Toward the Sound of Chaos (5 page)

“He
did well today.”

“Yes,
he did, thank you.”

“For
what, hon?” She sets the last of the wet food dishes on the sink and turns to
face me.

“You
know what.”

“For
being the bestest best friend that ever there lived?”

I
laugh. “For that and for accepting us both. For treating Spence the way a blood
relative would.” I roll my eyes. “Well, not my blood of course, because they’re
a bunch of assholes, but you know what I mean.”

“Honey,
we may not be related by blood, but the two of you are more family to me than
any living relative I have left. I adore you both. Now get outta here; I got a
Marine to train.”

I
cock my head in confusion. “You’re really going to put him through more
training tonight?”

“Hell
yes I am. I can’t have my dogs out there jumping up on people and giving my
program a bad name. That boy might have a rough exterior, but he’s nothing but
gooey goodness inside—you can see it in his eyes. And he’s spoiling that pooch.”

“You
can? See it in his eyes I mean?” The only thing I ever got from staring in Jake
Tucker’s eyes was damp panties. I’d wager there was nothing soft about that
man. Not after the way he gripped my wrist the other day at the salon. But I
hadn’t told Olivia about that. I wasn’t sure why, when I’d told her everything
else. I guess I just didn’t want her to blame him.

“Oh,
Ellie, you’ve been out of the game for far too long.”

“Okay
Cupid, I’m out of here before you force me to become part of this training.”

She
grins, flashing her perfect white teeth at me, her blue eyes twinkling with
delight. “Now there’s an idea.”

“Goodnight,
Olivia,” I say, and close the door firmly behind me.

When
I reach the kennels, Spencer isn’t there. My heart beats a little faster,
because he has a tendency to wander off.
Stupid
. I shouldn’t have left
him alone but I thought he’d stay put what with the pups being there for him to
watch. I call his name as I walk through the kennels and back to the main
building for the shelter. I head around the side, hoping that maybe he went out
to the car to wait for me but when I get to the small lot, he’s nowhere to be
found.

“Spencer?”
I shout, setting off a whole pound’s worth of pups baying and barking at the
noise.

“What’s
wrong?” Olivia says, as she comes tearing out of the building.

I
rake my hand through my hair. “Spencer’s gone walkabout again.”

“Shoot.”

“I
should have thought . . . I just . . . he was watching the puppies, so I came
inside.”

“It’s
okay, honey,” she says, rubbing her hands up and down my arms. “We’ll find him.
He can’t have gone far.”

I
just look at my friend, because we both know that’s not true. It’s not unusual
for ASD kids to just up and vanish, and Spencer wanders off at the best of
times. The last time he did it here, we found him thirty minutes later walking
up Main Street half way to Montrose.

Jake
comes out of the main building, followed by a smug Eloise. He takes one look at
me and his whole body goes ramrod straight. His gaze scans the scene around us.
“Elle, what’s wrong?”

“Spencer’s
missing.” I try to keep the panic from my voice, but I fail miserably.

“You
three check the property,” Olivia says. “I’m going to jump in the car and drive
down the laneway, see if I can’t find him there.”

I
nod.

“Don’t
worry, well find him,” Jake says, and heads past the kennels toward Olivia’s
house farther back on the property while I run toward the training ring. He
isn’t there. I rack my brain, trying to figure out where he could have gone
before I remember that Olivia sometimes sneaks him cookies when he comes to
visit. I take off for the house imagining all the terrible things I might find
when I get there, but Jake Tucker standing on my best friend’s porch and
telling me to hush as I approach isn’t one of them.

“Did
you find him?” I demand, wondering why he isn’t talking to me. I take the porch
steps two at a time, and all the breath leaves me in a rush when I see my son
and Jake’s dog, passed out on the loveseat with a half-eaten jar of
snickerdoodles between them.

“Olivia’s
going to kill me for this.”

My
heart thunders, and I press my palm to it and take several deep breaths, realizing
how unfit I am and how close I was to a heart attack. This boy will be the
death of me.

“You?”
I say breathlessly. “I’m the one who’ll have to spend all day baking tomorrow
to replace the ones they ate.”

“Search
and rescue get some of those too right?”

I
nod and smile affectionately. “I’m thinking they get a lot more than just
snickerdoodles.”

Good
Lord. Did I just say that?

