Thin White Line (19 page)

“I fucking hate you,” Ryder says to Deklan. “You always wished you had my life.”

“Dude, you’re so out of line.” Deklan’s shoulders straighten before he turns and backtracks. He stops inches from Ryder’s bleeding face. “You’re right. There was a time in my life where I wished I had everything handed to me on a fucking silver platter instead of having to work my ass off for it. I wished I could use girls the same way you do without having it kill my conscience, but the older I’ve gotten, the more grateful I am that I’m not you.” He grips Ryder’s face with both hands. “I’d take a fucking bullet for you, man,” he says through clenched teeth. “Who else in your life would do that, huh? Answer me that. That’s right, no one.”

My heart beat is a roar in my ears.

Deklan drops his hands to his sides.

Ryder shakes his head and walks out the door, slamming it behind him. Deklan makes a move for the door, but stops himself.

I go to him, grab his hand, sliding my fingers through his and laying my head on his chest. “I’m so sorry, Deklan.” I can feel his heart race against my cheek.

He turns in my arms and kisses my forehead. “You didn’t do anything wrong. He just didn’t realize what he had until it was gone,” he says.  “He’s just not used to coming in second, especially to me.”

“I’m sorry he said those mean things.”

All his life, Deklan had taken a backseat to his friend. “My parents were drug addicts and he’s right—I hate drugs and I hate the power they have over everyone I love.”

He’d been through so much and I admire him even more for that. “You’re a good man, you know that?”

He shakes his head. “I just hit my best friend in the face.”

“He deserved it.”

He tries to smile, but fails. He looks at me. “Did you mean what you said?”

I look up into his beautiful eyes, seeing the vulnerability there.

“About what—that I love you?” I ask, kissing him softly. “Yes, I love you, Deklan. So much it hurts.”

CHAPTER 18

Four months later

Officer’s Row is an amazing road of the first homes of Vancouver. Each is painted the same as the other—stately grey with white trim and kept in immaculate condition by the city. Enormous maple trees line the roadway on either side and look out over the fairgrounds, barracks, and an old fort that were the first fixtures of the town.

Someone told me that the Fourth of July celebration is completely off the chain and they aren’t kidding. Vancouver doesn’t hold back. They have carnival rides and a grandstand where different bands play throughout the day. Currently, a jazz band made up of mostly sixty-year-old men finish their last song and start unplugging their instruments.

Brooke is pacing the side stage. She hasn’t performed onstage since the night of the overdose and I can tell she’s nervous.

Hanging out at the side of the stage are Deklan, Curtis and Terry, the newest member, or—as he calls it—temporary fill-in for the band. I can see Deklan scanning the sea of people on the lawn. He bends down and starts dialing his cell. I smile a second later when my phone rings and Deklan’s picture comes up on the screen. “Are you looking for me?” I ask and his teeth flash as he grins.

“Where are you?”

“Look to your right.”

He scans right. “Still don’t see you, babe.”

“See the big red tent?”

“Yeah…”

“I’m about twenty feet behind it and five feet to the left of it.”

It takes him a few seconds, then he waves. “Ah, there’s my beautiful woman.”

His beautiful woman
. A rush of excitement rushes through my body. I will never tire of hearing those words. He is absolutely amazing and I am head-over-heels in love with him. Although we’ve been together for months, he still hasn’t said that he loves me; Ryder’s words about Deklan not loving anyone haunt me, leaving me wondering if he’ll ever love me in return.

“My cousin can’t quit pacing.” She told me she’s never before performed without being high or drunk.

He laughs under his breath. “She’s nervous. Honestly, I’m nervous for her.”

I’ve never heard those words out of his mouth before. To me, he has always been invincible and absolutely cool under pressure. “Babe, you’ll be amazing.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.”

“You’ll be fine,” I say again, hoping my reassurance puts him at ease.

A girl screams his name from the audience.

“You have a fan,” I say, trying to keep the humor in my voice and not let jealousy take over. I have become accustomed to other women adoring my man. It seems like every time I stop by the tattoo parlor that a girl is there.

His regulars, he calls them.

I call them groupies.

“Terry is freaking out a little.”

I can only imagine how nervous they all are, especially since this is the first time any of them have played an event with the new line-up.

A lady in a straw hat with a red, white, and blue band approaches Deklan. “I got to go, babe. Don’t move from that spot. I’ll come to you once we’re done, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I mean it. There are too many people here.”

