The Worst Romance Novel Ever Written (31 page)

What fool company would make those?
“They make those?”

“
Sure. Annoying little devils that make your eyes play tricks on you, but …”

Gloria shook some cobwebs out of her head. “Well, I guess we could try. Just … don’t get her anything fluffy or girly, and anything about ancient Egypt would be a plus.”

I won’t ask.

“
Johnny, we gotta go!”

I am not entertaining her.
“Should I bring lunch?”

Gloria shook her head. “It’s soup and sandwich Saturday.”

“
How alliterative.”

“
You won’t be able to stay very long, though. Don’t you have to go to work?”
And take a shower? Geez, I need one, too. He made me sweat all night!

“
I’ll stay long enough to get Angel started, maybe help her with the border.”

“
She hates anyone helping her.”

How did I know she would say that?
“Then I’ll just annoy her with my charm,” Johnny said, kissing Gloria on the forehead. “Eww, sorry. I haven’t brushed my teeth yet.”

“
Me neither.”

“
How are we going to kiss then?” He put his hand over his mouth. “Like this?”

“
Johnny. I have to go.”

Johnny walked into his only closet and came out wearing his shoes and another hoody.
I’m magic like that. He then went into the bathroom and brushed his teeth.

“
Johnny, we have to go!”

Johnny spat into the sink and waved the toothbrush at Gloria.

Is he kidding?
“I am not using your toothbrush.”

Johnny scratched some stray toothpaste goo from the corner of his mouth. “But we kissed a lot last night, right? We shared some bodily fluids …”

“
Johnny, it’s just gross, okay?”

Johnny sighed. “At least I can kiss you.”

“
Not on the mouth!”

Johnny dropped to his knees, pulled up Gloria’s shirt, and kissed her stomach.

Gloria tried not to laugh. “Please, let’s just go!”

Johnny shook his head. “The dame couldn’t wait to get here last night, and now she can’t wait to leave.” He kissed her stomach again.

“
Right,” Gloria said. “Now let’s go!”

They drove in silence for about a block before Gloria said, “Can’t this thing go any faster?”

“
The Vega,” Johnny said, “she is temperamental in the morning.”
Like someone else I’m getting to know.
“She will go as fast as she can until she warms up.”

“
Well, tell her to move it or lose it!”

Johnny stepped on the gas pedal. “Moving it.”

Against Johnny’s protests, Gloria got out two blocks away from her house. “You’re so clandestine,” he said.

“
Just come back around lunchtime.”

“
Okay.” He smiled. “I’ll just back away slowly then? I wish I had a disguise.”

Gloria growled once, stormed down the pockmarked sidewalk on Melrose, and turned up her nice, neat sidewalk, halting at the bottom of the steps to the porch.
Okay. This is how I’ll play it. Mama had some things on her mind, and she just needed to go for a long walk. Mamas do that sometimes to clear their heads. It’s nothing you did. I just needed some me time to get a little thinking done. Yeah. That’ll do it.

She opened the door and immediately faced Angel.

“
Where’s Johnny?” Angel asked.

Gloria blinked rapidly. “Where’s Johnny?”

“
Yeah. Grandma said you were with Johnny.”

That old woman!
“Um, Johnny is probably at his house, baby.”
Knowing that Vega, though, he’s probably still in the same spot.
She tried to step around Angel, but Angel stepped in her way.

“
Grandma said Johnny came here last night and took you to his house.”

I hate that old woman!
“Mama and Johnny had a … sleepover.”
We played “Break the Futon” and “Stop the Hand Before It Sets Me on Fire” and everything.

Angel shook her head. “Adults don’t have sleepovers.”

“
Some do.” Gloria slid sideways by Angel and hung up her coat in the closet. “Sleep well?”

“
Yes.” Angel frowned. “Why did you have a sleepover with Johnny?”

It’s a fair question, and not one I have a good answer for.
“We had a lot to talk about, Angel.”

“
Johnny talks too much.”

Gloria bent down.
She thinks shy Johnny talks a lot?
“Johnny talks no more than anybody else you know.”
Except for that wench listening to all this and smirking in the kitchen.

“
Well, he was sure talking a lot yesterday,” Angel said.

Was he? Not really.
“Maybe he was just nervous about meeting you.”

“
Why?”

“
Well, he likes me a lot, and he wants you to like him a lot.”

“
Why?”

I keep walking into these questions.
“Because he wants … all people to like him.”

“
That’s impossible. Besides, that’s not what Grandma said.”

I
cannot wait to hear what else that old woman told her.
“And what did your delightful Grandma say?”

“
Grandma said that Johnny is your boyfriend.” Angel looked at the floor. “Is that true?”

Geez, old lady. Even I haven’t called him that yet.
“Well, we like each other an awful lot, but Johnny isn’t my boyfriend.”
Hear that, Grandma?

“
Oh.”

“
Is there anything else you want to know, Angel?”