“You
like divinity? I’m terrible at making it. I can’t ever get my sugar the right
temperature, but Punta Clara Kitchen makes the best. I’ll pick ya up some.”

Jake
just laughs.

What
in the world is wrong with me?
I can’t stop my
mouth from moving. I just keep puking words all over this man.
At least it’s
not actual puke, because I already did that
.

“I
better get him home,” I say, just praying for some sort of miracle in order to
get me to shut up.

I
wake Spence and chastise him for running off. Nuke wakes too, but Jake don’t
even need to speak to him to let him know he’s in trouble—he jumps off the
couch and hangs his head in shame. I clean up the mess they made as best I can,
returning Olivia’s cookie jar to her cupboard inside and righting the chair
Spence left sitting in the middle of the kitchen.

“Spencer
Mason, you march your butt up that hill to the car right now,” I command and he
and Nuke turn tail and plod on ahead of us. Jake and I don’t say a word as we
walk along the path to the shelter. Me, because I’m afraid if I open my mouth
again I won’t stop babbling, and him? Well, I guess he’s the silent type.

When
we near the shelter I realize something important that I forgot to do in between
having a heart attack and embarrassing myself, yet again, in front of the hot
Marine. “Oh, shoot. I forgot to call Olivia. She’ll be past Montrose and half
way to Daphne by now.”

I
didn’t bring my phone. I rarely keep it on me. Most days I don’t even switch it
on because I can’t afford the calls. I only carry it with me if we’re going out
of town on long trips, which we almost never do, so I usher Spence inside to
call Olivia’s cell from the shelter’s front desk. I am not losing sight of this
boy again tonight.

After
I hang up on Olivia, we walk outside. I almost stop dead in my tracks when I
notice Jake and Eloise standing in the lot beside my car. Jake has his back to
me but Eloise is so wrapped up in him she hasn’t even noticed they’re no longer
alone.

“Thank
goodness you were here,” Eloise says in her sugary voice that puts my teeth on
edge on a good day. She twirls a strand of glossy dark hair around her finger.
“I can’t count the amount of times that silly boy has run off and we’ve all had
to waste time looking for him.”

Jake’s
voice is pitched low when he leans in and says, “That boy has a disability, Eloise.
The only thing
silly
here is your ignorance.”

For
a beat I just stand there, blinking back tears. Eloise is young and offensively
pretty, and I suspect there isn’t much going on inside her twenty-one-year-old
brain, but hearing her talk like that about my son hurts. Hearing Jake stick up
for him hurts too, but in a good way.

The
gravel crunches beneath our shoes and Jake turns to look at me. His expression is
tight-lipped as he leaves Eloise standing with her mouth gaping wide enough to
catch flies. He moves toward us. I open Spencer’s door and let him climb in.
Eloise storms past us both with her head down.

“Still
winning friends, I see?” I tease, smiling through my tears and pretending they
ain’t even there.

“Yeah.
I’m a real popular guy.”

“Listen,”
I say quietly, “I never thanked you properly.”

“For
what?”

“For
everything. For pulling me and my son out of the car. For helping find Spence
today,” I add dryly. “For not sending me your dry-cleaning bill after I puked
all down your shirtfront.”

He
grins. “Oh, that one’s in the mail.”

I
laugh. Spencer winds down his window, and for a moment I think it’s so he can
tell me to hurry up because it’s dark already and we’re late for Fried Chicken
Friday—he’s a big fan of alliteration and planning our meals to match the day
of the week. But Spencer doesn’t say a word; he just sticks his hand out so
Nuke can bump up against it.

“Looks
like I’m not the only one making friends and influencing people,” Jake says,
nodding towards our boys.

“Looks
like,” I agree, watching how gentle his dog is. I feel terrible about accusing
him of trying to hurt Spence. Deep down, I probably knew that his dog wasn’t
trying to hurt my son. He was one of Olivia’s, after all. She wouldn’t let him
graduate until he was fully trained. I don’t think what happened that day was
anyone’s fault, but that hadn’t stopped me from exercising my right to be
completely irrational. I make a decision there and then that might be somewhat
selfish, but I think it will be good for all of us. “So you’ll be at the park
tomorrow?”

“If
you promise not to run me off the road this time.”

I
narrow my eyes and fold my arms over my chest. “Hey, you were way past me when
I hit that footbridge.”

