Tracie Peterson (43 page)

The question caught Ashley by surprise, but as a parent she was used to these kinds of uncomfortable questions. “No, sweetie. You don’t have to look at Uncle Dave’s body.” She didn’t even know if they were having an open casket service, but she would see to it that John didn’t have to view the body if that helped to still his own concerns about the funeral.

“Are there going to be a lot of people?” John asked.

“I don’t know,” Ashley replied. “Since we didn’t hang around with Uncle Dave, it’s hard to tell if he had a lot of friends. His family will be there and all of our family will probably be there. I don’t know for sure if your aunt Brook can come, but the rest will.”

This seemed to satisfy John for the moment, and it was a good thing. Ashley recognized Erica’s apartment complex from the only other time she’d been there nearly two years before.

“One hundred!” Zach called out.

“See,” his mother said, “we’re here.”

The boys gave a little cheer and Ashley felt like joining them. Her body ached from having driven over six hundred miles. It would feel good to relax in Erica’s apartment while they figured out what they should do for accommodations.

Ashley watched the numbers on the building and finally spotted her sister’s car in one of the parking spots. She pulled in beside it and sighed. They were finally here.

Their search for Erica’s apartment was quickly concluded when John sited her number on a metallic strip over the door. Zach helped the expedition by pounding his fists against the door as though he were trying to knock it down rather than get the attention of the occupants.

Erica opened the door and beamed a smile at the trio. “I’m so glad you’re here!”

Ashley hugged her baby sister and then waited patiently while John and Zach allowed their aunt to fawn over them.

“Come on in. Connie’s here and she’ll be so happy to see you all. And I have another surprise,” Erica said, pulling Ashley inside. “Look who else is here!”

Ashley came around the corner into the kitchen. “Brook?” She welcomed her twin with open arms, then caught sight of Connie and did the same. “I can’t believe we’re all here.”

“Isn’t it great?” Erica replied. “We’ve been sitting here talking and hoping you’d make it before much longer. Connie was thinking of going out to bring us some food.”

“Well, the boys ate about half an hour ago, but I’m starved. What are we getting?” Ashley questioned.

The plans were quickly made to retrieve Chinese takeout and Connie suggested the boys go along to help.

“I’ll even buy you some ice cream while we’re out, if it’s okay with your mom,” she said, eyeing Ashley.

“That would be fine by me,” Ashley answered, “but stay with Aunt Connie. You don’t know anyone else in this city and I don’t need you getting lost.”

The boys cheered and danced excitedly in the hall while Connie collected her purse and borrowed Erica’s car keys. “We’ll be back before you know it.”

After they had gone, Erica, Brook, and Ashley relaxed in the living room. “I can’t believe this has happened,” Ashley finally said, breaking the silence. “Does anyone know why?”

Erica shook her head. “There doesn’t seem to be much in the way of answers. I know Deirdre feels guilty. She thinks she pushed Dave too hard, but other than that, I haven’t a clue. She’s really not talking that much to me.”

“That must be hard on you,” Brook said softly. “I know how I feel when Ash doesn’t talk to me.”

Ashley looked up, a sense of guilt washing over her. “Like what you went through last week?”

Brook nodded. “I thought we were past that.”

Ashley sighed. “It isn’t your fault, so please don’t blame yourself.
A lot has happened. Some good. Some bad. We can all talk about me at a later date. Right now we need to think about Deirdre. How can we best help her through this?”

Erica shrugged. “I don’t have a clue. She plans to go to the farm after the funeral.”

“Me too,” Ashley said. “I hope all the extra company won’t be too much of a burden on Grammy.”

Brook shook her head. “You know better. We could all move back in lock, stock, and barrel and Grammy would dance a jig in downtown Council Grove.”

They laughed at the thought. “She would,” Ashley replied, knowing it to be true.

“Morgan hasn’t said a word since Dave’s suicide,” Erica said, sobering all of a sudden. “I think Deirdre’s going to have a big problem on her hands in that area. Maybe being with the boys will help Morgan. She’ll have some kids close to her own age to play with, and maybe that way she won’t feel quite so isolated. I get the impression that she’s completely lost inside her own little world.”

“Poor baby,” Ashley said, thinking how hard it would be on her own boys if they were to lose their father. Of course, that thought triggered memories of her own problems. Hadn’t she contemplated taking her boys away from their father? It wasn’t a death situation, but it would no doubt be just as devastating. Not only that, but Jack had mentioned understanding the idea of suicide. Was he contemplating his own death because of what he’d done to Ashley—to their family?

“So where did Dave kill himself?” Brook questioned.

“Their bedroom,” Erica replied. “It was just awful. Connie and I helped Grammy clean up the mess, but it was pretty hideous.”

“You had to clean up after that?” Ashley questioned.

“Nobody else would,” Erica said. “It isn’t the job of the police, and the paramedics certainly had better things to do with their time.”

“How awful. I had no idea. I just presumed the police had some
sort of detail that took care of the worst parts of it.” Ashley couldn’t imagine having to deal with the grotesque aftermath of a suicide.

“Deirdre doesn’t even want to go back to the house. She says she’s going to sell it and never spend another night there. Grammy’s trying to get her to take things slow and give herself time before making rash decisions.”

“That would be best,” Ashley said thoughtfully. “She might get down the road and realize that the house is all she has to remind her of the good times as well as the bad times. It’s best not to make decisions based on emotions.” She pushed aside thoughts of her own problems, knowing that the same advice was true for her situation.

The sisters talked companionably for nearly half an hour before Connie returned. After that the four sisters ate and talked and enjoyed the evening in spite of the sorrowful event that had brought them all together. Ashley couldn’t remember when they’d had a better time together. They were far more open and less hostile than they’d ever been.

