Tony: Alvarez Security Series (11 page)

“I tried. I tried so fucking hard to keep her clean and out of trouble but…well, by the time Charisse was eighteen our foster family booted her out and even though I wasn’t like her I think they just wanted me gone too.”

Leaning back against the leather chair, with her legs stretched out before her, she felt the warmth from the fire toasting her toes. Sighing as the wine warmed her as well, she looked up at him staring at her. “You asked about law school and I’ve been giving you a rendition of my life story. Pathetic, isn’t it?”

“Not at all. I’m sitting here, listening and admiring you more by the minute. Keep going. I want to know everything.”

Admiring me?
She sat silently for a moment, letting her thoughts flow back through time. “Eventually Charisse got into more and more trouble. She got a job at Club Edge and began stripping. Then she caught the eye of a gang leader. I tried so hard to run interference for her. I was out of high school by this time and the state will assist for college costs if you were in foster care. My last family agreed to have me stay with them on the condition that Charisse never came there again.”

“That must have been hard,” he said.

“They had little children, so I got it. I was never going to be able to afford a full university and law school after that, so I decided that if I could get my paralegal degree then I could start making money. I’d been working as a cocktail waitress…well you know the rest of that story. I had to finally make a choice between keeping Charisse out of trouble or having my own life. I guess she saw it as the ultimate betrayal and sold me to the gang leader. And that’s when you rescued me the first time.”

Tony smiled at her, nodding. “Yeah, that was my lucky day.”

Lifting an eyebrow in question, she decided not to pursue that statement as they sat in silence once more, each lost in their own thoughts.

“It’s not your fault, you know?” he spoke softly, watching the light play off of her beautiful features.

“Intellectually, I know that. I gave her an ultimatum a year ago. If she was going to continue to have a relationship with me she had to get clean and I’d help her any way I could. If not…” she let the statement hang out there.

“You did more for her than anyone else did and that includes your parents.”

“Yeah, that’s for sure. But when someone is an addict, it’s so hard to know when to pull them along and when to step back.” She gave a little shrug. “I wish…oh, hell. Wishing won’t help now. But I do miss the Charisse of old. The one who would hold my hand during a thunderstorm. Or would read to me when mama wouldn’t. Or who taught me to ride a bike. That’s the sister I miss.”

“Then that’s the sister you should remember.”

Her eyes sought his at this statement.

His hand cupped her cheek, willing his touch to soothe. “Remember the sister that did all the right things. The sister that fills your memories with smiles. And let go of the part that hurts your heart.”

“What about you, Tony? Do you let go of the part that hurts your heart?” she asked softly.

Silence was the only answer.

S
tanding, Sherrie picked
up her wine glass and walked to the kitchen. Rinsing the glass out, she put the cork back in the bottle and placed it in the refrigerator. It had felt so good to talk about Charisse. To let go of the guilt and allow grief to progress normally.
Tony did that for me. But he can’t do it for himself.

She saw the look on his face when she asked if he let go of the past and knew what the answer was. He had been closed off for so many years she wondered if he even knew how to start living again. Heaving a huge sigh, she left the kitchen and stood for a moment watching him stare into the flames. She could see why he was good on missions…she could not even see movement from his breathing. But she knew he was breathing. And thinking. And hurting.

“Goodnight, Tony,” she said softly, almost afraid to speak and disturb his thoughts. “I hope you sleep well.” With that she turned and walked to the bathroom. Finishing in there, she moved into the bedroom. Slipping into her pajamas, she stood at the dresser brushing her long hair, exhaustion beginning to overtake her.

“I was married,” came the deep voice from the doorway.

Her gaze saw him in the mirror as her hand halted the progress of the brush. She stood frozen, eyes locked on the reflection. Indecision was written on his face and she was afraid to speak. Afraid to break the spell he had woven around himself.

“I was overseas. Special Forces. I got to come back between missions when she went into labor. Made it just for the last few hours before our baby was born.”

Silence.

She slowly lay the brush down and turned to face him, no longer wanting to see him only through the mirror.

“We had a baby girl. Named her Sofia. After my grandmother.” Another flash of pain crossed his face. “So fuckin’ perfect. So tiny. Never been around babies, so I had no idea how she’d fit in my hand.”

He shuffled his feet momentarily as though the memory caused physical discomfort. She wanted to offer that they sit down, but was afraid to interrupt the moment.

“Spent a week at home. A week with my wife and baby.” He rubbed his hand over his face and continued, “Went back and celebrated with the men.”

His eyes sought hers, gauging how much she wanted to hear. She had no idea what expression was on her face but she wanted everything. She wanted him to give her everything. All of his pain. All of his memories.

“Had a mission and when I came back, I was called into the office with the news. Car accident. No one’s fault. Just a fuckin’ car accident. And they were both gone.”

“Oh, Tony,” she whispered, her heart aching for him. She wanted to go to him. Touch him. Hold him. But she held back, not knowing what he needed.

“All my men came back stateside with me. Made arrangements. Had the funeral. Helped with everything. Then…we went back to Afghanistan. My life here was over and my country still needed me.”

“Your men followed you when you left the Army, didn’t they?” she asked.

“Yeah. Most of us were discharged within six months of each other and some of them followed me back and joined my company.”

She walked over slowly until she was standing right in front of him. Reaching down, she took his hand, holding it tenderly. Raising her head, she saw a single tear slide down his cheek and she lifted her other hand to gently wipe it away.

“So this is me, telling you, that no…I haven’t let go of the past that constantly hurts my heart.”

She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, letting him know that she was still there…
even if he can never be mine.

