T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (21 page)

know CPR, and Im about to tell her this is not a good night for this, maybe next time, when Ty kicks me in the shins, and I tell her Ill drop him off on my way to work.
I make Ty take his cell-phone charger so his phone can be charged in case he needs to call me for anything. He says that hell keep it charged in case I need to call
him
for anything. We pack his bag, and I put in four changes of clothes, and he scowls at me and takes some of them out. I make sure he has his toothbrush (and toothpaste and floss and mouthwash and Childrens Tylenol and Band-Aids and tweezers). He stops me when I am packing a Tupperware dish filled with almond granola because Ill be
damned
if hell go hungry because all theyre serving is a rack of lamb in pork sauce with a side of meatloaf. He takes me to the couch and has another talk with me. I sit with my hands in my lap and nod.
When hes not looking, I pack the granola anyway.
“You going to be okay?” he asks as we pull out of our apartment parking lot. I glance in the rearview mirror and see how pale my face looks.
“Are
you
going to be okay?” I retort, not liking his amused expression.
“Ill be fine, Papa Bear,” he says calmly. “But even if I decide to stay the whole night, can I still call you tonight before I go to bed?” I smile and say yes, and we both relax, and its not until later that Ill realize hes said that more for my benefit than his.
“What are you going to do tonight?” he asks me as we pull into his friends neighborhood. “You probably shouldnt stay by yourself.”
I snort. “You kidding me?” I tell him. “Its my first night without you hanging all over me. Im gonna go out and party.”
He looks at me knowingly. “You should just go to Otters,” he says as he stares back out the window. “That way, Ill know where you are and know that youre okay.”
“That Im okay?” I ask him bewildered. “Why wouldnt I be okay?”
Hes silent for a moment, and Im about to ask him again when he says, “I know youll be okay. But I know youll be
more
okay if youre with Otter.” He looks at me again. “Does that make sense?”
I shake my head. “Explain it to me.” I honestly dont know whats going through his head. I know he cant possibly know about… you know,
us
(i.e. whatever it is Im doing with Otter), but I also know hes more perceptive than anyone Ive ever known. Im curious to see what hes picked up.
He sighs. “I made Otter promise me that hell take care of you,” he tells me. “Remember when we were at his house a couple of nights ago for a sleepover? Thats what I whispered to him.”
“Whyd you ask him that?” I say, opting not to tell him that I already knew.

I pull the car over in front of the Herrera house. I put the car in park and cup the back of the Kids head and press my forehead against his. He hums happily and plays with my fingers. “Youve done a damn good job taking care of me,” I tell him quietly. “More than anyone in the world.”

He shrugs. “Otter makes you smile. I know I do too,” he says quickly, as I open my mouth to interject. “But youve been sad for a very long time, and I couldnt figure out why, and then I knew.”

He looks at me funny, like I shouldnt even have to ask. “You were sad,” he says, “because Otter was gone. But now hes back, and youre not sad anymore. And that makes me hope that hell never leave again.”

I smile sadly at my little adult and kiss his forehead. His friend opens the front door to the house, and Mrs. Herrera waves from behind him, and Ty unbuckles his seat belt and grabs his overnight bag out of the backseat of the car. He opens the door and yells hi to his friend and grins at me over his shoulder, and then hes gone too. I watch him run up to the front door, and he turns and waves back at me, and I wave frantically at him, and then theyre inside, and the door is shut. I turn the car around and drive away, feeling strangely alone. Then my phone beeps, telling me Ive got a new text message from the Kid.

“
T
HE
Kids the one that asked to stay the night at a friends house?” Otter asks me a few hours later, when Im on my break. “Uh-oh. Howre you holding up?”

I switch my phone to my other ear and kick the ground. “What do you mean how am I holding up?” I say bitterly. “
I’ve
never been better.” Obviously.

He snickers in my ear. “You sound like it.” He pauses for a moment and then says, “Maybe this is a good thing, Bear. Maybe hes finally starting to trust the world again.” I know this is hard for him to say, as we both know hes a big reason the Kid lost that trust in the first place. Its not all Otters fault, of course, but it certainly didnt help, either. I think of six mean things to say, but I let it go. I must be getting old.

