Tracing Holland (NSB Book 2) (25 page)

“After my speech, no. Nothing.”

She shakes her head. “Wonder what that means.”

I shrug. “I have no idea, but I’ll probably need to sleep
with one eye open for the rest of the tour.”

“Your eye is still messed up from the last conversation!”

I grin and lean toward her again. “Makes me look like a
badass though, right?”

She answers my question with another kiss. A much deeper one
than I was expecting. “Maybe.”

“I knew it. You talk big about being all evolved and mature,
but deep down you just want your boyfriend to beat the shit out of people like
everyone else.”

Her eyes widen at my teasing. “Oh really? Big tough guy,
huh?”

I laugh as she shoves me down and straddles me. The hungry
kiss that follows completely erases anything left of my arguments. I don’t even
remember the topic.

“Wow,” I say when we finally come up for air.

“That’s one way to get you to shut up,” she grins, kissing
me again.

“Wait, I thought I’m always in trouble for not talking
enough!”

She rolls her eyes and smacks me before leaning in again and
leaving no doubt about
who
will be winning this
debate.

∞∞∞

We have
breakfast at the hotel with Callie and Casey the next morning before they take
off for the funeral. Casey is unusually quiet, somber certainly, but I’m not
convinced it’s solely related to the death of his father. I don’t think anyone
could have dreaded such a gathering as much as I had, but this event will be no
picnic for Casey either. His rocky relationship with his father will be the
elephant in the room, and that’s best-case scenario. Worst case, he becomes the
focal point of today’s drama, and my heart goes out to him as he prepares to
face his own demons that have followed him to Houston. He and I both suspect he
was spared their claws yesterday only because I was a more desirable target. There’s
so much to say, but I can tell he has no interest in talking about it right
now. I don’t blame him and give him a knowing look when they rise to leave.

“We’ll be here when you get back, ok?” I assure him quietly,
knowing he’ll understand my unspoken message.

“Thanks, man,” he replies.

I give him a quick hug and turn to Callie. “Take care of
him. I’m putting you in charge today.”

She nods and tucks her arm around Casey’s waist. “For sure.”
She squeezes and smiles up at him. “I love you, hon.
You
got this,” she says, and I catch the way he immediately seems to relax.

“Thanks, Cal.” He gives her a quick kiss. “You ready?”

She nods again and turns back to us. “Wish us luck,” she
says with a knowing look, and I almost cringe. They are going to need so much
more than that. I’m feeling terrible about abandoning Casey, but realize I
would be doing him no favors with my volatile presence.

Holland and I watch them leave before returning to our
seats.

“You ok?” Holland asks, searching my eyes. “It had to be
hard letting him go.”

I give her a weak smile, appreciating her insight. “There’s
no way I could step foot in that church after yesterday.”

She grins and shakes her head. “No. Not unless they want to
perform a dozen more funerals this week.”

I smirk and lean back. “He’s got Callie. Thank God for her.
She’ll take care of him.”

“They’re lucky to have found each other.”

“You don’t even know the half of it,” I mutter, leaning
forward and rubbing my eyes. I shake off the story. “Anyway, Casey will be ok.
He’s one of the strongest people I know.”

She nods and studies me. I have no idea what she’s thinking,
which always fascinates and scares the crap out of me at the same time. I don’t
know how she always seems to get inside me, but man, that’s no place for her
right now. She has mercy for once. “So what’s the plan for today now that the
funeral has been removed from the agenda?”

I swallow and look away, having no idea how to respond to
that question. It’s a simple answer, but completely impossible at the same
time. I steady my nerves and force myself to meet her gaze.

“I want to visit Elena while I’m here,” I explain quietly,
begging her to understand.

Her eyes soften as she reaches for my hand. “Of course,” she
says, squeezing my fingers. “May I go with you?”

I just stare at her. I’m sure I look ridiculous. Actually, I
have no clue what my face looks like because if it’s anything like what’s going
on in my head…

“Holland, I…Really? You’d go with me?”

She almost seems surprised by my question. “Of course I
would! She’s part of you. She’s always going to be a part of you. I understand
that.”

I look away, fighting the emotion that starts creeping into
my chest, my throat. I’m so unprepared for this moment I have no idea how to
navigate it.

“When do you want to go?” she continues gently, clearly
sensing my struggle.

“Now, probably.”

Holland gets up from the table and moves around to my side.
She holds out her hands, and I gaze up in awe for a moment before accepting her
amazing gift and letting her pull me to my feet.

∞∞∞

I know
I’m being quiet, even for me, as we climb out of the cab and approach the giant
iron gate
. Holland takes my hand and squeezes as I
draw in a deep breath, bracing for what lies beyond. We start moving again and
I can’t help but reflect on how much has changed since the last time I passed
through this arch just a couple weeks before. I feel like a different person,
almost like there is an entirely new path carved for me through this maze of
grass and rock.

Neither of us speaks as we walk and I’m grateful for the
silence. I have no words for this situation, and I’m beginning to think Holland
doesn’t either. We both sense our submersion in uncharted territory, but then
again, nothing about our relationship has followed the rules so far. I suppose
that shouldn’t surprise me when my entire life has been one giant “F-U” battle
between
me and the universe
. I have no idea who’s
winning at this point.

I slow as we approach Elena’s grave and lead Holland off the
asphalt path, into the grass. Her grip tightens, but I’m no longer certain the
pressure is entirely for my benefit. I glance at her face and am struck by the glimpse
into what this truly means to her for the first time. She has been nothing but
supportive, an angel, since the day we met, but this moment, this reality,
can’t be easy for her either. To know she not only has to share me with a
ghost, but a ghost I wronged. A ghost that represents the horror of what I was
and will never be appeased. No amount of apologies, counseling, or promises
will ever reverse this headstone.