I love how concerned he is. How protective he is of me wherever we go. That’s one reason why my mom absolutely adores him and thinks Deklan walks on water. A keeper, she says nearly every day. I couldn’t agree more.

“Swear to God, I won’t move,” I promise.

I recognize a lot of the regulars around me and I hope that they will support the band with the new line-up. Ryder hasn’t spoken to Deklan for months now, and last I heard he’s still using. Sadie can’t seem to kick drugs either, and her phone calls to Brooke have stopped.  

There have been a lot of positive changes in the past few months. Both Brooke and Curtis are drug free. Instead of partying, we find other things to do. Even my mom has quit drinking after Brooke’s overdose and I am amazed at the changes in her. She’s happy, working, doing yoga with Aunt Shelley, and moving on with her life. I think we’re both the happiest we’ve ever been.

“You want some company?”

My heart hammers against my chest bone.

Ryder. His hair is longer, his face thinner. The weeks without his best friend in his life have been tough. We heard he’s been drinking a lot. No doubt, he seems lost when his band mates quit taking drugs.

“Sure,” I say, moving over on the blanket and motioning for him to take a seat. I hug my knees to my chest and he sits cross-legged beside me.

“How’s your summer been, Kenz?”

“Pretty good.” Actually, it’s been incredible. “How about you?”

His shoulders lift. “Good. I went and saw my grandparents for a few weeks. They live up the river about an hour or so.”

I’ve heard Deklan talk about the gorgeous log cabin overlooking a lake.

“It was nice to get out of town and, yet, I’m really glad to be back. I know it sounds lame, but there’s nothing like coming back home after being away.” He laughs under his breath. “Actually, you probably miss California like that.”

“I miss parts of California, but I would never leave my mom and she’s happy here. In fact, I’m happy here.” The words sound strange coming out of my mouth and surprise me in many ways. I’m sincere, though. The life I once lived has nothing to do with the life I now live. I’ve learned so much in the past six months.

And my future is Deklan. One more year of high school and I’m free to do what I want, when I want.

I’m happy and can hardly wait for what’s to come.

“Have you talked to your dad?”

I shake my head. “Not yet, but I will soon.”

“I hear you and Deklan are pretty serious.”

“Yeah, we are.”

“Are you happy?”

I can’t keep the smile from my lips. Just thinking about Deklan makes my temperature rise. I love everything about him. He’s the sweetest guy I’ve ever met, the most beautiful man I’ve ever known, and I adore him. “Yes.”

“I was an asshole to you, Kenzie.” He takes a deep breath and releases it. “I can’t take back what I said to you at his house. I was mad at both of you. It’s not your fault, I want you to know that. I was wrong. In fact, I was a dick and I want you to know that I learned a lot from you.”

His expression is sincere.

On stage, the band scurries around, setting up their equipment. I glance up to see Deklan looking our way.

“He misses you,” I say.

The sides of his mouth lift in a soft smile. “I miss him, too,” he says, his voice missing a hitch. “I said so many things that I wish I could take back. We’ve never fought like that.”

“Apologies go a long way.”

His eyes light up. “Really? Did he say that?”

“He doesn’t have to. There’s a part of him missing. He said that his heart hurt.” I repeat the words Deklan has said to me in confidence, hoping he won’t be mad. These two men need each other though. “He says that you’ve never spent more than a few days apart.”

Ryder uses his shirt sleeve to wipe his tears. His hand is trembling. “I need him. I can’t shake this shit without him. I’ve tried to get straight, but he’s my rock…and I can’t do it without him.”

“You can, Ryder, but I know he’ll help you. He’ll help you get there.” Just like Deklan has been a support for Brooke and Curtis as they’ve kicked drugs, he’ll be there for Ryder. “Talk to him.”

He runs his fingers through his hair and looks towards the stage. “That’s my band. For years, we’ve tried to get space on the main stage and, go figure, the year Deklan nails it down, I’m kicked out.”

“You weren’t kicked out,” I say matter-of-factly and feel like crap when he flinches.

His throat contracts as he swallows hard. “Deklan put the band together in the beginning. He books the gigs and basically manages the show. The one rule he had was no drugs, yet we all ended up doing them behind his back.” He shakes his head. “We’re such assholes.”

