The Years After (42 page)

Or he could finish what he started. It all started on the day Tony hunted him down and found him crazily going after Quentrell with a gun he didn’t even have the guts to use. This time, he could think it out and plan it. He could—

What? What could he do? Murder his brother? Murder anyone? He couldn’t. His stomach turned every time he thought of even speaking to Quentrell, so how could he even contemplate his murder? He—

His phone chimed and he reached across the bed, fumbling around until he found it and clicked on his messages.
Olivia.
Shock filled him like lead. His limbs felt too heavy to move. After the strange, emotional, totally-bat-shit-unbelievable conversation they shared, Olivia went to her room and Derek suffered for awhile in the presence of all the adults before retreating too.

Now, at three-thirty-four at night, she was contacting him. His heart felt beaten up. Like it wanted to play dead for awhile if only to avoid dealing with anything more he didn’t understand.

Hi.

He smiled at the simple greeting in the middle of the night.
Hi,
he typed back.

That was intense.

I’m pretty sure my balls shrunk and have been replaced with lady parts.

That’s stupid and sexist to think you can’t show emotions without being a girl!

Stupid maybe, but I still cried like a little sissy.

I cry all the time too. Does that make me stupid or a sissy?

She always got him, and this time, it was a slam to the heart.
NO. No, of course not.

This stuff is just so big. I can’t handle it. I lie here thinking about it all the time. I’m afraid all the time. I worry about you all the time. I suffer whenever I’m thinking of what you suffered.

I shouldn’t have told you. I should have run and disappeared like my gut keeps telling me to do now.

I thought maybe you already had. I wasn’t sure you’d answer tonight.

If I hadn’t, it could have been because I was just sleeping.

Were you?

No. Not even close.

Yeah, me neither.

Silence. His phone went totally silent. He stared at it in the gloom of the room, his heart hurting still. He finally typed in something that scared him more than anything else to date.

When I saw you tonight, after so much time, all I wanted to do was grab you. Or run from you. I’m so sorry. It chokes me up. I hate what I did to you. I want to run from it. But then… I love you, Olivia. I fell in love with you and I still am. It feels like it will never stop. But that’s not okay. You deserve better. Healthier. Someone who’s not a criminal.

Silence again.
Then,

I feel the same way. I’m in love with you. I know that. I saw that and felt it again clearly. I just don’t know what to do about it. I’m scared of you. You were a criminal and I didn’t even sense it. I know you can lie. I know you can hurt me. But I know now why you did. It doesn’t excuse it, but it does explain it. But then again… and it’s the “but” I get caught up on.

His heart stopped and his lungs felt like they filled with water.
Did she just write that?
He stared at the words. Yup, they were there. It was real. He didn’t imagine or dream it. Everything he wanted or could wish for lay in one sentence:
I’m in love with you
.

But… there were all these “buts” that prevented it from happening.

Am I bad for you? Will I ruin your life?

I don’t know. That’s what has me so confused. But then, I’m not perfect either. If we were ever together, we would have to be equals, partners. It can’t be all about me like I’m some kind of Madonna on a pedestal; and you constantly needing my forgiveness, or always trying to prove how deserving you are of me.

Is there ever a chance we could be together? I didn’t think that was even possible.

My heart says yes. Now. Today. My head says NO. Run. He’ll hurt you. He’ll destroy you again.

I don’t want to do that. That is the only thing I do know. If I can stop it, I will not hurt you. I will be honest with you. If my running would make it easier for you, I’ll be out the door before you can shut your phone down. Just say, Olivia.

Silence. Minutes ticked by. His heart grew heavy. It felt like a dam just broke. He could not stop his heart from wanting all the positive feelings and people and sincere care he now enjoyed having around him. It was frustrating to want what others controlled.

