Three’s a Crowd (51 page)

Something shifted in his expression. ‘What are you saying?'

‘Nothing you haven't said yourself,' Rachel said plainly. ‘It didn't matter what anyone else thought, but this had to be okay with the girls.'

‘It's okay with Hannah.'

‘Because Hannah's never going to imagine you'll send her packing off to her real father.'

He looked a little stunned at that.

‘I heard you and Sophie talking last night, at least some of it.'

‘She knows that's not going to happen, Rachel,' said Tom.

‘Maybe on one level, but that's how insecure she's feeling, poor kid. I know what that's like, I was around the same age. My parents chose jobs and partners and pretty much anything over me, and it broke my heart, Tom.'

He shook his head. ‘So that's what this is really all about,' he said, getting to his feet. ‘This is your stuff again, Rachel, running away from a relationship, from uni, from life, when it all gets too hard.'

She stood there, trembling, her eyes filling. ‘You think that's what I'm doing? That this is about me? I'm not twenty years old
any more, Tom, I've figured out a few things. I know that you love me, and I do love you, so much, and I want to be with you more than anything, but this is not about us. I promise I'm not taking the easy way out.' Her voice broke. ‘This doesn't feel easy to me. Walking away from you feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.'

He crossed the room and caught her up in his arms as she collapsed into tears. ‘I'm sorry, I'm so sorry,' he said, holding her close. ‘I love you, Rachel, I just don't want to lose you. We can find a way to make this work.'

She drew back, wiping her eyes with her hands. ‘It's not that simple, Tom. Sit down, you have to listen to me.'

They sat facing each other, Tom rested his arm across the back of the couch, stroking her shoulder.

‘This is not just about Sophie,' Rachel began. ‘We had all these grand plans about “coming out” to everyone so that we could be together all the time. But how was that ever going to work?'

He frowned. ‘What are you saying?'

She looked at him directly. ‘Did you expect me to sleep with you in Annie's bed?'

‘No, of course not.'

‘So what were we going to do?'

He hesitated for a moment. ‘Well, I'm not sure, I hadn't really thought about it.'

‘I know,' said Rachel. ‘You haven't thought about anything much, Tom. You've been telling me how unhappy you were with your life, but what have you done except latch onto me and expect me to slot into that same life? I suppose in a few years' time you would have got drunk one night and slept with someone else because you felt trapped and unhappy.'

‘Rachel,' he protested, ‘that's not fair.'

‘I'm just saying, I can't be a replacement for Annie,' she said. ‘You said it yourself.'

‘I didn't mean . . . I was just trying to reassure Sophie that no one was ever going to replace her mother.'

‘I understand that, Tom. I know I can't replace Annie, and that's the thing, I don't want to. I don't want to live Annie's life with you.'

‘We don't have to, we'll make our own life together,' he said. ‘Maybe we should sell the house –'

‘Maybe you should,' Rachel agreed. ‘Maybe that would be the very best thing for all of you. But you have to decide that together, you can't do it for me, Sophie will resent it.'

‘And Sophie will get over it,' he snapped then, getting to his feet and walking away, annoyed.

‘What if she doesn't, Tom?' said Rachel. ‘What if she acts out, like the other night. You think a little under-age drinking is as bad as it's going to get? She could make life hell for us if she chose to, and nobody would win in that scenario. Not you and me, not Hannah, and certainly not Sophie. But far worse than that would be if she decided to withdraw, go inside herself, fly under the radar.' Rachel took a breath. ‘She has no one else, Tom. No one. You have to try and understand what it's like for her, you've always had people around you who love you, who would do anything for you. My God, your parents drove through the night to be with you after Annie died. Now you have to be that person for Sophie. She needs to know you're going to be there for her.'

He turned around to look at her. ‘Okay, I get that. But why can't I be there for her and still be with you? Isn't it better for the girls if their father is happy?'

