This Side of Heaven (24 page)

“Right.” Lindsay kissed Savannah’s cheek. “We have to go now. But I want you to remember us, okay?”

Savannah moved on to Nate and hugged him, too. But as she pulled away she looked confused by the good-byes. She turned to Annie. “Are you leaving, too?”

“I have to, honey. We live in Colorado, on the other side of the country.”

Her eyes lit up, but not like they’d done earlier in the afternoon. “How ’bout I go with you? My mama doesn’t want me.” She glanced at Nate. “She told me in the restaurant. She doesn’t want to be a mama anymore.”

The admission ripped at Annie and made her want to pack up the girl’s things and take her home. Let the courts figure out a way to make the arrangement legal. If Maria didn’t want her daughter, then Annie and Nate would be happy to step in. But Maria definitely wanted her daughter. As soon as she was sober, she would certainly come back to her senses. There could be no settlement money if she gave up Savannah. Thomas figured Maria and her attorney would pull out all the stops so that Maria could regain custody and get her hands on the money.

Annie gave her granddaughter one more long hug. What she was about to say next was only what she had to say, so that Savannah wouldn’t fear the life that lay ahead of her. “Listen to me, honey.” She searched Savannah’s eyes, the eyes that were so like Josh’s. “Your mother didn’t mean what she said. She’s sick right now, but when she gets better she’ll make things right with you.”

“Know something?” Savannah’s voice was too soft to hear across the room.

“What?” Annie touched her finger to the tip of her granddaughter’s nose.

“My mama doesn’t love Jesus. She told me she doesn’t believe like Grandpa Ted.”

Another blow, not that Annie was surprised. “Well, honey, maybe one day you’ll help her believe.” They needed to go. One afternoon was all Child Protective Services would allow given that Savannah was in emergency foster care. And now their plane was set to leave in just three hours. Annie cradled her hand around the back of Savannah’s head. “I’m going to ask Jesus every day that we have the chance to see you again. Okay?”

Savannah nodded. She looked shy again, her expression a mix of hurt and disappointment and a sorrow that seemed all too familiar. “I’ll ask Him, too.” She took a step back and gave each of them a little wave—Annie last. Then she hugged the picture of Josh to her chest. “Thank you for telling me about my daddy.”

Annie had brought the envelope from the car and now she handed it to Savannah. “Can you read, sweetie?”

“Not yet.” Again there was shame in her voice. “Mama said I could learn later. Right now we have to beg for money.”

Anger threatened to taint the moment. Annie gritted her teeth and made a mental note to talk to Thomas about Savannah’s living conditions. If the courts returned the child to her mother then the entire system was flawed. She put the thought out of her head for now. “Inside that envelope are the letters I told you about.” Her face softened and she squeezed Savannah’s hand once more. “The letters from your daddy. Keep them with your picture of him, so that one day you can read for yourself how much he loved you.”

“How much he still loves me.” Savannah held the photo tighter to herself. “People can love all the way from heaven.”

“Of course.” Annie kissed the top of Savannah’s head. “Inside the envelope is our phone number. In case you ever need anything.”

Savannah nodded, but the confusion in her eyes told them she didn’t really understand. She couldn’t possibly have understood how far away Colorado was, or why her daddy’s family was leaving so soon after finding her. When Annie couldn’t take another moment of the good-bye, she turned, left the house, and walked to the car. Nate and Lindsay followed, and the last image they saw as they pulled away for the airport was Savannah’s sweet pixie face in the front window of the foster parents’ house. Marti was beside her and Savannah wasn’t somber or pouting or indifferent.

She had one hand raised to the glass and she was sobbing.

TWENTY-FIVE

B
ack in the Springs the days passed slowly, each one drenched in the sadness of Josh’s absence. Every few afternoons, Annie called Thomas for an update, and one week after their return home from the quick visit to see Savannah, Thomas passed on word that a local judge had ruled Maria fit to regain custody of the child. No surprise, Annie knew. But when she read in Scripture that week about God’s faithfulness, she remembered the song at her son’s funeral service and the little girl on the other side of the country praying for a happy ending, and she had to wonder.

