To Love and to Cherish (16 page)

That thought vanished almost before it was complete, for Jared had placed his hands under her buttocks and pressed her firmly against his arousal. The groan that tore from him seemed to come from the depths of his soul. In a series of quick movements, he removed her nightshirt and she lay naked before him.

She didn't know what to do. She'd imagined being in this position, but it had never happened.

“You don't have to be afraid. I won't hurt you.”

She hadn't realized her body was rigid. She attempted to relax, but between the cold and apprehensiveness, it was a nearly impossible task. Her mind's eye followed Jared's hand as it moved down and along her thigh, over and between, until it paused.

“Open for me.”

First she had to relax. Her body was as rigid as stone. She told herself there was nothing to fear. While Sibyl never spoke of what passed between her and Norman, Naomi made no secret that she enjoyed making love with Colby. Laurie was sure it would be as good for her with Jared, but she had to relax and let it happen.

She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on how wonderful it was to have a man love her body, to find it beautiful, to want to make love to her. She had wanted this for years, had been afraid it wouldn't happen. Now it was, and she would know what Naomi said was one of the most wonderful experiences of her life.

Gradually her body relaxed enough to allow Jared's fingers to enter her. Anxiety and discomfort caused her to tense and utter a tiny gasp, but Jared didn't pull back this time. Instead his finger moved deeper inside her and began to caress her with gentle, unhurried strokes. Gradually all feeling of discomfort left, taking with it any anxiety and giving way to wonder and expectation.

A kernel of heat started to grow and expand until it spread to her entire body. Rather than feel cold, her body seemed to radiate heat. Wave after wave swept over her, each hotter than the one before. A second finger penetrated her. Maybe a third—she didn't know—but it didn't matter. She was on fire and no longer able to remain motionless or silent. Her body moved from side to side as a series of increasingly loud moans escaped her. She hadn't expected this mixture of pleasure and discomfort. It was almost as though pain had become pleasure. Then Jared did something,
touched
something, that nearly lifted her off the bed.

She cried out, then reached down and gripped his shoulders so fiercely he grunted.

Before she had time to recover, he moved up and entered her.

A second later he pulled back with a startled oath.

Laurie's euphoria vanished like vapor into the air, and fear returned like a suffocating blanket. He felt the same way Noah did! He found her body offensive. She should have known not to believe everything he said.

“You're a virgin!”

“What?” She knew what it meant, but she didn't know how he knew.

“You never slept with your husband. Why?”

All hope that the last four years could be erased from her mind disappeared. There was no point in lying or telling half stories. “My husband never made love to me. He said it was because he found my body offensive. He said I was unfeminine and insisted I wear clothes that would disguise my body as much as possible.”

There was a moment of dead silence during which the last of Laurie's hopes died.

“Was the man insane? You're not only beautiful, you're the most feminine woman I've ever met. My God, there must have been something wrong with him. What did your parents say?”

“I never told them.”

Moving back to her side, Jared rolled up on his elbow and looked down at her. “Why not?”

“My father forced me to marry Noah because he was convinced I would get into trouble if I stayed single any longer.”

“And your mother allowed that?”

“She agreed.”

Jared took her in his arms, pulled her to him. “If I ever meet your father, I'll be tempted to knock him down. I have no doubt your looks caused many a man to think things he wouldn't put into words, but your character is too pure to be swayed.” He kissed her gently. “You're crying. Why?”

“When you pulled away, I was sure you felt like Noah.”

“There's not a man alive who could see you like Noah did. And I'm going to do everything in my power to prove that to you.”

It took a while to reach the previous emotional plane a second time, but now that Laurie was certain Jared truly believed she was beautiful, she was an eager and enthusiastic partner. It wasn't long before she was panting for breath.

“It may hurt a bit when I enter you, but it will be over quickly, never to happen again. Do you trust me?”

“I will always trust you.”

He rose above her and positioned himself at her entrance. He kissed her at the same moment he entered her. The pain was sharp but brief. He continued to kiss her as he moved within her. In moments she was caught up by the fire that was driving him. Rather than lie still, she rose to meet him, fell away, and rose again. She'd found what it was like to be with a man, and it was wonderful. Never again would she believe she was ugly. Never again would she cringe before a man's gaze. Jared thought she was beautiful. He desired her.

Finally sure of herself, she abandoned herself to the ecstasy that enveloped her.

***

Laurie couldn't sleep. She wasn't sure she'd be able to sleep ever again. So many conflicting thoughts clamored for attention. How could she justify having slept with a man who wasn't her husband? That was exactly what her father said he feared when he forced her to marry Noah. She didn't even have the excuse that they were in love. She didn't care what her father would think, but she did care what Naomi and Sibyl would think. They were more than cousins. They were her only real friends.

