Therapy (21 page)

Dammit! Jace, get those thoughts out of your head.

But she’s sexy as hell, and all I can think about is running my tongue across that soft skin of hers.

“Jace? Would you like some of this lo mein, or would you like to continue eye-fucking me instead?”

I snap out of my trance and realize she’s caught me staring.

Shit!

I’m an asshole. A pathetic, lovesick, horny asshole.

“Umm...damn. I’m sorry, but you just...you look sexy as hell, Jess, and that tiny T-shirt isn’t nearly long enough for you to be reaching up into those cabinets,” I tell her, and I’m sure she hears the appreciation in my voice.

“Why did you come here?” she asks, irritated. Not the response I was hoping for. “If you came here thinking you were going to finish what you started last night, you’re wrong. Plus, I have a date in about two hours, so I won’t be needing any of my womanly desires handled by you. Donnie manages to take care of that just fine.” My fists clench immediately.

Donnie? Who the fuck is Donnie?

Jealousy and resentment sit just beneath the surface and the desire to reclaim her as mine rises with a powerful vengeance. Jealousy isn’t something that I’ve ever really struggled with, but right now I just want her all to myself. I only had one night with her.
One night.
I hate thinking about all of the others that have been with her. Possessiveness wins out in my internal battle and I stare at her intently. I grit my teeth and try to convey the seriousness of the situation when she sets the plate down and glances back up at me. Hopefully my expression will leave zero doubt that I’m no longer here to talk.

Donnie will not be satisfying her needs tonight, or any other night. Fuck that and fuck him. I don’t know who this guy is, and I don’t particularly care. All I care about is showing Jess that she still loves me just as much as I still love her. She won’t listen to my words, so I’ll make her understand with my actions.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks, genuinely bewildered. Then it hits her. “Don’t tell me you’re jealous. I’m not the one that’s engaged, and yes, I’ll keep saying it because it’s true. You. Are. Engaged!”

I slowly set my drink down and round the counter, determined. Her eyes widen as I step into the kitchen and she counters my approach by backing up. She absently licks her lips and I fight back a grin, knowing she has no idea she just did that. Her words may be to put distance between us, but her body language tells a different story. My body thrums with sexual tension and want and I can feel my pulse thumping in my neck. I stop in front of her and take her in for a moment.

“I don’t want her, I want you! You’ve been what I’ve wanted for over six years and that hasn’t changed. I want you so badly right now that I can barely breathe,” I proclaim in a low, guttural tone. Consequences be damned; I couldn’t care less about any of them right now.

She stands there holding her drink and I step in closer yet again. I reach out to grab it from her hand and as I do, our fingers brush. The electricity sizzles between us and she flinches on a sharp inhale. It’s still there and she feels it too.

That does it.

Our eyes meet as I lean in, closing the last bit of space between us. I grab her face between both of my hands and she stumbles backward up against the granite countertop. My pants grow tighter as I press myself firmly against her warm body. God, how I’ve missed her. She bites her lip and lets out a whimper as I thrust my hands into her long, sexy hair. Finally, I claim her mouth with a hunger of over six years. She’s responding to me, and I know that every second my lips are on hers, her resolve crumbles a little bit more. I pull at the nape of her neck and suck her lower lip into my mouth, sinking my teeth into it slightly. She moans as she presses her hands into my chest. I move from her mouth down to her neck, and kiss my way back up to her earlobe. I nip and suck at it before whispering in her ear.

“I still love you, Jess. Let me love you.” I lay more kisses on her as I let my hands wander over her. “Don’t push me away, not again.” Her breathing grows more ragged and I confess everything I’ve been thinking about since I saw her last night. “I want to rip every damn piece of clothing off your body and bury myself inside of you. I want to do that and never leave again.” Her fingernails dig into my chest and she starts to speak.

“Jace,” she says breathlessly. Before she can say anything else, I still, holding her, and whisper, “Say yes, Jessica. Say you want me as much as I want you. Tell me you still love me.”

I pull back from her and look deeply into her eyes. She’s flushed and her chest is heaving. Her nipples are taut, peeking through the thin material of her shirt, teasing me. Good God, I want her so badly. I want to feel her naked chest against mine, her smooth stomach against me. I search her eyes for an answer and she looks back and forth between my eyes and my arms, which have her trapped against the counter. She’s thinking of running, I can tell, but I can’t let that happen.

