To Love and to Cherish (21 page)

If he used Laurie's money, which he was certain he would get, he wouldn't have the money to give Steve and the men the kind of stake for the future they deserved. He certainly wouldn't be in a position to marry. If he decided not to use Laurie's money, he had no assurance that Norman would grant the loan. He wouldn't put it past Norman to be using the loan as bait to get Jared to fire Laurie, then refuse to give Jared the money.

He could justify that if he was certain of the loan. It would be a difficult decision, but it would be a business decision. Laurie wouldn't like it.
He
wouldn't like it. Steve and the men would hate it, but everybody would understand.

He hoped.

Colby came out of the mercantile and was coming in his direction. Jared had a sudden thought. He walked to meet Colby.

“I can see from the look in your eyes that you're going to try again to convince me that we're brothers.”

“I wish I could, but I know you're set against it.”

“I'm not set against it. I just don't see any point in thinking about something that neither one of us can prove.”

“What if we could?”

“If you had incontrovertible proof, I'd be happy to welcome you as one of my brothers. I've always wanted to know what happened to them, but that kind of proof doesn't exist.”

“How do you know?” Jared tried again. “What did your parents tell you?”

“They wanted me to think of them as my only parents so it was best I forget about my real family.”

“Do you still know where your adoptive parents live?”

“Yes.”

“Would you write them and ask if they have anything, or know anything, that could be used to prove we're brothers?”

“This means a lot to you, doesn't it?”

“I thought it meant a lot to you.”

“It did until I married Naomi and got a family of my own.” Colby was silent for a moment. “It would be hard at this point in my life to learn to feel like a brother to you or anyone else. We have none of the years together, none of the shared experiences to build on. It would be like trying to become best friends when we might not have been friends at all.”

“I've thought about this a lot. I understand the difficulties, but it's something I can't forget. Despite having Steve, I feel like I'm missing my family. I know this is an imposition, but would you write your family and ask?”

Colby hesitated so long Jared thought he was going to refuse.

“Okay, I'll do it, but I doubt they'll answer. I've had no communication with them since I ran away fifteen years ago. As far as I know, they never tried to find me.”

“Thank you. If you don't get a reply, I promise I won't bother you with this again.”

Colby's mouth twisted. “I don't believe a word of that. You'll discover we have the same ears or our big toes turn in the same direction, and you'll take that as incontrovertible proof.”

Jared laughed. “No, but I might think your sense of humor is. My father always said I wasn't serious enough.”

“That's not what I hear. Now I hate to be rude, but I've got eight oxen waiting impatiently to exhaust themselves hauling timber down from the rim.”

As he watched Colby walk away, an idea came to Jared. Colby was much too capable to spend the rest of his life hauling goods up and down the valley. The territory needed a marshal, and Jared still had some good contacts in the army. He would write and ask if they would give that job to Colby. With his knowledge of the territory and his relationship with the people in the area, he would be a perfect choice. Colby may not accept that they were brothers, but Jared was sure they were. What man wouldn't do something like this for his little brother?

***

Jared couldn't seem to get away from the questions that bedeviled him: Should he fire Laurie and hope Norman would give him the loan? Should he reject Laurie's offer for a partnership and try to make it with longhorns? Or should he keep Laurie's money and accept that he'd never have the kind of financial success he'd hoped? He had no one to blame but himself for getting into this situation. If he hadn't been so stunned by Laurie and the thought of having her around all the time, he would have stopped long enough to sit down and run the numbers.

The men had tried to tell him, but he'd been so excited about getting the herd—and spilling over with lust for Laurie—that he'd ignored their warnings. Now he'd put them and himself in a difficult position. Knowing what he knew, it wasn't going to be easy to face Laurie and the men over the supper table, but he was so late he wouldn't have time to come up with a strategy. He hoped he would be able to make them believe all was well.

Everyone was at the table when he entered the kitchen.

“Where have you been?” Steve asked. “I tried to get Miss Laurie to hold supper for you, but she said you knew what time she had to leave.”

Without a word, Laurie got up and moved to fix a plate for Jared. He was relieved she didn't seem upset with him.

“She was right not to wait,” he told Steve. “I got to talking with Colby and lost track of time.”

“Did you convince him that he might be your brother?”