God had a plan, no doubt, but in this case she was better off not trying to make sense of it.

Annie debated the situation with Thomas, because she needed to talk to someone about the insanity of it. “The woman told Savannah she didn’t want to be a mother anymore.”

“I know.”

“She hit her on the face in front of a crowd of people.”

“The judge was aware of that.”

“So how, Thomas . . . how can they overlook her warrants and the fact that she begs for money and return Savannah to that environment?”

Thomas could only release a sigh that sounded drenched in futility. “I wish I could explain it, Annie. I’m sorry.”

The outcome for Savannah was exactly as they feared it might be, and as the day of the settlement neared, Annie was sure that Maria would do just what they expected— flee the city and any ties to the court or to the Warren family, most likely in case she might have to share the money if she kept in touch.

Now, with each day that passed, she not only missed Josh, but his little Savannah, too. She would always be glad for the few hours they’d had with the child, but it made the grief she and Nate and Lindsay shared even stronger than before. Annie kept her word and prayed every day that Jesus would allow them the chance to meet again, to know each other. But Jesus hadn’t let Savannah see her daddy, and now it didn’t look like the rest of them would ever get to see Savannah again, either.

The settlement came in late November. After three years of updates, depositions, hearings, and meetings, Thomas called with the news they’d been waiting for. The decision had been made. The judge had analyzed the accident, the damage caused by the insurance company’s client, and the fact that Josh’s need for pain medication had ultimately led to his death. Instead of the two million dollars Thomas asked for, the judge ruled that the insurance company pay out $2.3 million.

The case was a landslide victory for Josh’s estate, and one of Lindsay’s colleagues at the
Gazette
covered the story.

A few days after the article appeared, Annie spent an afternoon in what had become a new kind of routine. She brought two Starbucks soy lattes to Carl Joseph’s apartment and talked for an hour with him and Daisy.

“We saw the story about Josh.” Carl Joseph pointed to the bulletin board on his kitchen wall. “Daisy cut it out for me.”

“Yeah, but”—Daisy wrinkled her nose—“it wasn’t long enough. It didn’t say that Josh was a hero, and Cody says that’s bad journalism.”

“Because bad journalism isn’t good.” Carl Joseph shook his head. “You should’ve written the story, Annie.”

She wished she could have. But what she knew now about Josh would have never fit in a single newspaper feature. She could have written a book about her son’s life, and once in a while she almost convinced herself she should do just that, even if their family and Josh’s friends were the only ones who ever read it. She could always use the book as a reason to find Savannah again, years from now.

After her visit with Carl Joseph and Daisy, Annie went to the local Whole Foods and picked up the same items she’d been buying every week since the end of October: a half gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, two small containers of strawberry yogurt, a bag of frozen salmon fillets, a bag of rice, and an assortment of fruit and vegetables. The food fit neatly into two grocery bags, and Annie carried them easily up the steps to Ethel’s apartment.

“Hello, dear.” The woman smiled as she opened the door. She took the groceries, clucking her tongue about how Annie didn’t need to do this and how she’d be happy to pay for the food if only Annie would let her. “Have I ever told you,” Ethel said as Annie set the groceries down on the small kitchen table, “every time I open the door and see you standing on the porch with my groceries, for just a short minute I can see Josh again. The two of you have the same eyes.”

Ethel said the same thing each time Annie came, and always Annie left with a promise to be back the next week. Not on Saturday, but on Monday—the day she’d set aside to keep in touch with the people she’d met because of Josh. Today she had more than her usual stops to make. She drove across town to a small café at the foot of Black Forest. The meeting was set to take place at one of the tables near the window. It was the first week in December, and snow was forecast for that night.