She was shaking her head. ‘You know what, I think that kind of attitude is a cop-out from adults who want to justify selfish behaviour. It's bullshit,' she said. ‘Sophie said the idea of us together was “sick”. You're not going to convince her otherwise right now by showing her how happy I make you. And Hannah thinks we're in a romantic comedy – as long as I tear the lettuce the way her mother did, and use her bowl, and fit right in, Hannah will be fine. Because she's trying to patch up her life, that's all she knows how to do at her age.'

Tom was quiet, his head bent, listening.

‘You ask a kid what matters to them most,' Rachel went on, ‘they're not going to say their parents' happiness. That's not their responsibility, Tom. They need to know that it's their happiness that's important, that they matter, that someone would miss them if they weren't around.' She swallowed down
the lump rising in her throat. ‘I didn't have that till I met you, you know.'

‘Rach . . .' He walked back over to the couch and sat, taking her in his arms and holding her close.

‘I don't think I knew until I went away how much you meant to me,' she said tearfully, leaning against his chest. ‘And then it was too late. You met Annie. We just can't seem to get the timing right.'

He drew back to look at her. ‘Well, that's the thing, Rach, it is just timing,' he said. ‘I know I have to focus on the girls right now, but then –'

‘No, Tom,' she stopped him. ‘That can't be in the back of your mind, marking off days on the calendar like you're serving time. That's not going to work.'

He leaned his forehead against hers. ‘I don't want to leave you alone, Rach. I said I wouldn't, I promised.'

‘I know you did, and it's not your fault, it's no one's fault. We have to do the right thing now.'

‘I wish we could go back, before everyone found out, at least we could still be together.'

She lifted her head to look at him. ‘But Sophie knew, remember?'

Tom sighed. ‘What are you going to do?'

‘You don't have to worry about that. You just worry about the girls. They need you, Tom, they need their dad.'

Rachel didn't know how much time had passed since Tom had left, but the flat was in darkness now. She was still sitting in the same spot on the couch, curled up, hugging herself. She should probably get up, make some dinner. But she wasn't hungry. Odd that, how you could feel so completely empty inside, but food was the last thing you wanted.

She told Tom not to keep in touch; she didn't want updates, she didn't want to have to counsel him, it would be too hard. It had to be a clean break. As if there was such a thing. Breaks were painful and messy and hard. There was no way to fast forward through the next few days, weeks and months, to when it might,
she could only hope, get a little easier. No, Rachel knew she had to live through every moment of this. And what was worse, she had to do it without Tom.

She had never felt so alone.

Scott had got up early and gone to work without waking anyone in the house. The kids had even slept in a little. Lexie enjoyed just pottering about, taking the morning slowly, spending time with her children. After she put Mia down for her nap, and Riley was ensconced in front of a DVD, she attacked the house in earnest, catching up on a week's worth of housework. It actually felt restorative. Maybe she had a tendency to veer towards perfectionism, but it just felt like God was in his heaven and all was right with the world when her house was in order. In the late afternoon, she bathed the children in the sparkling clean bathroom and made them their favourite pasta dish for an early dinner, so they were already asleep when Scott arrived home.

She met him at the door with a kiss and a hug. ‘You didn't have to go to work today, I would have gone.'

‘No, you deserved a break,' he said. ‘Kids in bed already?'

‘Yeah, you've had plenty of time with them lately, and you're off tomorrow, so I wanted you to myself tonight.'

He smiled. ‘Sounds good to me.'

She led him down into the living room. ‘Do you want a drink, a beer?'

He shook his head. ‘I had enough to drink last night.' He dropped into the sofa. ‘That was some night.'

Lexie sat next to him, side on so she could face him. ‘I'm still in shock about Tom. It's bad enough about him and Rachel, but to think he slept with Catherine before Annie died. They were so happy, they were the perfect couple. Why would he do that?'

‘You don't know what goes on behind closed doors, love.'

‘Oh, come on, Scott, I'm sure Annie didn't know anything about it, she was crazy about Tom.' She sighed. ‘I just don't know how I feel about him now.'

Scott looked at her. ‘I'm not going to make excuses for him, can't understand it myself. But I will just say that Catherine would be pretty hard to fight off if she wanted you bad enough, I reckon.'

