The Wildest Heart (38 page)

“I was afraid you wouldn't come back. You were so angry when you just stamped out, leaving me!”

“An' how far did you think I could go? Even if I'd wanted to? You crazy female!” He kissed my half-formed, angry protest into extinction, leaving me out of breath.

“There. Doesn't that tell you something?”

“Lucas…”

“No. Don't talk. Listen, I only stayed out here trying to fix up a better shelter for Diablo. Been meaning to do it before, only I kept putting it off. Even had the hammer an' nails out here, and the boards. See? Everything's wet, but that don't make too much difference.”

“And you chose to come out here in the middle of a storm to do it?”

“You better get used to the fact that I aim to do as I please, anytime I damn well feel like it!”

It was the closest he had come to commitment, and I stared at him.

“Very well. And
you
had better accept the fact that I intend to be just as independent!”

“I accepted that the first time I talked with you. Remember how mad you got? An' then you came running after me like a fool, yelling out my name. Even then I didn't know what to make of you. Still don't. Look at you! Running out here in the rain, naked…”

“Don't you like me this way?” He was leaning over me, his hands on the muddy wall on either side of me, still wearing that ridiculous yellow slicker. Laughing up into his frowning face, I put my arms around his damp body, pressing my face against his chest. “I love
your
body,” I whispered. “And especially when you're not wearing any clothes.”

“You're a shameless hussy!” I think he meant to sound angry, but his voice lacked conviction.

“And you can't hide the fact that you want me in spite of it!” I teased, and could almost have sworn that he reddened with embarrassment. He wasn't used to teasing, nor given to easy laughter unless it was cynical or bitter. I had already discovered this. Perhaps it was because he had never had the chance to feel young and carefree.

“I'll be goddamned if you ain't the boldest-tongued female I've ever come across!” he said threateningly, but when I slid my hand down his belly and touched him, I heard him catch his breath before he put his hands firmly on my shoulders and moved me aside.

“If you're goin' to stay out here you can help me finish what I started out to do, or else go back in the cabin an' stop distractin' me!” His voice was harsh, and his narrow-eyed look warned me to silence, but I obeyed him meekly enough when I saw him shrug out of the slicker and toss it aside. “Damn thing just keeps gettin' in the way, an' I ain't likely to get any wetter than I am now,” he grumbled, adding, when he saw my smile, “an' I don't want any smart comments out of you, either!”

I picked up a board without speaking and held it for him to nail in place, knowing better than to offer to do the hammering myself, in spite of the grim-lipped, drawn look that came to his face when he had to use his right arm.

He was stubborn, almost as stubborn as I was myself. I remembered the time when I had thought of him only as a dark, brooding, and completely ruthless man—an outlaw and a murderer who deserved to be hunted down. I remembered the sickened feeling that had taken hold of me when I learned he was not Elena Kordes's true son, but her lover, and the anger and disgust I had felt afterward should have warned me of the inexplicable, unforeseen involvement of my emotions. But how could I have been prepared when I had never felt such emotions before? All I could be sure of was that Lucas had uncovered some need in me I had not known existed.

I watched him furtively as he worked with an angry concentration, blinking drops of water from my lashes whenever a gust of wind brought the rain slashing against my face. I had not thought a man's body could be beautiful until I had known his. But even the scars that my viciously raking nails and Ramon's knife had left, or the soaked, bloody bandage that showed whitely against his brown skin, could detract from the almost perfect symmetry of flesh and muscle and sinew. I was suddenly seized with a wild and unreasonable surge of jealousy. How could any woman not want such a man? How many women had
he
wanted, and taken?

He looked up suddenly, tawny-green eyes meeting mine, and something passed between us. He put down the hammer and the box of nails and took me by the arm.

“I think we're both crazy, stayin' out here in
this
when there's a fire in the cabin and warm blankets to lay on.”

Water dripped from our bodies and made puddles on the cabin floor. My teeth chattered, and even my face felt numb. But when I made a move to take up the shirt I had discarded earlier, to dry my hair, he pulled me down with him onto the blanket by the fire.

