This Broken Beautiful Thing (34 page)

I don’t let the hurtful things my mother says when she’s high get to me anymore and I don’t let the sadness creep in when
 I think about daddy…I can’t. I don’t feel much anymore therefore I don’t cry anymore, it all works out better this way. The day I begged my mother to stop with the drugs only to have her slap me and tell me to piss off was the last time I let my emotions show, I know deep down I am weak but that doesn’t mean I want others to see it.

I don’t know why she doesn’t see that she still has me to live for! Doesn’t she see that I’m still around? That I need her! She’s not the only one that lost him, I lost him too! I don’t know this person she has become, since she started with the drugs she’s been acting as if she’s my age, cussing and wearing slutty clothes that barely cover anything- she has the perfect body but she’s attracting attention from the wrong guys. I think she tries to see other guys just to forget about dad but nothing can compare to her prince charming, none of these low lives could ever live up to my father, why can’t she see this and stop wasting her time?

“Lexi get your ass off the car and help unpack!” she shouts from the front door of our new home.“I’m on my way Georgina! Can you give me 5 minutes to stretch my legs!” mother hates it when I call her by her first name, but I told her the morning after her first boyfriend came for a “sleep over” that if she wasn’t going to act like my mother then I wasn’t going to call her one.

“Lexi!
You seriously need to stop that shit! It’s really starting to piss me off. Fuck sakes give it a rest!” Mom yells huffing and puffing as she walks toward the car to get another full bag.

“Yeah
yeah.” I say jumping off the front of the car putting my IPod in my back pocket, I should probably help, not that we have much to move in but whatever right.

Walking into the house, first thing I notice is the shit green colour wall paper; I pray to all that’s Holy that this doesn’t cover all the walls. Walking through the open plan kitchen and lounge area I stride down the passage. I see two doors on my right and at the end of the passage is a door leading outside with another door to its left. Opening the first door
 I see the bathroom, “Gross...holy shit!” I mutter out loud looking at the state of the bathroom, I don’t have OCD or anything it’s just that I like my shit clean and organized.

I quickly shut that door and turn to the next one, I spot my soon to be room, moms already put my box of frames and ornaments on the bed. I sit down on the bed facing the big window that looks out into the open grass area that leads to the forest then look around my new room. It’s actually rather large, I have a double bed with two small white bedside tables on each side, obviously the furniture is worn and dusty but it’s perfect for me. There’s a chair seated in the corner near the window with a set of wooden drawers. I open the box and look at the frames of my friends and
I.

Smiling to myself I think of the girl I use to be, I was so happy, innocent and so terribly naïve. I had lots of friends and my fair share of boyfriends, I tend to get along better with the boys than with the girls but that’s probably due to being brought up in a gym house surrounded by guys. My previous relationships with boys never lasted long and I suppose I never had a real connection with any of them but I was still friends with my exes after we broke up.

Besides... we always broke up on good terms and as I got older it was kinda always for the same reason, I wasn’t ready to give up my V card yet. I told them they should find girls that could make them happy and give them want they want and it wasn’t like I was in a serious relationship with any of them to begin with. Of course I was jealous when I would see them with other girls the day after we broke up but back then I was a different girl.

When I decided that it was easier to switch off my emotions, to withdraw from anything that was the girl I used to be before life threw me that huge curve-ball I lost friends, one by one, eventually sitting alone in the library during lunch reading fantasy books that would always end in
 happily ever after. I stopped dressing like a Barbie and started wearing darker clothes, I got my tongue, nose and belly pierced and the only person that I wanted to notice me or acknowledge me didn’t. Mom didn’t notice the changes most of the time – so I did one better and got a few tattoos to add to my canvas. Dam straight she noticed then!

It wasn’t that I was an
 emo, a punk or whatever you wanna call it, I just felt that the darker the clothes the more I would be able to hide in the shadows and not be noticed. In the beginning I held my two best friends close but they could never understand what I was going through or what I was dealing with at home and after I changed, they changed.

My focus was on school and achieving good enough grades so that I could get a full scholarship to college in order for me to get the hell out of here. Dad left me money but I would only be able to use it once I turned twenty one, so if I wanted to get into a good college I had to focus on getting a scholarship. I also tried to keep myself busy and focused so that my mind wouldn’t drift to the shit I was going through at home. I didn’t have time for boys, I didn’t want what my mother had, and I never wanted to go through losing someone you love and having to deal with the aftermath like she did. In order for me to avoid any future hurt I forced myself to stay away from anything and anyone that I could
become emotionally attached to and ultimately never loving anyone other the only person I had left, my mother.

Still looking at a photo of my two best friends Annie, Jenny and I at the beach with our big
sunnies on, I remember the polka dot pink and white bikini. I looked so happy in the photo, not a care in the world and even though we weren’t blood related, those two girls were my sisters. Little did I know that when I decided to change my appearance or focus on school, they would be the first ones to start rumors and pass comments about me to the entire High School. Just because I didn’t fit their high standards and wasn’t part of the “Barbie Clique” I was cast a misfit.

“Well fuck you guys…” I whisper as I throw the frame into the trash can near my drawers, I notice my mom leaning on the door frame looking at me.

“Hey! What’s wrong with that photo? It’s one of my favorites, you looked so pretty.” she says picking up the frame from the bin.

“Yeah well, you can keep it I don’t want it, you can have these too if you want.” I say handing all my other frames to her that holds photos of the happy girl I once was. She doesn’t say a word but shrugs and walks out my room with them.

After unpacking, cleaning my room and the bathroom to my standard – meaning spotless, I take a shower and get dressed. Walking back to my room I hear chatter in the kitchen so I head out to see who’s here.

