The v Girl (24 page)

Chapter 3
7

The wind on the roof
of the clinic hits me with stalwart force.

“Watch out! Your balance is feeble!” says Aleksey coldly after five minutes of combat.

His wooden sword comes hard to my side. In a swift move, I slide around him and attack him from behind. He dodges easily and
brings his sword down to my head
. I lift my sword arm up above my head to block the attack and stagger under its force.

“No. Plant both your feet well on the ground. Slide your feet. Don’t lift them up.” His voice is curt and arrogant. He’s been repeating the word balance since we started the spar.

I manage to
parry
the thrusts of his sword as I try to attack his legs. That’s usually the weakness of taller opponents, but his movements are as fast as lighting.

I jab forcefully at his right leg one last time. My sword finally finds his shin as I dodge another swing at my side. He’s so strong that the blow doesn’t do any damage. But he takes it as a sign to stop the sparring match.

I fall to the ground exhausted. I’m ready to sleep on this ground if necessary. It is my second training session of the day, after a long shift at the factory. I was supposed to go to a TCR training this afternoon, but Aleksey insisted we have to make the time we have left together count. I never thought he meant by training.

Aleksey scoops me up in his arms and carries me to bed. I wanted to talk to him, but I’ll just sleep. I don’t care if it’s not sunset yet. No shower, no changing clothes. When my head hits the pillow, I start to surrender to sleep, but old habits die hard. Exhausted or not, I never, ever go to bed without washing my feet first.

Resigned, I walk toward the bathroom, wash my feet and change into my sleeping gown. When I return to bed, Aleksey
has undressed. It’s too early for him to go to bed.

He surprises me with a quick kiss. When he pulls back, I’m wearing something I wasn’t wearing this morning.
A rose-shaped pendant!
It’s orange like my favorite glade flowers. Nobody except my family has ever given me a gift.

“It will look lovely with your green eyes.”

I want to say something, but I’m overwhelmed with an emotion I can’t define. It makes my chest swell and forces me to sigh. I blink, trying to find my voice again. He’ll appreciate action above words. I promised him exclusivity after all. That’s similar to girlfriend status. Before I know what I’m doing, I lean in to kiss him.

Our kiss starts sweet, innocent. Until he rolls me down to get on top and his erection rubs against my thigh.

It happens again. A fleeting flashback of a different set of blue eyes. They belong to my mother’s teen attacker. I push him away. Both of us are trying to catch our breaths.

I might overcome the flashbacks, but we need to talk. There are so many things I want to tell him and there are even more things I want to know. I opt to start with Gary’s accusations.

“Clavel,” I say in a sharp voice and his head snaps up. “Gary said you wouldn’t answer questions about Clavel.”

At first his eyes show a hint of surprise, then hot anger. “For once, Sleecket didn’t lie.” he says in a harsh voice scowling at me.

Another step back in our relationship, whatever this relationship is called. It stings but it makes me feel good about my decision of not having sex with him. I can’t lose my V to a man who not only causes me flashbacks, but who won’t open up to me.

My voice comes out edgy. “Clavel. A feminine name. Spanish word for carnation. Is she your lover, Mr. Fürst? A member of your family?

He sits up and runs his hands through his hair. “No, she’s nothing of the sort. And I’d rather not talk about her.”

Her
. She’s a woman after all.

“Just answer yes or no. Are Clavel initials C.N.?”

“No.” he answers curtly, turning his back to me.

“I didn’t read it but glanced at your journal. There were several notes that I didn’t understand.” He sighs exasperated, but I feel entitled to know. After all, he knows all my secrets. “C.N., you mentioned it a couple of times. Why?’”

Long moments pass before he answers in a gruff voice. “I use those initials to write erotic poems.”

My anger subsides a little replaced by curiosity and admiration. He writes poetry? Wow! Aleksey is a very skillful man. For a moment my resolution to not have sex with him falters.

“Will I get to read them one day?”

To my surprise, he nods although his voice tone is stern. “As you are the one who inspired them, it’s only fair that you read them. Not yet.”

I inspired him to write sex poems!
A part of me feels flattered and another a little bit scared. What if C.N. is something too kinky for me?

“At least tell me what C.N. stands for.”

He lays down again and turns his back to me. “Sleep. Mental breakdown won’t save you from an early morning,” he says impatiently.

Hot fury curls its way inside me. Is he implying that I’ve been having too many hallucinations? As if I’d use an excuse to not waking up? I’ve trained even with a fever and a headache. I’ve trained even when the drugs were causing me pain. As immature as this is, now I’ll ask more questions just to irritate him.