I lean in and cover her mouth with mine once again. I reach down, pulling on her hips, and then slide my hands down, firmly cupping her ass. She opens her mouth to me and while our tongues wind around each other in a fervent, heated dance, her arms clasp behind my neck. I swiftly grab her legs and position myself against her while wrapping her legs around me. Bracing her back with one hand, I turn and carry her toward the living room. I bump into an end table by the sofa and the lamp crashes to the floor. The movement startles her and she gasps, but I don’t care—fuck the lamp! I’ll buy her a new one. I lay her down on the sofa, following her body closely with mine. And that’s when I know I’ve broken through. She’s kissing me back excitedly, furiously arching her hips up to mine, and seeking my touch. Like she needs me just as much as I need her.

I flick my tongue across her top lip and trail heated kisses across her cheek down to her neck. She’s practically panting and I’m so hard it’s painful. I want every inch of it inside her, now. Her hands rake down my body leaving a trail of goose bumps in their wake. My body’s on fire and the need to make her mine is ferocious. I’ve never felt so savage in my life!

We are hands and mouths and legs twisting, molding, and linking together. Years of want and need fill the space around us. I reach down and hook my fingers under the edge of her shirt, pulling it up to reveal her bare chest. Without hesitation, I suck her pert nipple into my mouth, hard.

She whimpers and it drives me crazy.

I circle the tight bud with my tongue softly, and then graze it with my teeth, mixing pleasure with pain. She starts fumbling with my belt and I know without a doubt that her feelings are in the driver’s seat now. I move down her stomach and pull her hands away from my waist. I kiss just below her navel and look up at her. She’s feverish, beautiful, and her chest rises and falls rapidly as breaths escape her full, pouty lips.

“You’re mine, Jess, and I’m yours. I love you so much, but right now I’m going to make love to you. I plan on making love to you over and over again until the sun comes up. So you’re going to have to cancel with that Donnie.”

She sucks her bottom lip in and nods.

I pull the string of her sweatpants and the knot falls apart easily. I quickly pull them down and she instinctively reaches down, trying to conceal her scars. There are so many of them, so many more than there had been all those years ago. Worry shoots straight to my heart, but I push it away for another time.

I glance up at her and see the fear circling in her eyes. They gloss over as if she might cry and I quickly remove her panties, kissing and tracing the scars with my tongue, one by one.

I whisper against her battered skin, “I love you, Jess. All of you: the good, the bad, and the imperfect. I love it all.”

She may be flawed, but she’s all I want. I kiss her scars once more, rubbing her inner thigh with my fingers before sliding them between her legs. She’s dripping with need and I want to taste her. My head dips down and her legs tense in response. Her hands weave through my hair and she moans, writhing against my face.

So much better than I remember.

The sound of her panting and pleasure, and the built-up tension between us is palpable, more than I can take for another second. I unbuckle my belt, shoving my pants and boxers to the floor. She reaches down and grasps at my shirt, fumbling with the buttons. She manages to unbutton three when I reach down, pulling it over my head, not giving a shit about the other buttons that pop off in response.

I move up and cover her body with mine. I kiss her hard, pouring all of the love, anger, sadness, and loneliness I’ve felt over the years into that one single kiss.

“I’m on birth control. I really am. The prescription is in the bathroom if you want to see it, but God, if you don’t hurry up, I’m going to die. I need you inside me now.”

I moan deep in my throat looking into her beautiful almond-shaped eyes. I love this woman with everything I have. Trying to suppress it, change it, manipulate it all these years was pointless.

I’ve been living a lie.

No more lies.

I allow my weight to rest on her and the heat of her skin fuses with mine. The puzzle pieces that were lost have finally been found. I push inside her with one hard, swift motion. She throws her head back and cries out my name, and it’s the sweetest sound I’ve heard in six long years. Her slick heat envelops every inch of me and I fall into nirvana as I bury my face in her neck, inhaling the scent of her hair. She opens for me as I move harder and faster until our bodies are fully and completely merged as one. This is where I’m supposed to be. Here, with her.

What I’m feeling is unexplainable, almost painful in its intensity. My heart pounds and as we move together, something falls away between us. It’s as if the years we’ve lost have disappeared and that space is being filled with nothing but love.

