we should have when we broke up, Aiden. I didn’t have the courage to tell you the truth then, but I do now.” She reached for his hands and he felt the tremble that told him this wasn’t as easy as she would have him believe. “The truth is, you taught me the meaning of love. You showed me that loving someone sometimes means making sacrifices, and the kind of relationship I want to have requires honesty and trust. You don’t trust me anymore, and I understand why.”

“You don’t know—?”

She pressed a finger against his lips. “Please, don’t pretend otherwise. This is the time for us to be honest with each other. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m with you.”

Just when he thought she couldn’t hurt him any more than she already had, she did. “How can you say that?”

“I feel sad and guilty all the time when you’re around. I’ve had enough sadness and guilt. Looking at you reminds me of the very worst time in my life, and until I let go of that, I’ll never be able to find happiness. To be honest with you, I didn’t even think I deserved to be happy until I re-read the letter I shared with you today.”

He glanced at the envelope she’d left on the desk earlier. “That’s what set this whole thing in motion? That’s what made you question whether you and I could have a shot at a future together?”

“No, it just reminded me of how I felt back then. I didn’t set out to hurt you. I was a scared kid stuck in an impossible situation. I loved my baby and my boyfriend. I wanted to protect everyone, but as it turns out, I couldn’t protect anyone, including myself.”

He gripped her shoulders, barely resisting the urge to shake some sense into her. How could she think about closure when they still had a lifetime ahead of them? “If you’d told me, I would’ve protected you, both of you, but you didn’t give me the chance.” He muttered a curse when he realized he was digging himself a deeper hole by continuing to place the blame squarely on her shoulders. “Look, I’m sorry. None of that matters now—”

“Yes, it does, and it always will. That’s my point, Aiden. That period of time defined who we are now. I learned so much from that experience, but I’m ready to let it go now. When I’m ready to find love again, and I believe I will be someday, I want that man to look at me and see a strong, capable woman, not a constant reminder of bitter memories.”

“How can you say that?” he said, barely able to keep the rising panic out of his voice. “You’re so much more than that to me. I have the best memories of the time we spent together.”

She smiled as a tear slid down her cheek. “If that’s true, then I’d like to leave it at that.
Please.
”

Aiden drove around for hours before he finally pulled up in front of Sela’s childhood home and cut his engine. The Clarkes were like family to him. As an impressionable teen, Mr. Clarke helped to shape the man he became almost as much as his own father had.

Standing on the front porch of the old two-story home that was his home away from home during his teen years, he glanced down the street and could almost picture him and his friends playing ball hockey on the boulevard. He’d often bring Sela home and meet up with the guys while Sela did her homework, confident in the knowledge he would always be a welcome guest at the Clarkes’ dinner table.

He and Sela had their whole lives mapped out back then. It wasn’t a question of
if
they would marry and start a family, but when. Their friends and family accepted it as a done deal, and Aiden knew he made the mistake of taking their relationship for granted. It never even occurred to him that something could happen to derail their plans.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to ring the doorbell. He had no idea how Sela’s parents would feel about the man who got their daughter pregnant and left town to pursue his own dreams. If only he’d known about the baby, things would have been so different. True, he may not have accepted the offer and moved to Vancouver, but it would have been worth the sacrifice because he would be married to the love of his life now, instead of grasping to come to terms with the fact that he may have lost her all over again.

Muriel Clarke opened the door and the years melted away. She was his
other
mother in the stands at all his games, cheering him on and heckling the referee, alongside her husband, son, and daughter. Aiden hadn’t realized until that moment it wasn’t only the void Sela created in his life that left him feeling hollow. He missed being part of her family.

“Oh my goodness,” Muriel said, reaching out a hand to him. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” She tugged on his hand, pulling him inside. “Peter and I were just talking about you over breakfast this morning.”

She reached up to frame his face with her hands, and he felt the same love and affection they’d always shared, bridging the gap between the past and present. The tension he felt since long before he came home began to recede, as it always did in her presence. She had a way of comforting him and making him believe that everything would be okay.

