Tiger's Voyage (40 page)

“Nothing. He clutched his head and fell.”

Ren was on his knees, bent over so his head touched the deck. His hands were pressed into his hair, and he twisted and pulled the strands as he moaned in agony. Suddenly he flung back his head and threw out his chest. Fists clenched at his sides, he screamed out in pain—the kind of mortal cry that reverberates through anyone who hears it. It was a cry of utter agony. In it, I could hear the echoes of Lokesh’s laughter as he hurt him, the physical suffering of months of torture, the emotional turmoil of having nothing left to live for.

I had to go to him. He needed me. His anguish seeped into my body until it became a living entity. I had to vanquish it. I couldn’t let him suffer like this, couldn’t allow him to feel this pain. I knew somehow that I could destroy this blackness, this darkness that overshadowed his mind, his soul.

That’s when I felt it. Under the hurt, under the layers of torment, there was something solid, something strong, something unbreakable. It was back. The bridge between Ren and me had been rebuilt. It was hidden under waves of pain. It was flooded over, but it was there, and it was rock-hard and firm. I took several steps toward him, but Kishan held me back.

Ren slumped forward again and braced himself on shaky arms, panting. My heart beat heavily as if in rhythm with his. I could feel my limbs trembling, echoing his shaky movements. The three of us stayed locked in that position for several minutes. Kishan finally took a step forward and held out his hand. Ren took several deep breaths and then clasped his brother’s hand. He stood and lifted his head, but he didn’t look at Kishan. He looked at me.

I froze in place. My skin tingled all over. My pulse hammered thickly through my veins.

Kishan spoke, “Are you … alright?”

Ren replied without taking his eyes off me. “I am
now
.”

“What happened to you?” Kishan continued.

Ren sighed deeply and reluctantly looked at his brother. “The veil of concealment was lifted.”

“A veil? What veil?”

“The veil in my mind. The one Durga put there.”

“Durga?”

“Yes,” he replied softly. “I remember now.” His gaze shifted to me again. “I remember …
everything
.”

I gasped softly. The night air now hung thickly around us, warm and sultry when it had previously been cool and crisp. A vibrating hum in my body warmed my muscles, smoothing, melting away the stress of a few moments before, and I became aware of only one thing: the man looking at me fervently with unspoken words in his brilliant blue eyes. I don’t know how long we were locked together like that. I didn’t think anything could break that visual connection, but then Kishan stepped in front of me and faced his brother. I blinked several times before his words made sense.

“Stay here,” he said to Ren. “We’re just going downstairs to get Kadam, and then we’ll be back. Are you listening to me? Ren?”

Ren spoke without taking his eyes off me. “Yes. I will stay here and wait.”

Kishan grunted. “Good. Come on, Kells.” He took my hand and started leading me away. I followed him placidly, letting him guide my footsteps as my mind dwelt on what had happened.

Just after we rounded the corner, I heard Ren’s soft voice, no more than a whisper on the night breeze entreat, “Don’t go,
iadala
. Stay with me.”

I hitched a breath and turned to look, but I couldn’t see him anymore. Kishan squeezed my hand and pulled me along after him. When we arrived at Mr. Kadam’s door, Kishan knocked softly. The door opened a crack, and then all the way, allowing us to enter.

Mr. Kadam wore a gentleman’s dressing robe, the type of sleepwear that men a hundred years ago would have worn before retiring for the evening. Kishan quickly explained the situation. They both wanted me to stay put while they spoke with Ren. They were adamant, and I was in too much shock to protest. I sat in Mr. Kadam’s chair, lifting a heavy book onto my lap.

I opened the book, but I couldn’t read. My brain was unplugged. My body was entirely focused on feeling; and right now, the only thing I could feel was the strong connection in the center of my body. The hole, the missing link, the broken off gaping piece of me, gone since Shangri-la, was back, and I could feel the other end. I was connected to Ren again. I had been alone. Naked. Exposed to the harsh world. And now … I wasn’t.

Even as I sat here decks away from him, I could feel the warmth of his presence as if a soft blanket had been wrapped around my soul, around my heart. It held me and protected me. It sheltered me, and I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I’d been like a colander, a bowl that could hold onto the major stuff but the precious liquid drops of emotional connection were constantly draining out of me.

