Tiger's Voyage (20 page)

Satisfied, he said, “You sure gave us a scare. What happened down there?”

“An eel touched me, and I freaked. I didn’t look where I was going and slammed my head into a rock. Thanks for pulling me out of the water, Wes. You’re a good partner.”

“Wasn’t me. It was Ren over there.”

I smiled weakly at Ren. “Looks like you saved my life. How many times is it now?”

He returned my gaze with a tight expression. “I just pulled you from the water. Kishan did
CPR
.” After he said that, he abruptly left the garage.

Kishan helped me to stand. “Let’s get you back to your room, Kells. Kadam? Can you call for Nilima to meet us there and help Kelsey?”

“Of course.”

As I walked back to my room, I found leaning on Kishan was no longer necessary. My head hurt where I hit the rock, but it wasn’t terrible. Nothing some Tylenol wouldn’t fix. Kishan insisted that Nilima stay with me for the next hour or so, and she helped me out of my wet suit so I could shower. Kishan brought dinner to my room even though I told him I felt fine and was looking forward to diving again. They all seemed to think I should rest for a day or so. Wes said he wanted to do more drills.

I kept telling them that I made a stupid mistake and just happened to hit my head hard enough to black out. It was a fluke. It wouldn’t happen again. I’d learned my lesson. But they outvoted me, and even Mr. Kadam made excuses, saying he was too busy to dive the next day. Finally, to put their minds at ease, I told them I’d go to bed early. I went to my room hoping I could find Ren. He’d disappeared for the rest of the day, and I wanted to ask him more about what happened. Everyone was acting very strange. I just couldn’t figure out why.

Ren wasn’t in his room. I waited hours for him to come to my room and even left the connecting door open, but he never appeared.

Ren didn’t join us in any of Wes’s drills the next day. Wes partnered with Mr. Kadam and Kishan with me. When I asked Mr. Kadam or Kishan where Ren was, they admitted Ren was on the ship and was safe—and that he did not want to be found.

I became angry with Kishan and used every persuasive method at my disposal to get him to tell me why Ren was hiding, but Kishan wouldn’t budge. He said that when Ren wanted to talk with me, he would. I paced back and forth in my room, hour after hour wondering what was wrong and feeling frustrated that I couldn’t help. I begged Mr. Kadam and Nilima to assist me, but they also politely refused, saying that Ren would speak with me when he was ready.

Soon, the
Deschen
was under way again and moving on to our next port city. I skipped dinner and went to bed early. Repeating the same pattern as other nights, I stood in our connecting doorway, staring dully into Ren’s dark room.

Where could he be? Is he angry with me? Is he hurt? Is something wrong?
Is he stuck as a tiger somewhere? Did something happen between him and
Wes? Between him and Kishan?

Questions filled my mind, and my heart ached with worry. I’d promised not to use the cell phone tracker, but I still physically searched the ship, repeatedly looking in every nook and cranny. There was absolutely no sign of him.

On the third night without Ren, I went to bed but couldn’t sleep. Around midnight, I decided the cool ocean breeze might help me clear my head.

Taking the outside stairs to the sundeck, I stood at the railing near our dining area for a while. The wind was blowing hard, and when I brushed back my hair, I could hear the soft murmur of male voices that it carried. I wondered if the speakers were the captain and a crewmember and thought I might say hello. Following the sound of the voices, I walked around the outside breezeway only to freeze when I saw Ren and Kishan. They had their backs to me. I was upwind, and the weather was a bit stormy, so they didn’t hear or smell me.

As I walked toward them, I heard Kishan say, “I don’t think she’ll do what you expect.”

“She’s already halfway there. Out of sight, out of mind,” Ren replied.

“I think you underestimate her feelings.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’ve made my decision.”

“You aren’t the only person involved.”

“I know that. But it’s for the best. Surely
you
see that.”

Kishan paused. “It doesn’t matter what I see, what I think, or what I want, for that matter.”

“This is the way it has to be, Kishan. I won’t let this happen again.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Yes, it was.
I
did this.
I
have to accept the consequences.”

“It will hurt her.”

“You’ll be there to help.”