“I guess youre right,” I sigh. “I just thought this wouldnt happen until he was at least thirty.”
“Its good its happening now,” he tells me gently. “I think that hes going to start becoming his own person. But you… youve got to let him.”
“I know!” I say, angrier than I intend. “Ive wanted this more than anything in the last three years, you know? For him to be okay. But now thats happening… I dont know. I think that its too much too fast. What if something happens? I wont be right there to make sure hes okay!”
He takes a deep breath. “Bear, you cant always be right there for him for everything. You both need to be able to do your own things. Youve never even had a chance to do stupid things like most people your age.”
“I dont need to do stupid things!” I retort. “Im perfectly fine doing what it is Ive been doing for the last three years. Its kept us alive so far, hasnt it?” Im starting to breathe heavily, starting to feel the blackness of despair. I dont tell Otter that I havent been able to focus all day. I dont tell him that Ive checked my phone every minute for the last four hours. I dont tell him that Ive already called the Herrera household and spoken to Mrs. Herrera, who assures me that everything is going okay. I know that Otter is right: I havent really had a chance to do anything. Ive been so tied up making sure Ty is okay that I never focused on what I want. There have been moments, sure, where Ive felt small waves of resentment, but Ive learned to shove those feelings down before they can amount to anything. But still… now that I finally have a chance to do something on my own (even if its just for one night), why do I wish that everything would just go back to the way it was?
“Bear, hes just staying at a friends house,” Otter says, sounding amused and exasperated all at the same time. “I think hell be okay. I
know
youll be okay.”
I shake my head. Once again, people just dont understand. “I guess,” I mutter.
I can hear him grinning through the phone. “So what are you going to do tonight?”
I hadnt thought about this. An entire evening stretches out before me with no obligations, no need for me to worry about the well-being of another. I shudder as I feel loneliness nipping at my heels. “I dont know,” I tell Otter morosely. “I guess Ill just go to bed and try to get some sleep.”
He snorts in my ear. “I only asked to be polite. I thought it would be rude to tell you to get your ass over here when you get off of work.”
“I dont know, Otter. I dont think Id make very good company tonight.”
“Bear!” he barks at me, and I wince. “Dont feed me that bullshit!”
“My house is closer to where Ty is at in case he needs something,” I say. “It would make me feel better if I had at least
that.
”
“Fine,” he says. “Then Im coming over to your house.”
“Otter,” I say, about to tell him no. I think that Im just putting up a front because theres a deep dark hunger that has taken over my mind. Its the thought of Ty not being around. Its the thought of me being on my own for once. Its the thought of not having to be quiet or worry about what the Kid is doing in the next room. This yearning roars through me, and I do little to quell it. I feel ashamed and wrong and dirty, but I cant stop it. Unbidden thoughts stroll through my head, and I blush furiously, thankful no one can read my thoughts and see how depraved I am. How horrible I am. How I am acting like such a… whatever.
“Im not taking no for an answer,” he growls in my ear, which does little to squash the monster thats roaring from somewhere inside me. I feel dizzy as I think,
What’s happening to me?
I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count
, it says sweetly.
However, I think we’re past that, don’t you? Why don’t you just do what it is you
know
you want to do? There’s always room tomorrow for remorse. But until then….
I think incoherently of devils and their silver tongues.
“Okay,” I say meekly.
He exhales in my ear, and it sounds good. “Ill come to your work before you get off and pick up something for dinner,” he tells me happily.
“Youre going to make me dinner?” I say, trying hard not to grin like an idiot. “Again?”
I hear him laugh. “Ill see you in a few hours.”
“Okay.”
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey, yourself.”
“Im proud of you. You know that, right?” he says, and then hes gone.
I roll my eyes and shove my phone back into my pocket. I stretch my arms and think more unthinkable things and have to force myself to stop. I dont think walking around with a hard dick is very conducive to good customer service.