Then… the door opened. With a soft click, the door opened and Olivia stepped inside before softly shutting it behind her. The room looked gloomy in the strange shadows, but was not completely dark. She was a slim shadow as she leaned back against the bedroom door. Silence still pervaded the house except for the clock ticking in the living room, and a soft hum from the central air conditioner through the vents. Olivia stood still as a statue. He held his breath as he stared at her. Forcing himself to start breathing again, his heart began hammering in his chest, while his blood felt like it rushed inside his ears.
What was she doing here?
His tongue grew thick and clumsy in his mouth. He had no idea what to say or do.

He should order her out of there. Tony might find her. What would Tony do to him? Or Will for that matter? Will was a little meaner to him than Tony, so yeah, what would the Special Forces soldier do to him? He sat up slowly, all the while, holding her gaze.

She pressed a finger to her lips and took a step forward, repeating it, until she was standing right at the edge of the bed. She slipped her knee on it, then her other one, before approaching him. He stared in abject horror at her.
She was not allowed to be there.
That’s all that kept flying through his brain. Panicking him. No, this was wrong. This was never supposed to happen. He was not allowed near Olivia again.

He tried to back up, but she came forward and shook her head.

When she reached out and laced her hands around his neck, pulling herself against him, it felt like the whole world finally made sense again. Olivia was like every treasure he could ever hope to seek or want being placed right into his hands. He stared at her, now only inches from his face. Looking hard into her eyes, they were impossible for him to read. They weren’t innocent and wide with flecks of hope and shyness anymore. They were cooler. The glinted with an edge that he put there. Distrust. Being burned. The realization that she had to be aware of what stood in front of her, even if she didn’t want to show it.

She leaned her face forward until their foreheads touched and they were staring nearly cross-eyed into each other’s eyes. Neither of them blinked. Or smiled. Or spoke. Olivia finally sighed and tilted the lower part of her face forward until her lips touched his. It was barely a meeting of the lips. Not a wet kiss, just a dry encounter of lips to lips. Olivia shut her eyes as a weird ripple traveled down her body. She leaned her head down until it rested on his shoulder and curled up into his chest. His arms encircled her and he held her. And held her. No words. No real interaction. Just the joy of holding each other.

He ran his hands into her short cap of hair. Softly, he asked, “Why did you cut all your hair off?”

She shrugged. “Because I could. Why? You don’t like me without it?”

“You could be bald and I’d still be on my knees, so grateful to have you. I just wondered if I were the cause of that too.”

“Yes. In all honesty, I did it out of frustration and grief. I felt like I couldn’t control where my life had been or where it was going.”

He inhaled a deep breath. “I’m so sorry.”

She traced his lips with her thumb. “It’s just hair, Derek. Hair grows back.”

He grabbed her hand in his and pressed it against his lips. “You’re still the most extraordinary person I know.”

She sat up before leaning back down on the bed, pulling him next to her. Crossing her arms over his back, she held on for what felt like dear life. He rocked and held and soothed her as she cried on him. So long ago, all he wanted was to hold her so he could somehow convey how sorry he was. He never dreamed he’d live long enough to actually get the chance, let alone deserve it. Yet here she was, in his arms. Her tears dampened his neck. She didn’t make much noise. She sobbed silently with an occasional soft sniff. She ran her fingers into his hair and stroked his head. He closed his eyes to her soft ministrations. Leaning back far enough to set his lips on her damp cheek, he kissed one and then the other. When he did, she cupped his face in her hands and leaned into him to kiss him.

He didn’t know if it were right or wrong. He didn’t know anymore what could ever be considered right or wrong. But being near Olivia was the only thing that had ever, in his entire nineteen years, felt right.

But that’s what was wrong with it: he was the worst thing for her.

He leaned back and whispered as his lips just barely touched the skin under her ear and on her neck. “This isn’t okay.”

