To Hell and Back (11 page)

I’ve had a little too much time to think this week.  I’m starting to stress over what comes next.  I can’t stay here forever.  I need to get a job and find a place to live.  I just try to take deep breaths and remember that I have Carson to help me.  I really do trust him.  I definitely don’t expect him to keep taking care of me forever, but it’s good to know that I have someone I can count on. 

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about the last night Carson was here.  I know he was afraid of hurting me and of pushing me too far, but just being in his arms felt like I’d found my Home.  His soft touch lit my entire body on fire, and I wanted to tear the clothes off both of us right then and there.  I go back and forth in my head, trying to figure out what to do.  I want so badly to be with him, but I’m afraid he won’t feel the same way. I know it’s early in our relationship. I know things may not work out between us. I still want to feel what it’s like to make love to a man like Carson. I haven’t had much opportunity to reach out and take what I want, to make my own decisions. 

***

I look down at myself, checking again that I look presentable.  I’ve chosen the bright pink wrap dress for tonight. It’s comfortable, but sexy and feminine. It has a thin, braided leather belt that accentuates my waist perfectly.  The long sleeves are slightly loose and flowing above a skirt that stops just shy of my knees.  What’s under the dress took slightly more consideration.  I laid out each and every one of the matching lingerie sets on my bed and stared at them for a good ten minutes. Then I put away all the boy shorts and bikini bottoms, leaving only the two with thong-style bottoms. I’ve never worn one of these in my life, but if I’m going to wear one at all, it might as well be now. In the end, I chose a lacy charcoal grey set with tiny magenta bows at the hips and between my breasts.

I sit in the front room for a while, watching out the window.  My foot keeps tapping on its own and I’m not sure if it’s nervousness or excitement.  When I finally see headlights in the driveway, I run to the door and throw it open before I realize I’m not supposed to go outside. I stop just inside the doorway and look out, watching Carson grab his bag from the trunk and say goodbye to Lucy before coming up the porch steps. I wave to the redhead and she leans out the window, waving back at me. “Feeling better?” she asks with a smile.

“Much better than the last time we met.  Thanks for getting me home that day.”

“Oh, honey, you’re welcome.  That was nothing.  What you should really thank me for is listening to this one over here,” she jerks her thumb toward Carson.  “He has talked about you non-stop since he met you.  It’s Brielle this and Brielle that around here.  I’ve never seen him get so mushy over a girl before.  He’s a good boy, you know.  Be good to him.”

“Don’t worry, Lucy. I will.”

“Okay, I’m leaving now, you two.”  She gives Carson a wink, adding, “I’ll be back to get you real soon,” before backing out of the driveway. My heart sinks a bit as I hear those words.  I know we only have two days together, but hearing it out loud makes it seem more real.  I walk over to Carson with a smile and run my hands through his hair.  “So, you’re all mushy over me?” 

“I’m everything over you, Angel. I missed you so much.”  He pulls me in for a kiss and that smell that is all Carson invades every sense and every fiber of my body.  I’m not sure I’m actually breathing right now.  My thoughts start racing and my head swims.  For all I know he’s already having second thoughts about us.  What if he turns me down?  What if he doesn’t?  What if it turns out I’m no good at this or if he sees me without a stitch of clothing on and doesn’t like the view?

I’d love to have been able to go to the spa to get prepared for tonight.  I’m sure perfectly primped and waxed girls are what he’s used to.  As it was, asking Mrs. H to pick up razors, shaving cream, body spray, and the like was embarrassing enough.  An at-home waxing kit was way too uncomfortable to think about – on so many levels.

He picks up his bag and we head up the stairs.  When we reach the door to my room, I turn to Carson, take a deep breath and ask, “Will you be with me?”

He smiles and the breath rushes out of me all at once. I forgot how easy things are with him, how I can just be myself and not overthink every move I make. He drops his bag to the floor, kisses me and says, “I’m right here with you, Angel.” 

“I mean really be with me, Carson.  My bruises are healing really well and I’m not in pain.  I want us to be… together.”  I’m finding it hard to say the actual words out loud and I just hope that he understands what I’m asking.

This time it’s his turn to breathe deeply. “Are you sure it isn’t too soon for this?  I will wait forever for you. There’s no rush.”

I put my hand on the tense muscle of his arm and reassure him, saying “Carson, really, I feel great.  I’m definitely ready for this.  If you’ll have me, I want to make love to you.”

