Tools of Ignorance: Lisa's Story (16 page)

Honesty

AFTER THE QUARTERFINAL win against Whickett High School that Wednesday, the Clarksonville school bus made its way through the mountains, and Lisa’s cell phone finally re-established a semi-decent signal in Tupper Lake. She called her mother back immediately.

When the Clarksonville school bus pulled into the high school parking lot at 11:30 that night, Lisa was still dazed by the bombshell her mother had dropped on her. After saying goodbye to her teammates, Lisa hopped into the passenger seat of the minivan.

“Hi, Mom.” Lisa shut the car door and hugged her mother.

“I’m so glad you won, honey.” Her mother pulled back from the hug and smiled a sad sort of smile.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Why now?”

Her mother sighed. “I wasn’t counting on this day coming for a few years yet.” She started the engine and backed out of the parking spot. “Apparently he’s getting married and wants to be open and honest with his fiancée. That includes meeting you, I guess.”

“Oh.” Lisa sat with her hands folded in her lap.

“Lisa, you don’t have to meet your father if you don’t—”

“Mom?” Lisa interrupted.

“Hmm?”

“Can we not call my bio dad my father?”

Her mother looked at her with sympathetic eyes. “Okay. You’re right. Let’s call him William then, okay?”

Lisa nodded. “What’s his last name?”

“Dowell.”

Lisa watched the houses go by in the darkness for a moment. She turned to face her mother. “Why’d he leave you, Mom? I mean you were so young and alone. You must have been so scared.”

“You know, I was scared at first, but I had Grandma and Grandpa. They were so supportive that I knew it would be okay. I didn’t start showing until after graduation, so that helped, too.”

“Did you ever think about,” Lisa looked down at her hands, “you know.”

“Having an abortion?”

“Yeah,” Lisa said quietly and looked up at her mother.

“Not for a second.” Her mother caught her gaze and smiled. She looked back to the road and both were quiet for a few minutes. Both she and her mother were pro-choice when it came to women making decisions about their own bodies, but she was relieved to hear that her mother hadn’t considered an abortion.

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Why did William leave you?”

Her mother sighed. “Well, when I told him I was pregnant he said he wasn’t ready to be a dad. We sat down with his parents and with Grandma and Grandpa and decided that I’d have the baby on my own. With my parents help, of course.”

“Didn’t that make you mad? That he had nothing to do with any of it?” Lisa couldn’t believe somebody would just leave like that.

“I was relieved, actually.”

“How come?”

“I didn’t want to marry him. I wasn’t in love with him anymore. We were heading for a break up when I realized I was pregnant with you.”

Lisa looked out the window. “Mom, I don’t know if I want to meet him.”

“You don’t have to decide right now, okay?”

Lisa nodded. “Okay.”

Her mother added, “But I think he’s coming from a sincere place now.”

“I have to think about it, Mom.”

A thousand different thoughts swirled around in her mind. What would she say to him? What would her real father think? How would Lynnie and Lawrence Jr., and Bridget react? Did he look so familiar because she saw herself in him?

“Mom, does Papa know William wants to meet me?”

Her mother shook her head. “I’m going to break it to him on Friday when you leave on the bus for Binghamton.”

Lisa felt an ache in her chest. The last thing she wanted to do was to hurt her father.

Her mother pulled the minivan up the driveway and turned off the engine. They went inside the house, and Lisa went straight to her room. She laughed when she saw Bridget sleeping soundly in the wrong bed. Apparently her little sister had been trying to wait up, but couldn’t stay awake. Lisa took a quick shower and then got in bed next to her sister. The pain she felt about possibly hurting her family subsided somewhat.

THE NEXT DAY, Lisa tried to stay upbeat and positive during her last day of classes and then later at practice. No one seemed to notice that she was preoccupied, thank goodness. After dinner, her mother let her skip her usual dish washing chore to get caught up on homework. After an hour and a half of homework, she’d had her fill and went outside to call Sam. Her mother didn’t make a fuss, because she must have known Lisa was bursting to talk to someone. Lisa strolled to the deserted playground trying to figure out what to say to Sam.

She jumped up on a swing. The distant street light was the only source of light in the darkness. A few bats flitted overhead diving for insects.

She slid open her phone and said, “Sam.”

Sam picked up on the other end almost instantly.

“Well, hi stranger,” Sam said, her voice happy.

