Too Good to Be True: The Colossal Book of Urban Legends (49 page)

“The Good Times Virus”

DANGEROUS COMPUTER VIRUS 10:19 AM 5/3/95

PLEASE READ THE WARNING BELOW IF YOU USE THE INTERNET:

We were just been warned of a new computer virus that is being sent across the InterNet. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “Good Times” DO NOT READ THE MESSAGE - DELETE IT IMMEDIATELY!!!

Someone is sending e-mail under this title nation-wide. If you get anything like this, do not download the file! It has a virus that rewrites your hard drive, obliterating anything on it. What makes this virus so terrifying, according to the FCC, is that no program needs to be exchanged for a new computer to be infected. It can spread through the existing e-mail systems of the InterNet. One a computer is infected, one of several things can happen. If the computer contains a hard drive, that will most likely be destroyed. If the program is not stopped, the computer’s processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop - which can severely damage the processor if left running that way too long.

There is one sure means of detecting what is now known as the “Good Times” virus. It always travels to new computers the same way in a text e-mail with the subject line reading simply “Good Times”. Avoiding infection is easy once the file has been received - not reading it!

The act of loading the file into the mail server’s ASCII buffer causes the “Good Times” mainline program to initialize and execute. The program is highly intelligent - it will send copies of itself to everyone whose e-mail address is contained in a received-mail file or a sent-mail file, if it can find one. It will then proceed to trash the computer it is running on.

Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 11:06:57 -0400 (EDT)

To: [email protected], [and dozens of other addressees]

Subject: Fwd: Deadly canadian virus

Forwarded message:

NEW VIRUS WARNING

If you receive an e-mail with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous E-mail virus yet.

It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer. It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.

It will give your ex-wife your new phone number. It will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your beer and leave its dirty socks on the coffee table when there's company coming over. It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear only static while stuck in traffic.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend (husband/wife) behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.

Badtimes will give you Dutch Elm disease. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will refill your skim milk with whole. It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

The first example was an E-mail message printed out with the headers removed and found taped to a bulletin board in the Lake Washington School District in Kirkland/Redmond, Washington; Ross E. McCullough of Redmond sent it to me. The second example is a parody of “Good Times” that came to me via E-mail forwarded by a fellow folklorist. Parodies are a vital part of modern folklore, and other such computer virus parodies describe the “Bobbit Virus” (removes a vital part of your hard disk then reattaches it, but that part will never work again), the “Ted Turner Virus” (colorizes your monochrome monitor), and the “Adam and Eve Virus” (takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple), among many others. The
New York Times,
in an article by Peter H. Lewis published on February 27, 1996, described the “Good Times” warning as “sufficiently dweeby to impress even experienced computer users.” Lewis asserted that “the warning itself is infinitely loopy. And for the nth time, the Good Times Virus does not exist. It is a fraud, a cyburban legend.” I couldn’t have said it better myself. The “Computer Incident Advisory Capability” program of the U.S. Department of Energy has a Web site debunking this and several other virus warnings. See http://ciac.llnlgov/ciac/CIACHoaxes. The site is maintained by the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratory at the University of California, Berkeley.

“The Kidney Heist”

Dr. Brunvand,

I thought I’d send this along to you. I haven’t heard this one before, but I am sure you have.

Best.

Barry Karr

CSICOP/Skeptical Inquirer

<< Subj: Re: Kidney theft cartel legend

Date: 97-03-31 10:12:57 EST

From: madigan.

To: SkeptI.

I encountered this posting on a mailing service that goes out to about 1500 people. (I posted Alan Hale’s plea on that same service) Do you have anything I can use to respond to this popular legend?

Subject: This will Blow Your Mind, or Kidney! A big thanks, I think, to Michelle for bringing this to our attention. I heard this kind of story from Dr’s when I worked at St. Lukes and didn’t know what to make of it. Kidneys ARE expensive. So why not steal them like thieves steal possessions? The whole thing is quite do-able. -L

Dear Friends,

Although I’m skeptical of this story, let it not be said that I didn’t try to protect your organs…

I wish to warn you about a new crime ring that is targeting business travelers. This ring is well organized, well funded, has very skilled personnel, and is currently in most major cities and recently very active in New Orleans. The crime begins when a business traveler goes to a lounge for a drink at the end of the work day. A person in the bar walks up as they sit alone and offers to buy them a drink. The last thing the traveler remembers until they wake up in a hotel room bath tub, their body submerged to their neck in ice, is sipping that drink. There is a note taped to the wall instructing them not to move and to call 911. A phone is on a small table next to the bathtub for them to call. The business traveler calls 911 who have become quite familiar with this crime. The business traveler is instructed by the 911 operator to very slowly and carefully reach behind them and feel if there is a tube protruding from their lower back. The business traveler finds the tube and answers, “Yes.” The 911 operator tells them to remain still, having already sent paramedics to help. The operator knows that both of the business traveler’s kidneys have been harvested. This is not a scam or out of a science fiction novel, it is real.

Slug Signorino

It is documented and confirmed. If you travel or someone close to you travels, please be careful.

Regards,

Jerry Mayfield

Austin Ops Engineering Manager

Telephone: 512-433-6855

Subject: Body Part Criminal

Author: LES U.

Date: 1/2/97 11:06 AM

Just when you thought it was safe in the airports…. Hard to believe, but I got this from a reliable source at Corporate.

For any of you doing any traveling, beware.

From: Patty R. on 12/16/96 10:33 AM

Yes, this does happen. My sister-in-law works with a lady that this happened to her son’s neighbor who lives in Houston. The only “good” thing to this whole story is the fact that the people doing this horrible crime are very in tune to what complications can happen afterwards because of the details precautions they take the time to set up before leaving the room.

The word from my sister-in-law is that the hospital in Las Vegas (yes, Vegas) prior to transferring him back to Houston stated that these people know exactly what they are doing. The incision, etc. was exact and clean. They use sterile equipment etc. and the hospital stated that other than the fact that the victim loses a kidney there has not been any reports of other complications due to non-sterile, etc. tactics that were used.

From: Kathy W.

Sadly, this is very true. My husband is a Houston Firefighter/EMT and they have received alerts regarding this crime ring. It is to be taken very seriously. The daughter of a friend of a fellow firefighter had this happen to her. Skilled doctor’s are performing these crimes! (which, btw, have been highly noted in the Las Vegas area)