“No, but he did agree to write his parents to ask if they have anything that might help us decide one way or the other.”

“I don't see why you care,” Loomis said. “You don't know him. You might not even like him once you do.”

“I've got four brothers,” Nick offered. “You won't like them, but you can have any one of them you want.”

Jared accepted the plate Laurie handed him and took his place at the table.

“What do you think Colby's parents might be able to tell him?” Laurie asked when she was seated again.

“I don't know, but anything would be more than we have now.”

“I'm surprised Colby agreed to write that letter. He hasn't had contact with his parents since he ran away.”

“What did you do to this ham?” Uninterested in whether or not Colby could be Jared's brother, Odell was savoring the ham like it was manna from heaven. “I've never tasted anything like it.”

“Is something wrong with it?” Laurie asked.

“It's wonderful.”

“Don't bother to ask how she cooked it,” Nick said. “You won't be able to make it taste the same.”

“I could try.”

“Not while Laurie is within a hundred miles of this place,” Loomis said. “She not only cooks a lot better than you, she looks a lot better, too.”

“Hell, I look better than Odell,” Nick said.

“Not so you would notice,” Clay told him.

This led to a general discussion of which man was the best looking. Steve said they ought to disqualify Jared because nobody could beat him. Nick and Clay objected to that and appealed to Laurie to decide the issue. She declined because she said she would have to rule in favor of her boss, or he might fire her.

“We wouldn't let him do anything that crazy,” Loomis insisted.

“He wouldn't anyway,” Steve said. “He likes her.”

“Not as much as I do,” Nick declared. “In Sicily, she would be declared as beautiful as a Greek goddess.”

“How would you know?” Jared demanded irritably. “I doubt you've ever been to Sicily.”

“I was conceived in Sicily,” Nick said. “It is in my blood.”

Jared didn't share in the laughter that greeted Nick's assertion.

“I think you're all very handsome,” Laurie stated.

“Not Odell,” Steve insisted. “Even his horse doesn't like him.”

More laughter only succeeded in exacerbating Jared's temper. It was bad enough that they stared at Laurie like bug-eyed youths with their tongues hanging out. They didn't have to be so silly about it. And why was Laurie laughing and smiling at them? Didn't she know that only encouraged their foolishness? They were grown men who ought to know better. They didn't see him hanging on Laurie's every word and gesture like a lovesick puppy.

“I bet you're the most beautiful woman in the Arizona Territory,” Steve said.

“That goes without saying,” Loomis said. “You can include all the land west of the Mississippi.”

“Why not include the whole country?” Jared wanted to know. “No need to stop there. Make it Europe, too, maybe even the whole world.”

“Don't you think Miss Laurie's beautiful?” Steve asked his uncle.

“Of course I do. I'm not blind, but it's got to be embarrassing to her to have all of you gushing over her.”

Loomis turned to Laurie. “Are we embarrassing you?”

She laughed lightly. “Not at all. I enjoy seeing all of you laugh and have fun. It's probably a sign of poor character in me, but I even like being told I'm attractive.”

“None of us would ever be guilty of using such a poor word as ‘attractive' when talking about you,” Loomis said.

Jared wanted to smash his fist into Loomis's face and wipe away that besotted look. It was one thing to be appreciative of a woman's beauty. It was another to understand the proper ways to express it.

“I've always said she was beautiful,” Steve informed everyone. “I'll keep saying it until I find a word that says even more than that.”

“‘Pretty' would be quite enough,” Laurie said.

“Pretty is for girls,” Loomis said.

“It's obvious Laurie is no longer a girl,” Nick said.

Jared was sure he would have indigestion if he listened to another word. He thought Laurie was beautiful—he'd told her so many times he now felt embarrassed remembering it—but he hadn't done it in this overly saccharine manner. Nick tried to act like he was a Sicilian noble, and Steve was only a kid, but Loomis should know better.

“The way you boys talk, Laurie might think you wanted to marry her.”

“I would marry her if she would live in the bunkhouse,” Nick said.

“None of us has enough money to buy more than a tent,” Loomis explained.

“Miss Laurie has a house,” Steve reminded them. “You could live there.”

“A man likes to think he can provide a house for his wife,” Jared said. “Not the other way around.”