Despite what some might say, she was not a fallen woman. She was an adult, a woman free to make her own decisions. She'd accepted the attentions of a man she found attractive, a man who found her attractive. She didn't owe allegiance to anyone but herself. Moreover, she was willing to accept the consequences of her actions. So far the consequences had been far more wonderful than she could have imagined.

Maybe it was of vain of her to be so concerned about her looks, but Noah had made her feel so ugly it had been difficult for her to leave the house in those horrible dresses. The pitying looks of her cousins and the other women had made it worse. They insisted that she wasn't ugly, but the fact that most men did avoid looking at her gave undeniable credence to Noah's allegations.

She didn't have to believe that any longer. Jared found her so attractive he couldn't resist making love to her.

Her body still hummed with the aftermath of his attentions. He'd gone back to his bedroom a short while ago, but they'd made love again before he left. She hadn't thought anything could be so marvelous, so transforming as the night spent in Jared's arms.

She looked out the window. Although the lower portion of each pane was covered by snow, she could tell the ground was completely covered. But soon the sun would come out, and the snow would start to melt. Even if it was winter, this was a desert.

She would have to get up in a few minutes to start breakfast. She didn't know how she was going to face Jared, or how he would feel about facing her. She wasn't ashamed of what she'd done, but it could be awkward. Outside of finding her beautiful and wanting to make love to her, how did he feel about her? What were her feelings for him?

Other than feeling strongly attracted to him, she wasn't sure. She'd spent so many years trying not to feel anything, ignoring feelings she couldn't crush, it was hard to feel anything but fear and inadequacy. She liked Jared. He'd accepted her as a partner and had been kind to her. He showed concern for her safety as well as her reputation. He appreciated everything she did for him and the men. He'd come to her room tonight because he was worried she wasn't warm enough. She smiled to herself. She was certainly warm now. The glow she felt might never wear off.

The gray light of dawn filtered in at the window. The men would be up taking care of the horses and other livestock in preparation for a rough day in the saddle. They would need a big breakfast and plenty of hot coffee to fill their canteens. She threw back the covers and left the bed. The floor was so cold it was like stepping on ice. She hurried to put on her clothes. She wouldn't be warm until she got the fire going in the kitchen.

***

Laurie had been a virgin.

The phrase kept drumming in Jared's head. He'd never deflowered a woman. Not even his first partner had been a virgin. Despite anything he said to himself, a feeling of guilt rode him hard. He hadn't forced Laurie. She'd been a willing and enthusiastic partner. She hadn't asked him to go back to his own bed. She'd been content to snuggle in his embrace. So why did he feel so guilty?

Did he feel he was supposed to protect her, that because she was his partner and was working in his home, he should have protected her from men like himself? It hadn't been her choice to spend the night at the ranch. Had he taken advantage of the snowstorm to do what he'd been dreaming of doing since the first time she came to his ranch? Could any man have resisted making love to such a beautiful and desirable woman once he knew she was willing? Had he done anything to make it difficult for her to send him away?

He might find the answers soon, but he wouldn't find them now. He could make better use of his time by getting this load of firewood to the kitchen.

He'd risen before dawn and dressed in a room lit by a single candle. Snow had drifted up to three feet against the door that led from the kitchen to the bunkhouse. It was nearly a foot deep in the wind-swept area in between. He was glad the woodshed was against the side of the house. Even at that, he'd had to shovel through a deep snowdrift before he could get to the wood. Loaded with all he could carry, he headed for the kitchen. He intended to get the stove going before Laurie got up. He had dumped his armload into the wood box and was knocking the snow from his boots when Laurie entered the kitchen.

For a moment they froze, each staring at the other. Laurie was the first to speak.

“Thanks for bringing the extra wood. That will give it time to dry before I need to use it.” She picked up the ash bucket and began to remove the ashes from the stove.

“I can do that,” Jared volunteered.

Laurie didn't look up from her work. “It'll be enough if you empty the bucket for me.”

“You'll need more wood.”

“No need to get it now.”

“All of us will be in the saddle most of the day. I don't want you to run out before we get back.”

“The sun will come out and warm things up. It never stays cold here, even in the winter.”

“I don't know what usually happens, but that sky looks like the bottom of a lead pan, and the snow is so powdery it blows around like sawdust.”

Laurie finished emptying the ashes and handed him the bucket. “It has to melt. I have to go home tonight.”

“I'll check the trails when we're out today, but it looks too deep.”

