This Time (8 page)

“It may take me a couple of days to get there. I’ll be flying Space A, not commercial, and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get a flight.”

“Where will you stay when you get here?” He would have to stay somewhere until he could find an apartment or a house, and it was certainly not going to be with her. Tara made a mental note to pick up a real estate guide at the supermarket this week.

“I’ll get a hotel room or something. I’ll have to find out where they put my car in storage so I can get it, but until then, I guess I’ll rent one,” he said thoughtfully.

“Are you coming back here on a permanent basis?” She’d just taken it for granted that he would, but now that Michael was getting discharged he could go anywhere. Maybe he’d come visit and then head back to Cincinnati to live. Tara remembered that was where he was from.

Michael was silent a long moment before responding, “I don’t have anywhere else to go. Everyone I have in the world is right there. You, Maddie, the team.”

Tara’s heart skipped a beat.
He’s completely alone. I’ve never been that alone.
“Then come here. I’ll find you an efficiency hotel until you can get an apartment.”

Silence. “Thank you, Tara. It means a lot that you would help me out.” In a rough voice he said, “I need to go. The nurse is due to come in anytime.”

“Okay. I guess I’ll talk to you later then.” Tara clenched the phone and pressed it hard against her ear. On one hand, she wanted to continue their conversation, hear his voice just a few more minutes. On the other hand, she wished he hadn’t called at all. It was ridiculously confusing.

“Bye Tara.”

The phone clicked and she replaced it on its charger.
How did he get my number?
Tara hadn’t thought to ask, but her home number was listed, so it was possible Mike had just looked it up online or called information.

Conflicted, she went in the kitchen and turned on the faucet to fill her coffee pot. She poured in the water and measured out the coffee grounds on autopilot. Tara knew Michael’s parents had been killed when he was young, and he’d been raised by an elderly grandmother. If he didn’t have anyone else, that meant his grandmother had passed away. He really was alone. The SEAL team would support him and remain in touch, but Michael wouldn’t be a part of it anymore. Other than that, he probably didn’t have anyone he considered a close enough friend to warrant a move to their location.

Since he was talking to her, Tara assumed there hadn’t even been a girlfriend left behind. If there had been a girlfriend, she was either out of the picture or the biggest bitch in the world since he’d said more than once he had no one else to talk to. Not to mention he wanted them to try again as a couple. Michael was a lot of things but not a cheater.

He’s going to want something. Especially after you practically told him last night that you did too.

Did she want something else from Michael besides a weekend father for Maddie? The coffeemaker dinged, indicating that her morning fuel was ready for consumption. Tara absently poured herself a cup and liberally added creamer. She wasn’t worried about a relationship developing between him and Madelynn. Maddie was an amiable little girl, and Tara didn’t think there would be a problem with a bond forming after a while. The problem, she mused, was that she might also form a bond. Michael may be a changed man, but was it even possible for her to move beyond the past? Would Tara ever be able to watch Maddie and Michael together and not remember that he hadn’t even acknowledged Maddie’s existence? Would she be able to take a chance that he wouldn’t revert back to his old ways once he was more adjusted and less fragile?

Tara had seen men in her father’s units with major injuries. She knew they were vulnerable for sometimes years afterward. Would Michael gradually adjust and years down the road change his mind about wanting to have a family? It was possible he’d truly changed and that he would live the rest of his life without ever going back to the way he was. But was that a chance Tara was willing to take? She sipped her coffee thoughtfully. Sighing, she walked into the living room, sat on the couch, and turned on the news.

Tara couldn’t make a judgment call yet. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. Once Michael had been around for a while, she would decide whether or not he was safe to get involved with. Tara sipped her coffee, trying not to burn her tongue. She closed her eyes and leaned back, trying to wipe her mind. She wanted to relax and have a conflict-free day, and she couldn’t do that if she was thinking about Michael. So Tara banished him from her thoughts as she turned her attention to the television.

Melinda brought Madelynn home around five o’clock that afternoon. Tara admitted grudgingly that she had specified after church but not how soon after church. Melinda handed Tara a bag from KFC as she came in the door. Madelynn trudged back to her room, mumbling something about how she’d rather spend the week at Grandma’s than go to school.

“I brought dinner for you guys. I’ve got to get back home, though. Your dad will eat a sandwich for dinner if I don’t take him something, and then he’ll get up in the middle of the night to eat again.” Melinda pulled paper plates from the cabinet and set out two places for Tara and Madelynn. “Did you have a good time with the girls this weekend?”