“What's wrong with a wife having more money than her husband?” Laurie asked. “Why would you condemn every woman of means to spinsterhood?”

Another problem Jared hadn't thought of until now. Not only would Laurie own more of the ranch than he would, but she had inherited her husband's estate. Norman was the richest man in Cactus Corner. It was doubtful his brother had been far behind. “I don't mean that a rich woman should never marry. I just mean that a man likes to think he can provide for his wife and children.”

“But they would be her children as well. Shouldn't she be allowed to contribute to their support?”

Jared could feel himself sinking deeper and deeper into the hole he'd dug for himself. “A wife contributes by taking care of them and feeding them. According to my mother, that was more than enough for any woman.”

“In Sicily, there is no such thing as a wealthy woman,” Nick said. “Before she marries, the money belongs to her father. After she marries, it belongs to her husband. A man never has to feel dependent on his wife.”

“I wasn't talking about a man depending on his wife,” Laurie said. “I was talking about sharing.”

“There is no sharing in Sicily.”

“I'm glad I don't live in Sicily.”

“But you would be a goddess there. Men would fight duels over you.”

“I'd rather be a mortal and keep my money.”

“I wouldn't care if my wife was rich,” Steve said. “Would you care if your husband was poor?” he asked Laurie.

“I haven't given it any thought because I'm never going to marry again.”

The men stared at Laurie in shock.

“Why not?”

“Never?”

“That would be a terrible shame,” Loomis said.

“I'm not sure about that,” Laurie told Loomis, “but I am sure I won't marry again. My father and husband controlled me in life, and now Noah's trying to control me from the grave. I'll never put myself in that position again.”

The men engaged in a lively attempt to convince Laurie to change her mind, and Jared was surprised he didn't join in immediately. He intended to marry someday so why not consider Laurie? They weren't in love with each other, but he liked her, she liked him, and he certainly wouldn't find a more beautiful woman. She was an excellent cook and housekeeper, the men liked her, and she seemed happy working at the ranch.

He knew why not. With her money and looks, she could attract the attention of rich and powerful men. Why should she settle for a husband like Jared and a life of hard work?

But if she'd wanted to do that, why hadn't she moved to Tucson or even San Francisco? With all the gold discovered in northern California, the city would be flush with wealthy men looking for beautiful brides. She could end up living in a mansion with a dozen servants and a husband wealthy enough to buy thousands of Herefords rather than the few hundred he hoped to buy.

Would he want to marry Laurie if money wasn't an issue?

He didn't know. He hadn't seriously been thinking of marriage to anyone. He'd been too involved with his career in the army, trying to find his brothers, taking care of Steve after the death of his parents, and looking for a ranch that could support the two of them while providing his friends with the money to build lives of their own. The appearance of a woman like Laurie hadn't been in his plans any more than marriage had.

How could he marry a woman with more money than he could hope to have? People would believe he married her for her money. But that wasn't the worst of it. How would he feel knowing
she
was supporting
him
rather than the other way around? Would other men respect him? Could he respect himself? Since it was her money holding up the ranch, would she believe she ought to make all the business decisions? Could he endure that? Would the men continue to work for him? He hadn't been in the West very long, but he knew that Westerners believed a man had to be in control of his life or he wasn't a man. It hadn't been any different in Texas.

It looked like this was one thing he wouldn't have to worry about. None of the arguments the men advanced had succeeded in changing Laurie's mind.

“I think you'd make a charming husband,” she said to Clay. “Odell would be steady, Nick would flirt outrageously without meaning a word of it, and Loomis would be as fine a husband as any woman could want, but I'm still not going to marry again.”

“What about me and Jared?” Steve wanted to know.

Laurie tickled Steve under his chin, which caused the boy to blush vividly. “You're so sweet you'd do anything I asked.”

“What about Jared?”

Laurie directed her gaze to Jared. She sat considering her answer for so long Steve grew impatient.

“Don't you like Jared?”

“You asked what kind of husband I thought he would be, not whether I liked him.”

“Am I so terrible you have to ponder your answer for so long?” Jared asked.

“You're more complex,” Laurie told him. “You have grand ambitions and are certain you know how to accomplish them, but you have to be the creator of your own destiny. At the end of the day, you want to be able to stand back and say
I
accomplished that, not
we.
You've seen what life has done to other people, and you're determined not to let it happen to you and Steve.” Her gaze narrowed. “You don't intend to let anyone stand in your way.”