I open the door to my room and pull him inside.  There wasn’t much I could do in the way of decorating, and, in any case, I’m not really one for the whole rose petals and champagne thing.  I settled for putting a thin yellow scarf over the lamp, making the glow seem softer and certainly more flattering.  I also spent hours debating what our “first time playlist” would be, but in the end, I settled for a whole bunch of Owl City songs set to play on YouTube.  Might not be the most romantic, but I love their sound and their music is comfortable and familiar. I’m going for fun and comfort, not unrealistic expectations.

I hit play on my phone and start to set the phone on the nightstand. In my nervousness, I started the wrong playlist. When I hear Shakira’s voice kick in with “Waka, Waka”, any remaining tension dissipates and we both laugh out loud. 

“I’m assuming you didn’t want to make love to the sound of drums?” Carson winks at me.  He has a way of putting me at ease without even trying.  I know in my heart that this is right. We don’t have to wait for some perfect moment, some built up expectations. No matter what happens in the future for Carson and me, this – just being us, just being together – this is what matters right now.

“Not really what I was going for,” I say as I change over to the Owl City playlist. When I hear the electronic sound of “Fireflies” starting, my body starts to hum with the excitement and freedom I’m feeling. I’m free to be who I am and do what I want, free to make love to this wonderful man.  There is no girl in the world having a more perfect moment than I am right now.

“I want you to know I’m absolutely sure about this.  I feel so comfortable with you, so safe.  I just want to be with you, even if it’s only for tonight or for this weekend.  Even if it’s to the sound of drums,” I giggle. 

“Fuck, Angel. Even when you’re giggling you’re sexy as hell.  Come here,” he growls at me.  The careful touches and the fear on his face are gone.  “That’s the last time I want to hear you talk about the end of us.  I am with you for as long as you will have me.  I don’t have to wait years or even months before realizing this is special.  I know how I feel when I’m around you.  I’m here because the day we met I felt a connection.  I don’t want you to think I see you as a wounded bird, or that I’m only here to feel like some kind of hero. You’re the hero, Brie. You have survived a life with the Devil incarnate and come out on the other side.  I’m just a guy who was in the right place at the right time.  A guy who found the perfect girl hiding behind a million layers of armor; a girl with brick walls a mile high standing between her and the rest of the world.  How do I know we’re right together?  I see past the walls and through the armor.  I see you, Brielle. I see who you are, and I see who you can be. I’m grateful to have the chance to stand next to you as you begin to see yourself the way I do. I’m crossing my fingers that when you figure out how wonderful you really are, you will still want to be with me.”

“I can’t imagine ever changing my mind, Carson. Not ever.”

I gasp as he picks me up and I wrap my legs around his waist.  There are no more words, just us giving in to what our hearts and bodies are asking for.  His lips are against mine and his hands are sliding up under my skirt to hold me.  The thong panties I chose for tonight leave me bare to his hands.  The feeling of his intimate touch on my body is foreign, but, my God, it’s
hot
.

He carries me over to the bed and leans forward until I feel my back against the soft mattress; his lips never break contact with mine.  Leaning back, he looks at my face, a dark expression in his eyes.  He brushes my hair off my forehead and runs his hands down my body until they reach the tie at the waist of my dress.  Still looking at me, Carson says, “If I do anything that makes you nervous or uncomfortable, I want to know.  This should be all about pleasure, Brie.  I’m learning about you as you learn about me.  I want this to be perfect for you.  Let me love you.  Let me show you how good this can be.”

As he talks, he undoes my belt. He unties the bow holding the panels of fabric together and exposes my stomach, my breasts just barely contained in the thong’s lacy counterpart.  He draws in a breath and I’m pretty sure I hear him say, “God, you’re perfect,” just before his lips touch my belly button.  He trails slow kisses up my body until he reaches my throat and spends some time making my neck and earlobes feel loved.  The feeling I get from every kiss, every touch, is intoxicating.  We’ve barely begun and I can feel my panties getting soaked.  My nipples have become hard pebbles, straining almost uncomfortably against the binding fabric of my bra.  I don’t even realize I’ve made a sound until Carson says, “Angel, that is the hottest thing I have ever heard.  Everything about you is perfect.  Thank God I found you, Brie, thank God.”

He works his way back down to my chest and reaches around my back to lift me up a bit. I feel the slightest twinge in my ribs, but the adrenaline soaring through my aroused body makes sure it’s instantly forgotten.

I raise up on my elbows as Carson unhooks my bra. I pull one arm, then the other, out of the dress sleeves and bra straps. I lean back and lift my lower half in the air so Carson can pull the dress from underneath me. Now, I’m lying here in only my panties, but the feelings of apprehension and self-doubt I thought I would feel aren’t there. Instead, I feel loved, cherished, and hungry for more. 