“So
Spencer didn’t just make that up?”

I
frown, failing to comprehend his meaning. “Make what up?”

“He
may have said some things when you were out to it.”

I
sigh. “Of course he did.”

My
son and his big mouth.

Too
embarrassed to find out exactly what Spencer told him, I walk around to the
driver’s side of my car, open the door, and climb in.

“Goodnight,
Elle,” Jake says in his low, husky voice. The way he says my name makes my
whole body shiver. I wonder what it would sound like in the dark, raspy with
longing, our skin soaked with sweat and the sheets sticking to our warm bodies.

“Good
night,” I whisper.

“Good
night, Jake Tucker. Bye, Nuke,” Spence sticks his head out the window and calls
to them both. I tell him to buckle in and wait until Jake and Nuke have moved
away from the car, and then I peel out of the lot and float home in a bubble.

Bubbles
are bad. Very bad. Because eventually, they pop. No matter how much you wish it
weren’t so.

Jake

S
aturday
begins like any other day. After a long, sleepless night, Nuke and I get up
early and go for a run. Because it’s the weekend, I think Ellie and Spencer
won’t be there until later, but the beat up Datsun is parked in the lot and
sure enough, the two of them sit on the beach watching the water, though there are
at least two yards between them.

I
slow to a light jog thirty yards away, not wanting to let my muscles cool down
too quickly. I don’t run because I love it; I run because if I don’t this
shrapnel in my leg will likely cause me to lose the use of it. From ankle to
neck, my left side is covered with pock marks and keloid scars. One whole half
of me is ravaged, ruined skin. By the time I was found the pieces were too deep
and too many to remove without causing considerable nerve damage, but your body
knows when something is lodged inside it that shouldn’t be, and every day
there’s new pain as the pieces shift around. Sometimes I wake with the sheets
beneath me soaked in blood from the tiny piece of metal that’s worked its way
out of my skin.

I
ignore the ache in my muscles as Nuke and I walk towards Elle and Spencer.
Sweat beads on my brow and I wipe it away with the shirtsleeve of my grey
Henley, different from the one that Ellie puked on. I’ve been distracted today,
and I didn’t push myself nearly as hard as I usually do, so I’m thinkin’ the
heavy perspiration is because this woman unnerves me like no other ever has.

 “Hi,
Jake Tucker,” Spencer yells. “Mamma, Jake Tucker’s here.”

She
turns and smiles at me, and Jesus Christ is she fucking amazing. Warm brown,
eyes, cute little button nose, and full perfect lips. I have a semi from that
one fucking look alone.

“I
see that,” she says to her son. He jumps up and down on the spot like he don’t
know what to do with himself.

“Mornin’,”
I say, and with creaking bones I park myself in the sand next to Elle.

“Morning.”
She smiles, and if I didn’t know any better I’d say she looks as nervous as a
virgin on her wedding night.

Nuke
whines and I give him a pat between the ears and unclip his lead. “Go be a dog.”
His big goofy head looks between Spencer and me, and I shove his flank with my
hand. “Go on, get.” He bounds off to play with the kid.

“Olivia
is going to kill you,” Elle remarks, and the corners of my mouth tip up into a
grin.

I
nod. “Yup. I reckon she might.”

“I’ve
been savin’ this stick all morning for you, Nuke,” Spencer says. Nuke sits and
waits for it to get airborne, but the kid doesn’t throw it. He drops it in
front of my dog and they both just stare at it.

“Spence,
you have to throw it so Nuke can chase after it,” Elle says.

He
looks at his mother as if she’s insane. “Why?”

“Because
that’s how you play fetch,” she says matter-of-factly. He looks skeptical but
picks up the stick anyway and tosses it about a foot in front of him. Nuke
glances at him, still waiting for Spencer to throw it.

“Hey,
buddy, can I see that?”

Spencer
picks up the stick and hands it to me, looking as if he’d rather be anywhere
else because this game of fetch isn’t at all like he thought it would be.

“The
trick is to throw it as far as you can, so he has to run to get it. Can’t have
him slacking off now, can we?”

“No,
sir.” Spencer shakes his head. I throw it as far as I can without standing up
to do so, and Nuke takes off down the beach to chase after it.

