The World's Biggest Bogey (11 page)

‘Wonderfluff!’

‘Just a minute,’ interrupted Professor Walkinshaw, gazing at Matthew. ‘Can you understand what Danny is saying?’

‘Yeah, course I can,’ answered Matthew. ‘He just said he was starving and did I have anything nice to eat.’

Danny nodded and looked at his mum. ‘The worms are cooking tea cosies in the cup.’

Matthew laughed. ‘He said he’s glad the giant farting baby didn’t hurt you.’

‘So what did he mean by “Dribble on the fat bucket, Dopey”?’ asked Natalie.

Matthew glanced cheekily at Danny. ‘Er . . . he said that you’re looking extremely beautiful today, Natalie.’

The boys sniggered. Natalie glared at them.

‘This is even more baffling,’ said the professor. ‘The
Extraordinary Understanding
of Trauma-induced Nonsensical Pronouncements is even rarer than Trauma-induced
Nonsensical Pronouncements itself.’

Matthew looked at Danny and rolled his eyes. ‘You’re a trillion times easier to understand than
him
,’ he said.

‘Wonderfluff!’ laughed Danny.

‘Cool!’ agreed Matthew.

St Egberts Childrens Hospital, Walchester

Bucket scoops, Captain Barnacle

All’s well now bouncing Bernard can whistle at a box of toenails. She’s a lid off a daffodil with trumpets, but she’s
got loops on a drainpipe to hoot! Sticky-tape buns climbed a feathery broom for bits and bobs of Ace delight, but fairies strum the droop.

Hey diddle diddle, Bernard winks merrily at the dishcloths of doom.

My wobbles die happy. The widgets swoon and Bernard can swing my trainers to fly through the ears of camels. Doggies sing for droopy
drawers! Wonderfluff!

Can three coughing spacemen drip whiskers on the Fingers of Gloop? The petals cut through the beans and juggled with a pair of buttery
bats, then prancing angels dazzled the piles of withering toads, daring the pots to swish their mangles: purple hippos, purple llamas, purple lions or purple elephants. Oink!

What do piglets find so funny, when mummies do the tango?

Ding-dong

Drainy Babbler

Hello, Mr Bibby

My best friend Matthew will translate this letter for you. I’m writing gobbledegook at the moment, and I’m talking
gobbledegook as well. I was hit on the head by a great big box of Wonderfluff nappies, and now I keep talking rubbish.

The weird thing is, Matthew can understand everything I say.

The doctors are baffled. They’ve asked Matthew to stay at the hospital too, so that he can tell them what I’m saying.
We’re both getting to miss school! Ace!

Remember how I was trying to break the record for Walking Backwards? I had to stop to save my mum from being bashed by a big blow-up
baby, but I know exactly how long I walked backwards for, because the accident broke my watch: thirteen days, thirteen hours, thirteen minutes and thirteen seconds. Spooky!

Did I break the record as well as my watch?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

‘Bucket scoops’, Danny and Matthew

I’m sorry to hear about your accident with the box of nappies, Danny, but I’m glad to see your illness hasn’t affected
your interest in breaking records.

The World Record for Persistent Reverse Perambulation is held by Billy Walklater of Ambleside, Cumbria. He took walking backwards into the
twenty–first century when he began using satellite navigation to guide him along. Unfortunately, after 332 days of Reverse Perambulation, his satnav took him down a dead end, and he walked
backwards into a brick wall. Billy had broken the record, but his attempt was over. So he decided to make the most of the situation and go for the world record for Standing Against a Brick Wall. He
has been there for 421 days so far, but has another 2965 days to go to before he can claim that record.

Get well soon, Danny!

Ding–dong

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

Professor Walkinshaw and Dr Sri stood by Danny’s bed.

‘Danny I’ve contacted my fellow Brain Boffins around the world to tell them about you, and they’re
very
excited. You and Matthew are unique, and they all want to meet
you.’

‘Snip-snap,’ remarked Danny.

‘That’s nice,’ said Matthew.

‘I’d like you both to spend a few days on the Bertha Blenkinsop Ward, so that we can study you and try to make you better, Danny.’

‘It’s where all the other children with baffling illnesse stay.’ Dr Sri smiled. ‘It’s got a really good games room.’

‘Wonderfluff!’ said Danny. ‘Clean that tricky zebra and keep the garden small.’

‘Yeah,’ agreed Matthew. ‘Let’s hope there
are
some kids our age to play with.’

At the door to the ward, Dr Sri stopped and pulled a false beard out of his pocket. It was short and black. He hooked the ends over his ears, and carefully arranged the beard close to his
chin.

He reached into a small box by the door, and pulled out two more beards. He handed a long, curly orange one to Danny, and a thick, bushy brown one to Matthew.

‘Will you put these on, please?’ he said.

‘Why?’ asked Matthew.

Dr Sri smiled. ‘You’ll see.’

He led them down the corridor towards three nurses who were standing by the reception desk. They were wearing false beards too. One of them strolled over to the boys.

‘I’m Sister Morris,’ she said, ‘and you must be Danny and Matthew.’