“Oh my!
Georgie! This can’t be Lexi!” she says looking at my mother and pointing to me.

“She is gorgeous! You’ve grown up so much since the last time I saw you!” A skinny lady with slightly yellow hair, I’m guessing it’s supposed to be blond, runs towards me and gives me a hug.

Not sure whether to take the part where she says “
this can’t be
” as a compliment or an insult, because I certainly don’t know what the fuck she meant. Shrugging her off of me and raising my brow as I internally say
what the f…

“Hun, it’s so nice to meet you, mom here has been telling me all about you,
I can’t get over how beautiful you are. I’m Amber, your mom’s friend from back in the day. I’m so happy you guys are staying so close to me – I’m a few houses down, you have to meet my niece I’m sure you guys will get along since you’re both around the same age!” She rambles on chattily as if I’m her long lost sister and pats my hand as she talks. She offers me some wine from the bottle that they both have been drinking from, but I decline – there has to be at least one responsible person in this damn house.

“Georgina, have you seen my bag of clothes? I’m missing most of my shirts and jeans?” I say after going to check the car if anything was left in there but she stops me shortly with her reply.

“Oh honey that’s because I left them behind, you need to stop wearing those crappy clothes, you can wear some of mine since we’re about the same size and as soon as I get paid we can go shopping and get you some new clothes that AREN’T black!” she says this with a wave of the hand as if it’s no big deal which has me internally screaming and I’m pretty sure if this was a cartoon steam  would be coming from my ears around about now but I close my eyes , roll my shoulders and take a deep breath, letting the anger fade but I can feel her watching me, waiting for an outburst and if I stand here one more minute in her presence I’ll give her exactly that.

“Seriously whatever, I don’t even have the energy to fucking argue with you right now, I need some fresh air ...” I say walking off putting my flip flops on as I go. Wandering off the patio in the back I hear Amber yelling after me.

“Don’t go too far hun, it’s not safe in those woods at this time of night and don’t go up the hill near the log cabins, those folks aren’t fond of people on their land…” she carries on mumbling, but I’m just not interested in anything anyone has to say right now. I just need to get away from Georgina and get some space to breathe.

Walking behind our trailer, all I see is the forest and trees, I don’t know what makes me do it but I really don’t care. I need to get away for a little bit. Trailing a distinct path, I hear what sounds like water flowing, I follow the sound and come to a small waterfall in the middle of the forest.

Walking to the big rock near the water, I lie down with my knees up and my arms folded under my head looking at the sky
 scattered with stars above me, the full moon looks beautiful tonight. Lounging in the ambience and peacefulness of the quiet night I begin to think whether this solitude I find myself hiding in is something I still really want. Pushing people away is far more harder and lonelier than I ever thought it could be, I know this path I’m leading can only bring more unhappiness and even though becoming emotionally distant with everyone besides my mother was a good idea at the time, I’m not sure how long I can deal with being alone since the only person I want to notice me doesn’t acknowledge me and I don’t know if my mother ever will again especially when I’m a constant reminder of what she lost.

It’s quiet out here, all you can hear is the trickling of water and the wildlife surrounding me in the dark night. Usually I’d prefer having earphones in my ears with blaring music just so I can’t hear my thoughts… but this, I actually enjoy this silence. It’s peaceful out here in the dark, the only light coming from the full moon above me.

Thinking to myself about my father, I let out a sad sigh.

“Daddy, why did you have to leave us? I don’t think I can do this on my own…” I say out aloud as if he could possibly answer me.

After what seems close to a few minutes looking at my phone, I realize I’ve been here for over two hours. Suddenly all my thoughts fizzle away when I hear movement in the bushes. I freeze then quickly sit up, looking around I see the bushes move. Jumping off the rock, I hide behind the big boulder. Holding my breath, scared shitless for what’s about to come out of them. Peeking over the side of the rock trying to see what’s out there, just enough for one eye to look because I’m afraid of being noticed by whatever or whoever is out here.

Out of nowhere I see a huge dog, its brown or dark brown – I can’t really tell since the moon is only so bright. It lifts its head up as if to smell the air,
oh shit, can it smell me? Oh gosh, it probably can!
I quickly sit back behind the rock with my knees to my chest, my arms crossed over them and my head down. My hair falling down to cover the open gaps, it’s the only shield I have at the moment to protect me from seeing anything. I hear the sound of the animal walking on the leaves and branches, the snapping and crunching of leaves beneath its paw gets louder and it’s coming closer to the rock...to where I am.

Oh
my gosh, oh my gosh, what am I going to do!
I squeeze my eyes shut, my heart is beating so fast it hurts; I’m scared to breathe in case it sees the movement.

All of a sudden I feel something on my hair, my whole body tenses as it touches my hair again but this time I can hear it breathing, the animal’s snout is right by my ear. I think its smelling me, it pulls away but this time licks my forearm that’s holding my knees together tightly.

The animal moves away, I hear movement and leaves cracking, so slowly I lift my eyes, peeking through the hair that’s fallen on my face. I see the big brown dog sitting on the ground in front of me just staring down at me, he nudges my leg with his snout and I grasp, I lift my head up fully and move the hair that’s fallen on my face behind my ear so I can look at the dog properly.

He’s absolutely beautiful, he’s huge though, looking up to the dogs face – I see beautiful hazel eyes just staring at me. Slowly I lift my trembling hand and raise it to the dogs face; I want to touch its fur it looks so shiny. The dog’s head meets my hand as if to tell me “
it’s okay, I won’t bite
” giving me the encouragement I need I gently stroke the dog’s head, lifting myself off the ground I sit up on my knees. Although it still towers over me, I get a better look at him, not sure if it’s a girl or boy – I get the feeling it’s a male.