The Witch Within (11 page)

I drink some more stream water and Algíz meanwhile points at the two birches opposite us. I notice that they are intertwined into one of the symbolic shapes, or rather, one of the secret alphabet letters.

Ingwaz.

It makes me think of a void and I feel the thrill of fear when I contemplate it. What if I'm about to face a void, or have I already passed through it?

When I take a closer look at the tree, I detect that there are many letters of the secret alphabet already inherent in the bark and in the branches. It's truly amazing how nature repeats the same patterns over and over again. Circles and crosses, crosses and circles, and the perpetual variety of this utmost simplicity. I lie on the grass, although it’s soaking wet, as I simply crave a connection to the ground these days. I let the sun fill me with light and comfort, and the thought of God again takes a hold of my mind.

I turn to Algíz, who is still by my side, and hope that perhaps she has something to say at last, but she just moves her finger to her lips and I notice how the two shapes merge into one - a cross. Then she blinks at me and disappears.

I turn back to the sun and close my eyes, wondering if I will see something through the veil of my eyelids. Nothing but the single point of light, the centre that expands and withdraws as though it is breathing. Slightly disappointed, I turn to face the forest, when an idea crosses my mind. Perhaps the sun resembles God. One can never look directly into the glory for too long, and he might blind himself if he tried. Maybe one can only see God with an inner sight, or maybe it's all right if I don’t know who or what God is. After all, there are so many wonders to explore.

*

I went mushroom picking today and found a generous amount of bolets and shaggy parasols. Then, as I idly wondered about, I sensed Daniel’s presence again. His sneaky steps approached from behind, I turned and saw him standing there, his hungry eyes popping out of his invisible greyish face. He looked like a spider lurking in the dark, but I resisted becoming a fly trapped in his slimy poison. And so I snarled at him:

“Go! Get the hell out of here! This is my home, you hear?”

I have learned that such a persistent anger aimed towards him is the only thing that keeps him away, because he seems to be attracted to my fear. This time he turned to me before vanishing, as if he was saying goodbye. I got the feeling he wouldn’t come back, at least not for a while. I think I stopped feeding my hate and I might have even forgiven him in some way. Now, as I have made a fire and am about to pierce the first shaggy parasol with a branch, a small ball of light pops out, as if escaping the stinging impact. I try to focus on the odd vision more precisely and notice that it actually resembles a small creature, a fragile one with a hat similar to the top of the mushroom. Soon I behold there are more of them around and they assemble by the blackberry bushes. Could it be that they are mushroom gnomes? Before the thought leaves my mind, one of them looks at me, as if he has read my mind. His face is wrinkly and cute, but he says nothing and then follows the group that has disappeared into the bushes. How strange, I would never have thought that such beings could exist beyond the fairy tale realms. I suppose that more surprises like these are awaiting me.

I start to roast the mushrooms and keep my mind open to their possible presages. After all, they were quite precise last time. Each bite is precious to me and as I'm chewing, I become aware of how much power I'm receiving. And then I hear them speak:

“We live in the mushrooms, we live in the trees

We live in the moss and beneath the seas.

You're welcome to see us for we may be of use

When the horses gallop and send warning to the roots

And the unliving/undead warriors march to the woods.

Be aware for she is near

And plays with the power we all fear.”

“Who is?!”

They say nothing more. I wonder who they mean. Instinctively, I peer toward the Cursed Mount and see a minuscule figure standing at its peak.

*

I'm resting on the stone bed underneath two woollen blankets, yet my teeth are chattering. The nights are still chilly, although the days already resemble the new birth of life. I think tomorrow I will be ready to take a longer walk and explore the more remote areas of this forest. I have been hiding here behind the wall of blackberries all winter long, it has been far too long. With the thought of tomorrow’s journey, I doze off...