“What’s your kink, Fürst?” I keep asking him in the loudest voice I can manage. Silence becomes my only answer. I childishly continue asking him all kind of questions. “What is it so bad that you can’t tell me? Or you’re hiding that you’re into men, too? Are you bisexual or what? Because that’s not bad at all and—”

In a swift move he puts his left hand over my mouth and the other traps my wrists above my head. I’m pinioned to bed, immobilized by his considerable weight. It reminds me so much of my dream that desire courses through my body and ends up pooling in my most intimate places.

“I told you to go to sleep, Velez. You’re wearing out my patience, and you of all people shouldn’t provoke me into losing control.”

My eyes are open wide in surprise, excitement, and a little bit of fear.

The atmosphere of the room is charged with sexual energy. His breathing becomes uneven.

I struggle to get free, but his grip is too strong. It turns me on. But, above all, makes me anxious. One thing is to dream about his physical power taking away my control. Another very different thing is fearing, not only that he loses control, but that his touch will bring back another hallucination.

He inhales intently. I’m sure his soldier acute sense of smell has noticed the scent of my arousal.

“You want me to take you like this, don’t you? Blink once to say yes. If you want me to let you go, you’ll blink twice, Lila.” My eyes open even wider. Because a part of me wants to have sex with him, but I don’t want another flashback. And yet …

I blink once.

Without realizing his grip on my wrists, he unties the belt and opens up my jacket. The back of his enormous hand trails softly from my waist to my now exposed breasts. Aleksey caresses both of my breasts tenderly. Then he places feather-like kisses on each of them.

I whimper under his touch. My nipples harden so much that it hurts. The tingling, electrical sensation between my legs is overcoming my fears. His erection, if that’s even possible, grows harder.

His mouth clasps around my erect nipple while his eager fingers tear apart my pants. His mouth moves south all over my torso my stomach, my hips. I know where he’s heading. The dizzying sensations threat to make me lose my mind. And to get another flashback. “Ah! Stop”

He collapses back on the bed. We stare at the bed’s ceiling, taking a moment to normalize our breathings.

I close up my jacket. “I told you I need to know more about you and you keep avoiding my questions,” I say breathlessly.

He looks at me with eyes full of fire. “I’ll answer everything you ask, except questions about Clavel. She is a secret that is not mine to tell.”

I cover my bare legs with the bedspread. “It’s your kink that worries me the most.”

“You have nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t ever expect you to take part of it. When you grant me the honor of becoming your first lover,” he says this so confidently that my mouth opens wide. “I’ll be gentle and start with the basics.”

I cover half my face with the bedspread and look at him with huge eyes. “Do you get to … live your kink as often as I live mine?”

He surprises me with his answer. “No, it’s difficult to find women with the right mindset.”

“Even among visitants?”

“Especially among visitants.”

I muse about it for a moment. “So if this set of mind is not found among visitants where would you find it?”

He looks at me and then at the ceiling’s bed. It seems that he won’t volunteer more information.

“Let me see if I got this right. Visitants don’t do your kink, but regular women sometimes do.”

He nods.

Why visitants can’t perform his kink the way he likes it, but other women can? If he had even the slightest trace of romance in him, I’d say it’s because visitants don’t have feelings for their clients. I would never lose my V to a visitant, even if I could afford one. What could be sadder than someone who doesn’t care for you and is being paid to have sex with you? But I’m the kind of girl who thinks love and sex should always blend. Aleksey cares about the human touch, but he’s still an extremely sexual man, who seems to follow a practical approach to satisfy his needs. He has used visitants even if they’re not into his kink. There must be a valid reason.

“Why is your kink not good for visitants, but good for non-professional partners?”

He looks away, and I’m starting to think the worst.
Oh no!
This is bad. Positively bad.

I have to repeat my question several times before he reluctantly answers.

“Visitants always act as though they enjoy it.”

No.
A shiver runs through my spine. So, his kink is women who don’t enjoy it?
Oh no!
Because the recruitment ceremony, I’ve watched many women in sexual activities that they don’t enjoy, and it’s the saddest, most horrifying vision I’ve ever seen. What kind of man likes something like that?
Oh.
I know what kind … the worst kind.

No
. It can’t be. Perhaps he’s kink is to have sex with shy women? Yes, that’s must be it.

I’m trembling violently. “You’re saying … you like it better when your partner … doesn’t respond?”

He doesn’t deny it.
Oh dammit!
C.N. I didn’t understand the meaning then, but I do know. Because I read about it in one of my dad’s books. Still I want him to confirm it.

“Just answer yes or no. Your kink has to do with hurting your partner?”

His scowl deepens. “Lila, listen—”

“Tell me what C.N. stands for.”

He whispers the meaning of those initials and I freeze. I don’t want to believe it.

I’m not breathing. My stomach clenches in panic and I know that I will remember this moment for the rest of my life.