“The blankets will be soaked through! Lucas… wait!”

“No!” he said it fiercely, savagely, his body already moving to claim mine. “I want you just the way you are now. Wet—your hair dripping. Cold outside and warm inside. Rain witch!”

With the storm enclosing us, our loving was another kind of storm. I had never experienced such intensity of feeling, nor such a wanton abandonment to passion. Lucas possessed me, and I wanted to possess him. We gave each other, with our bodies, the commitment that neither of us dared put into words.

We mated. There is no other word for it. We were equal—man and woman; neither asking what we could not give. And later, when the fury of passion had died away into peace and we were content to lie together, still part of each other, I remember thinking that whatever happened later I would always have something that could not be taken from me or lost. An unchangeable moment, encapsulated in time.

We slept, with nothing but the hot, harsh glow of the fire to cover our naked bodies. And when I woke first, I lay still, not wanting to disturb his exhausted sleep; content to lie there and savor the pleasure and pressure of his hard-muscled body on mine. How well I had learned to know his body! I was as familiar with it now as I was with my own. Untaught, I had nevertheless learned how to excite it. I knew the feel and taste and touch of him; I had mapped every scar, every inch of his flesh with my hands and searching lips, as he had done mine. Was it really possible that I was the same woman they had called the marble goddess? With all my learning, and the rational, practical mind I had prided myself upon, how had I failed to recognize that such depths of passion and feeling existed? If, after our first joining, I had still had some stubborn, secret barriers left, they had disappeared now. Why had I kept trying to evade the truth? I was in love with Lucas Cord—shamelessly, recklessly in love, for the first time in my life; and the knowledge left me strangely weak and helpless. Why did it have to be Lucas, of all men? Why not Todd, whose very persistence and self-assurance had brought me close to a kind of loving; why not Mark, who would never hurt me… or even Ramon?

Lying there with my eyes staring into the orange glow of the fire and listening to Lucas's deep, even breathing against my heart, I wondered how it would all end. I had asked him that earlier and he had refused to answer me. There were too many unanswered questions that tugged at my brain when I allowed myself to think. The world outside, which must, inevitably, claim us both again. Elena… oh, God, why must I keep thinking about Elena? I should be more concerned by everything I had learned about Lucas himself. I should have remembered before I came here what he was and what he had done.

Deliberately, I thought of Elmer Bragg, shot from ambush and left to die. Todd Shannon, with the crimson patch of blood spreading, spreading on his white shirt as he lay in the dust. Flo, and what had happened to her. And all the others there must have been. I should have kept on hating and despising this same man in whose arms I now lay, but instead I found myself trapped by the call of my body and my senses, and I knew that against all reason I loved him and would continue to love him. I didn't care what crimes he had committed. If only I could stay with him, things would change, I would make them change! Lucas loved me—he
had
to love me. A man's body cannot lie…

He will not lie to me. I should have asked him before. So many questions, and yet I knew, without any pangs of shame, that no matter what answers he gave me, I was unalterably committed to him. Since we had quarreled our relationship had changed and I was more sure of myself, and of him. Start with the past, I told myself. I was still to afraid to question what the future might hold.

I suppose I must have stirred uneasily, for suddenly I found myself looking into Lucas's sleepy, half-closed eyes. “Are you always such a damn restless sleeper? What's the matter with you—hungry again?”

“Only curious. About something I should have asked before. Your grandfather told me to, but I…”

I felt the wary stiffening of his muscles and rushed on.

“Lucas—will you tell me about Elmer Bragg? The marshal in Silver City said…”

“I know what they all said. An' thought.” I held my breath, releasing it only when I heard him give a long sigh. “All right, Ro. I guess you need to know. Been wonderin' if you'd ever get around to askin'—and then I figured that if your mind was already made up there was no point in my tryin' to change it. But no matter how it seemed, I didn't bushwhack him, Ro. Didn't even hear what had happened, until afterward.”