“Lies don’t ruin relationships.

The truth does.”

—Unknown

I’M PANTING AND out of breath. My heart’s racing and I feel light-headed. After six long years, Jace and I have had sex again. So many emotions are stirring around in my head, and I can’t make sense of any of them. Jace looks at me with sincere, raw emotion burning in his eyes.

I’m speechless.

“I love you, Jess, so much,” he whispers as he kisses my neck delicately.

I want to say it back, but the words literally catch in my throat. Just as I’m about to let my last wall down and tell him I love him too, someone knocks at my door, pulling us out of our lust-filled haze. The gravity of what we just did settles in my chest and I scramble to gather our clothes, trying to put myself back together.

“I have no idea who that could be. Unless...oh shit, I bet it’s Donnie!” I exclaim. Jace looks annoyed at the interruption, and more than willing to tell Donnie to get lost. Great, this is all I need right now. How freaking awkward is this?

I pull on my sweats and T-shirt hurriedly while Jace puts his clothes back on too. We exchange uncomfortable glances and I pad through the apartment and over to the door, trying to smooth down my freshly fucked hair as I go. I reach out and open the door, trying to think fast to figure out what I’m going to tell Donnie.

But it’s not Donnie. Never in a million years did I expect to see Dr. Ward standing at my damn door. My heart drops.

Holy motherfucking shit!

“Just as I predicted!” Victoria scoffs, both hands on her hips. She’s glaring at Jace over my shoulder. The temperature in the room just dropped about five million degrees. She waltzes right past me into my apartment like she owns the place.

“I knew you’d be here. This is priceless, Jace, so classy of you. Have you officially gotten it out of your system now? Huh? I surely hope the hell so!”

Wow, this woman is a real piece of work.

I can’t believe she’s being so calm. She acts like he came over and borrowed some eggs or something. But by the flushed look on Jace’s face and his disheveled clothing, which I’m sure mirrors my own, it’s obvious we weren’t baking in here. She has to know we just had sex. I feel half guilt, half smug as I take in the way she’s eying Jace. I’d be losing my mind if I were her, but she’s so composed. This woman doesn’t love him. If she did, she’d be clawing my eyes out right now.

“Vic, what are you doing here?” Jace asks, running his hand anxiously down his flushed face.

“Well, I suppose I could ask you the same question, but it’s pretty obvious what you’re here for,” she says, and she flicks her eyes at me contemptuously before continuing. “If you had your phone on, you’d know that your mother and I have been trying to get in touch with you all evening. She’s very ill and has been admitted to the hospital. We need to get there as soon as possible, so your little charade with your high school tart will have to come to an end. Now.”

What an emasculating little bitch. Surely Jace won’t be going anywhere with this woman after what just happened between us.

Jace is looking at Victoria with panic in his eyes, as if at the mention of his mother being sick he’s completely forgotten me and everything we just shared together. “What’s wrong with her? Why is she in the hospital?” he asks nervously.

“They don’t know. She fainted and the housekeeper called 911. They’re running tests now, so we need to go,” she insists.

He sighs, looking at me with defeat in his eyes.

God, he is. He’s going to leave with her.

I feel myself start to withdraw from him, from the situation, from myself. I can’t believe this is happening all over again. I’m losing him, except this time, it’s his choice.

“Vic, can you give me a minute please? I’ll meet you outside.”

“Fine, five minutes and not a minute more. Say what you need to say, and then say good-bye to her, Jace.” I listen quietly, steeling myself for what I know is coming, as she orders him around like he’s a small child. I wonder how the strong, confident man I knew ended up with a woman like her. “We are getting married; you need to stop this childishness. We are adults, not high schoolers,” she spouts, and then sashays out the door in her designer suit and heels.

He looks at me and I turn my back to him so that he can’t see how hurt I am. He did nothing to correct her, nothing to let her know that this isn’t just some charade. He didn’t tell her how important I am to him, that I’m not just some
thing
that needs to be worked out of his system. He didn’t yell or scream, he just stood there and took it, and accepted it when she minimized all we are to each other.

I can’t look at him. Tears that I refuse to let him see well up in my eyes. I feel his hand on my shoulder and I shudder.

“Jess, I’m so damn sorry. If Mom is sick I have to go see her. Please understand.”