Aleksey’s kink is …
to
rape
.

Chapter
38

My breath comes in ragged
intakes of air. What a foolish girl I am! I’m so attracted to him that I want to believe that he isn’t a monster.

He shows, for the first time since I met him, hints of desperation in his face. I sprint out of bed. Aleksey reaches to stop me, but I jerk my hand out of his reach.

“Don’t you dare to touch me!”

Poncho growls and puts himself in a defensive stance in front of me. I take Aleksey’s bow and point it at him. “You’re a rapist! You know how I feel about rape and still—”

Aleksey takes a step toward me cautiously. As if I were a doe about to flee, scared from any sudden movement. “It’s not like that. Women love it, hence the name.”

“Consensual Non-consent is the name!
Non-consent
! That’s rape.”

His voice is even and low. “Nobody gets hurt. It’s only role playing, Lila.”

“The roles of a rapist and his victim. A rapist! Damn it!” I spit at him, but he easily avoids my attack.

Aleksey runs a hand through his hair. “It’s just another expression of—”

“
Don’t try to make it look good
!” I kick his double bass case, which crashes noisily to the ground. “You know
that
is what I’m afraid the most. You know I saw when the soldiers attacked my mom! How could you—?”

He paces in front of me, obviously frustrated by my reaction. “I won’t try this on you.”

“THE HELL YOU WON’T, YOU DISGUSTING, CREEPY FREAK!”

A fleeting expression of hurt appears on his face, but he soon recovers his usual confident attitude. “Lila, C.N. is an activity that—”

The bow in my arms trembles as much as my voice. “No. It’s rape.”

“It’s not.”

My nose wrinkles in disgust. “Struggling with a woman so you dominate her is—You are a rapist!”

I look around the room for an opening to escape.

He steps back and walks toward his wardrobe. Red capes and armors are neatly hung up, but what he takes out from the wardrobe makes my stomach tighten in panic. The most illegal object in Starville: a fire gun.

He walks intently in my direction without pointing the gun. Is he going to use his fire gun to force me into sex?

I’m shivering violently, racking my brains for a way to escape out of this one. That’s when he throws the gun at my feet.

“Kill me. If you indeed think I’ll take you against your will, it’s the only thing you can do to stop me.”

I reach down for the gun. It feels heavy in my hand, but I take off the safety and point it firmly.

It takes some minutes before he speaks again in a defiant tone. “If you are so convinced I’m a rapist, why don’t you kill me? Shoot the gun, Lila.”

Even with all the fear hazing my mind I know I won’t kill him. The last thing I want is to face charges of murder and arms possession. They’d kill not only me but my family as well.

His stare is as cold as his voice. “You don’t need to flee, Lila. Stay here. Sleep with the gun if you prefer.” Aleksey strides furiously toward the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow in training.” He slams the door shut behind him.

I remain glued to the spot for a long time, still pointing the bass bow and the gun.

Just when I thought we had connected. Just when I was starting to feel secure around him. I sit on the bed, putting my head between my hands. A whirlpool of emotions threats to make me pass out. Fear, disappointment, disgust, regret, and self-loathing. How could I have been so stupid? I should’ve known better than to trust an ex-soldier.

I curl up, still trembling. I feel scared and … betrayed. Why does this betrayal hurt so much? We weren’t even friends. There was sexual attraction, but there was hardly anything else. After all the things that have happened between us, we’re still perfect strangers.

Even so, I thought we had bonded. Both of us are outcasts, both of us crave the human touch, both of us have felt lonely while surrounded by people. I thought he was a voyeur, too. Then, I remember he said voyeurism isn’t his kink. I never imagined that his kink would be something so disgusting. How can he justify something as horrible as rape?

I hate him. Doesn’t he have the least respect for me? He knows how I feel about rapists. The worst is that, in a way, he has ruined me for other men. Nobody has touched me so intimately. Nobody has made me feel the way he did. I’ll always think about how it would’ve been losing my V to him.

In light of his confession, the memory of the day I met him takes a whole different meaning. Now I get his attraction to me. If non-consent is what he’s into, the reason he got aroused by our fight at the river ... it was because I was resisting him with everything I had. Visitants are trained to never fight a soldier. They are supposed to enjoy everything the soldiers do to them. He mustn’t be used to fighters among regular girls. Everything makes sense now.

Even so, I know that he won’t force
me
. During the date at Gyges, he was fighting for my consent. The fact that he has used his force on other girls and enjoyed it is what scares me. As much as he has helped me and my family, a man who has raped is completely irredeemable. I won’t be able to sleep with him anymore. In fact, I don’t think I can live in this clinic anymore. I need to talk to my dad and convince him that we should find another place to live.