“It’s beautiful,” she manages finally, staring in awe at the
breathtaking ruby granite.

I swallow, trying to steady my breathing. “It was the only
beautiful thing I did for her,” I whisper before I can stop it.

I sense her gaze but can’t look.

“That can’t be true,” she returns, and I close my eyes. I
can feel the hot tears beating against my eyelids and quickly focus back on the
headstone.

“It was custom-made,” I continue quietly, somehow needing
her to understand what Elena never will. “I didn’t just want an angel or heart
or something. I wanted a work of art, something that no one else would ever
have. I wanted everyone who saw it to understand how beautiful she was. How
much she was loved. I just…” My voice is quivering too much now. The words
stop, and I finally dare a glance at her, even though I know it’s a mistake as
I let it happen. I know once we see each other in this moment there is no going
back from it. The tears are so heavy in my chest now, I’m not sure the words that
got stuck will come out.

“Holland, I...” I search her eyes, silently pleading for
something I don’t even understand. “I made sure everyone who passes this rock
knows how amazing she was. I just wish she had known that in life. I’d give
anything to have the chance to explain why her headstone is so incredible.”

I lose the battle with my tears then, and she wraps her arms
around me. I cling to her with
a desperation
that silences
us, the air heavy with emotion we can’t even begin to sort through.

“What if she didn’t know? It was my job to make sure she
understood that!” I charge at the awful, thick cloud around us.

Holland doesn’t respond, and I’m grateful. I don’t need lies
right now; I just need to figure out how to move forward with the crushing
reality that sometimes it seems like the wrong person gets the second chance.

“You’re not broken, Luke. Just lost like the rest of us,”
she says softly, and I clench my eyes shut at her familiar mantra. I know she
had no idea what she was saying that first time she uttered those words. She
couldn’t possibly have understood what she’d face if she braved this journey
with me. She was being kind then, compassionate. The fact that she can repeat it
now changes everything.

“You’re amazing, Holland. You’re beautiful,” I whisper,
pulling back and gazing into her eyes. “For as long as I’m alive you will know
that.”

Her own eyes fill with tears as she stares at me. I can tell
she’s speechless, and I’m glad because I’m all out of words too. I kiss her
gently instead before we turn back to Elena. Slipping my arm around Holland’s
shoulders, I hold her against me, silent and still as we remember.

∞∞∞

It’s
not even lunchtime by the time we start to make our way back to the hotel,
although it might as well be midnight for how exhausted I feel. I’m surprised,
even slightly irritated, when Holland pulls out her phone and begins issuing
new directions to the driver.

“Where are we going?” I ask, starting to get nervous. I’m
not sure I’m up for another adventure at the moment.

“You’ll see.”

I don’t respond, mostly because I don’t want to hurt her
with the protest in my head, and stare back out the window. I’m confused when
we pull up to a very average-looking shopping complex.

“Want me to wait?” the cab driver asks.

“No, it’s fine. We might be a while,” she says, paying the
fare.

The driver nods, and I hold out my hand to help her from the
car.

“I could have paid for the cab,” I mutter.

“So could I.” Her grin manages to force a smile from my sour
face.

“So, what? We’re going to the mall?”

“Kind of.”

“Forgot your toothbrush or something?”

“Luke, this is one of the few times in our relationship
where I give you permission to shut your mouth.”

I laugh then, I can’t help it, and she tugs my arm. “Let’s
go!”

I sigh and allow her to lead me toward one of the giant
storefronts. I glance up and almost pull to a stop.

“A music store? Holland…”

“What did I just say?”

I grunt as she yanks me toward the entrance.

The store is nearly empty, which is bad enough, but even
worse is the fact that we can tell the employees immediately
recognize
us. I guess we shouldn’t be surprised given the fact that our faces are
probably plastered all over the wall of screens to the left all day, every day.

“Hi, can you help us for a moment?” Holland asks the first slack-jawed,
twenty-something we find in a uniform.

“Uh, yeah. Hi…what…”

“I’m Holland, this is Luke, and we’re interested in your
acoustics. Can you let us into the display room?”

He manages a nod and fumbles with his keys. “Um, yeah, this
way. Do you need help? I mean, probably not. But if you have questions…I’m Tyler.
I’ll be…” He tucks his hair behind his ears. “Over there.” He points to the
counter, and Holland gives him a gracious smile.

“Thanks, Tyler. We’ll let you know if we need anything.”

He nods, but still hasn’t moved.

I’m sure Holland
notices
, and it’s
everything I can do not to laugh. “Oh, hey, Tyler?” Her smile turns from sweet
to downright stunning, and I suppress my grin. This kid doesn’t have a prayer.

“Any chance you could give us the room for an hour or so?
Tell people it’s a private demo?”

There is nothing on this planet that would make the guy deny
her request, that much is obvious, and this time I have to escape to the
display room to hide my amusement. Not surprisingly, Tyler is pretty sure that
shouldn’t be a problem, and Holland is very grateful. She follows me in a few
seconds later and we exchange a subtle grin. We know we’re on camera and don’t
want to embarrass poor Tyler who’s been nothing but accommodating.

“What’ll it be, rock star?” Holland asks, facing the giant
wall of acoustic guitar models. “
Ooo
, check out this
Taylor.”

“We’re buying cheap guitars now? You dragging those on the
flight back?”