“Of course.” Tara hugged Maddie and ruffled her hair as she came into the dining room and sat down. “I missed my baby more, though.”

Maddie looked insulted. “Mommy, I’m not a baby. I’m a big girl. I know my ABCs and I can count to twenty-four. Sometimes I can count to twenty-five. I know my colors too.”

Melinda leaned down and kissed Maddie’s forehead. “Yes you can. But you will always be your mommy’s baby. Your mommy is still my baby.” Turning to Tara she said, “I’ll give you a call sometime this week. Don’t forget our Alaskan cruise sets sail in a week. I won’t be able to call from the boat, and we won’t be back for fourteen days.”

“Mom, I’m pretty sure the cruise ships have phones on them.” Tara had said this a thousand times since her mother had booked the cruise.

“Even so,” Melinda said, “I don’t think we’ll be making any phone calls.” She waggled her eyebrows at Tara and said, “We’ll be too busy.”

“Oh gross, Mom. Keep that to yourself.” No matter how old she got, Tara maintained her denial that her parents engaged in sex. It just seemed so…unnatural.

“Someday, Tara, you will be my age and discover that life still goes on after things begin to sag and turn gray.” Melinda called over her shoulder as she walked to the door.

“Sick, Mom!” Tara shuddered. “Bye, love you!”

“You too!” Melinda called as she closed the door.

Tara sat down at the table and spooned some mashed potatoes and cole slaw onto Madelynn’s plate, making sure nothing was touching. She dug in the box of chicken for a drumstick and handed it to Madelynn. Tara made herself a plate and took a bite of chicken, chewing thoughtfully.

“Mommy, what’s a damned jarhead?” Madelynn asked.

Tara choked. There was no need to ask where she’d heard that. Her father, a twenty-five-year Navy veteran, made it a point to insult any other branch of the military whenever possible. The only thing in question was who he was referring to. Michael was also a Navy vet, so it wasn’t him. Tara made a mental note to ask her mother next time she talked to her.

“Maddie, honey, it’s not nice to say that word.” Tara chastised gently.

“Jarhead?” Maddie asked, her eyes wide.

“No, the other one sweetie.” Tara resisted the urge to bury her face in her hands.

“Damned?” Maddie said innocently.

“Yes, honey. That’s not nice.” Tara took another bite of chicken and waited for Madelynn to remember her question.

“Then what’s a jarhead?” Maddie finally asked after a few bites of potatoes.

“It’s somebody that is in a different kind of military than Grandpa. They’re called Marines.” Tara answered.

“Okay,” Madelynn replied, happy with that answer. “Can I watch cartoons when I finish dinner?”

“No, you have to get a bath. You have school tomorrow. You can take a bath and then color before bed.” Madelynn’s bedtime was eight o’clock, and she usually spent at least thirty minutes in the bath before Tara forced her to get out.

“I’m full, Mommy. Can I go take a bath now?” Madelynn pushed her plate away.

“After I’m done, I’ll run a bath for you. Put your plate in the trash if you’re done, and put your spoon and cup in the sink.” Tara tried to make sure Madelynn picked up after herself. She didn’t want Maddie to grow up with no knowledge of basic housework skills and turn into a slob. And it was nice to have the help from time to time, even if Maddie’s chores were limited to picking up her toys and putting her books back on her bookcase. Maddie sat down and propped her chin on her hands.

“Mommy, what’s the matter?” she asked with the innocent perception only children have.

“I’m just a little confused about some grown-up things, honey. Nothing for you to worry about.” Tara finished her last piece of chicken and started cleaning off the table.

“Can I help, Mommy?” Madelynn asked, picking up the container of mashed potatoes and trying to fit the lid on.

“Yes, sweetie, you can help. Thank you.” Tara ruffled her hair, wondering how much longer Madelynn would be eager to help. She knew that the years of easy companionship with her daughter were getting fewer all the time. Madelynn would be a teenager in just eight short years, and it would be years after that before the teenage hormones died down enough for their camaraderie to return. She held open the refrigerator as Madelynn proudly placed the mashed potatoes on the shelf. Tara felt a twinge in her chest as she fondly scrolled through memories in her mind of the past five years.

Regardless of how she’d come about, Madelynn was the best and brightest thing in Tara’s life. That was something that couldn’t be bought. It was a gift, and Tara wanted to enjoy it as long as she could.

It’s a gift that should be shared.