This time I'm aware that I'm dreaming, even though the dream seems terribly real. I'm tied to a tree, like I used to be when my captors needed to get rid of me. I can feel Daniel’s hands all over my body, although he is not there. I fight the invisible power in despair, trying to chase away those freezing cold hands. I feel sick to my stomach as he reaches my thigh and then; Nathaniel manifests in front of me and it is him now touching me. His hand is warm and I feel no shame or repulsion, I yearn for him as he does for me. He leans closer and presses his lips on mine, while his hand starts moving higher and higher up my thigh until I…

Awake, enthused by the sudden thrill. It takes me some time to digest the strange dream. Never in my life have I experienced such excitement, particularly in my lower belly. It still tickles with the explosion of warmth. I touch it and feel the elevating yet unpleasant pressure, as though something is being repressed in there, but I don’t know what it is or how to free it.

But one thing I know for sure. If Nathaniel came through that entrance hole right now, I would yield, completely.

*

Walking through the forest, I admire the chirpy bird songs that fill the air, and inhale the fresh sweetness that evaporates from the fertile grounds. As I silently admire the beauty of creation coming back to life, I get the feeling that I'm not alone. It's not an animal presence I sense, it’s human. During the few months of solitude my mind has become clearer and my senses have intensified. I also catch the scent of fire and follow it. Soon, I spot a small clearing ahead of me and a well-established fire pit. Nathaniel?!

I'm surprised how thrilled I get when the vision comes to me. I approach the fire, and to my disappointment, I spot a female figure. I only see her back, since she is covered in a dark cape. She warms her hands over the flames and then freezes. She has sensed my presence too, I can tell.

I hide behind one of the thick ash trees and watch her. She looks my way and her lips curl into a faint smile. It seems as though she silently summons me to accompany her. I discard my doubts and pass the trees.

“Hello stranger.”

She greets me, not at all surprised. As I approach, I observe that her eyes are coal black, her hair rather short and greyish blond. She has sharp features and I’m guessing she could be around forty years old. Her clothes are shabby and have ostensibly been altered too many times. She’s also wearing a belt with three daggers hanging from it. That makes me suspicious.

“Who are you?” I ask her, not trying to cover up my distrust.

“Someone like you, I suppose.”

She squats and clears the nearest vicinity for me so that I can join her.

“Have a seat if you like.”

I do move closer, but retain the already established distance between us.

“I know how you feel. I used to be as distrustful. But then I met more women like myself and realised that we, the outcasts, the so-called witches or the devil brides, are like sisters joined in the same common misapprehension. That is why we should stick together.”

She locks her blazing eyes with mine and I notice how intense they are, almost mad. My first impression of this woman is not very good. I remain alert; however, I also let her say what she must.

“There are twelve of us. The youngest one has just turned fifteen and the oldest has reached eighty five. We live up there on the Cursed Mount. It’s getting better, we have gotten used to the solitude. Each of us had something to contribute, so we’ve managed to gather up lots of goods and food. We have made the cave up there liveable.

We have all suffered, but decided to forget and start a new life. Life, where we are our own masters and where men can’t hold us down, tame us to be their slaves. Some of us know how to fight, some know how to heal and others are good at survival techniques. We all contribute to our society somehow and so far have managed to establish a peaceful settlement.

We have also been trying to heal our hearts from the grief and strife that we have experienced. We have simply learned to survive with what nature grants us, but most importantly, we have learned to be ourselves on that mount.”

Their way of living soothes my torn soul. She has proven to me that things can improve if one tries. Perhaps these women are to be trusted; after all, their destiny is similar to mine.

“Aren’t you afraid of what the legends say though?”

“What do they say?”

“That nobody could ever really live up there, that it’s inhospitable.”

“Oh. Well, it is hospitable. I can tell you that there is nothing frightening about that place either. Not even wolves seek shelter up there, they dwell in the more remote, higher peaks.”

She pauses for a while and peers at me.

“You can come for a visit if you like?”