Carson leans over me again, my dress and his shirt now but a memory. Holding my breasts in his hands, his thumbs gently brush my nipples and I close my eyes, letting the incredible sensation wash over me.  I gasp as his hot mouth closes over one; first he’s gentle and then the pulls are harder just before I feel his teeth scrape lightly against me.  I feel a chill as his lips leave me, but soon the other is receiving the same treatment. I squirm and pant beneath him, the sensation from his assault on my breasts is felt throughout my entire body. Every pull of his mouth is like a cord, an intense shock, pulling directly on the nerves of my center. The core of me is becoming hotter and wetter by the second.  I had no idea I could feel like this and it’s all before he ever reaches between my legs.  For the first time, I feel like a living, breathing, sexual woman.  I’m accepting that I have the right to be loved, to be touched in a way that gives me pleasure instead of pain.  This doesn’t feel dirty or wrong, instead it’s incredibly sensual and liberating.

I feel Carson’s fingertips brush across my hipbones and then gently tug at the elastic of my panties. I lift again, but, once I’m completely bared to him, I instinctively press my legs together.

Carson moves his hot hands outward and gently pulls my legs away from one another. He kisses the inside of each thigh and looks up at me, saying, “Open for me.  I want you to relax. Don’t think, just feel.”  I comply, and as my legs fall away from each other, he stokes the outer layer of my sex. “My God, Angel. You’re amazing.”

His fingers are replaced by his tongue; the gentle touches are followed by a long, slow lick up the center of me.  I gasp, jerking off the bed a few inches at the sensation. When his tongue reaches my most sensitive area, his mouth closes over the swollen bud and sucks gently.  Electric sparks shoot through my body I’m sure that even if I opened my eyes, I wouldn’t be able to see.  Carson pulls back and dances his tongue across my clit again and again as the heat inside me intensifies.  His tongue slides down into me and then back up.  I feel his mouth leave me for a moment, and then his finger is at my entrance, sliding slowly and gently inside me.  He waits a moment before hooking his finger against the upper walls of my flesh and pulling it back out.  He repeats the motion and, at some point, his mouth rejoins the thrusting digit.  I feel another pause, and the fit of his finger inside me seems to have tightened.  I realize he’s slowly adding another finger, and the intensity I’m feeling is dizzying.  I start to feel a sort of soaring feeling and my breathing deepens.  Carson must notice because the pressure and speed of his tongue increases dramatically.  There is a pressure building inside me and then, suddenly, it’s like fireworks are bursting in every inch, every nerve, of my body.  I fist my hands in Carson’s hair and, almost as though I’m somewhere above us, I hear myself scream his name.

I’m not sure how long I lie there with him, not saying a word.  He’s moved up to press himself against my back and wrapped his arm around me. I can’t think, let alone talk. I have no words. Carson kisses my temple and says something I don’t quite understand. I realize then that he has taken care of me, but I’ve done nothing for him. I roll to face him and put my hands on either side of his face, kissing him deeply.  I smile at this wonderful man who has given me such pleasure before pushing his shoulder down, urging him to lie on his back.

I slide down his body and unzip the jeans he’s wearing, careful to avoid the bulge of his sensitive skin below. Carson says nothing, but watches me intently as I explore his body for the first time.  I pull the faded denim over his hips and down, removing them completely.  I stare for a moment at the ridge of hard flesh still covered by his boxer briefs. I lick my lips, breathe deeply, and uncover the treasure I’ve been waiting for. It’s bigger than I thought, and I’m intrigued by the ridges and veins running along its length. There is a drop of moisture at the tip and I can’t help but taste it. Carson lets out a deep groan when my tongue touches his flesh and as I pull back, the moisture strings from my mouth back to its origin, connecting us. I’m not really sure how to do this, but I lick up the underside of his glorious cock and, judging by his reaction, it’s the right way to go.  Again, I capture the head of his shaft and this time I suck it fully into my mouth.  I wrap my hand around the spit-moistened column of skin and stroke slowly, keeping the tip in my mouth.  Incredibly, his skin tightens and the already firm length grows even more rigid.  I continue this way as Carson’s fingers find their way into my hair.  His grip doesn’t cause me any pain, but the possessiveness of the gesture increases the fire within me. Seconds later, he tells me to stop. I look up at him without removing my mouth from its contact with him, questioning his request with my eyes.