Toxic Parents (42 page)

There is a big difference, however, between
helping
and
rescuing
. We all need help over the rough spots in life from time to time. To assist financially if you are able to, to be compassionate, and to offer support lets your partner know you are on his team. But I am referring here to the man who has a track record of being able to take care of himself. His trouble is just temporary.
Helping
him is an occasional thing. It is not a constant.

Rescuing
, on the other hand, is a repetitive behavior. This man always needs your help and is usually in difficulties. He has an extensive pattern of instability in both his professional and his personal life. He also consistently blames others for his failures.

Compare, for example, these two men:

• Man #1 has always worked hard and been financially responsible. The company he works for is sold and his job is phased out. He needs to borrow some money until he gets back to work. He is actively looking for a job, and when he finds one he starts paying you back.

• Man #2 has had long periods of financial chaos in his life and is constantly coming to you to bail him out. No job is good enough for him, and he has a history of not getting along with his bosses. When he does get work, he makes little or no effort to pay you back for your help.

Rosalind had noticed Jim’s financial problems the first evening they met, and she immediately began to help out by inviting him to dinner for their first real date. Within weeks, she had suggested that he and his two teen-aged children come to live with her until he could get a regular job with a band. “He said I was the most wonderful woman in the world and now that he knew me, things were going to be different in his life.” It wasn’t long before she was supporting all of them on a permanent basis.

Initially, Jim’s gratitude to Rosalind intensified his feelings for her. If he was in love with her before, he was insane about her once she started taking care of them all. For Jim, as for so many misogynists, her helping became proof that she really cared.

Many women bask in the glow of their partners’ gratitude; it makes them feel truly needed and wanted. And yes, it is exciting to help your mate and to feel that your love and your giving make a difference in his life. His effusive gratitude may feel so wonderful that you begin to accept it as sufficient repayment.

Obviously, not all misogynists need rescuing. Many are stable both professionally and financially. In fact, the more successful the misogynist is, the more he may insist that the woman in his life be totally dependent on
him
. It is the misogynist who has serious patterns of instability who is in need of being rescued. His instability can show itself in a variety of ways: problems with money, substance abuse, chaotic relationships, gambling, or inability to hold a job. This man is sending out distress signals for someone to save him. Many women, especially those with a career of their own, rush in all too quickly with a life preserver, only to get pulled down by the undertow themselves.

Not every high-pitched romance involves a misogynist. Certainly a relationship that starts out with a great deal of excitement can turn out just fine. But if, in addition to the romantic excitement, you find some of the other elements I have described coming into play—rescuing, a sense of panic and desperation, a too-quick bonding or fusion, and a kind of purposeful blindness—then you may be headed for some very rough waters.

TOXIC PARENTS
A Bantam Book
Bantam hardcover edition published September 1989
Bantam mass market edition published October 1990

All rights reserved.
Copyright © 1989 by Susan Forward.

Excerpt from Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them copyright © 1986 by Susan Forward and Joan Torres.

Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 89-6812.
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

For information address: Bantam Books.

eISBN: 978-0-30757532-6

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