Toxic Parents (2 page)
But there are many parents whose negative patterns of behavior are consistent and dominant in a child’s life. These are the parents who do the harm.
As I searched for a phrase to describe the common ground that these harmful parents share, the word that kept running through my mind was
toxic.
Like a chemical toxin, the emotional damage inflicted by these parents spreads throughout a child’s being, and as the child grows, so does the pain. What better word than
toxic
to
describe parents who inflict ongoing trauma, abuse, and denigration on their children, and in most cases continue to do so even after their children are grown?
There are exceptions to the “ongoing” or “repetitive” aspects of this definition. Sexual or physical abuse can be so traumatic that often a single occurrence is enough to cause tremendous emotional damage.
Unfortunately, parenting, one of our most crucial skills, is still very much a seat-of-the-pants endeavor. Our parents learned it primarily from people who may not have done such a good job: their parents. Many of the time-honored techniques that have been passed down from generation to generation are, quite simply, bad advice masquerading as wisdom (remember “spare the rod and spoil the child”?).
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ARENTS
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O TO
Y
OU
?
Whether adult children of toxic parents were beaten when little or left alone too much, sexually abused or treated like fools, overprotected or overburdened by guilt, they almost all suffer surprisingly similar symptoms: damaged self-esteem, leading to self-destructive behavior. In one way or another, they almost all feel worthless, unlovable, and inadequate.
These feelings stem, to a great degree, from the fact that children of toxic parents blame themselves for their parents’ abuse, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. It is easier for a defenseless, dependent child to feel guilty for having done something “bad” to deserve Daddy’s rage than it is for that child to accept the frightening fact that Daddy, the protector, can’t be trusted.
When these children become adults, they continue to bear these burdens of guilt and inadequacy, making it extremely difficult for them to develop a positive self-image. The resulting lack of confidence and self-worth can in turn color every aspect of their lives.
Taking Your Psychological Pulse
It’s not always easy to figure out whether your parents are, or were, toxic. A lot of people have difficult relationships with their parents. That alone doesn’t mean your parents are emotionally destructive. Many people find themselves struggling on the cusp, questioning whether they were mistreated or whether they’re being “oversensitive.”
I’ve designed the following questionnaire to help you take the first steps toward resolving that struggle. Some of these questions may make you feel anxious or uncomfortable. That’s okay. It is always difficult to tell ourselves the truth about how much our parents may have hurt us. Although it might be painful, an emotional reaction is perfectly healthy.
For the sake of simplicity, these questions refer to parents in the plural, even though your answer may apply to only one parent.
I. Your Relationship with Your Parents When You Were a Child:
Did your parents tell you you were bad or worthless? Did they call you insulting names? Did they constantly criticize you?
Did your parents use physical pain to discipline you? Did they beat you with belts, brushes, or other objects?
Did your parents get drunk or use drugs? Did you feel confused, uncomfortable, frightened, hurt, or ashamed by this?
Were your parents severely depressed or unavailable because of emotional difficulties or mental or physical illness?
Did you have to take care of your parents because of their problems?
Did your parents do anything to you that had to be kept secret? Were you sexually molested in any way?
Were you frightened of your parents a great deal of the time?
Were you afraid to express anger at your parents?
II. Your Adult Life:
Do you find yourself in destructive or abusive relationships?
Do you believe that if you get too close to someone, they will hurt and/or abandon you?
Do you expect the worst from people? From life in general?
Do you have a hard time knowing who you are, what you feel, and what you want?
Are you afraid that if people knew the real you, they wouldn’t like you?
Do you feel anxious when you’re successful and frightened that someone will find out you’re a fraud?
Do you get angry or sad for no apparent reason?
Are you a perfectionist?
Is it difficult for you to relax or have a good time?
Despite your best intentions, do you find yourself behaving “just like your parents”?
III. Your Relationship with Your Parents as an Adult:
Do your parents still treat you as if you were a child?
Are many of your major life decisions based upon whether your parents would approve?
Do you have intense emotional or physical reactions after you spend or anticipate spending time with your parents?
Are you afraid to disagree with your parents?
Do your parents manipulate you with threats or guilt?
Do your parents manipulate you with money?
Do you feel responsible for how your parents feel? If they’re unhappy, do you feel it’s your fault? Is it your job to make it better for them?
Do you believe that no matter what you do, it’s never good enough for your parents?
Do you believe that someday, somehow, your parents are going to change for the better?
If you answered yes to even one-third of these questions, there is a great deal in this book that can help you. Even though some of the chapters may not seem relevant to your situation, it’s important to remember that all toxic parents, regardless of the nature of their abuse, basically leave the same scars. For example, your parents may not have been alcoholic, but the chaos, instability, and loss of childhood that typify alcoholic homes are just as real for children of other types of toxic parents. The principles and techniques of recovery are similar for all adult children, as well, so I urge you not to miss any of the chapters.
