Thy Neighbor's Wife (33 page)

Sarah, she had tried her hardest to correct things and get herself

back on the track she was expected to follow. Always on that right

track, because she was a good girl.

God, being a good girl is wearing me out.

Much to her surprise—and for the first time—she felt a little

pellet of anger form in the pit of her stomach and she allowed it to

grow. She realized that the people who had made her rules had, for

Thy Neighbor’s Wife 175

the most part, done so for them and not for her. She remembered

her mother’s anger over Sarah and finally allowed herself to accept

the fact that she wasn’t worried about Jennifer, she was worried

about herself, about her own image. She was terrified of what peo-

ple would think of her, not her daughter. At that moment, Jennifer

realized the full impact of the selfishness with which her mother

had acted. The pain was nauseating.

Dawn had done the same thing. And Kayla. And Eric at the

time. Even Sarah, to a certain extent, for there was a part of Jenni-

fer that would always feel that Sarah didn’t try hard enough to hold

onto her. She was so busy rejoicing in her newfound sexuality that

she didn’t have the time to try to help Jennifer out of the closet. She

let me stay there and she watched as my mother slammed the door

and nailed boards over it.

She took a deep breath and tried to force herself to relax,

knowing the bitterness would get her nowhere. Soon, the anger

ebbed, making way for the emotion to return. Jennifer couldn’t

decide which was worse, being pissed off or crying her eyes out. She

told herself that the past was the past and there wasn’t a damn thing

she could do to change it now. All I can change is the future. All I

can change is the future. All I can change is the future.

She was still chanting that mantra in her head when she heard

footsteps scuffing through the dew-covered grass and looked up to

see Alex leading Kinsey on a leash. It was almost dark, and Jennifer

couldn’t make out the expression on her lover’s face. Her heart

began to hammer. She was perilously close to the edge; if this was

going to be an emotional discussion, she didn’t know if she’d sur-

vive.

“Hi,” Alex said softly, as if not wanting to disturb the peaceful-

ness of the twilight. She perched on the rock wall next to the chair.

Kinsey’s tail wagged rapidly and he put his wet front paws up on

Jennifer’s knee. Waves of affection washed over her and she bent

forward, allowing him to lavish kisses on her face.

“Hi,” she replied, her attention still on the dog.

They sat quietly.

“How did things go?” Alex asked finally, her voice tinged with

apprehension.

That worried quality alone was enough to start Jennifer’s tears

all over again. She let them fall silently for as long as she could

before a sob managed to work its way up and out. Alex blinked at

her and swallowed, her heart breaking at the sight and at the impli-

cation. She wasn’t sure if her physical presence would be welcomed,

but she decided to chance it. She scooted over and sat next to Jenni-

fer, putting an arm gently around her. “Oh, sweetie. It’s okay.

Everything will be okay.”

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Jennifer was so relieved at the contact. She could hold nothing

in any longer. All the emotion came pouring out in great, wracking

sobs. She cried in Alex’s arms, Alex rocking her gently, murmuring

words of comfort, kissing the blonde head, trying to reassure her,

all the while feeling the acute sense of loss settling in on her.

It was a long time before Jennifer’s sobs subsided. Still, Alex

held her, stroking her head. When Jennifer finally spoke, her voice

cracked, her throat raw from crying.

“Do you think we can do this?”

“You and Eric? If you love each other, sure.”

Jennifer lifted her head and blinked at Alex. “Me and Eric?”

Alex blinked back at her. “Isn’t that what you meant?”

“You think Eric and I are back together?”

“I…kind of assumed, yeah.”

“Why? Why would you assume that?”

“I don’t know. I just…you were so upset. I thought maybe

you…didn’t know how to tell me.”

Annoyance replaced the emotion in Jennifer’s gut. She sat up

straight and looked Alex square in the eye. “Alex, do you love me?”

There it was. Point blank. The big question. Alex swallowed

hard, feeling like she was frozen in time.

“Do you?” Jennifer asked again.

Alex heard Nikki’s voice in her head. If this is what you want,

make it work.

“Yes.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “More than you know.”

“God, you’re so insecure,” Jennifer said, her voice filled with a

combination of frustration and pity. “Why? Is it because your

friends disapprove of me? You are a wonderful, amazing, sexy

woman, Alex. Why did you automatically assume I’d choose to go

back to Eric?”

Suddenly Alex knew it was time—time to make a decision. She

decided then and there that this was the moment. For the first time

in her life, she forced herself to be completely, utterly honest. She

was terrified of the consequences, but she knew she had to let Jenni-

fer in on everything she was thinking, feeling, and petrified of. She

took a deep breath. “Jennifer, I…I know how hard this is for you. I

know how scary it is to embrace an alternative lifestyle. I know

what it feels like to disappoint your mother and get weird looks

from people that you thought were your friends. I don’t want that

for you.

“You’re right. I’m terribly insecure. It’s a problem I’ve had all

my life and much as I’d like to blame it on my mother, I’m learning

that it’s as much my fault as it is hers.” She studied her hands for

several minutes. “I was sure Nikki would end up leaving me, that

she’d figure out I was a big fraud and she’d leave. So, I left her first.

Thy Neighbor’s Wife 177

She never really understood, but she does now. I did the same thing

to my first girlfriend. And my second. None of them ever picked up

on my pattern; how could they?” She looked up at Jennifer, who

was watching and listening intently. “But then you came along and

you saw right through me. Just like that. Do you know you’re the

only person who ever gave me shit about leaving my job? The only

one. I think Jackie and Rita just know me too well and it didn’t sur-

prise them that I gave up without a fight. But you didn’t get it and

you called me on it. You were right. You couldn’t understand why

I’m gay, but only write about straight people and you called me on

that, too. And you were right again.”

