This Way to Paradise (18 page)

‘Magical process? Doesn't feel like it.'

‘It will. You're going through a metamorphosis. Like what a caterpillar goes through. I mean, can you imagine? There you are one day, crawling along the ground with lots of legs; you know your way around; life is pretty cool; you're green and then suddenly it all starts to disappear. You find yourself receding, caught in a cocoon, dissolving.'

I laughed. ‘Yeah. That must be way scary, but last time I looked I only had two legs and I'm not green!'

Liam didn't laugh.‘I know that, India. I'm just trying to make you understand something,' he said. ‘Imagine you were in a cocoon and you have to stay there for ages. Can you imagine what must go on in the caterpillar's head? Like, woah, help, trapped, don't like it. But it's part of a process, a process that moves him on and, when he emerges from the cocoon, he's not a boring old caterpillar any more – he's a butterfly with beautiful wings, and he can fly.'

‘Yeah,' I said.‘I guess that is like magic, really.'

‘That's what's happening to you, India. I think all these things around in creation are clues to tell us what can happen to us, to say, hey, don't be afraid when you feel like you've got the wrong body on; don't be afraid if you feel hemmed in; it's part of a process. The in-between. I think that's what's happening to you. You're changing from a caterpillar into a beautiful butterfly.'

It was such a shame that I didn't fancy Liam. He said such wonderful things and was kind and attentive – the perfect boy in so many ways, but the chemistry just wasn't there . . . He smelled strange to me – not bad, like he didn't wash, but like boiled butter. Not a turn-on scent for me. He was looking at me again with his earnest look that made me want to do something silly, like go cross-eyed and pull a daft face to break the moment.

‘And you know the way out of that cocoon?' asked Liam.

I shook my head.

‘Meditate,' he said and looked up into the sky. ‘And then you'll fly.'

I suddenly had an image of Erin doing her ‘I'm going to throw up' routine and had to suppress an overwhelming urge to lie back on the sand and laugh hysterically. Liam was
so
intense. And then I saw Joe go past and look my way. He gave me the briefest of nods and I so wished that Liam wasn't sitting so close.
Joe must think we're an item.
I tried to casually move away a little. I didn't want to hurt Liam's feelings – I did value him as a
friend. I faked a stretch, then rubbed my leg and hobbled up. ‘My leg's gone dead,' I said as I glanced around to see where Joe had gone.

He was walking back up the slope. He didn't look back.

By the beginning of the fourth week, I felt I was more focused and a new, more peaceful me was starting to emerge. At least, that's what I thought. Kate was the first to let me know what she thought about my new-found view on life.

‘Do you want these mags?' I said as I put a pile that I'd finished with on the end of my bed one morning after breakfast.

‘Why? Are they too worldly for you?' asked Kate, lolling back against her pillows.

‘No. I've read them,' I said, although actually she was right. I had been particularly inspired by what Sensei had been saying in the morning talk about people's need for constant stimulation and how it stole away appreciation of the here and now. I
had decided to get rid of everything that distracted me, starting by giving away my magazines and packing away my iPod, and I resolved to only read books that were uplifting and, as Sensei said,‘were food for the soul'.

Kate looked at me for a long moment. ‘You've changed,' she said.

‘How?'

‘You've become boring.'

‘Boring?'
I was surprised. I'd been expecting her to comment on how serene I'd become, not boring!

‘Yeah. As in killjoy. And weird.'

‘Like how?' I asked. I felt hurt by her reaction and the way she'd been treating me ever since I had joined the meditation group. She seemed to take every opportunity to put me or Sensei or one of his followers down.

‘“Sensei said this, Sensei said that. Liam said this, Liam said that.” Like you haven't got a brain of your own any more – or have you given it away along with your soul?'

‘Of course I haven't. I've just found something that works for me. I'm getting a lot out of it.'

‘Could have fooled me. You don't seem any happier. I don't think it's done you any good at all.'

‘You can't judge until you've tried it for yourself . . .' I began.

‘I bet that's another of Sensei's little sayings, yeah?'

I shook my head. Actually it was one of Liam's. He said that people were always so quick to have an opinion about people
like Sensei and what he did, and they were usually people who knew nothing about him or hadn't tried his meditation.

I tried to focus on my breath and not get into a row. Only this morning, Sensei had been saying how we are so quick to react and if we just took a few breaths to calm down then we could go beyond anger and annoyance.

‘Hey, Robin's been asking after you,' said Kate. ‘I think he'd like to see you to apologise for that night on the beach. You should come out with us again one day before we leave.'

‘Tell him apology accepted. I don't need to see him.'

Kate looked annoyed. ‘So what am I supposed to tell him? That you're too stuck up now to spend time with the likes of us?'

‘I'm not stuck up. How could you say that? I'm just into different things now, Kate.'

‘Don't I know it. I hardly see you these days.'

‘I'd have thought you'd have been glad not to have me hanging on.'

Kate shook her head. ‘No. Actually I liked having you around.'

‘You could come and listen to Sensei and learn how to meditate.'

‘Yeah, right,' said Kate. ‘I'd rather cut off an arm.'

She got up and started stomping about the place. As she packed her shades and cigarettes into her bag, I decided to leave her to it. If she wouldn't even give Sensei a chance, there was
nothing I could do. I wasn't going to get into arguing, I simply left the bungalow and went to check my e-mails.

There were five.

One from Erin saying:

Oi, nutjob. Where 4 art thou an all and all?