I said nothing, taking comfort from the fact that his arms continued to hold me as he went on, in a quiet, voice: “I was in jail, a small town in the province of Sonora, when he found me, and God knows how he did that I'd gotten into some kind of trouble up there, and they said they were goin' to let me rot in jail until I could pay the fine they named, or work it off. Mexican jails ain't the healthiest in the world, and I had a hunch, besides, that they were just aimin' to keep me there until the damn
alcalde
got to checkin' across the border on how much reward money was bein' offered for my hide. An' then Bragg turned up. I hadn't seen him since my trial in Socorro; he was the last man I expected to see, and I thought, at first, that Shannon had hired him to find me. Until he started talking about you. About how you'd come all the way from England to claim your pa's share of the ranch, and had hired him to find out all he could. Said there were things he didn't know or wasn't certain of that I could tell you, that you needed all the help an' advice you could get, an' it was up to me to make sure you heard both sides of the story. An' all the time he was talkin' he had this kind of secret grin on his face, like he had somethin' up his sleeve. When he told me I'd probably find meetin' you a real nice surprise I remember he laughed out loud. It made me mad. I told him I didn't trust him, that I thought he was loco, but that old cuss was always the persistent kind. We argued back an' forth, an' he kept remindin' me I didn't have much choice. He'd arrange to bust me out of jail if I gave him a promise I'd go see you an' talk to you. An' to tell the truth…” Lucas grimaced ruefully, “by then I'd started to thinkin' of what would most likely happen to me when some of Shannon's bounty hunters found where I was, and I wasn't of no mind to find out. So Bragg and I made a bargain, and that same night I was loose. I guess he bribed a guard—never did find out, because he'd gone already. I was free, I had a horse and a gun, and I rode like hell until I'd crossed the border.”

I believed him. God knows I had
wanted
to believe him in the first place, but now, meeting Lucas's steady expressionless eyes, all my instincts told me that he had spoken the truth.

“But Lucas, then who…”

“You think I haven't asked myself that too? Or why he kept callin' my name? Mebbe he was tryin' to warn me, mebbe it was just because I was the last one he talked to. Hell, mebbe he thought it
was
me, who knows? But it could have been anyone, Ro. That part of the world is the perfect hideout for outlaws, bandits—the thing that surprised me was that Bragg would have been careful, he
knew
the country, an' the risks.”

We looked at each other, and suddenly, in spite of the fire's heat, I shivered.

“You think it was someone he knew?”

“Or
thought
he knew, maybe. I don't know! An' if half the Rurales an' lawmen on both sides of the border weren't lookin' for me, I'd have gone back to that convent where he was at an' done some checking on my own.”

“
Was?
Oh Lucas, he's not…”

“Don't know that either. All I know is what Flo told me.”

“Flo…”

He must have seen my face change, and sensed my instinctive movement of revulsion, for his arms tightened inexorably about me, holding me still.

“You knew damn well I was meeting Flo! An' I'm sure you guessed she was tellin' me things.”

“You
used
her!” Why did he have to mention Flo?

“Yes, I did, an' I ain't goin' to make no excuses for it, Ro. I had a score to settle, and I went about settling it my way. Flo was unfinished business, an' when I came back an' heard she had left her rich husband an' was staying with her pa again, askin' questions about me—hell, all I could think of was the way she'd lied that time, sayin' I tried to rape her, when all the time she… all right, so she was only fifteen—that's what you were goin' to say, wasn't it? But she was a woman to look at, and she knew all of a woman's cheating, teasing tricks. Sure, I was goin' to use Flo if I had to. Give her back some of her own medicine, an' get back at Shannon too. You guessed that, didn't you? That first night I talked to you, you flung that at me.”

“Why did you come? You were free, you need not have let your promise hold you when you had other things to do.”

I tried to keep my voice even, but it shook traitorously. Oh, God, why did this man have such an effect on me? Even when he admitted how cold-bloodedly and calculatingly he'd taken advantage of Flo's weak nature, I could not escape my own longing for him.

“If I make a promise, I try to keep it if I can. Although there were times when you made me wish I'd told Bragg to go to hell. Do you realize that ever since I ran into you, you've brought me nothin' but trouble?”