‘Doesn't excuse it, Scott.'

‘No it doesn't,' he agreed. ‘But he did say it was a mistake, and it only happened once.'

‘With Catherine,' she said. ‘Now it's Rachel.'

‘That's not the same thing,' said Scott. ‘You can't say he was cheating with Rachel.'

‘Then why did they have to sneak around?' said Lexie. ‘It just doesn't sit right. If they thought there was nothing wrong with what they were doing, surely they could have been open about it?'

Scott shrugged. ‘But look at the way you're reacting,' he pointed out. ‘You're one of the most understanding people I know, Lexie, and you're judging them.'

‘I'm not judging them!' she protested. But Scott just looked at her. ‘Okay, I'm judging them,' she sighed. ‘It just seems . . . weird, I don't know. He was married to her friend.'

‘But didn't Tom and Rachel have some history together?' Scott asked. ‘They knew each other long before he met Annie, right?'

Lexie nodded.

‘Well, I don't know if it's all that weird,' he said. ‘I was thinking about this today, and you know what I reckon? If Annie had been sick for a while, if she knew she was going to die, let's say, I reckon she's the type who would have been looking out for somebody for Tom.'

‘You think?'

‘Yeah, you know that way she had about her?' he smiled faintly. ‘That whole new-age thing, that there was a reason for everything. I always liked Annie, she was a lovely person, but I did think she was a little loopy, you know.'

Lexie couldn't help smiling now. ‘Did you?'

He nodded. ‘And I reckon she would have been looking out
for someone for Tom, and Rachel would definitely have made the shortlist.'

Lexie shrugged. ‘I guess we'll never know.'

‘Tell me this, do you think if she's up there somewhere, floating around, she'd be upset about the two of them being together?' he asked. ‘She'd be pissed off about Catherine, but I think she'd be okay about Tom and Rachel.'

Lexie thought about it. ‘Maybe you're right, but it just seems too soon, that's all.' She looked at Scott. ‘I mean, if I died, could you imagine finding someone that quickly?'

‘Oh no, you're not going to get me to go there,' Scott shook his head. ‘That's what's known as a minefield.'

Lexie nudged him. ‘Oh, come on, tell me the truth, I want to know.'

He took her hand and held it to his heart. ‘Lexie, if anything ever happened to you, God forbid, I would never lay eyes on another woman ever again. In fact, I'd go into a monastery. And I'd have myself castrated.'

‘Good answer,' she said, leaning over to kiss him soundly on the lips. ‘I love you, Scott. I'm so sorry about the way I carried on last night.'

‘No, you were only reacting to me being such an arsehole,' he said. ‘I'm sorry, Lex, I was completely out of line. It's just, when you started changing things, and fixing things, it felt like you didn't think I'd been doing a good job. And then when you said as much . . .'

‘I was just angry that night,' she insisted, ‘and tired and cranky, and I went for your sore spot.'

‘What sore spot?'

Lexie looked at him. ‘Scott, you know you're very sensitive about being seen to provide for your family.'

‘What's wrong with that?'

‘Nothing, nothing at all, it's sweet. But sometimes I think you should just get over it. You've supported this family since Riley was born, you don't have to prove anything any more.'

He sighed. ‘Lexie, this is hardly the life your parents had in mind for you.'

‘You have the wrong idea about my parents, Scott.'

‘No, I don't,' he said plainly. ‘They're good people, I know that, they love me because you love me, but Lexie, admit it, they would have preferred you ended up with someone who could give you the kind of life they'd given you. That's what parents want for their kids. There'd be something wrong with them if they didn't.'

Lexie thought about it. ‘Well, it doesn't matter . . . This is the only life I want for myself, because you're in it. I couldn't be happy with more money or a bigger house if I didn't have you, so it's a moot point. Okay?'

‘Okay,' said Scott as he brought his arms around her and drew her close.

‘And you know what else?' she said, cuddling into his chest. ‘I love working with you, Scott, I love being involved in the business. Do you think we can find a way to make it work?'