I won’t disagree with him. “Talk to him, Ryder. He needs you just as much as you need him.”

He leans in and gives me a hug that I hadn’t been expecting. “You’re an incredible girl, Kenzie. Do you know that?”

My phone buzzes, signaling that I have a message. I hide a smile. Deklan. I can feel his stare from across the park.

The message isn’t from him, though, it’s from Brooke.
“What does he want?”

I write back.
“He misses you guys.”

“He left us.”

“He needed time and he needs your help. He told me he can’t do it without Deklan.”
I put a heart sign after.

Brooke slides the phone into her pocket and the band takes the stage.

The mixed age crowd is completely receptive to the high tempo song. Brooke’s on fire. I’m so proud of her, and more than a little amazed that this same girl had nearly died mere months ago. The same girl who has kicked drugs and has a new lease on life.

I ignore all the girls who make their way towards the front of the stage. Ryder doesn’t say anything, though he does nod his head in time to the music.

I watch Deklan play and realize that he hasn’t given himself completely over to the music like he normally does. He moves in time to the beat, but his mind is somewhere else. The crowd doesn’t seem to notice, but I do. He keeps staring in our direction.

Halfway through their set, Deklan stands up and motions Terry forward. “We’ll be taking a short break,” Deklan says into the mic and the three walk to the side of the stage.

“They sound good,” Ryder says and I can see in his eyes how badly he is hurting, how desperately he needs to get back into the band and with his friends.

“Yeah, they do, but they’re better with you.”

He grins, puts an arm around my shoulder and squeezes hard.

Deklan steps up to the microphone a minute later. “We have one original band member of
The Frozen
that’s not up here right now, but he’s here today. How many of you would like to hear him play?”

The crowd applauds.

“What’s he doing?” Ryder asks, his eyes wide.

“I think that’s obvious.”

“Ryder, Ryder, Ryder,” Brooke chants, coming up beside Deklan. The crowd follows in sync until they’re roaring.

“They’re calling your name, Ryder,” I say, gently nudging him. “You’d better go.”

I’ve never seen so much emotion in his eyes. “What if I’m horrible? I mean, what if I can’t play for shit?”

“You’ll be amazing. Go.” I say, giving him another nudge. “Now go.”

He hugs me tight. “Come with me?”

He stands and I take his hand. I grab my blanket and we start making our way through the crowd, through the bodies, who at first look up at us in anger, but once they realize Ryder is the band member everyone is chanting for, the crowd parts.

“Here he comes now...with the most beautiful woman in the world,” Deklan says and I both hear and see how happy he is.

A roar of applause sounds as we get closer. At the side of the stage, I drop his hand. “Knock em’ dead.”

He glances at the stage where Deklan watches him with a smile and then he walks up the steps.

Sliding the guitar strap over his neck, Ryder says into the mic, “Thank you for that overwhelming welcome. I feel the love, man. I do. I’ve been playing with this group for nearly four years now and it’s a part of me. Thank you to Terry for taking over these past six weeks while I got my shi—act together. You’re good friends. And this guy right here,” Ryder puts an arm around Deklan, “is my best friend and brother.”

Deklan nods.

“I love you, man. You know that, right?”

Deklan nods again. “I do,” he says into his mic.

The crowd roars. “Bromance, bromance, bromance.”

“Enough of the love fest,” Brooke says into the mic. “Let’s rock, Vancouver!”

Deklan walks across the stage, pulls me in his arms and kisses me. “You’re everything I want and everything I need.”

“Ditto,” I whisper.

He cups my face with both hands, his thumbs brush over my cheeks. “I love you, Kenzie.”

The love is shining in his eyes and I feel every word to my soul. I want to shout my happiness to the heavens, but instead I kiss him softly. 

The crowd roars their approval.

“I love you,” he says again, as though he’s testing the words. I don’t doubt his sincerity for a second.  I’ve earned his trust and, thereby, his love. I nod and smile, trying to keep the tears from falling, but I can’t hold my emotions in check.

He kisses me softly and gently brushes the tears away with his thumbs.

“Everyone in my life has disappointed me…except you, Kenz.”

I know I will never hurt him or do anything to make him question my love or my loyalty.

The crowd starts clapping and the band starts playing.

“You’d better go,” I say.

He nods. “I love you.”

I grin, knowing I will never tire of hearing those words from his lips.