“It’s so good to see you,” he said, drawing her into a hug. “I’ve missed you, all of you.”

She drew back to smile at him and patted his cheek. “We’ve missed you too, honey.” Her big dark eyes, so much like her daughter’s, reflected her sorrow when she said, “I know why you felt you had to stay away, but I hope you always knew you were welcome in our home, Aiden. No matter what happened between you and Sela, that never changed.”

 “I appreciate that.” He smiled when she slipped her arm through his and led him past the formal dining room into the kitchen where they all used to congregate. “I wanted to call or stop by dozens of times over the years, but I didn’t feel I had the right.” He cursed the emotion creeping into his voice, not that he thought he could hide his feelings from Muriel. She was too intuitive to be fooled by false bravado. “I knew Sela was trying to build a new life, and I didn’t want to put you in the position of having to—”

“She was trying to hide behind a worthless piece of paper if you ask me,” Muriel said, pulling out a chair at the same scarred oak table that had been the focal point of this room for as long as Aiden could remember. “Sit down. I’ll get us some coffee.”

“Is Mr. Clarke around? I’d love to see him too.”

She poured coffee into three mugs as she said, “He’s outside tending to the garden. I know he’ll be thrilled to see you.” She walked to the mud room off the kitchen and opened the screen door leading to the backyard. “Peter, we have a visitor.” 

Aiden looked around the kitchen, marveling at the fact that the last decade hadn’t changed it even marginally. He found it comforting that, in a world where people seemed intent on upgrading to the next best thing, there were still people like the Clarkes, who appreciated the simple pleasures in life. “If he’s busy—”

Muriel let the door slam shut as she turned her attention back to him. “Nonsense, he’d never forgive me if I let his favorite hockey player get away without telling him you were here. Every game you play, he and Danny are glued to their sets.”

Aiden smiled at the knowledge that Sela’s father and older brother still counted themselves among his fans. “How is Danny?”

Muriel reached into the cow cookie jar and began placing homemade cookies on a matching platter. “He’s good. He’s a firefighter now.”

Aiden grinned. “It’s nice to know he’s livin’ his dream, too.”

“He is, but it sure would be nice if he could find the right girl and settle down. By the time either one of my kids sees fit to give me grandchildren, I’ll be too old to enjoy them.” Her sharp intake of breath indicated she would withdraw the words if she could. “Oh, honey, I’m sorry. Sela told me that she talked to you about…”

“The baby?” He tried to keep his voice steady when he said, “Yeah, she did.”

Muriel set the tray of cookies down on the table before setting another tray containing coffee, cream, and sugar down between them. “I can’t even imagine how you must have felt when you found out. I feel terrible that we didn’t tell you, but—”

The screen door slammed shut, interrupting her explanation, and Aiden looked up to see his favorite former teacher crowding the doorway, a wide grin splitting his face as he wiped his dirty hands on baggy, mud-streaked jeans. “Well, I’ll be... If this isn’t the best surprise I’ve had in a long, long time.”

Aiden stood up, extending his hand. “It’s good to see you, Mr. Clarke.”

He held up his hands, a twinkle in his eyes as he said, “Give me a minute to get cleaned up. I’ll be right back.”

Muriel rolled her eyes as her husband made his way up the back stairs to the bedrooms. “He’s worse than a kid, playing out there in the mud all day.”

Aiden laughed at the characterization. Gardening was always one of Peter Clarke’s passions, and clearly, retirement had given him more time to pursue his hobby. “It’s nice to see you both doin’ so well,” Aiden said, patting Muriel’s hand. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about you guys over the years. I’ve asked my parents a time or two if they ever saw you around, but they said they hadn’t.”

“How are your folks, Aiden?”

Aiden’s parents and Sela’s had developed a friendship over the years their children dated. The hockey games, backyard barbecues, and holiday parties the two families shared were among some of Aiden’s favorite memories. “They’re good, really good. Dad retired a while back, and Mom’s semi-retired. They’re travelin’, going on cruises…” He chuckled. “Hell, they’re busier now than ever.”