Now those holes were sealed, and I was filling. Bursting with something that left me weepy and shaky.
He remembered.
I repeated those words over and over. They flitted across my conscious mind without penetrating, without processing. I felt light-headed, like I was suffering from heatstroke. I licked my lips but was too weak to get up and look for water.

Kishan and Mr. Kadam returned. Kishan knelt beside me and took my hand. He stroked the back of it, but I couldn’t feel his gentle touch.

Mr. Kadam spoke quietly. “It appears Ren has regained his memory, Miss Kelsey. He’d like to see you. Do you feel up to it, or should I tell him to wait until tomorrow?”

I hesitated and didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Miss Kelsey? Are you quite alright?”

I sucked in a breath and mumbled. “I don’t know what to do. What should I do?”

Kishan sat by me, caring and constant. “I’ll support whatever you decide, Kells,” he said.

“Okay.” I nodded maniacally. “I should see him, right? You think I should see him, don’t you?”

I stood and took a few steps and then turned. “No. Wait. I can’t. What do I say to him? How do I explain everything?”

Kishan said, “He knows everything. He still remembers everything since we found him, but now his other memories have surfaced. If you don’t want to talk to him, you don’t have to.”

I bit my lip. “No. It’s okay. I’ll see him now.”

Mr. Kadam nodded. “He’s waiting for you in the observation lounge.”

I took another shaky step and then stopped. “Will you go with me, Kishan?”

He kissed my forehead. “Of course.”

We left a worried Mr. Kadam, who told us he would take over watch in the wheelhouse as we were otherwise occupied. I told Kishan I wanted to change first. I washed the makeup off my face and took off my fancy dress. Slipping on a pair of jeans, I pulled a T-shirt over my head. I removed the flower and brushed out my hair, then tugged on a pair of sneakers. Kishan waited for me outside, still in his silk shirt and tie.

I took his hand, and silently we made our way to the observation lounge. We started toward the couches. The room was dark; only the moonlight coming in through the window lit our way. I saw a shadowy figure rise. His form was silhouetted by the moon. I stopped.

Kishan wrapped me in a hug and whispered, “It’ll be alright. You go on, and call out if you need me.”

“But—”

“Go ahead.”

Kishan’s comforting presence was gone before I could issue another protest. I forced myself to take a step forward and then another. I was frightened, but I didn’t know what was scaring me. I finally reached Ren. He watched my every move with an awareness that made me nervous. He must have sensed my fear, because he dropped his intense gaze and gestured that I should sit. I perched nervously across from him and clasped my hands in my lap.

After a long quiet moment, I said, “You … wanted to talk to me?”

Ren sat back in his chair, studying me silently.

“What did you want to say?” I stammered.

He tilted his head. “You’re scared. You don’t need to be,” he said softly.

I dropped my gaze to my hands.

He went on, “You’re acting like you did when I first revealed myself to you at Phet’s house.”

“I can’t seem to help myself.”

“I don’t ever want you to be frightened of me,
priya
.”

My eyes met his, and I took a deep breath. “You said you remember. Is that true?”

“Yes. I was … triggered.”

Shocked, I asked, “What was the trigger? What brought back your memory of me after all this time?”

He looked away. “It’s not important. The important thing is that it’s over. I remember you. Us. Kishkindha. Oregon. I remember being taken, handing you to Kishan, the Valentine’s dance, fighting Li,
our first
kiss
… all of it.”

I stood and walked to the window. I pressed my hand against the glass and kept my back turned to him.

Ren continued, “Phet was right. I did this to myself.”

I clenched my fist and touched my forehead to the cold glass. My breath fogged the window lightly then disappeared between breaths. “Why?” My voice broke. “Why did you do it?”

He rose and stood behind me—close enough that his nearness affected me. It was warm and calming, and yet at the same time, my nerves stood on end, prickling my skin until I was sensitive to everything around me. He touched a strand of my hair and his fingers brushed the back of my neck. I jumped but stayed where I was.