Jennifer felt a lump forming in her throat at the soft gratitude

in Alex’s voice. Alex reached for her hand and played with her fin-

gers as she continued to pour out her heart.

“Yes, my friends are worried about me. They aren’t thrilled

about our pairing. For all intents and purposes, you’re a straight

girl in their eyes. Straight girls only hurt the gay girls that fall for

them. It’s standard operating procedure.” She winked and Jennifer

grinned. “They’re just looking out for me and I get that. I appreci-

ate it.” Her voice softened considerably. “But it doesn’t change the

way I feel, Jennifer. All their warnings and speeches don’t make a

damn bit of difference to my heart. I’m terrified that they’re right.

It scares the hell out of me that you’ve gone from Eric to me in a flash and I really want to tell you that you need to be on your own

for a while, that you should take some time away from me to sort

things out in your head. I really want to tell you that. But I can’t. I

love you so much and I’m so afraid of losing you. I know how self-

ish that is, but I can’t help it.”

Tandem tears were coursing down the cheeks of both women.

Jennifer wanted to speak, but her throat had closed up on her. She

was sure she couldn’t possibly have more crying to do, but she was

mistaken. She wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck and held her

tightly.

“I love you, Alex,” she whispered. “We need to work on your

insecurities. I want to help.”

Alex tightened her hold, relief washing through her entire

body. “I’ve already decided on a big step.”

“Yeah?” Jennifer pulled back to look at her. “What’s that?”

“I’m going to call my old principal tomorrow, see if there’s

anything—even part time—available.” She sighed. “I miss teaching,

Jennifer.”

Jennifer hugged her again, her excitement contagious. “Alex,

that’s great! I’m so proud of you.” She was quiet, holding tightly to

her lover. Then she spoke softly. “I know this won’t be easy. As a

matter of fact, I’m certain that it will be very hard much of the time.

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There will be lots of bumps and I can guarantee that I won’t handle

all of them well. It’s going to be a rough ride for a while, but there’s

nobody I’d rather take it with than you.”

Alex pulled back to look Jennifer in the eye. “You’re sure?”

Jennifer nodded.

“What about Eric?” Alex nibbled her bottom lip.

“Eric and I talked. We understand each other. I’ll go see a law-

yer tomorrow. It was much more amicable than I’d expected.” She

focused on Alex’s mouth, a pang hitting her low in her belly. “And

stop doing that with your lip or I won’t be held responsible for my

actions.”

Alex grinned. “I certainly won’t hold you responsible.”

Jennifer leaned forward and kissed Alex softly. “Then follow

me inside…”

Chapter

Eighteen

The snowflakes were falling softly to the ground. There hadn’t

been a good covering yet, just a dusting or two, but it was only early

December. We never get off that easy around here, Alex thought.

We’re in for it; we just don’t know when.

Despite the fact that there was very little snow, it was down-

right frigid as Alex sat in her car with the engine running, the heat

blasting on her feet as she waited for Jennifer to do her thing. She

blew on her icy hands, which had her fingers crossed inside her mit-

tens. She knew Jennifer was nervous, but Alex had a good feeling.

After talking about it for weeks, Jennifer had actually worked

up the nerve to have more than a superficial conversation with the

Daisy Woman. That’s how the two lovers referred to the mysterious

woman in the cemetery until they finally learned that her name was

Carol. Jennifer had told Alex the story of how she’d run into Carol

that first time at the cemetery and watched as she’d put fresh daisies

on Jennifer’s dad’s grave. She told Alex of her theory, that her

father had had an affair with the woman and how she was just itch-

ing to find out more. She wisely waited until she’d worked through

her own anger and demons about her father’s infidelity. She’d used

her relationship with Eric and her attraction to Alex as a compari-

son, finally understanding how what her father did could happen,

and finally able to let her anger with him go.

Alex remembered the day Jennifer actually spoke to Carol for

longer than sixty seconds, actually had a mini conversation. She

was giddy. She’d come home so high and excited, it made Alex

smile just to watch her animated retelling of the conversation. She’d

come clean to Carol right away, which was a relief to Alex. She’d

been afraid that Jennifer wouldn’t tell the woman exactly who she

was and that would only be hurtful down the line. They’d only spo-

ken a little bit; it was obviously quite awkward for both of them, but

Jennifer said she’d felt a real connection, like Carol was somebody

with whom she could be friends. Good friends.

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It took a while for them to trust one another. They still only

talked at the cemetery, but Jennifer was about to take a big step. As

Alex waited in the car on that Saturday morning in December in the

cemetery parking lot, Jennifer was going to invite Carol to Christ-

mas dinner with them.

“She doesn’t have anybody,” Jennifer had said sadly to Alex,

earlier in the week. “She’s going to be alone on Christmas. That’s

just wrong.”

“You don’t have to convince me, baby. I think it’s a great idea.”

“You’re sure? You don’t feel like it will be an intrusion on our

day together?”

“Christmas is for sharing. You’re right. Nobody should be

alone. Invite her. It’ll be great.”

They were each feeling the sting of rejection by their own fami-

lies, made more painful by the approach of the holidays. Jennifer’s

mother had completely cut her off. Alex wasn’t speaking to hers.

Neither mother could handle the relationship of their daughters and

both made it about them. Alex slumped down in her seat and

thought back on the last three and a half months.

Leona Foster was flabbergasted that her daughter would have

the nerve to return to the same school where everybody knew she

was a lesbian—Alex could almost hear her voice as she sneered the

word in a harsh whisper. She’d called to admonish Alex, make her

understand how humiliating it would be, and though Alex could

feel the pellets of guilt developing in the pit of her stomach as they