“It won’t matter.”

“It will.” Ren put his hand on Kishan’s shoulder. “Over time … it will.”

“You have to tell her. If you’re going to break up with Kelsey, she deserves to hear it from you.”

Break up?

I hurried the last few steps, stormed up to the brothers, and shouted, “What on earth do you two think you’re talking about? I certainly hope I am sleepwalking and that I did
not
overhear this conversation!”

Both of them turned around. Kishan looked guilty, but Ren hardened his expression as if ready for a fight.

I poked Ren in the chest. “Where have you been for the past few days? You have some explaining to do, mister! And you!” I turned to Kishan. “How dare the two of you conspire and make plans about me without my input! You both know better!”

Kishan grimaced. “I’m sorry, Kells. You and Ren need to talk. I’ll find you again later and let you yell at me more then.”

“Fine.”

Kishan exited quickly while Ren leaned back against the railing with a determined expression on his face.

“Well? Are you going to explain yourself, or do I have to zap you?”

“You overheard what I wanted to say. I want us to break up.”

My jaw dropped. “You what?”

“I don’t want us to be together anymore.”

I couldn’t think of anything to say except, “Why?”

“I can’t … it won’t … we shouldn’t … look, I have my reasons, okay?”

“No. Just saying you have reasons isn’t good enough.”

Something flickered in his eyes. Pain. But it disappeared quickly and was replaced by gritty fortitude. “I don’t love you anymore.”

“I don’t believe you. You’ll have to do better than that. I read your wishes at the Star Festival. Remember?”

He grimaced. “I forgot about that. But you should believe me anyway. It’ll be easier for both of us that way. Kishan has feelings for you, and it would be better if you were with him.”

“You can’t tell me who to love and who not to love.”

“You already love him.”

“I love
you
, you big idiot.”

“Then stop.”

“I can’t just turn my feelings on and off like a water spigot.”

“That’s why I won’t be around anymore. I’ll avoid being near you. You’ll never see me.”

“Oh, I see. You think just not seeing you will fix everything?”

“Probably not. But it will help.”

I folded my arms and looked at him with utter incredulity. “I can’t believe you are telling me to be with your brother. It’s really not like you. Please tell me what I did to cause this.”

“You didn’t do anything.”

Ren spun around, leaned over, and placed his elbows on the railing. He didn’t say anything for a minute so I walked over near him and leaned over too. Eventually, he said quietly, “I couldn’t save you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I couldn’t. I tried to do
CPR
, but I became violently ill. I couldn’t save you. Kishan had to intervene, and in my jealousy and frustration I pushed him away. I almost let you die because I didn’t want him to touch you. That’s when I realized I had to let you go.”

“But, Ren—”

I reached out to touch his arm. Ren looked down at my hand and stepped away.

I stiffened and said, “I’m sure you’re exaggerating.”

“No, I’m not.” He turned away from me as if he was going to leave.

“Alagan Dhiren Rajaram, you stay right here, and you listen to me!”

He spun back to me, angry. “
No.
Kelsey. No! I can’t
be
with you! I can’t
touch
you! And I
can’t
save you.” He gripped the railing so hard his knuckles turned white. “You need a man who can do those things. That man isn’t me. It’s been months, Kelsey. I haven’t found the trigger. I probably never will, and you’ll waste your entire
life
waiting for me! Kishan needs you. Kishan wants you. Be with him.”

“I don’t want to. I choose
you
, and I don’t care about those other things. I’m sure we’ll figure out something.
Please
don’t push me away because of this.”

“It’s for the best, Kelsey. We know what’s best for you.”

“No, you don’t!
You’re
what’s best for me.”

“I’m
not
. And I’m
not
discussing this with you anymore. I’ve made my decision.”

“Oh! You’ve made your decision, have you? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but you don’t make decisions for me! The two of you can plan and scheme all you want, but you can’t force me to feel differently about you than I do!”

Ren’s shoulders fell and he said resignedly, “It won’t be force. Your feelings for him will come naturally, and at the same time, your feelings for me will diminish.”

