Through The Eyes of A Hoodrat (6 page)

I didn’t tell my mama what was going
on since I knew she would make matters worse with her ranting.
However, I did make up a lie about there being a gas leak in my
building so she would agree to keep the kids for the night until we
could go back in the building. I decided to go home for the night.
Tato and Ladaya’s crib was too small and besides, I wasn’t trying
to overstay my welcome.

Once I got home I plopped down on my
king size Rent-A-Center bed and got comfortable. I figured I might
as well enjoy it before they came and picked it up the next day. I
went through my mail and and noticed I had multiple letters from
S.S.I. After ripping them open and scanning them, I saw that all of
them said the same thing. After numerous failed doctor’s
appointments everyone in the house needed to be re-evaluated for
eligibility.

If it wasn’t one thing it was another.
I didn’t know that you had to remain eligible to continue receiving
S.S.I. I just figured once you get it and continue filling
prescriptions you were good. The checks were my lifeline and if I
lost them things would definitely go from sugar to shit. As soon as
the morning came I would make sure I made all the necessary
appointments to comply with S.S.I. I didn’t give a damn if I had to
take my kids in there pretending to piss and drool on
themselves.

I decided to call Ladaya to see how
she was doing and share my stress.

“Hey bitch,” I said, when she picked
up.

“Hey Sierra,” she said, with a little
bit of a sigh.

“Guess what, these motherfuckers
talking about cutting off my damn check,” I exaggerated, while
ignoring the sound of stress in her own voice.

“Word? What they say?” she asked,
uninterested.

“Talking bout I missed too many
appointments and shit. It’s always some bullshit with them,” I
complained.

“Well you did miss a lot of
appointments. I told ya ass to get up and go. They giving you all
that money, the least you can do is get up and go to some
appointments.”

“Here you go. But wassup with you? How
my godbaby doing?” I asked, making small talk.

“The baby’s ok, but wassup with yall?”
she asked suspiciously. “Tato been acting super funny since yall
came in last night. He talking about us going to stay out with his
mom and everything. Ain’t nobody trying to go way out to Jersey and
stay with Sheila,” Ladaya complained, referring to my aunt. She
couldn’t stand her either.

“You never know Day, it could be good
for yall,” I said. “Hold on, I got a beep,” I told her when I
noticed I had an incoming call from a private number.

“Hello?” I asked. No response.
“Hellooo?” I asked again. Still no response. I hung up and clicked
back over.

“Somebody playing on my phone,” I
said. I had an idea who it was but I wasn’t worried. Soon my phone
would be disconnected and I wasn’t going to keep saying hello to
give anyone enough time to locate me by a cell phone.

“Listen Day I gotta go. Tell Tato to
call me in the morning.”

“Aight, later skank,” she said. I
disconnected the call. I hadn’t even bothered telling Ladaya I was
leaving the next day. The less people knew the better. I loved my
girl to death but she talked too much for me. I closed my eyes and
relaxed, eventually falling asleep.

ELEVEN

I woke up abruptly to somebody beating
the fuck out my door. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM, was all I heard as someone
pounded away. I wiped sleep out of my eyes and stumbled to see who
it was. My heart was hammering in my chest from being woken up so
abruptly. I glanced at the clock in the dark hall and noticed it
was 2:16 in the morning.

I got to the door and looked out the
peephole. It was Ladaya. I swung open the door to find out what was
going on for her to be banging like the police. I definitely didn’t
feel like hearing shit about Tato at this time of
morning.

“Yo!” I said with attitude as I stared
at her.

“Get ya shit bitch, ya mom called, her
fucking house is on fire!” she cried. Panic ripped through my body
as I finally thought about my children.

“What?!” I asked, not believing her. I
raced to my phone to call her and saw that I had multiple missed
calls. I immediately tried to call my mama back but it just rang. I
threw on some flip flops and didn’t even bother to put anything
over the nightie I was wearing. I had to get my kids.

***

Ladaya and I arrived to my mama’s
house in ten minutes since there was no traffic. Upon arriving I
watched angry flames rip through my mother’s house like it was made
of paper. The scene was surreal, like I was in a movie. Firemen ran
with hoses, scrambling to put out the fire while police did their
best to contain the scene and the growing crowd of
neighbors.

I saw my mother sitting in a nearby
ambulance wrapped in a thin, blue blanket and rushed over to her.
Ladaya followed close behind me. I looked around for my kids but I
didn’t see them. As I approached my mother, I went to say something
but was greeted with her fists. My mother smacked, kicked, and
punched me like I was a bitch in the streets. Not knowing what to
do, Ladaya stood and watched until the police pulled her off
me.

“Look what you’ve done!” she screamed
almost demonically. “Look what you’ve done!” she continued to cry.
“You killed them!” she screamed.

I looked to the officer for an
explanation. My head was throbbing and blood ran from my
nose.

“Are you her daughter? Were they your
children in the house?” the officer asked.

My heart dropped. He said “were.”
“What happened?” I cried. “Please tell me what happened?” I
screamed.

“Two children perished in the fire.
The third child is being airlifted to Children’s Hospital of
Philadelphia. When he said that, I passed out.

TWELVE

When I woke up it was daylight and I
was in a private room at Nazareth Hospital. I had been sedated and
the doctors were monitoring my heart because of the extreme stress
of the events. I saw Ladaya and Tato sitting in the corner of the
room, while uniformed police officers stood guard at my door. The
hospital Chaplain soon came in along with an investigating officer
to redeliver the devastating news that I lost two of my children
and Todd in the fire that took my mother’s house and landed her in
the Psych Ward on suicide watch.