“Whoa,”
Spence says, as Nuke retrieves the stick and drops it at my feet. I hand it to
the boy and he throws it, a lot farther than he had the first time, and like a
shot Nuke is returning it to his feet so he can do it again.

I
glance at Ellie; there’s so much excitement in her expression, so much love and
pride in that one smile she gives him. My heart lurches, wondering what it must
be like to feel that adoration, and hoping that someday I might feel it too.

Jesus.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I should leave. I
should walk away before she begins to think I’m someone who deserves to be in
their lives. I’m not.

“So,
no accidents on the way here?” I find myself saying.

She
glances at me, still wearing that smile, only now it grows wider. “Not today.”

“There’s
always tomorrow right?”

“Oh,
you’re funny.” She glances down at her watch and sighs. “Shoot. Okay Spencer
time to wrap it up.”

“You’re
leaving already?”

“I
have a bridal party coming in at eight. Hair and makeup. I know it’s only seven
fifteen, but I figure it’ll take me at least thirty minutes to get him in the
car. As it was this morning, I had to cover up all the clocks before we left so
he wouldn’t know we were leaving the house early. Spencer doesn’t like changes
to his routine. There are rules, and those rules can’t ever be broken.”

I
nod my understanding though I’m disappointed I don’t get to spend longer with
her. With them both. Seeing Nuke be a dog for once? Well, it’s nice. We play
fetch all the time at home, but it’s work for him and a coping mechanism for me.
When those dark thoughts begin to creep back in, throwing myself into something
physical is just the distraction that I need. It also helps that he looks so
stupidly happy when he retrieves the ball and drops it at my feet all covered
in slobber.

“I
ain’t leavin’. You can’t make me,” Spencer says, tears forming in his eyes. His
face turns red and he stamps his foot hard on the white sand. Nuke whines and
nudges his huge black head against Spencer’s side. “I ain’t goin’, Mamma.”

“Spencer
Mason, do not sass me. Now, we’ve had a nice time, but we have to say goodbye
to Nuke and Jake and get in the car. Mamma has clients this morning.”

“I
don’t care. I don’t wanna go.” He stamps his foot again and folds his arms
across his chest. “You’re the worst mamma ever. I hate you. I ain’t leavin’.”

Tears
prick Ellie’s eyes and she blushes. “Spencer Mason, you are gettin’ in that
car.”

“No!”
He picks up the stick and throws it again, and Nuke takes off to retrieve it. I
call him back with a whistle and he abandons the hunt to flank my side. I pat
his head and move closer to Spencer.

“Hey,
buddy.”

“My
name ain’t buddy. It’s Spencer Mason. You can call me Spencer Mason.”

I
nod. “Spencer Mason, your mamma has work to do today. Now I’m sure she’d like
to stay as much as the rest of us, but sometimes grownups have to work.”

“I
hate her work; she’s always workin’.”

“I
know, but you see adults have to work to keep you in food and clothes.” I pause
to let him take that in. His lips purse and his eyes narrow. I can practically
see the little cogs in his head turning. “How old are you, Spencer?”

“Eight
years old.”

I
nod. “And I bet you’ve grown real big since you were seven, right?”

“Yes,
sir. I got muscles on top of muscles.” He flexes.

“Whoa.
Don’t go flashing those things around, Spencer, you’ll scare everyone.”

He
laughs and wipes at his nose with the back of his hand. “I’m gonna be a U.S.
Marine.”

My
smile falters, and I swallow hard. I look at his mother. Tears slide down her
cheeks and ruin her makeup. “Well, you know the Marines don’t take to
insubordination of any kind. Do you know what that word means?”

“Insubordination
is the refusal to obey orders,” he says, and I could have sworn he’d rolled his
eyes at that and his head was screaming, “Duh!”

“That’s
right. Now you got ten more years before you can enlist, but if you wanna be a
Marine you gotta take orders from your mamma. It’s that simple.”

“But
I don’t wanna go.”

“I
know that, but I’ll make you a deal. Nuke and me, we gonna be walking this
beach tomorrow. You and your mamma are welcome to join us, but you have to go
with her now, and you have to be good the whole day.”

“On
Sundays we have church,” Spencer says, matter-of-factly.

“And
after that?”

“After
that we go to the market.”

I
nod. “And what then?”