“Hi.” Lisa pushed off the ground and let her feet dangle as she swung back and forth.

“I love this new cell phone of yours. I get to talk to you more. Are you ready for tomorrow’s big bus ride?”

“Um hmm.” Lisa’s chest tightened, and she started to cry into the phone.

“What’s wrong, baby? Are you okay?”

Lisa swallowed hard and choked out, “No.”

“Okay, I’m putting my shoes on and getting my car keys. I can be there in forty minutes.”

“Oh, no, Sam. I’ll be okay, really. I just didn’t know who else to talk to.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to drive out there?”

“I’ll be okay, I guess.”

“Well, if I were there I’d pull you into my arms right now.”

Lisa took a breath. “And I’d snuggle into you and lay my head on your shoulder.”

“And, then I’d start stroking your back. So, now that I’m holding you tight, tell me what’s wrong.”

Lisa’s face scrunched up again as she tried not to cry. It didn’t work. She knew Sam heard it.

Sam said softly, “And right now, I’m kissing your tears away.”

“Um hmm.” Lisa’s throat was still tight.

“Oh, Lisa, c’mon, what’s wrong? I know you’re not upset about the playoffs in Binghamton tomorrow.”

“No.”

“You’re not breaking up with me, are you?”

“Oh, no, Sam. I—” She had been about to say, “I love you,” but stopped herself. Instead she said, “Never.” She attempted a smile hoping Sam would hear it on the other end. “It’s nothing like that. I just…” God, where to start?

“What, baby?”

“I haven’t been completely honest with you.” Lisa pushed herself higher on the swing. “My father isn’t…” She took a big breath. “My father isn’t my father.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, my mom is my biological mom, but my father isn’t.”

“Oh,” Sam said with understanding. “Did you just find out?”

“No. My father married my mom when I was six. Lynnie, Lawrence Jr., and Bridget are all his. They don’t know that I’m not their full sister, though, and I don’t want them to ever find out.”

“Is that what’s got you so upset?” Lisa heard the sympathy in Sam’s voice.

“Partly.” Lisa felt her chest tighten again.

“Okay, and now I’m stroking your cheek. Ooh, maybe I should be kissing you.”

Lisa laughed. “Geez, what took you so long?”

Sam laughed. “There you go. That’s my Lisa. So what else has you upset?”

“Well, nobody knows that my father isn’t my father, except you now.”

“It’ll be our secret.”

“Thanks. He adopted me, you know.” As soon as she said that, everything came bubbling up to the surface, and she told Sam some of the things her mother had told her the night before. “I feel so stupid thinking my bio dad was some college scout.” She took a deep breath. “He wants to meet me.”

“Whoa. Why now?”

“He’s getting married and wants to be honest with his new wife or something. I’m not sure if I’m ready to meet him, though.”

“I don’t blame you.”

“I mean, I used to bug my mom about him all the time, but she kept telling me to stop thinking about him. When I wouldn’t let up, she’d say we shouldn’t make my father, my real father, I mean my…” Lisa groaned. She didn’t know what to call him.

“Lawrence Brown, Sr. is your real father, Lisa. He always will be.”

“I know. I guess maybe that’s why I’m so upset. I love my dad, and I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want Lynnie and Lawrence Jr. and Bridget to get confused, either. It’s such bad timing.”

“I just kissed the palm of your hand.”

Lisa smiled, “Thanks.”

“You know what?”

“What.”

“I think any time would be bad timing for something like this.”

“I guess.”

“Hey,” Sam said, her voice upbeat, “I’ve got an idea.”

“What?” Lisa put her feet out to stop the swing.

“You referred to William Dowell as your bio dad earlier, so why don’t we just call him your ‘bd,’ just to keep things straight.”

“My bd?” Lisa laughed. “Okay, but that’s the only straight thing I ever want to do.”

“Same.” Sam laughed.

Lisa’s heart swelled at the sound of Sam’s laugh. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Promise me we’ll always be honest with each other.”

“Absolutely.”

Lisa stood up, opened the gate to the playground, and headed toward home. The moonless night would have made her feel lonely, but Sam was her lifeline. “I want to know everything about you, Sam. I want to meet your parents and see your house. I want to meet your nanny, too.”