The investigating officer explained
how my mother’s house and been firebombed. Someone had taken gas
filled soda bottles and lit them before throwing them through four
windows. My heart ached knowing that I was the cause of the deaths.
I knew it was Dock or someone he had sent. I wanted so badly to
tell the officer who it was but I couldn’t. Tato was giving me a
look that told me to keep my mouth shut. Besides, I knew that if I
told them what I knew we would both be tied to Tim’s murder in
Delaware. Our lives would never be the same.

Mookie was recovering from smoke
inhalation but had survived the fire because she was sleeping in
the bed with my mama and Todd. Dayday and RJ died from becoming
trapped in the house and Todd died from smoke inhalation and burns
trying to save them. The fire was too intense to pull their bodies
out.

All I could do was curl up and cry. I
wanted to die but I shook the thoughts because I knew I had been
selfish enough. I would live in grief until I finally did die. My
greed had destroyed my family and other families.

Todd’s family was inconsolable and
when Avery arrived he was borderline possessed. He tried to attack
me while I lay in the bed, screaming how I was an unfit mother and
I should’ve died with his daughter because I should have been with
her, taking care of her, being a mother. The only reason he left
was because the police immediately tackled him down and Tato
threatened to beat him unconscious. Rahdee was surprisingly quiet.
That is, until my mother’s sister showed up.

Aunt Shelia came all the way from
Jersey to show her ass and as soon as she stepped foot in the door,
she did just that.

“Sierra Mercedes you’s a little slimy
bitch,” she barked as soon as she walked in the room. Tato and
Ladaya looked at each other and immediately began shushing her to
get her to be quiet.

“Officers I want her ass out of here
now!” I yelled. Aunt Shelia had the audacity to bring that bullshit
up in the hospital when everyone was grieving.

“Bitch you put me out! You sitting up
in here with people consoling ya ass when it was your fucking
fault! Whoever did the shit was after you! And I talked to my
sister late last night and she told me that Todd confessed to her
that RJ was his fucking son! The only reason he told her is because
he figured you were going to start blackmailing him for money after
you told him you were in trouble! How could you do that to your
mother?” she asked angrily. Everyone stared at me and the look
Rahdee gave me pierced my already broken heart.

“What the fuck?” he asked me, with a
bewildered look on his face.

“That’s right, that nasty bitch was
fucking her step dad and he got her pregnant. He confessed he had
been giving you money for years. All the while you had another
nigga believing he was the daddy,” she continued, not knowing that
the “other nigga” was right in the room.

“Sierraaa,” Ladaya said sadly, while
shaking her head.

I didn’t even respond. I had nothing
to say to get myself out of the mess. I knew that eventually I
would have to answer for my sins. However, I didn’t think it would
be this soon. Rahdee walked out of the room and Ladaya got up and
followed him out. They didn’t have to tell me I wasn’t shit, I
already knew it.

A week later I spread my kid’s ashes
over the same creek water where my brother Chris was. I too didn’t
even have enough money to bury my kids properly. Todd was put to
rest by his family but of course I wasn’t welcome to attend. My
mother still remained on the psychiatric ward of Nazareth Hospital
and it didn’t look like she was leaving anytime soon. Todd and the
kids were her life and they had been taken from her. The doctors
said she had a nervous break-down but I only knew through word of
mouth since my Aunt threatened to beat my ass if I stepped a foot
near my mother. My mother had made Aunt Shelia the executor of her
estate if anything ever happened to her. I had no rights whatsoever
when it came to her.

I was released from the hospital the
same day my kids were cremated. Before I left I was served with
papers from Avery’s lawyer filing for sole custody of Mookie. I
wasn’t going to fight. I knew he would take good care of her. My
life was big, fat mess.

Tato came to pick me up but he was
still distraught from the events and we sat quietly in thought the
whole way back to his house. When we arrived I slowly got out and
entered with my bags. It looked like a tornado had ripped through
the house.

“What happened?” I asked. Everything
was knocked over and it looked like someone had been
fighting.

“Where’s Ladaya,” I asked. Tato never
even bothered to answer my first question.

“She left,” he said
quietly.

“What do you mean she left?” I asked
curiously, before walking around and going to look for
her.

“She left…She left me.”

“What?” I asked confused.

“The bitch fucking left me. It wasn’t
my baby,” he said sadly, before burying his head in his hands to
muffle his cries. I knew he loved Ladaya, but damn. I had never
seen my cousin cry.

“Oh my God Tato. I swear I didn’t
know,” I admitted.

The news came as a major shock to me.
She hadn’t told me she was fucking around with anyone else other
than Quays friend that used to come around when I was with Rahdee.
However, I thought she had ended that right after she hooked up
with Tato. And the bitch had the nerve to be shaking her head at me
when Aunt Shelia revealed Todd was RJ’s father.

“Did she say who the dad was?” she
asked. He didn’t bother to respond so I figured I would leave well
enough alone.

That night I didn’t sleep. I woke up
at 4am and took my only bag and left. I caught a cab to my old
house where my Expedition had been parked for a week and got on the
road. I planned to start fresh. I knew it was going to be a long
time before Avery let me back in Mookie’s life. However, I wasn’t
worried though, I knew he would come around.

I thought I would soften up once I
came to grips with the death of my children, but surprisingly my
heart had grown colder. I had no room left for love and I no longer
believed in a higher power. I would be the giver and taker of life.
God had taken so much from me. Virginia niggas were about to feel
my wrath.

TWO MONTHS LATER

“I love you too baby,” I said to
Mookie before she hung up.

It had been several months since I
moved away and Mookie was coping really well. Avery allowed me to
talk to her everyday but it would still be some time before I saw
her.

I hadn’t heard from Ladaya or my
cousin Tato since I left. Tato had probably made his way back to
New Jersey to live with mean ass Aunt Shelia. My mother was still
getting counseling at Nazareth Hospital and I of course was still
doing me.