She thought of their childhood days and the pain they shared because of Rachelle. What a contrast to see them together sharing the pain of Dave’s death. This ordeal seemed to knit them together, whereas anything associated with Rachelle only seemed to pull them apart.

“So how’s Grammy holding up?” Ashley questioned as the evening wore on. She glanced over to find her boys sound asleep on the floor in front of Erica’s television.

“Gram’s doing pretty well,” Connie answered. “She’s had to deal with so much, but she has such strength.”

Ashley thought she denoted a softness to Connie that had never been there before. Her sister seemed so reserved, almost demure. It just wasn’t Connie’s personality at all, but it was rather nice.

“I suppose it would be good to give her a call. If someone can direct me to the hotel where they’re all staying, I’ll collect my boys and head on over.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Erica said. “I mean, I know we’re
limited on room here, but I kind of like having the extra company.”

“Besides, the bed in the guest room is a queen,” Connie pointed out. “You and Brook could share it and we could pull out the sleeper sofa for the boys, and I’ll sleep in the recliner.”

“Oh no, you won’t,” Erica protested. “You can sleep with me. My bed is queen-sized too. If Brook and Ashley can share a bed, surely you and I can. We are, after all, sisters.”

Ashley sighed in her exhaustion as her sister continued to decide the arrangements. It felt so good to be with family. She had worried about having to keep up her guard the entire time she was in Kansas City, but now something told her she was wrong. Something had changed.

Maybe holding back from her siblings had allotted her only grief and isolation. Maybe it was time to let go of the past and the painful events they held one another accountable for. Maybe it was time to let go of Rachelle and the competition that so clearly drove each of them off in different directions.

She closed her eyes and tried to pray. Ashley wanted nothing more than to leave her problems with God, but Grammy always said that even though God would bear the burden of their problems, He would still expect them to work in faith to do His good will. What if that good will meant that she was supposed to forgive Jack and stay in her marriage? What if that good will meant that she would never be avenged for the wrong done her, but instead, that life could be put back together for a wonderful future? Could she let go of her heartache and forgive?

Ashley opened her eyes and looked at her sleeping sons. Forgiveness was a high price to expect of her . . . but was it too much to pay for her children’s sake?

Chapter 38

Dave’s funeral drew nearly two hundred and fifty people. Deirdre hadn’t known what to expect and found herself pleasantly surprised to find her husband so well admired and esteemed. It meant a great deal to her that she would have this support. But even more so, it meant the world to her that her entire family had come to stand by her side in this horrible experience.

Later, after everyone—with the exception of Harry and the family—had gone and Deirdre’s arms were aching from having carried Morgan most of the day, Mattie announced that she had arranged a private dinner with Deirdre’s church. To say she was surprised was only partially true. Nothing Grammy ever did truly surprised Deirdre. But this time she was touched at the extra effort that must have gone into setting up this arrangement. Mattie knew no one else in Kansas City, yet somehow she had coordinated with the church to provide dinner after the late-afternoon funeral.

Deirdre had worried terribly about Dave’s parents, but Mattie had this under control as well. They had announced that they were heading back to St. Louis rather than going to the family dinner. Their eyes were red-rimmed from crying, and after the crowds had gone, Deirdre had honored their wish to have the casket opened one last time for a private viewing. She herself had no desire to see Dave again—not that way. She was working too hard to remember the good times—the times when they had been full of hope about the future and refused to allow anything to come between them.

When Mike and Julie announced their decision to leave, Deirdre had wanted to reach out to them, but she found she had no
strength left. She was drawing from an empty bucket.

Fortunately, Mattie knew what was needed. Deirdre felt an overwhelming sense of relief as Mattie took charge of the situation. She watched her grandmother take Julie and Mike by the arm and talk very softly to them, with an occasional backward glance at Deirdre and Morgan. Deirdre pretended to be absorbed in something else, as it seemed Mattie wasn’t really trying to draw her attention. Before long, Mattie returned to say that Julie and Mike would meet them at the church.

But it wasn’t until that evening, after her sisters had gone back to Erica’s apartment and Morgan had fallen asleep for the night, that Deirdre was able to thank Mattie for all she had done.

“I know I couldn’t have made it through this day without you,” she said softly, stretching her legs out to rest atop the suite’s coffee table.

Mattie smiled and seemed to relax a bit in the wing-backed chair. “It was a hard day, but we faced it together, all of us—together with God.”

Deirdre nodded. “I know that now. I know that God has been with me all along. It won’t be easy, though. Even knowing that.”

Mattie nodded. “No, it isn’t easy. You loved Dave very much. Just as I loved Edgar.”

“He was my whole world,” Deirdre replied, then shook her head. “No, he was a good portion of it. I’m going to be so empty without him.” For the first time that day she allowed her tears to flow. She had tried so hard to be brave for Morgan’s sake. “What am I going to do without him, Grammy? I loved him so much.”

“You’ll do what you have to do,” Mattie replied. She sighed. “It’s funny the way life works. We can stand back and look at the events other people endure and say, ‘I could never make it through something like that.’ Then before long we find ourselves up against some of the very same things and realize that we’re doing what had once seemed impossible.”

“Yes,” Deirdre agreed. “It’s just like that. I would have told you
last week that I would have crumpled up and died if anything like this were to happen. Now here I am, taking each moment as it comes—living through it.”

“But that’s the secret. You’re taking each moment as it comes. You can’t live in the future or the past, you must live for the here and now. Remember, Jesus said to take up your cross daily and follow Him. He knew it was all we could manage. And sometimes, quite frankly, I have to take up my cross a whole lot more frequently than daily because I put it down a great many times along the way. Sometimes I put it down to nurse my wounds, sometimes to hurl stones at those who are attacking me—but when it’s all said and done, there it sits, waiting for me to pick it back up and follow Him.”