“Durga offered to help me block you out and even planted a subliminal aversion to being near you. The idea being that if somehow I was rescued, even then I would stay as far away from you as possible.”

“That included you not being able to touch me? The burning you felt?”

“Yes. That way, I’d avoid you, and Lokesh couldn’t use me to find you. He was making me say things that I didn’t want him to know. He made me hallucinate with some kind of power. He was obsessed with finding you. Forgetting you was the only way I could really protect you. The only way to save you.”

A tear splashed on my cheek. Others followed, and I sniffled softly.

He took a step closer and put a hand against the glass near mine. He leaned in and said quietly, “I’m
so
sorry,
iadala
. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. I’m sorry for the things I said. I’m sorry about your birthday, and worst of all I’m sorry for making you feel that I didn’t want you. That was never the case. Ever. Even when I couldn’t remember you.”

I laughed wetly. “Even when Randi was here?”

“I detested Randi.”

“You sure could have fooled me.”

“‘If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?’ I pushed you away on purpose. When Kishan gave you
CPR
, and I couldn’t, I knew you needed someone who could take care of you and be there for you. I couldn’t be what you needed.

“Kelsey, I can remember every moment I spent with you. I remember the first time you touched me as a tiger. I remember arguing with you in Kishkindha. I remember the fear I felt after the Kappa bit you. I remember the candlelight shining in your eyes at our Valentine’s dinner. I remember the first time you told me you loved me right before you left India, and I remember handing you to Kishan in Oregon and letting you go. I thought that was the hardest thing I’d ever experience, but then Durga offered me the chance to save you. I almost didn’t do it.

“There was a void in my heart after she took my memories. I felt them drain out of me, and there was nothing I could do to hold onto them. I desperately grasped at each one as they vanished, faded from my mind. The last thing I forgot was your face. That last image of you was so real, I tried to cup your face with my hands and hold on. I refused to let you go, but that image of you faded too until I held nothing. My heart was broken, and I couldn’t remember why. To live like that was horrible. I wanted Lokesh to kill me. I actually began to look forward to the torture. It was a distraction for my mind.”

He leaned his head and shoulder against the glass so he could see my face.

“Then one day, the three of you came and saved me. I didn’t know who you were. I felt like I should know you, but I couldn’t stay around you as a man without great pain. Being around you filled the emptiness though. It was worth the physical pain. I don’t think Durga expected that. That the emotional pull of you would override the physical discomforts of being close. So we came together again. But this time I was limited, blocked. As a tiger I could be close, be your companion, feel you near, and I fell for you again.

“Because a part of me sensed we belonged together, I was at peace. I would have been content to be your lapdog for the rest of my life. You asked me at the Star Festival if I would want more than that. The answer was no. There was nowhere else, no
one
else who made me feel like you did.

“Then when I broke up with you, I tried to prove to you and to myself that I didn’t need you. I avoided you. I hurt you. I paraded other women around, so you would believe I didn’t want you. But it was a lie. I had ten women surrounding me, and all I could think about was that cowboy having his hands on you. All I could see was the hurt I’d caused you. I convinced myself I was doing it for your own good. That you would be happier and would have a normal life without me. I selfishly pushed you toward Kishan knowing that if you were with him, at least I’d get to be near you sometimes.”

“And you knew he could protect me.”

“Yes.”

I turned to the side to face him. “And now?”

“And now?” He laughed sadly and ran a hand through his hair. “And now I’m worse off than I was before. At least before, I didn’t have the memory of kissing you in the kitchen between batches of chocolate-peanut-butter cookies. I didn’t remember what it felt like dancing with you in Oregon. I didn’t remember what you looked like in your blue
sharara
dress. I didn’t have the memory of fighting
for
you or fighting
with
you. Of dating you or seeing you for the first time in months on Christmas day and how I finally felt … whole again.”

He sighed. “I know I caused you pain. I know I hurt you. I know I broke your trust, your faith in me. Just … tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this. How to make it right. How to win you back again. If I could take all the pain I caused you into myself, I would. You are more important to me than all the world, and I would
sacrifice
all of the world to make you happy, to keep you safe. Please believe me when I say that.”