Jared was shocked that Laurie understood him so well when he hardly knew anything about her.

Loomis looked from Laurie to Jared and back to Laurie. “A shrewd analysis. You're a dangerous woman.”

Laurie shrugged. “I only see what everyone else sees.”

“Yes, but you're able to see beyond that. Be careful. Some people won't forgive you for seeing what they can't see and wouldn't admit if they could.”

“I'm a woman. Nobody ever asks what I think.” Laurie stood. “It's time for me to go home,” she said to Steve. “I'll put away the food while you bring the buggy.”

Conversation lagged before turning to the work needing to be done tomorrow, but Jared couldn't forget what Laurie had said. Did he want to be the sole architect of his success? If so, did that mean he wanted a wife who would depend on him in every way, or did he want a wife who was a partner and companion, someone he would see as an equal?

Much to his shock, he didn't know. Without really thinking about it, he'd assumed his wife would be much like his mother, his sister-in-law, all the women he'd known growing up. He'd never had any reason to question that, probably because he'd never bothered to think about it. Laurie might not be interested in marrying, but the question of whether he would marry a woman like Laurie had made it clear he had to reevaluate his thinking. Or start
really
thinking for the first time.

And he'd better start doing it soon. If he had to be married, or at least in the process of getting married, to get the loan from Norman, he had to decide what kind of wife he wanted and start looking for candidates. He was reasonably good-looking and part owner of a ranch, but there were other men who were equally attractive as potential husbands. No woman was going to marry him just because he asked.

He hadn't worked everything out in his mind, but he knew he wanted more than a wife who would agree with everything he said, who had no opinions of her own, and who didn't
want
any. He wanted his wife to be young, innocent, and attractive. But even that wasn't enough. He'd never been in love so he didn't know how that would fit into the equation—his parents hadn't been in love with each other and his brother had married his best friend—but he wanted the kind of closeness he felt with Laurie, the give and take, the sharing.

There was something very natural about the relationship between them. It was easy, comfortable, and enjoyable. He also wanted a woman of firm character. He was haunted by the specter of his mother who had dwindled into little more than a kept woman after his father died, sleeping with any man who would take care of her. He also needed someone who wouldn't balk at hard work or the roughness of ranch life yet was intelligent enough to be a companion rather than a drudge. He wanted someone like himself.

How was he supposed to find such a woman in the short time left before he had to decide whether to accept Laurie's money, gamble on Norman granting the loan, or go it alone?

***

Laurie felt guilty for not having finished the cleaning, but not enough to leave Jared's embrace. He would have to go back to work soon, so she wanted to take advantage of every possible minute. This was the second time they'd made love—she didn't count the time they were interrupted by Steve's return—but it was unlike the first because this time she'd been able to approach it, knowing what to expect and how to enjoy it to the fullest.

As much as she loved it when Jared made love to her, she enjoyed being cuddled even more. It gave her the feeling of closeness, belonging, being valued, that she'd missed most of her life. She burrowed into Jared's embrace, getting as close to him as physically possible. The thought of Norman's reaction if he could see her now surprised a chuckle out of her.

“What's so funny?” Jared asked.

“Nothing. Just a silly thought.”

“Not about me, I hope.”

She kissed him on the end of his nose. “Certainly not about you. I have only wonderful thoughts where you're concerned.”

Jared pulled her closer. “I have impossible thoughts about you. How it's impossible to stop thinking about you even for a few moments. How it's impossible to stop wanting to make love to you. How it's impossible to imagine holding a more beautiful woman in my arms.”

“You've got to stop telling me I'm beautiful.”

“Why?”

“I'll start to believe it. It's nearly impossible to admire a woman who's impressed with her own looks. Only Cassie has managed it.”

“Cassie is pretty. You're beautiful. It's not the same.”

“Nevertheless, I'd rather you tell me about the ranch. When are you going to show me around? Since I'll own half of it, I ought to know how to run it as well as you.”

Laurie felt Jared stiffen, but she'd expected that. She didn't know anyone except Colby who was willing to accept a woman as an equal partner, and he'd fought against it in the beginning. She expected Jared would be even more reluctant, but she wasn't going to back down. Making love to him was pleasure. Being partners in the ranch was business, and she didn't intend to confuse the two.