“Oh! Of all the unfair… if
you
hadn't come to Silver City to kill Todd—”

“Wrong again. I came to Silver City to bring Ramon, so he could meet you. An' then all hell broke loose.”

“But you had been with Flo! Oh, God… even now it makes me sick to think of it. After Todd was shot and I came up to find her, the bed was—and then she admitted it. She told me she'd been with you, that in spite of all the danger you couldn't stand to stay away from her.” I would have pulled away from him then, if he had let me. The memory of Flo, the thought that they must have lain together, just like this were almost too much to bear thinking of.

“Damn you, Ro. You wanted answers from me, didn't you? I don't know what kind of story Flo made up—it sounds like the kind of thing she'd say, I guess. But if you're tryin' to say I went to bed with Flo, screwed her, and then walked over to the window and shot Shannon, you're… What kind of idiot do you take me for? Christ, Silver City was crawlin' with lawmen and Shannon's gunslingers, and no matter how I'd have liked to get a shot at Shannon, I wasn't aimin' to get shot by his men before I got close enough. I talked to Flo, sure, but I wasn't about to get myself trapped in bed in a hotel room with her. An' if you want the truth, I didn't even trust her that much. No, it wasn't me took that shot at Todd Shannon. I was headed out of town when it happened, an' I kept goin' when I heard. I wasn't the only one hated the bastard. Anyone could have done it, and then, if they knew I was in town, pinned it on me. If I hadn't have talked to Ramon and decided to get the hell out right then, they'd have had me trapped, an' no one, not even you, would have taken the time to ask me any questions.”

He said it flatly and unemotionally, stating a fact, and I was suddenly shaken with horror at the thought of what might have happened.

“But then… you
knew
what everyone was thinking, and when Flo ran away to you, it only made it so much worse! Don't you see? They were certain then, that you and she…”

“What difference could that make? There was already a warrant sworn out against me, and when Flo turned up, it looked like a good way to get back at Shannon. But I didn't ask her to run off to me. Hell, I was running then, an' fast. Why would I want her in the way, slowin' me down? Only trouble was, I'd told her too much. She used to keep naggin' at me, asking where I was goin', what was I goin' to do about her. An' finally I told her one day I was planning to leave for Texas, getting in the freighting business again, and that if she wanted to get a message to me, there was a place she could send a letter. ‘Bout a month or two later, a man I knew told me there was a woman lookin' for me, asking questions. He gave me the name of the hotel she was stayin' at, an' I went to see her. I was curious, I guess. And—” I heard a bitter, bleak note come into his voice. “She was
there,
Ro. Told me how she'd run off, tellin' everyone she was running away with me. Playin' right into my hands, the way I thought then. I took her. An' I think we got to hating each other long before we reached Kansas.

“I didn't lose her to that tinhorn gambler. She wasn't mine to stake. There'd been other men by that time. It seemed like she had to keep proving to every man she met how irresistible she was. She was like a leech, all greed: always wantin,' always graspin'. An' by then—hell, I didn't care what she did, or in how many beds she lay! It had gotten so I could hardly stand to touch her, or have her touch me. God knows why she stayed with me that long! An' then I got in that card game—mostly so I wouldn't have to spend another evening with her, I guess. An' I saw the way she looked at the gambler who was runnin' the game, and the way he looked at her. I guess she really wanted him; he said he was French, and he dressed real well and acted like he had lots of money. Anyhow, I lost a pot, and before I knew it, she was offering herself to him as the payoff. Well, he took her, and I thought I was shut of her until I heard later what had happened and what people were saying.”

The fire crackled in the silence that followed, and I felt as battered and bruised as if I had been beaten. Why, why? A chain of events, all seemingly unrelated, and yet they had brought me here in the end. Who had tried to kill Elmer Bragg—and Todd? Had Flo's “accidental” death been an accident after all? Why? How? Something I had tried to push away flashed suddenly into my mind, and I moved my head, looking up into Lucas's flame-shadowed face.

“I've just remembered something. Lucas, did you know a man called Pardee?”