I tense at his touch and shrug his hand away, keeping my back to him.

“Just go. This shouldn’t have ever happened. You’re clearly confused about what you want. We blurred the lines tonight, but I see everything very clearly now. You’re leaving me to go with her, the woman who just characterized me as something that needed to be worked out of your system. The same woman you didn’t even correct.” I laugh unsteadily, but nothing about this is humorous. “You could very easily go to see your mom alone, but you’re not. That speaks volumes, and I’m not about to sit here and be your fucking piece of ass on the side. So please, just leave. I’m done with this, with you, with us.”

Pain.

Loss.

Just block it out, Jess.

Numb.

“Jess, please don’t do this,” he pleads. “I just need some time, that’s all. I don’t want to lose you again and I want to be there for you through your therapy. Don’t push me away again. I love you, I really do. That’s never going to change.”

My blood boils and I tighten my fists at my sides, turning around slowly to face him. I stare at him with ice-cold eyes.

“It doesn’t matter! It hasn’t mattered for six damn years, and it doesn’t matter now,” I shout, and ride my anger like a wave. “Whatever we had is lost, gone. You can look me in the eye and make all the promises you want, but it won’t change the reality of this situation. You love me, but you need more time. You love me, but you want to fix me. Well, I don’t care what you want anymore! I don’t care what’s best for you anymore! Go! Just go be with her, love her, care for her. I have to fix myself—love myself, Jace—and there’s nothing you can do to fast-forward that process. No matter how deeply embedded we are under each other’s skin, this will never ever work because together, we’re broken.”

I steady my voice and as the anxiety inside of me builds.

“Sometimes you just have to accept that some things can’t be fixed, and that it’s not about fixing what’s broken, but about accepting what’s lost,” I say sadly, and I hope he understands that this is good-bye. “So please, just walk away and leave the pieces where they are. I’m tired of missing you. I’m tired of looking for something that will never be there. I’ve looked for it on the edge of a blade and at the bottom of a bottle. It’s not there. It’s just...gone.”

His eyes grow dark and despondent as his shoulders fall. He silently turns and walks toward my door.

“I’m not going to force myself into your life, Jess, but what happened tonight was real. I can’t just ignore it and neither can you. I’ll call you after I make sure Mom is okay,” he says. Then I watch him turn the knob and walk out of my life. Again.

I have to accept that this will never work because no one can be loved until they can love themselves, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do that. I go straight to my room and pull out my journal, desperate to write and put my emotions down on paper.

Back to empty

Here's my cup, fill it on up

Runneth it over

Pour me something stronger

Don't want to feel this way any

longer...

Drown the me I can't let anyone see

Force it down

Swallow it all

Just pour me something stronger than me...

It was enough

Once I could see

Carried to me

On the waves

Of a blue-eyed sea

I exhaled

I saw

I felt

To me, forever memories

To the sea, already forgotten

Turning the key

Again, locking it all away

I step back up

To the bar of life

Society and reality joining me

Holding out my glass

I say...

Just pour me something stronger than me...

My eyes are puffy and my body aches. Waking up, I’m hoping that last night was a horrible nightmare, but I know it wasn’t. Jace walked right out my door and straight to her. He might as well have taken my heart with him, because I feel nothing but hollow right now. All that’s left is pain, fears, and vulnerabilities. I don’t know if I’ll ever really be able to feel good again. Years and years of therapy couldn’t fix all that’s wrong with me.

I swallow the pain of losing Jace, yet again. It tastes like morphine mixed with acid. It burns, but makes me feel numb all at the same time.

I have group again today and I’m not sure I even want to go, or if I should go after Jace’s warning about finding another therapist and clinic. I have to fulfill my probation, though. Either way, this is the last time I’ll attend this group. Hopefully, my request for a new placement has been received and I can go elsewhere soon.

Pulling myself out of bed, I shower and get dressed. Standing in front of the mirror, I look at myself and wonder: is this really all there is? Is this all that I am? All that I’ll ever be?

My face is pale, and the circles under my eyes are pretty much permanent these days. I grab my makeup bag and do what I can to conceal the visible flaws. After blow-drying my hair, I give myself one last look in the mirror and see a pathetic, lost person in a flawed woman’s body —a body marred with visible and invisible scars.