“It would take several days just to give you an idea of what we do. Like I told Norman, you would have to spend the whole day in the saddle.”

“I don't have to see everything at once. Besides, I can't cook supper if I'm gone all day. I can take a couple of hours one day and you can show me one of the things you do. Then I'll take a couple of hours another day and you can show me something else.”

“You don't know how to ride. There are lots of places you can't take the buggy.”

“Then I'll learn to ride. Colby bought Naomi a sidesaddle. I'm sure she'll let me borrow it.”

Apparently Jared had lost all desire to cuddle. He pulled away and sat up. “We're not doing much right now beyond taking a count and making sure all the herd survived the blizzard and the flood. That's not a situation that's likely to occur again anytime soon.”

Laurie wasn't ready to give up. “I don't want to see everything you do right away, but I have no idea what it's like to spend the day on a horse or where to look for cows and what to do when I find them. I've spent my life inside a house or inside a store. I think it would be wonderful to spend time in the fresh air, under a clear sky with the cool breeze on my face and the scent of flowers in the air.”

“It's not nearly that romantic.” Jared sounded grumpy.

“Neither is cleaning house and cooking meals, but you seem to think it's important.”

“I don't have a horse that would be safe for you to ride.”

“I can borrow Naomi's when I borrow the saddle.”

Jared got out of the bed and reached for his clothes. “Won't she need it?”

“I doubt she'll be riding until after the baby's born.”

Jared stepped into his pants and reached for his shirt. “It will be a little awkward to explain to the men.”

“I'll have a half ownership in the ranch. Surely they expect me to want to know what's going on.”

Jared sat to put on his socks and pull on his boots. “That's what makes it awkward. I don't have the money yet so technically you
aren't
a partner yet.”

Laurie was beginning to feel irritated. “If they can put up with Norman riding all over the ranch, being rude and asking stupid questions, they can put up with me watching them while they work. I won't get in their way.”

Finished dressing, Jared stood. “I think it would be best to start with a ride over the ranch to familiarize you with the herd and the limits of our range. Not all of the range is by the river. The cattle forage in the canyons and sometimes on the top of the rim.”

“I would love to see the valley from the rim. Colby says it's a beautiful sight.”

“He's right. The pine forest is wonderfully cool in the summer. It would be a great place for a summer picnic.”

“I would like that.”

Jared bent over to kiss her. “I'd better be going. I don't want the men wondering why I'm so late joining them. We'll talk about this later. But before we go anywhere, I have to make sure you will be safe on that horse and using a sidesaddle. Some of the trails are treacherous.”

“Naomi stayed on a runaway horse using a sidesaddle the first time she was on a horse. I feel sure I can stay in the saddle at a walk regardless of how treacherous the trail.”

Jared's smile was strained. “I'm sure you can. Now I'd better go.” He kissed her again, then left the room.

Laurie didn't move right away. There was a lot going on that she had to think about, and she didn't want to be distracted by work. The cleaning could wait until tomorrow, and she would have plenty of time to fix supper later.

She had expected Jared to resist showing her the ranch and teaching her how it was run. Every man she'd ever met assumed women were good only for having children, doing housework, or selling in the shops. The
real
work required a man. She was willing to admit she couldn't fell a hundred-foot tree, drag it out of the forest to a sawmill, or lift a twenty-foot beam. She had no desire to shoe a horse or break a wild mustang to saddle, but she didn't consider either impossible.

She absolutely could understand profit and loss statements, plan a budget, and make orders. Noah had thought he'd done all the financial work for the mercantile, but she'd prepared the figures he used to reach the final decisions. She had done the same for payrolls, so she had no doubt she could understand the operation of the ranch as well as any man. However, she doubted she'd ever get a man to agree to that.

Yet that wasn't what disturbed her the most. She understood why Jared wanted to protect his sphere of importance. What worried her more was the effect Norman's offer to reconsider giving Jared a loan was having on him. She didn't have access to Jared's figures, but it was obvious that her fifty percent of the ranch would dramatically reduce his income, an income that had to be shared with Steve and the other men. That had to weigh heavily on him. It would for any man.