“Absolutely. When school’s out, I’ll pick you up and bring you to my house. We can spend the whole day out here. That way you can see and know everything about me.” There was something in Sam’s voice that Lisa couldn’t quite put her finger on. It almost sounded like resignation, like Sam didn’t really want Lisa to come over.

“Are you sure?” Lisa asked tentatively.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know,” Lisa said. She must have misread Sam’s tone. “Maybe Marlee could drop me off, so you wouldn’t have to come all the way out here to be my chauffeur.”

“I didn’t know Marlee had her license already.”

Lisa laughed. “Actually she doesn’t have it yet. She was supposed to get it on Monday, but we played Overton Corners that day, and since we keep winning, she can’t get out to the DMV in East Valley to take her test.”

“Bummer.”

Lisa paused for a second. “Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry I’m such a downer tonight. It doesn’t exactly set the mood, does it?”

“Lisa, everything doesn’t have to lead to me taking your clothes off. Even over the phone.” She laughed. “I mean, that part is amazing actually, but it’s only a small part of why I like being with you.”

“Really?”

“Of course, but right now I’m putting my arms around your neck and kissing you.”

“Mmm, that’s nice. I’m kissing you back.” Lisa felt a shiver as she imagined kissing Sam.

“Mmm.”

“I wish you were here, Sam.”

“Me, too.”

“I guess I’ll see you in Binghamton on Saturday.”

Sam laughed. “Oh, great. Now I’m a softball wife.”

“Could you imagine if we combined our teams? An East Valley and Clarksonville merge? We would be so awesome. Susie in left, you at second, me catching, and Marlee pitching.”

“Let’s do it this summer.”

“What d’ya mean?”

“Well,” Sam said, “Susie, Christy, and I play for a traveling team. Coach Gellar is always looking for good players. You guys should play with us.”

Lisa’s spirits lifted. “That’d be so cool. I’ll ask my Mom and Dad. Hey, maybe I can see you after church on Sunday. We can, uh, you know go for a drive and stuff.”

“Mmm, the ‘and stuff’ part sounds yummy.”

She paused on the front stoop. “Okay. I’ll text you tomorrow when we’re on the bus.”

“Goodnight, baby.”

“Goodnight.” Lisa wanted to add, “I love you,” but didn’t. She hung up her phone and smiled. It felt great to finally tell somebody about her bio dad, her bd. A great weight she hadn’t known she’d been carrying lessened slightly.

LISA PLOPPED DOWN on the bed in the Binghamton Oaks Motel and closed her eyes. She hadn’t slept well the night before worrying about meeting her bio dad. She tried to sleep for at least part of the four hour trip on the bus, but couldn’t pass up Julie’s and Marlee’s help with geometry.

She had just dozed off when Marlee threw a towel on her. “Lisa, c’mon. Coach wants us changed for practice and on the bus in five minutes.”

“Okay, Mom, I’m up.” Lisa sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“Oh, man. You look terrible.”

Lisa threw the towel back at Marlee. “Thanks a lot.”

Marlee laughed. “Did I wear you out exposing the secrets of geometry proofs to you?”

“No.” Lisa stood up and stretched. “I didn’t sleep well.” She didn’t elaborate, and Marlee didn’t ask. What would she have told Marlee, anyway? That her bio dad showed up out of the blue and wanted to get back in her life? She wasn’t ready to reveal that big secret to her friends yet, other than Sam.

“Hopefully, you’ll sleep better tonight.” Marlee grabbed her softball bag and headed toward the door. “I’m gonna head to the bus, okay?”

Lisa nodded. Once Marlee left, Lisa threw some cold water on her face and then changed into her practice clothes. She ran to the parking lot with her softball bag slung over her arm. Coach Spears gave her a stern look when she walked up late.

The Binghamton Softball Complex was a short five minute ride from the motel. Lisa was still in slow motion, so she and Marlee were the last ones to step off the bus.

Lisa whistled when she saw the meticulously groomed fields. “Maybe someday our field can look like that.”

“Pfft,” Marlee spat. “Not in our lifetime.”

“Yeah, what was I thinking?”

They walked up the pathway between fields one and four toward the concession stand at the geometric center of the complex.

Lisa’s stomach fluttered when she saw that a couple teams were already practicing. “I can’t believe we’re in the state playoffs.”

“I know. It’s surreal. Somebody needs to pinch me.” Marlee blew out a sigh.

Lisa laughed. “Nah, I don’t usually pinch people I like.”