“I
have
to go back to town.”

Jared was about to go back outside, but he turned back to Laurie. “Are you afraid to stay here?”

She didn't answer.

“I mean after last night. Are you afraid of me?” There, he'd said it. Now neither of them could avoid talking about it.

Laurie turned from where she'd been opening a drawer to get the matches. “I've never been afraid of you, not even after last night. I have to go home because everyone will be worried about me. I know Norman will think the worst, but so will some of the others.”

“So it's just your reputation? You would feel comfortable staying here if it weren't for that?”

Laurie's gaze met his and held. “I'm not ashamed of anything I've done, but I don't want to make staying here a habit. It wouldn't be good for me, and it wouldn't be good for the men. It would cause needless speculation.”

What she said made sense, but it irritated Jared. Didn't she think he could control himself? She was a beautiful, desirable woman, but that didn't mean he couldn't stay away from her. Then again, maybe she was right. After last night, it would be even more difficult to corral his need for her. “I'll check the trails, but right now it looks pretty bad.”

The kitchen door opened, and Steve dashed in and slammed it behind him. “It's colder than hell out there.”

“Hell's supposed to be hot,” Jared said.

“Whatever. Hurry up with that fire,” Steve said to Laurie. He was more interested in getting warm than arguing over a theoretical point.

“Didn't you have a fire in the bunkhouse?” Jared asked.

“Of course we do, but every water trough is frozen solid. The boys have to melt snow so they can water the horses.”

“The fire's going,” Laurie said, “but it'll take a while before the water's hot enough for coffee.”

“Have you finished with the livestock?” Jared asked Steve.

“No.”

“Then why aren't you helping them?”

“Clay sent me in to ask when breakfast would be ready. He said his Cajun blood was about to freeze in his veins. He wants enough pepper in his eggs to cause steam to come out of his ears.”

“He better hope the eggs haven't frozen,” Laurie said. “Or the water and the rest of the food in the larder. Otherwise, he won't get anything but coffee until tonight.”

Steve panicked. “Don't make me go back out there and tell them that. Odell is as bad as Clay.”

Laurie went into the pantry. Jared could hear her rustling around inside.

“What's she doing?” Steve asked.

“We'll find out when she comes out,” Jared told him.

Laurie emerged with a basket of eggs. “The water froze.” She turned to Jared. “I'll set the bucket on the stove. The ice will soon melt, but first see if you can chip out enough ice to start a pot of coffee. I wrapped the eggs up last night before I went to bed. Let's hope that was enough to keep them from freezing.”

Steve watched eagerly as Laurie cracked an egg. It was so thick Laurie had to scrape it out of the shell with a spoon, but it wasn't frozen. Jared was more interested in the coffee. He took a hammer and pick and attacked the ice. It was slow going, but by the time he managed to chip out enough to melt for coffee, the stove was hot. He put the bucket on the back of the stove so the rest of the ice would melt. Some of the food in the larder had frozen and some was shot through with ice crystals, but Laurie had scraped out and thawed out enough for a decent breakfast by the time the men had finished their chores and entered the kitchen.

Clay cast an accusing glance at Jared. “You told me it never snowed in Arizona. I wouldn't have come if I'd known I was going to freeze to death in my own bed.”

“I didn't tell you it
never
snowed,” Jared said to Clay. “The colonel trying to recruit troops for the fort said nobody had heard of it snowing here.”

“It hasn't snowed like this since I've been here,” Laurie told him.

Clay backed up to the stove, shivering and rubbing his hands together even though he was bundled up in a fur-lined hat and sheepskin coat. “If I don't show up at supper, it'll be because my frozen carcass is somewhere out there being chewed on by wolves.”

Nick and Loomis made fun of him, but Odell and Steve sidled up to the stove as well.

“If you don't leave room for Laurie to cook, you won't get any breakfast,” Jared said. “Sit down at the table and wait.”

He was in a bad mood, and he couldn't explain why. He ought to be relieved Laurie wasn't upset over last night. He ought to be thrilled to have found such a beautiful woman who liked him well enough to sleep with him, maybe enough to do it again. The men liked her. She worked hard and was an excellent cook. In addition, she'd provided the money to buy the Herefords he needed to make the ranch successful. He'd even found a man he was certain was one of his lost brothers. Everything was looking up for him. Why was he so irritable?

“Coffee's ready,” Laurie announced.

Five cups were immediately thrust in her direction. Laurie gave the men a saucy smile. “I've got to serve the boss first. Don't want to lose my job.”

“No man in his right mind would fire you,” Loomis said.

“Not if he'd tasted your cooking,” Steve added.