She nodded and took his face in her hands as she stared right into his eyes. “It is okay if I say it is. I don’t have to ask my dad’s permission, Derek. I know that I might be making a mistake, but it’s my mistake, and one I’m choosing to make. It’s my risk, and I’m accepting it. This time, I think I know the truth about you, and I think it’s time my heart gets to decide. But right now, I feel like I need to be close to you. I need to know I wasn’t wrong about what I believe lies inside of you. Things that are deeper and more significant than all the mistakes you made. You can’t undo mistakes, but you can try to do better in the future. However, personality defects? Those can’t be fixed. And I really think there is a lot of good in you. But first, you need to learn to forgive yourself; that’s the only way you really can move forward and be
better
.”

He listened. He really listened to her words. A strange, almost peaceful feeling settled near his heart. “I promise I’m going to try and do everything I can to be
better
.”

“Good,” she whispered and her mouth touched his again. He halted her by holding her head. “Are you sure we don’t need to—”

“What? Ask for my father’s permission to have sex?” she asked, her eyes unblinking. He forgot that side of her. Sometimes, she wasn’t shy and sweet, but very much out there and forthright.
Sex?
They were really going to have sex? He wasn’t sure. Or what was right to do anymore. Following the demands of his hormones and heart and brain usually led him down the wrong path. “Hate to break it to you; but he’s never going to give you that. He’s never going to give any man that, ever, no matter how old I get.”

Strangely, a freaking smile appeared on his face. A smile. He thought he might never feel like smiling again.

And even better was the smile that shone on her face too. It was the first real smile, and sense of joy and connection they shared since that day when she first discovered what he was. For a few moments, it was a reminder of the thing that drew them together despite him knowing better, and her hesitation.

Then, in trying to be real and honest, he said softly, “I think it would be a mistake. I want to… I always want to with you, but I think it would be mistake to cap off all the other mistakes of my life. I need to do this better. And if we ever stand a chance someday in the future, which I want more than anything, I have to start behaving better.”

Her head jerked back and he thought maybe he said too much. His heart stilled. Did she just want to have sex so she could maybe move on from him? Maybe there was no thought to them being together. Maybe she just needed closure. Maybe she was just lonely. Maybe—

“Do you think there is ever a chance where we could be together again? Maybe for the first time even?”

His heart felt frozen and hurt. He didn’t know. He had no idea what the future would bring, but his most reverent wish was to be with Olivia. “I would want to be with you. If we could ever find a way through all this, to the other side, there is nothing I’d want more than you. I love you, Olivia. Despite all I did to suggest otherwise. I love you.”

She drew in a breath and tilted her face down so her forehead softly rested on his shoulder. Her body trembled slightly. Then she kissed his collarbone. “As I said in the beginning, we are too young for this. For how it feels. For everything that happened. For what we were talking about.”

He just barely shook his head. “I know. But it doesn’t change what it is.”

She sighed. “I love you too. I don’t know what that means, if anything. But I have not stopped loving you. And I want you close to me tonight. Even if it’s just me lying beside you.”

He took her in his arms and held her against his entire length as they lay together, feeling each other, breathing almost in unison. Finally, he drifted off to sleep and for perhaps the first time ever, believed tomorrow just might be better than yesterday. Until Olivia, he’d never experienced that feeling before.

****

Derek woke up to the guest bedroom door being slammed open. There stood Tony. He shoved Olivia away from him and sat up while blinking hard.
Crap!
Tony would surely kill him now. There was no other outcome. He glanced down. Thank God they were both fully dressed and he could really claim innocence. He held up his hands. “We didn’t do anything! Well… I guess we kissed a few times. Nothing more. Nothing at all!”

Olivia rolled over and in a slower, calmer manner, she glanced at her dad. “Breathe, Dad. He’s telling the truth. He turned me down flat.” Then she grinned, unbelievably, she grinned at the scowling, tall, one-armed, angry, former soldier that was also her damn
father.
Was she trying to get Derek murdered and buried in their back yard?

She swung her legs to the side of the bed and yawned. She was still wearing her jeans, t-shirt, and even her socks.

Tony shut his eyes and scrunched his face up. “You will be the death of me, young lady.”