Although I'm tempted, my distrust perseveres. Something tells me that it would not be wise to join them. I spot her smiling again.

“I’m Edana. What’s your name?”

I decide not to answer and to remain dubious.

“You must have spent many days alone out here... it must be hard for you, never talking to anyone? But I believe you will warm up eventually. We are all very keen to get to know you. If you decide to visit us, you will receive a truly warm welcome.”

That makes me alert.

“You all? But how would the others know that I live here? I haven’t stumbled upon any of you before.”

She answers with another inquisitive question.

“Where do you live?”

I can’t bring myself to tell her and so I use her technique instead.

“Why do you care?”

She smiles again.

“I know, we hardly know each other, but still, I hope that we will be friends. We have managed in our group of twelve, but we could use a thirteenth companion.”

“Thank you, but I prefer solitude.”

I can tell that she is not very pleased with my reaction.

“If you ever feel like you could use some company, you're very welcome to visit our camp.”

“Why do you trust me? You don’t know me.”

She is obviously amused by my reaction, for she lets out a hoarse laugh.

“Oh Talitha, I know more about you than you think!”

Then I spot the big mole on her neck.

*

Since meeting Edana, I have been curious about the Cursed Mount. From the second level of my cave I have a better view of the peak and often catch myself trying to find the best way to get up there. But whenever I think of actually going, I postpone it and so I wait, and wait, in my solitude, occasionally visited by Algíz, who tends to join me when I watch the starry sky, the patterns and symbols under the secret disguise. She usually keeps quiet and speaks only when necessary and only when asked. I have also decided to repaint the symbols in the cave. Algíz advised me to use a mixture of my menstrual blood and water, and led my hand while chanting the names of each shape. She told me that when the time comes and I finally accept her, I will know all of the chants by heart.

Chapter 8 – Cursed Mount

The sun has veiled the forest in a blissful heat wave. Each day something new is being born, revealing its greatest potential. I marvel over the beauty as I amble through the forest. Eventually, I take my worn-out shoes off and walk barefoot over the lush green moss and enjoy the grandeur of the blooming trees. The bumblebees’ buzz has interrupted the singing of the birds, and I behold the spring flowers, white and blue. They cling to one another, leading their quiet dialogues as they rise to bathe in the sun rays.

I pass my favourite ash tree grove and feel the immense thrill of the magnificent old beings. When I listen cautiously, it sounds like they are sighing in the sweet rapture of delight. I lay myself over their massive roots and inhale the elevating smell of the white florets. Even when I close my eyes, I see the intense green they radiate. I acquire more and more knowledge from these lands. They make me comprehend that everything, everything around me, is alive and spirited. There are so many intricate worlds and these latent realms become more apparent during this time of the year. I desire to find the connection to these lands, to truly become one with this splendid web of life.

I walk all the way to the river which separates this side of the forest from the one further on the east. Although the water is still quite cool, I decide to take a swim. My body needs to cleanse off all the piled up dirt and sweat. I let go of all my clothes and jump into the cold water. I move swiftly to warm up and remember to breathe properly so that I don’t get caught up in the shock of the chill. After a moment of peaceful swimming, the previously calm stream starts flowing more rapidly. I panic when I realise that my cave is south and the stream moves me toward the north and so I frantically crash through the waves and reach the shore.

At that moment I behold Algíz floating above the river, laughing at me. I read her mind and understand what she implies. I dive into the water again and let the stream take me. Eventually I calm down and swim along with it. Soon, I detect that I can reach the bottom with my feet and so I stand and let the waves crash into me as they unmercifully struggle forward. I watch the sun with my eyes closed and absorb its heat. I can hear the river singing. It sings in its own language, incomprehensible and distant to my ears, yet the core of the melody seems somehow familiar.

When I open my eyes, I notice the sparks of light on the water surface, the endless variety of little stars. They remain on the spot despite the stream that tries to carry them onward.