Annie parked and thought about all she wanted to say, all she never would have had the chance to say if the person she was meeting hadn’t pursued this private, early dinner, hadn’t been willing to drive in from Denver. Annie spotted the young woman as soon as she entered the restaurant.

Becky Wheaton raised her hand so Annie would see her. As she reached the booth, Becky stood and gave her a quick hug. “Thanks for coming. I—I felt bad asking.”

Annie took her seat opposite Becky and once she was situated she reached across the table and briefly took hold of Becky’s hands. “That’s why I wanted to come here today. I think we have a few things to talk about.”

“I thought you’d think it was awkward, sitting down with me after all these years.”

A sad smile tugged at Annie’s lips. “That’s one of the things Josh taught me. The only awkward thing between people who care about each other is missing out on the chance to sit down and talk things out.”

“Yeah.” Becky was wearing her blond hair shorter these days. She was already sipping a cup of coffee. “I see what you mean.”

They ordered dinner, and then Becky got to the point. “Ever since Josh’s death, I’ve been buried under, I don’t know, a sense of guilt. Like maybe if I’d stayed with Josh none of this ever would’ve happened.”

They were the same thoughts Annie had experienced at first, but not in a long time. “You did what you had to do, Becky. No one faults you for that. Josh certainly didn’t blame you.” Annie had come today with one goal in mind—to give Becky the freedom to move on with her life. But first they had to talk through the things Becky was feeling.

“I asked him to stop smoking and stay in college.” She set her coffee cup down and leaned on her forearms. “But every night I fall asleep thinking I never should’ve expected that of him.” Her eyes glistened. “I loved him so much. I still haven’t ever felt that way about anyone else.”

Annie had wondered whether she should share with Becky just how much Josh had still cared for her. As long as Becky was being painfully honest, Annie figured she might as well tell the whole story, too. She settled back into the booth. “Josh didn’t blame you, Becky. He respected all you wanted from him. He stopped smoking a few years after he moved to Denver. I wasn’t sure you knew that.”

Her eyes showed her surprise. “I had no idea.”

“He heard your engagement fell through, and he was hoping to get his settlement and open a business. He needed back surgery and he was trying to lose the last forty pounds he’d gained. But once he had all that figured out, he was planning to call you.” She studied the young woman across from her. If things had been different, she might have been her daughter-in-law.

“I—I didn’t know any of that.”

“Josh loved you. He had a lot to work through, and he wanted to find his daughter. But he always saw you as part of his future plans. At least he prayed you might be.”

Becky dropped her gaze to her hands. “That only makes it worse.”

Annie understood what she meant. All along the process of discovering who Josh had really been, she’d experienced that same feeling: that the depth of Josh’s loss grew the more good she found out about him. But that’s not the way God wanted either of them to feel about Josh, and now it was Annie’s responsibility to help relieve Becky of the burden she was carrying.

“You need to understand something.” Again Annie put her hand over that of the young woman across from her. “You’ll keep Josh in your heart, the same way I’ll keep him. But you need to let your guilt and regrets go.” Annie hoped she sounded sincere. “Josh made his own decisions, and it took him a little longer to understand the sort of life you wanted.”

“I didn’t want any sort of life, though.” She looked up and there were tears on her cheeks. “I wanted Josh. That’s all.”

“I want him, too. Just for ten more minutes so I can tell him how proud I am of all he was, all I didn’t know about him.” Annie gave a slow shake of her head. “But that isn’t going to happen for either of us.” She thought about Savannah. “Not this side of heaven, anyway.”

“I feel like I missed out on a kind of love I’ll never know again.”

“But you will.” Annie wanted the young woman to believe that. Otherwise she would be paralyzed by her past. “You’ll love again, but first you need to let go of Josh and everything you’re feeling about him.”

“How?” Her question seemed trapped in a heart that had never rebounded from a love she’d found when she was only fifteen years old. “How do I move on?”