For once, Tara listened to her subconscious. It was true. Michael should be part of Maddie’s life. He should get to share in the laughter and tears. He’d already missed the first five years. He shouldn’t have to miss any more. If he wanted to be part of his daughter’s life, Tara wouldn’t hold him back or begrudge him a single second. She would help him in whatever way he needed. Resolving to put aside the past, she took Madelynn through their evening rituals. First was a bath. Madelynn played with her mermaid dolls and splashed water all over the bathroom. Once she was dried off and in her pajamas, Tara set up Candyland, and they played two games before it was Madelynn’s bedtime. Snuggling down under her covers, Madelynn looked very seriously at her mother.

“Mommy, I hope you feel better.” She yawned and wrapped her arms around Tara’s neck and kissed her cheek. “Night Mommy. I love you.”

“Good night, Maddie. I love you too.” Tara turned off the light and closed the door. She walked into the living room and turned on the computer. Logging on, she saw that Michael was not online tonight. Tara frowned and turned the computer off. Where was he? Shrugging, she went to take a shower and go to bed. She would talk to him tomorrow.

Chapter 7

It was Wednesday before Tara talked to Michael again. Her week went on as usual. She tried to video chat with him every night, but he wasn’t online. Surprisingly, she was beginning to worry about him. But after Madelynn was bathed and in bed and she’d taken her own shower, she logged on and was surprised to find him waiting.

“Hi. I was getting a little concerned.” She smiled into the camera.

He looked miserable. Black circles darkened his eyes, and he looked thinner than he had just a few days ago. “It’s going to be a while before I can talk again,” he said softly. “I’ve got some things to work through. The psychiatrist won’t discharge me yet, and she’s right.” He scoffed. “I’m not fit to be around anyone right now, especially a five-year-old.”

Tara stared disbelievingly at the monitor. Now he wasn’t coming? “What do you mean? You seemed fine a few days ago!”

He pinched the bridge of his nose and said, “I couldn’t remember everything that happened, and now it’s…” His shoulders hunched and his voice broke. “It’s coming back now.” He scrubbed his hands roughly down his face, and even on a screen, she could see his eyes were bright with tears. “It’s all coming back and I…I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t think because all I see are flashes. I’ve got to work through this before I can come back. They won’t let me leave until they’re sure I won’t hurt myself or anyone else.”

“Michael…” she began.

He held his hand up. “Don’t. Just…” He took a shaky breath. “Just let me work this out. I don’t know how long it’ll take, but Tara…wait. Will you wait?”

“Wait for what, Michael?”

He clenched his jaw as a tear leaked from the corner of his eye. His voice trembled as he said, “Wait for me. Don’t get into anything serious. Wait, and give me a chance. I think…” He broke off again. “I think I need you.”

Tara’s heart broke. She opened her mouth to tell him she hadn’t been serious about anyone in five years and that wasn’t likely to change, but he’d already ended the session, and she didn’t have a chance.

He’d asked her to wait, and she wasn’t even sure she wanted to try a relationship again with him. How long did he want her to wait? A week? A month? A year? Did he have any right to ask that of her? Absolutely not, but he’d asked anyway. Troubled, Tara shut down her computer and went to bed. She was going to take a page from Scarlet O’Hara’s book and think about that tomorrow. Right then she wanted to focus on the fact that he’d said it was coming back.

She’d been very young when her father got back from Saudi Arabia, so she didn’t remember what he went through then. But she did remember his last deployment. He only did one tour in Iraq before he retired, and when he got home, he was a different person. He was quick to anger and wouldn’t speak to her or her mother for days at a time. She’d been enrolled in college and spent most of her weekends at home. One weekend in particular stuck in her mind. Just before he started to get a little better, he’d had a massive breakdown and punched a hole in the wall because her mother had forgotten to turn the light off when she left the living room. Immediately after, he’d crumpled. He’d gone into their bedroom and sobbed for the entire day before coming out that night and looking like a different man. What made it so unbelievable was that her father had never been a violent man. He’d gone to the VA hospital after that and was treated for PTSD. The doctors had told her mother that the road was a long one, and no one would be able to predict his mood swings. Now, eight years later, her father still couldn’t stand a lot of noise without his nerves getting the best of him. Would Michael go through something similar? Would he rage against the hand fate had dealt him? Would he have moments of complete panic for no reason at all? She was fairly certain he was being treated for PTSD because he’d mentioned flashbacks. She knew those had to be brutal. Her father hadn’t had hallucinations, but her mother had been warned to expect it. They’d told her that during the flashbacks, sufferers often weren’t able to distinguish past from present. Was it that severe for Michael? Tara’s heart broke for him. He’d already endured it once; it hardly seemed fair that he should have to go through it again and again. She turned off her bedside lamp and closed her eyes.