After putting more clothes in my emergency backpack, I look for my father. As soon as I enter the clinic, Azzy pulls me toward an office, gesturing me to remain quiet. Olmo is sitting on a chair, his inhaler in his hand, listening attentively. The twins seem to be enjoying their mischief: eavesdropping.

Some voices come from the ER, next to this office.

“Daddy and Uncle Baron are mad at each other,” Olmo whispers. “That’s weird, isn’t it?”

It is. They call themselves
compadres
because Dad is the godfather to three of Baron’s children, just as Baron is my godfather and Olmo’s. This kind of union is more than a friendship, it’s co-parenting.

“Lila, you’re the reason behind their argument,” says Azalea.

Baron’s next words prove her right. “Ethan,
compadre,
what is my goddaughter doing sleeping in that man’s room? She’s only eighteen!”

“She was unconscious and soldiers were coming to stay in the clinic. Lila would’ve become a temptation for them, so—” says Dad calmly but his voice betrays hints of tension.

“A temptation for what? For taking away her innocence? That man will do exactly that! Her own father is delivering her V on a silver plate for him!”

“Baron, Mr. Fürst won’t do that. He isn’t only a gentleman, he’s also a doctor. She’s had night episodes, and I can’t take care of both Olmo and Lila. Olmo hasn’t been well lately.” I look at my brother who has his ear pasted to the wall. Although he eats more than ever, he’s been losing weight.

Furious pacing sounds come along with Baron’s words. “He’s too old for her and she’s inexperienced. What if he gets her pregnant?”

“He won’t get her pregnant; he’s her doctor.” Azzy covers her mouth to suppress a fit of giggles. “Besides, Lila’s taking my pills and the Accord Unit is on contraceptives. I’ve injected the Accord Unit myself.”

“Other things might happen.”

“Not unless Lila wants to.”

“If she
wants to
? She’s too young to know what’s best. You’re supposed to keep her away from anything that endangers her purity!”

“Like what? Like the recruitment? I can’t keep her away from that.”

“That’s different and you know it. In that case, it wouldn’t be her fault if her V… um … every future husband would understand that
she didn’t want to
and—”

My dad’s cart makes squealing sounds. He raises his voice. “Stop! Lila is eighteen, and I trust her. I’ve raised my daughter to become her own best friend and to do nothing that goes against herself. Whenever she decides to … start her sexual life, I’ll respect her decision.”

“You can’t tell me this is what you wanted for your daughter.”

“Recruitment isn’t what I want for my daughter,” says Dad brusquely.

“You know what I mean.”

“You’re wrong. I want Lila to have control of her life and be happy.”

It sounds as if Baron has stopped pacing. His voice comes calmer. “Ethan, I wouldn’t meddle if I didn’t care for her as though she was my own daughter. She might not want to marry now, but she’ll have to get a husband in the future and by then there’ll be no way to recover what she’s lost. Even Camilla would agree with me.”

“Don’t mention my wife!” Dad’s furious voice startles us. He’s never been so angry.

“I’m mentioning her because she wouldn’t have given Lila permission to—”

“Drop it!” Dad yells. “I’ll put it this way, Baron. I’m a doctor and a father. As a doctor, I know that the vaginal corona doesn’t have a function. What people call maidenhead is nothing but a set of elastic folds of mucous tissue. As a father, I would prefer she didn’t marry a man who values tissue more than Lila’s distinctive personality. Any guy should consider himself lucky if a woman as noble as my Lila accepts his proposal.”

“But—”

“If she’s going to lose that stupid membrane I’d rather Lila make that decision, as opposed to the soldiers making that decision for her.” Dad drops his voice to a whisper. “Do you get it now? Or should I bring Duque in to explain it to you?

A thumping sound tells us that Baron has left the ER, and the squeal of Dad’s cart follows.

“That was fun!
Vaginal corona,
” says Olmo, giggling as he leaves the office.

My father's support moves me
. Whatever else is missing from my life, I’ll always feel grateful for the honor of being his daughter.

I look at the window and see my godfather storming down the stairs. Baron means well, but the Diazes’ decisions are more situated in the
have to
, than in the
want to
territory. I can’t live like that. I need balance between the two. And right now what I
have to
do is to give priority to Olmo’s health. I can’t drag him out of the clinic to a homeless existence. Wasn’t he the reason I decided to share a bed with Aleksey in the first place?

I
want to
make my family leave this clinic, but I
have to
accept the fact that they’re all better near medical help. I’m the one who can’t live here anymore.

“And?” Azzy asks with a malicious look on her face. “Have you lost the
stupid membrane
yet?

She becomes incredulous, but supportive, when I explain to her my reasons to leave and promises to inform Dad and Olmo my decision.

I still have time before curfew. There’s only one place in Starville where I can go to spend the night.