“
No.”

That’s all I had to do? I tell the truth, sort of, and she stops asking questions. I might as well go for it.
“Johnny will be visiting us a lot more from now on. Maybe every day. In fact, he’s coming over later for lunch, and we’re all going to work on a jigsaw puzzle.”

Marion cackled from the kitchen.

Oh, I get the irony of all this, old lady, but you don’t know the half of it. We were two puzzle pieces last night, and we fit together just fine in that corner and on that skinny little bed.

“
Um, go clean your room, Angel.”

“
It’s already clean.”

Because it’s never dirty.
“Then start your chores.”

“
I already did them.”

Of course you did, and Grandma made sure of it so you could grill me as soon as I came in, didn’t she?
“Then why don’t you …”
Oh geez, I’m about to say it.
“Why don’t you go read your new book?”

Angel smiled, said, “Okay,” and raced up the stairs.

Gloria went into the kitchen to confront the squealing, cackling wench. “Why’d you tell her, Mama?”

“
Because you wouldn’t have,” Marion said.

True, but …
“It’s not your place.”

Marion threw up her hands. “My name is on the deed to this place.”

“
You know what I mean. She’s my child, and I will tell her the important things, okay?”

Marion sipped her coffee. “I held out as long as I could, but when she asked, ‘Where’s Mama?’ for the hundred and fiftieth time in ten minutes, I broke down. She’s a persistent something-something. You know that. No person alive could withstand that.”

I can barely stand all her questions myself.
“You could have told her that I would tell her when I got home.”

“
And then I’d be listening to, ‘When’s Mama gonna come home?’ I told her the truth. I do that around here.”

Gloria sat. “But did you have to use the B-word?”

“
Would you rather I said that you were getting frisky with Johnny? I could have, you know. And then you and Miss Angel would be having the talk right now.”

Gloria shuddered. “It’s much too soon for that.”

Marion leaned in and whispered, “Your child is about ten years ahead of her peers academically. She’s already fifteen years old in her mind. Just imagine—”

“
I don’t want to think about that now, okay?” Gloria interrupted.

Marion sat back. “You are one cranky thing this morning.” She smiled. “He has big hands, doesn’t he?”

Gloria smiled, imagining Johnny’s roving hands. “He has very big hands.”

Marion nodded sagely. “It’s about time you realized that I have some knowledge around here, but didn’t he want to … you know?”

I can’t answer that one, I mean, if he wanted to, we probably would have.

Sorry, Lord.

“
Johnny’s working through a few things in his life right now, and so am I.” Gloria took a deep breath. “I really think this is going to last.”

Marion sighed and shook her head. “You’ve known him for only four months. He’s practically a stranger.”

“
Johnny is not a stranger, Mama,” Gloria said. “He’s my boyfriend.”

Marion grinned. “And now you’ve finally realized it. You said the B-word.”

“
No I …”
I did, didn’t I? But why?

Marion walked behind Gloria’s chair and kissed her cheek. “I just wanted to hear you say it. For a few minutes there, I was worried.”

Gloria looked behind her.
What just happened?
“So why were you worried exactly?”

“
I was worried that you and Angel would never leave this house. Now you have a man in your life, a man who is coming over to play with a puzzle, of all things. It must be love.”

Gloria stood. “Now Mama, it’s a long leap from boyfriend to husband.”
Oh my God! I said the H-word!
“And we’re not even in love yet.”

“
He is.”

Gloria’s eyes dropped. “He says he is.”

“
And you’re holding up the show.” Marion left the kitchen and went to the hall closet. “Figures. Man with big hands isn’t good enough for Gloria.” She slid out a card table. “Sure, he drives a lime green clown-mobile, but he has a nice face and manners, isn’t an idiot, and that isn’t good enough for Gloria.”

Gloria stepped into the hallway. “It’s not about being good enough, Mama. Johnny told me some amazing things about himself, but I just don’t—”

“
Take this.” Marion handed the table to Gloria. “Set it up in front of the loveseat.”

Gloria carried the table into the living room, and Marion followed with two folding chairs.

“
How picky can you afford to be, Gloria?” Marion asked. “It isn’t like men are knocking on your door with any regularity. Before Johnny, when was the last time you even talked to a man for more than five minutes? And your gynecologist doesn’t count.”

No one, but she already knows that.
Gloria set up the table then took one of the chairs, unfolded it, and slid it into place. “I just want to be sure, okay? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a hundred percent sure.”

“
There are no guarantees in this life, Gloria,” Marion said. “I had plenty of doubts about Nathan before I married him. Plenty. And I had been knowing him a long time. Yet I still worried myself to death about where he was or who he was with. Was I ever completely sure of him? No. That kind of thing ain’t possible. I had to learn to trust the man, and he did right by me for over thirty years. I’m warning you, Gloria. You wait too long, it won’t matter if you’re sure or not.” Marion went to the window. “Your boyfriend is here already?”