Im about to stand when I see a familiar car pull into the parking lot. I tell my legs to move, knowing its stupid because Ill have to see her no matter what. My legs wont budge. I grip the edges of the table and force myself to rise, knocking my knees against the metal bar that runs underneath. I hiss and sit back down. Im about to try it again when she gets out of her car and raises her hand to her forehead, blocking out the sun. She looks right at me, and even from where I sit, I can see Anna hesitate.
Its only been a few days since I saw her last, but it feels like forever. I had been so focused on my misery over Ty that I hadnt even thought to look at the schedule to see if shed be working tonight. She walks slowly, as if were both thinking about how she has to walk right by me to get into the store. I tell myself Im being foolish, that we were going to see each other again, that it was only a matter of time. For Gods sake, we
work
together. I stare at her for a moment before lowering my eyes and finding an interesting freckle on my right arm that deserves my undivided attention. I think disjointed thoughts of how when she sees my face, shes going to know everything. Itll take one look, and shell see it written there like I have a big neon sign flashing on my forehead proclaiming that Im a
FAG
, that Ive done
FAG THINGS
, and that Im going to do
FAG THINGS AGAIN
. I groan softly to myself and rub my hands over my face. I think that maybe when I move them, shell have disappeared, either into the store or from the earth. Frankly, I dont know which would be better.
But she doesnt walk right by, and she doesnt vanish into thin air. She sits down on the opposite side of the table. I feel it creak, and I curse ever so softly and move my hands back down to the table. I hazard a glance at her and am encouraged slightly. Shes not sneering at me, and she doesnt recoil when she looks back at me.
“Hey,” she says, appearing almost as nervous as I feel.
“Hey, yourself,” I say back, congratulating myself when my voice comes out normal. “Looks like youre working tonight.”
That sounded real intelligent.
She nods. “Yeah, Im closing. Did you not see it on the schedule?” I shake my head. “Guess I didnt.”
Anna plays with her fingernail. “So whats going on?”
“Oh, you know…,” I start. In my head, I finish:
Oh, you know, just the usual. I’ve slept in Otter’s bed two or three times now. Oh, don’t worry! We haven’t really done anything. Except tell stories about you. And me. And him. Did you know he’s wanted me for a long time? He really left because he needed me so bad that it hurt, and he thought he was
projecting
. Remember when I used to say that to you? That you’re projecting? Well, he thought it too. But his was so bad that he used it as an excuse and got the hell out of Dodge, but then he came back, and I still don’t completely understand why yet. Oh, and we may have made out. And I may have liked it. And this is after you and I broke up, like… what? Two days ago? Three days ago? After being together since like second grade? So you know, the usual.
“You know,” I say again, “the usual.”
She nods again. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
I shrug. “Its neither, I guess,” I say truthfully. “It just… is.”
“Hows Ty?” she asks.
I pick neatly at a slash of paint on the table. “Hes fine. Hes staying the night at a friends house tonight.”
Her eyes widen slightly. “Like, a friend from school? Wow, Bear. Howd you get him to do that?”
I snort. “I didnt get him to do anything. He came and asked me.”
Concern suddenly blossoms across her face. She knows me too well, and I curse again. “How are you with that?” she asks me softly.
“Me? Oh, Im fine,” I say, trying to smile. It comes out like a grimace. “It was bound to happen sooner or later, right?”
She cocks her head slightly. “Im sure it was,” she says slowly. “But I wonder why he decided to do it now?” I stupidly almost tell her its because the Kid thinks Im safe and happy now that Otters home. That Im slowly starting to realize that the only reason hes starting to act like the Kid that he is, is because he has someone who promised to take care of me. I dont think itll go over very well, so I tell her I dont know.
She asks about Creed, and I ask about her mom. Both are doing fine. She tells me she got her grades back from school, and she did well. I tell her how I had packed food in the Kids overnight bag. She says that she went to a bonfire on the beach with some of her friends last night. I tell her that sounds like it was fun. She says it was. Neither of us says anything about Otter and neither of us is saying anything about her and me, and when I think I cant feel any more uncomfortable, she glances down at her watch and says she needs to go clock in, or shell be late. I tell her Ill be in in a minute. She stands and looks like she is going to say something else. I look at her expectantly and know Ill answer whatever she says, but she changes her mind and flips her hair and walks inside. She doesnt look back.