“
Not bloody likely!
” I started panicking. Ren was serious. He had never backed off when he set his mind to something before, and I wasn’t making any headway at talking him out of this. I began hyperventilating. Tears trickled down my face. “Nothing about this feels natural. I can’t believe you’re willing to give me away.”

“Don’t be stubborn about this, Kelsey.”

I laughed wetly with sardonic humor. “I don’t think I’m the one being stubborn here.”

He sighed. “We need to face the fact that our relationship is dysfunctional. Why put us both through the pain when it’s not necessary? You can be happy with Kishan and … I’m sure I can find someone else too.”

I’m sure he could. All he’d have to do is walk down any street in the
world, and there would be hundreds of “someone elses” lined up for blocks.

I inhaled shakily. “But there isn’t anyone else I want. I don’t want us to break up.”

Ren laughed cynically. “I knew you wouldn’t listen to reason.” He sighed. “Fine. Then let’s do this the hard way.” He squared his shoulders, and his mouth turned up cruelly. “People break up all the time, Kelsey. Just accept it. The fact of the matter is, it was nice for a while, but it’s time I moved on. No forgotten memories could possibly be worth all this … pain. All this drama.”

“I still don’t believe you. I know you still care about me.”

“How can I care about a girl when my gut twists in agony every time I touch her?”

“You never complained before.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever kissed, and a kiss that can only last a few seconds just isn’t worth it.”

“You know what I think? I think you are feeling extremely guilty about the
CPR
thing, and you’re trying to protect me. You’ve always been overprotective, so now you think breaking up with me will save me. You’ve got some kind of hyperactive Superman complex, and your favorite pastime is to sacrifice our being together for my safety.”

He grunted and ran a hand through his hair. “Apparently I’m not making myself clear. I … don’t …
want
… you. Not anymore. I’m not even sure I want a girlfriend right now. Maybe I’ll just play the field for a while, break a few hearts. I think I’ll try a redhead or a blonde next time.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Is that what it will take? You have to see me with another woman before you believe I’m serious?”

I folded my arms. “Yes.”

“Fine. I’ll be happy to accommodate you.”

“Oh … no … you … won’t! If I see you with another woman, I will personally strangle you, Tarzan!”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Kelsey, but you’re forcing me. I’m serious about this. We don’t belong together, and until you come to accept that, you won’t see me.” Ren turned to leave.

“You coward. Hiding from a girl half your size.”

He spun back around. “I’m no coward, Kelsey. You once left me saying we didn’t belong together. That we didn’t … match. I’ve come to believe you’re right.
You
are not for
me
. I’ll find someone else. Someone,” he worked his jaw, “prettier. And a little less mouthy would be good too.”

I gasped softly as fat, wet teardrops fell to my cheeks.

Seeing me falter, Ren moved in for the kill. “I’m sure we’ll both be able to move on quickly. Maybe even within the week.”

I turned around to hide my emotional turmoil, still speechless.

“The good news for you is, you already have a backup boyfriend or two. You have it easy. Men seem to flock to you like bears to honey, so count your blessings.”

I wrapped my hands across my stomach trying to contain the pain. Sucking in a shaky breath, I asked quietly, “So is that it? This is goodbye? We won’t mean anything to each other anymore? You won’t even be my friend?”

“That’s right. I’ll help on the tasks to break the curse, but other than that, don’t expect to see me. And when Durga’s tasks are complete, I’ll just disappear. You’ll never see me again.”

He took a few steps away but stopped when I softly said, “Ren?”

He sighed. “Yes?”

I turned and took a few steps so I could face him. I looked at his handsome face, searching for a sign that he would end this foolishness. His visage was set as hard as stone. There would be no changing his mind, no relenting. I tried another tack and threatened, “If you do this … if you leave me again … there won’t be another chance.”

Another fat tear plopped onto my cheek. He took a step closer, reaching out his finger to the teardrop. Our eyes met, and my heart thumped horribly in my chest. I loved him so much it hurt.
How could he
do this to us?
It felt wrong. These words he was saying were false. I knew it in my mind, but my heart was in pain regardless.
My
Ren would never say these things to me, but was he still
my
Ren? Had he really changed that much?