Freeing Yourself from the Legacy of Toxic Parents
If you are an adult child of toxic parents, there are many things you can do to free yourself from their distorted legacy of guilt and self-doubt. I’ll be discussing these various strategies throughout this book. And I want you to proceed with a great deal of hope. Not the deluded hope that your parents will magically change, but the realistic hope that you
can
psychologically unhook from the powerful and destructive influence of your parents. You just have to find the courage. It is within you.
I’ll be guiding you through a series of steps that will help you see this influence clearly and then deal with it, regardless of whether you are currently in conflict with your parents, whether you have a civil but surface relationship, whether you haven’t seen them for years, or even if one or both are dead!
Strange as it may seem, many people are still controlled by their parents after their deaths. The ghosts that haunt them may not be real in a supernatural sense, but they’re very real in a psychological one. A parent’s demands, expectations, and guilt trips can linger long after that parent has died.
You may already have recognized your need to free yourself from your parents’ influence. Maybe you’ve even confronted them about it. One of my clients was fond of saying, “My parents don’t have any
control over my life … I hate them and they know it.” But she came to realize that by fanning the flames of her anger, her parents were still manipulating her, and the energy she put into her anger was a drain on other parts of her life. Confrontation is an important step in exorcising the ghosts of the past and the demons of the present, but it must never be done in the heat of anger.
“A
REN’T
I S
UPPOSED TO
B
E
R
ESPONSIBLE FOR THE
W
AY
I A
M
?”
By now you may be thinking, “Wait a minute, Susan. Almost all the other books and experts say I can’t blame anybody else for my problems.”
Baloney. Your parents are accountable for what they did. Of course, you are responsible for your adult life, but that life was largely shaped by experiences over which you had no control. The fact is:
You are
not
responsible for what was done to you as a defenseless child!
You
are
responsible for taking positive steps to do something about it now!
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OOK
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We are beginning an important journey together. It is a journey of truth and discovery. At its end you will find yourself far more in charge of your life than ever before. I’m not going to make grandiose assurances about your problems disappearing magically overnight. But if you have the courage and strength to do the work in this book, you
will
be able to reclaim from your parents much of the power due you as an adult, and most of the dignity due you as a human being.
This work
does
carry an emotional price tag. Once you peel away your defenses, you’ll discover feelings of rage, anxiety, hurt, confusion, and especially grief. The destruction of your lifelong image of
your parents can elicit powerful feelings of loss and abandonment. I want you to approach the material in this book at your own pace. If some of the work makes you uncomfortable, give it plenty of time. What’s important here is progress, not speed.
To illustrate the concepts in this book, I’ve drawn heavily on case histories from my practice. Some have been directly transcribed from tape recordings, while I’ve reconstructed others from my notes. All the letters in this book are from my files and have been reproduced exactly as they were written. The unrecorded therapy sessions I’ve reconstructed are still vivid in my memory, and I’ve made every effort to re-create them just as they occurred. Only names and identifying circumstances have been changed for legal reasons. None of these cases has been “dramatized.”
These cases may seem sensational, but in fact they are typical. I did not search my files for the most provocative or dramatic cases; rather, I chose cases that most clearly represent the types of stories I hear every day. The issues I will raise in this book are not aberrations of the human condition; they are part of it.
This book is divided into two sections. In the first, we will examine how different types of toxic parents operate. We’ll explore various ways in which your parents might have hurt you and might still be hurting you. This understanding will prepare you for the second section, in which I’ll give you specific behavioral techniques to enable you to reverse the balance of power in your relationships with your toxic parents.
The process of diminishing the negative power of your parents is a gradual one. But it will eventually release your inner strength, the self that’s been hiding all these years, the unique and loving person you were meant to be. Together, we’ll help free that person so that your life can finally be your own.
PART 1
Toxic Parents
1 | Godlike Parents
The Myth of the Perfect Parent
T
he ancient Greeks had a problem. The gods looked down from their ethereal playground atop Mount Olympus and passed judgment on everything the Greeks were up to. And if the gods weren’t pleased, they were swift to punish. They didn’t have to be kind; they didn’t have to be just; they didn’t even have to be right. In fact, they could be downright irrational. At their whim, they could turn you into an echo or make you push a boulder uphill for all eternity. Needless to say, the unpredictability of these powerful gods sowed quite a bit of fear and confusion among their mortal followers.
Not unlike many toxic parent-child relationships. An unpredictable parent is a fearsome god in the eyes of a child.
When we’re very young, our godlike parents are everything to us. Without them, we would be unloved, unprotected, unhoused, and unfed, living in a constant state of terror, knowing we were unable to survive alone. They are our all-powerful providers. We need, they supply.