“Then
we have an hour of free time, Mamma does the laundry and I play with my toys,
and then we have lunch.”

I
run my hand over my stubble with a puzzled expression. “Wow, that seems like a
pretty busy Sunday.”

“We
have another free-time hour after lunch. We could do it then?”

I
glance at his mamma, who watches me with a wide eyed expression. “Elle, you
okay with that?”

She
nods, blinking back tears. “I think we can manage.”

“It’s
a deal,” I say.

Spencer
frowns, glances nervously from his mother to me. “You’re supposed to shake on
it, right?”

I
clear my throat. “Yeah, that’s usually how you seal a deal.”

“I
don’t like to be touched,” he says, wringing his little hands together.

I
lean forward and whisper, “Can I tell you a secret?” He nods. “I don’t like to
be touched either.”

“You
don’t?”

I
shake my head. Spencer’s face explodes with a grin. “Do you have to have all
the tags cut off your shirts too?”

I
shake my head and his face falls. “No, but I hate fireworks and other really
loud noises. That’s why I have Nuke. He helps me deal with everything when my
head gets too messy.”

“I
like Nuke.”

“He
likes you,” I say, grinning at the boy. “I can tell.”

“How?”

“Well,
for a start, he won’t just let any old person throw a stick for him. And he
does love snickerdoodles.”

“I
gave him snickerdoodles at Aunt Olivia’s.”

“I
know.” I can’t help smiling at his enthusiasm. “So tomorrow we’ll meet here
after lunch and we can throw the stick some more.”

“Deal.”
He nods and picks up the stick and holds it tight to his body.

Nuke
goes on alert, ready to seek it out. “You gonna take it home with you? Why
don’t we just leave it here and pick it up tomorrow?”

“No.
then it might be different. It might wash out with the tide, or someone might
pick it up and take it. It’s our stick. We need to keep our stick.”

“Alright
then. You bring it back tomorrow; you hear?” I say. “And be good for your
mamma.”

He
nods as if he’s cementing those thoughts inside his head, and with a wave at
Nuke, he runs up the beach to the near empty lot. I turn to Elle.

“Thank
you,” she says.

I
shake my head. “It’s nothing.”

“You
don’t know Spence. It weren’t nothing, trust me—it was something. Spencer
doesn’t just change his routine like that on a whim.” She sighs, watching her
boy as he climbs in the back seat of her car. “I’ve been trying for eight years
to accomplish what you just did in one minute.”

“You
need to stop being so hard on yourself. You’re a good mamma, Elle. I don’t even
know you that well, but I know that much about you at least.”

She
runs a hand through her hair, untangling the locks that the bay breeze had
caused. It looks like a nervous gesture. “Sometimes I wonder if that’s true.”

“Yeah?”
I say, surprised. “Sometimes I wonder if I actually went crazy over there in
that desert, and I’m not really here, but moments like this prove me wrong.”

She
laughs half-heartedly. “Point taken.” Elle adjusts her purse strap on her
shoulder and says, “Oh shoot, I almost forgot to give you this.”

She
pulls a cello bag of fluffy white candies out of her purse and holds it out to
me. I take it from her, my whole body tenses when her fingers touch mine.
“Divinity?”

“Payment
for helping me find Spence. Or a part of it anyway. I haven’t had a chance to
bake the cookies yet, but I will. I always settle my debts.”

I
don’t bother telling her that she doesn’t owe me a thing because I always was a
sucker for a woman who could bake, and the idea of having her make something
for me? Well, I ain’t gonna lie. I like the thought of that a lot.

“Thank
you,” I say, holding up the bag. I never cared for the candies much, but unless
she had them in her house already, she woulda had to get these late last night
after we talked or first thing this morning. I happen to know that Punta Clara
don’t open this early or stay open that late, so getting her hands on these
woulda meant she’d called in a favor or two.

She
smiles sheepishly, as if she figured out what I was thinking. “I better go.
Don’t wanna be late.”

“Yep,
you better,” I say with a grin.

“Goodbye,
Jake Tucker.”

“Goodbye,
Elle.”

She
hurries to her car and turns the key in the ignition. She backs out without
even a second glance behind her and speeds off like a race-car driver about to
lap the track. I shake my head. That woman is a walking time bomb and the more
I talk to her, the more I don’t care that I’m going to be swallowed up by the
blast once it goes off.