This time, he squeezed back and her eyes sought his again. “But I want to,” came the simple words from his heart.

He saw the questioning expression wrinkle her brow and with his free hand, reached up to smooth the lines.

“What I’m saying, Sherrie, is that I want to remember the good times and learn to let go of the hurt. For so long I didn’t want that. They were gone, my little girl would never grow up,” he choked out. Clearing his throat, he continued, “So I wanted to be miserable too. I wrapped my grief around me like a blanket. As long as it was with me, surrounding me, they’d be with me. But the reality is that they aren’t with me.” Sighing deeply, he continued, “But now…I don’t. I don’t want to be miserable.”

“Maybe,” she said softly, “We can help each other.” She added hesitantly, “Even just as friends, if that’s what you need.”

A tiny smile appeared on his face as he pulled her a little closer. “Sherrie, you’re the only woman I’ve ever been interested in since…Marla. I’ve tried so hard to not be attracted to you. To not want you. Hell, to not like you. But I’m tired of fighting the feelings I have.”

By now, he had slowly pulled her closer so that his arms wrapped around her body. He rested his head on the top of hers, noting how perfectly she fit. Heartbeat to heartbeat, they just stood in a doorway of a cabin in the middle of snow covered woods…grieving and letting go, together. He letting go of his fear of loving again and she letting go of her insecurities.

She knew it would take time,
but if he’s willing, then so am I.
Sherrie had no idea how long they stood there, but she felt him gently push her away.

“Darlin’, I’m sorry. You’re standing here in bare feet and your pjs. You need to get in bed and get warm.”

She eyed the big, comfortable bed, thinking of lying in it with him. Comfort. Warmth. Caring. Leaning back, she asked, “Will you come to bed with me?”

He smiled, answering, “As much as I would love crawling into bed with you, I want to do this right. And jumping into bed with you just because we gave in yesterday, isn’t what I want to do.”

“What do you want to do?”

“Well, what I want is to take you to bed, make love to you and worship your body all night.”

She blinked her large, blue eyes slowly not having a response to that.

He chuckled, glad that she was innocent enough to not have a practiced comment to fling back. “But I don’t want sex to be what we do to forget when we’ve just had the conversations like we’ve had.”

Nodding, she agreed. As he turned and started to walk away, she quickly said, “So just come and sleep. Hold me as we let it go.” Looking at the mattress, she added, “And the mattress is much more comfortable than the sofa.”

She let go of him and walked over to the bed, turning down the covers. He looked at her ass as she bent over the bed. For the first time he really noticed what she was wearing. Over the last year that he had dreamed of her, he pictured her in sexy nighties, barely there wisps of silk. But this? The material looked soft, warm, and comfortable. And utterly sexy.
How the fuck can she be covered and look sexy as hell?
He did not have an answer but knew that he could be happy seeing her in those pajamas every night for the rest of his life.
Happy?
Smiling, he felt lighter than he had in years.
Yeah, happy.

“I’ll be right back,” he promised and headed back out into the great room. Checking the doors, he banked the fire before he walked back into the bedroom. She was already under the covers, her blonde hair spread across the pillow and her beautiful face beaming at him. Quickly shucking his clothes, he slid under the covers with her.

Pulling her tightly into his embrace, feeling her warm breath against his skin, it only took a few minutes for him to slip into a peaceful sleep.
I’m ready to live again, even if there’is pain,
was his last thought.

*

The next morning
Tony woke up to a warm body snuggled next to his. Answering the call of the wild, his cock was already twitching and eager to play.
Down boy, none of that now.
Determined to continue spending time with Sherrie that did not involve ravishing her again, he willed his dick to obey.

The warm body rolled over, spearing him with her brilliant, blue eyes. “Good morning,” she said shyly, snuggling deeper into him. “This is nice. I’ve never woken up with someone before.”

His heart pounding, he could not help the macho realization that he was her first. Her first in everything. Cupping her cheek, he kissed her with all the tenderness he felt inside.

Smiling, she pushed the covers off and felt the chill of the room. “Ohhh,” she exclaimed as her bare feet hit the floor. She hustled to grab her jeans and sweatshirt before running into the bathroom.

A few minutes later she emerged, dressed warmly, announcing that she was fixing breakfast.

He lay in bed a few extra moments, not able to remember when he was this relaxed. Or lighthearted. Smiling, he jumped up as well and after taking care of his morning business he made his way into the living room to get the fire going again.

“How’s the firewood holding out?” she called from the kitchen.

He wandered in to help saying, “We should be good for a while.”

“Tony?” she said, turning from the stove. “How long do you think we’ll be stuck here?”

He rubbed the back of his neck, saying, “Don’t know, darlin’. I figure they’ll get the road plowed today or tomorrow. The problem is this long-ass driveway. I’ll try getting hold of someone from VDOT and see if we can get a plow to get us out of here.”

Nodding, she set plates on the table and they dug into the hearty, warm food. After cleaning up, he asked, “You wanna go outside and see what’s around?”

Her smile lit her face as she glanced out of the windows to the glistening clearing and woods around. “I’d love to,” she agreed.

Soon, they were layered in clothing, wrapped up like Eskimos, and tromping through the snow. Just like the day before, the sun shone brightly in a perfectly blue sky and they needed their sunglasses to ward off the snow blindness. There was more than a foot of snow on the ground, with drifts up to Sherrie’s knees in some places. Tony held tightly to her hand as they walked across the clearing toward the woods near the back of the cabin. During the storm they had not been able to see the small lake that was there. Ice covered the water for a ways from the shore, creating the perfect Norman Rockwell scene.