She still doesn't get how important this is to me,
I thought as I went on to the next one which was from Dylan. He had copied and pasted a bunch of articles about the dangers of joining spiritual cults. I was tempted to e-mail back something mad, like: Too late! I have shaved my head and given away all my worldly possessions and am no longer India Jane. I am now Sister Umbongobongo ji. But I knew that Dylan was a worrier and had my best interests at heart, so I wrote him a quick message back saying I hadn't joined a cult and he wasn't to worry.

By the tone of Mum and Dad's message, they had the same concerns as Dylan, but I didn't feel so strongly about putting their minds at rest.

India, please reply. We called but you were down on the beach listening to this teacher you mentioned. Sarah says you've been attending his classes. I'd love to hear all about it. Keep your mobile on between three and four and I'll call then. Love Mum.

Been a while Cinnamon Girl. Give your old papa a ring.

Let them worry about me,
I thought as I read their messages and decided not to reply. Not yet, anyway. Aunt Sarah had clearly been filling them in a little so they knew that I was at least still alive. I'd let them think that it was me that was busy busy.
Me
that had a life.
Let's see how you like it,
I thought, moving on to the next one which was from Lewis.

Checking in sis. Hear you've joined a nunnery. Call the old ones and let them know you haven't lost the plot. Love the groovster Lewis.

I could tell that he had been put up to it by Mum or Dad. Mum probably. She was back in England now with Dylan while Dad continued with the tour. I could just imagine Mum, Lewis and Dylan sitting round the table in Notting Hill talking about me. Mum had probably asked Lewis and Dylan to be subtle about finding out what they could, but both of them were as transparent as glass.

Liam came in just as I was replying to Lewis and I filled him in on the various reactions from my family and Kate.

‘Ah, yes,' he said.‘To be expected. Many people are threatened by change in those they think they know. Don't let it worry you. It is only the dark in them resisting.'

I nodded. ‘I thought that's what it was.'

‘You have to be strong, India. Be true to what you know even if it means leaving behind people who once knew you. You are
growing. Evolving. Embarking on the path. Kate isn't coming with you. When that happens, it sometimes means cutting ties.'

Fine by me,
I thought. Through the window I could see Kate coming up the slope and heading off towards the shuttle bus. She was with Joe and I guessed by the way that she was gesticulating as though frustrated about something, that they were talking about me.
Say what you like,
I thought.
I'm moving on to a place beyond desire and beyond attachments.
I felt more determined than ever to stay on the ‘path'.

‘When I got here,' I said, watching Kate get on the bus and Joe heading towards the dining area,‘all I could think about was going back to London. Now, I'm not even sure I want to go back at all. I'd like to stay in Greece. I've found my place. My new friends. My new family. I want to stay at the centre and keep learning.'

‘Not possible,' said Liam.‘It closes in October for the winter.'

‘Yeah. I know. Just daydreaming, I guess.' I already knew that the centre closed because I'd overheard Lottie and my aunt Sarah discussing who was going to stay on after school started for Kate and Joe in September. They'd decided that Aunt Sarah would go back to London, partly for Kate but also because the run-up to Christmas was one of the most important periods for her shops. She might pop back to Greece for a weekend, but Lottie would stay on to manage Cloud Nine for the last few weeks, while Joe was at home with his dad. They had also agreed that, although both were in the Sixth Form and supposedly young adults, Kate was more in need of supervision
than Joe. I didn't pass that bit of information on to Kate, as I thought it might start a world war when she and her mum had only just reached a truce of sorts and appeared to be getting on a lot better.

‘So where does Sensei go?' I asked Liam.

‘He spends his whole life travelling to different countries, teaching. Like he's only here for a short time; he never stays in one place too long. In fact, I think he's stayed here longer than he usually stays anywhere.'

‘So what are you going to do when he's gone?'

Liam shrugged. ‘Go back to school. I leave to go back to the Midlands next week. I have A-levels next year. My parents have insisted that I do them and they're hoping that I will go on to uni, but I have my own plans. I'm going to go to India and live in an ashram.'

‘What's an ashram?'

‘It's like a monastery. A place where there are no distractions. It's where you can really dedicate yourself to the spiritual path.'

‘Wow. Sounds like you'd have to live like a monk there.'

‘That's the idea. Maybe you should think about it too. It would be like full circle for you. You were born in India. Your name is India. It may well be your destiny that you go back to India. Maybe that's why you had to come to this place, to learn that.'

I felt a sense of rising panic.
Woah,
I thought.
Dunno if I'm ready for that – or is this a classic case of the darkness within me resisting the true path?

‘You could come with me,' Liam continued.‘You'll be sixteen by then. No one could stop you.'

‘I guess not,' I said. ‘But it seems like a big decision. Huge.'

Liam shrugged. ‘Yeah, but from what you've told me, it sounds like all your life your dad has dictated where you go and where you live and where he wants to send you in the summer holidays for his convenience. You've always followed his journey and he's given little thought to yours and if it even remotely lies in the same direction as his. At last, you could choose your own path or at least spend some time in the ashram thinking about what it is that you really want. Come and check it out, at least.'

Maybe,
I thought, though I wasn't sure that my path was that of a monk-type person. I had envisaged being more of a groovy bohemian arty-type person who shared a flat with Erin and gave fab dinner parties for interesting and creative people. Living with a bunch of people who dressed in white and got up at dawn to meditate hadn't exactly been part of my plan. But then, I hadn't known about Sensei or Liam or ashrams until recently. Was fate trying to steer my course in another direction? I wasn't sure.