“You tell yourself that you can only keep those times you and Josh
did
have. Beyond that, you can’t grasp at days that never existed. For all you know, you and Josh might’ve been too different to make another go at things.”

Becky seemed to ponder that for a few seconds. “Maybe. Still, I don’t know if I can go a day without wondering.”

“Wondering is part of life. As long as it doesn’t keep you from living.”

Their dinners came and they talked about Becky’s job as a therapist, and a young man at the practice who’d asked her out to dinner twice in the past month. Josh didn’t come up again until the end of the conversation, after the meal was over. “I still see him, this dark-haired gorgeous guy sitting in the stands at the first football game our sophomore year.” Becky’s eyes grew distant, the memory clearly alive again. “Everyone was talking about him, but after the game he came and found me. He said it’d been a long time.” She laughed.

“Let me guess—the two of you had never met until then.” Annie would always remember her son’s sense of humor.

“Not once.” She lifted her hands and let them fall back to her lap. “He was making the whole thing up, pretending that we’d met at a game the previous year, when he attended the school across town. By the time I figured out he was only teasing me, it was too late. I’d already fallen for him.”

“And he for you.” Annie remembered. “He came home after one of the football games that fall and told me he’d met the girl he was going to marry. She had blond hair the color of sunshine and her name was Becky.”

A wistfulness clouded Becky’s eyes. “I guess we’ll never know.”

“Which is why you can’t spend today wondering about yesterday, my dear. Josh is gone.” The words would always hurt to voice them. “He’s gone and you have to let him go. It’s what he would’ve wanted for you.”

She still didn’t look sure. “You believe in God, right?”

“Of course. I talk to Jesus all the time.” Becky’s cheeks grew slightly red in anticipation of what was coming. “I ask Him to tell Josh how sorry I am, and that I never stopped loving him.”

“Okay, then . . . I want to give you something.” She pulled a small greeting card from her purse and handed it over. “Read it.”

Becky opened the envelope and read the inside of the card. Besides restating everything Annie had already said, the card contained the Bible verse that had meant so much to Josh in his final days. Psalm 119:50.

“ ‘My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life,’ ”
Becky read the verse out loud. “Really? That verse meant a lot to Josh?”

“Right up until his death.” Annie crossed her arms, warding off the sadness that threatened to consume her. “I think Josh would want you to take that verse to heart. Stay grounded in God’s Word, Becky. Let the Lord’s truth revive you so that you can date that young man from your work, and so you can let Josh take his rightful place in your life. As a part of your past, a very fond part.”

For the first time since Annie had spotted Becky sitting at the booth, the young woman’s eyes looked less troubled, as if a cloud had lifted from her heart. The process of letting Josh go wouldn’t happen in an instant or overnight. But this was a beginning, and Annie felt sure she’d done the right thing by meeting with her. They said their goodbyes and agreed to stay in touch. Annie had a feeling that someday in the not too distant future, she and Nate would be invited to Becky Wheaton’s wedding.

Night had fallen as she drove home to Nate. They had plans to watch
Monday Night Football
that evening and go over the last phase of Nate’s reelection plans. The election had taken a backseat in their lives since Josh’s death, and neither of them felt driven to return to the frenzy for votes that had defined their lives prior to losing their son. They were involved in their church’s Bible study again and were planning to take meals to the homebound starting in January.

The settlement funds had been transferred to Savannah in care of her mother, and at any time she expected to hear from Thomas that Maria had changed her phone number or moved without any forwarding address. Thomas explained how at the last minute he’d worked out the settlement so that Maria couldn’t have access to all of it right away. But the details no longer mattered. The money was gone, and very soon Savannah would be gone, too.

In the meantime, she comforted herself with something Cody Gunner had told her that afternoon in Josh’s apartment. In light of Josh’s faith, Cody and his wife had figured Josh was just starting to live. Annie understood now how true that was.

He really had just started to live. Just not the way she and Nate and Lindsay and the others had expected.