The True History of the Blackadder (68 page)

The University of Hull did not officially exist until 1954, having been founded as a college in 1927. That may, however, have been Captain B’s point.

When Dr Johnson uses the simile ‘as pointless as fitting wheels to a tomato’, he should of course have said ‘as pointless as listing historical inconsistencies in a sitcom’.

BLACKADDER:

Baldrick! (
Enter Baldrick. He looks awful, as usual
.) Where the hell is that turkey?

BALDRICK:

What turkey, master?

BLACKADDER:

I told you to buy a turkey for tonight’s special supper. For Jehovah’s sake this is the most important night in the history of this hotel – please our customers tonight and we’ll get them back every year – tonight could be the beginning of something big, something which will change the world.

BALDRICK:

All right, I’ll go out and get it …

TURKEY:

What the hell are you doing?

BALDRICK:

Who said that?

TURKEY:

Me.

BALDRICK:

O my God.

TURKEY:

What an incredible way to behave – bring me back here to your house, and then start tearing my bloody feathers out. You little bastard!

BALDRICK:

But I have to do it; you’re the master’s supper.

TURKEY:

(
utter outrage
) I beg your pardon?

BALDRICK:

You’re the special dinner.

TURKEY:

Wait a second – you mean, not satisfied with tearing my feathers out, you’re actually going to eat me as well?

BALDRICK:

That’s right.

TURKEY:

But I’m a talking turkey – with me, you could buy a hundred ordinary turkeys.
Enter Blackadder slightly flappy
.

BLACKADDER:

Baldrick – we need some entertainment for tonight.

BALDRICK:

We’ve already got it, lots of wine and our special feast. Although –

BLACKADDER:

No, come on, come on – entertainments – you know, snake tamers, lion charmers, that kind of thing. Can you think of anyone in that line?

BALDRICK:

Well, my cousin is a very good all-round family entertainer.

BLACKADDER:

(s
uspicious
.) Really?

BALDRICK:

Well, he’s not a bad magician.

BLACKADDER:

Tell the truth, Baldrick. (
Hits him
.)

BALDRICK:

My cousin’s a crap magician, but he’s got a collection of funny hats. (
Blackadder just hits him
.) My cousin’s got one funny cap.

BLACKADDER:

Then get him round here at once – and finish plucking that turkey.

BALDRICK:

I can’t.

BLACKADDER:

Why not?

BALDRICK:

Well, I’ll let the turkey answer for itself.

BLACKADDER:

I’m sorry?

BALDRICK:

It’s a talking turkey.

BLACKADDER:

Of course it is. (
To the turkey
.) Tell me, we’re undecided what vegetables to do with you. What do you think? Peas or parsnips? (
Pause
.) Sorry – didn’t quite catch that. (
Pause
.) Mmm – Baldrick – do you remember what the punishment for lying and time wasting is under Roman law?

BALDRICK:

Ahm …

BLACKADDER:

It’s something to do with a hand and a very sharp axe, isn’t it?

BALDRICK:

O yes.

BLACKADDER:

Now, get that cousin, and round up any other entertainers, or we’re in trouble. And get that turkey in … NOW!
(
Blackadder leaves
.)

BALDRICK:

Why didn’t you say anything while he was here?

TURKEY:

I was shy.

BALDRICK:

Well, I’m going to have to do it anyway.

TURKEY:

You cruel bastard.

BALDRICK:

But I’ll go and talk to my cousin first.

TURKEY:

Phew. At least it gives me time to make peace with God … O, and by the way … if it comes down to parsnips or peas, I prefer parsnips.

BALDRICK:

Brilliant.

BLACKADDER:

Excellent, excellent. (
He eventually has to write ‘No’ in front of ‘Vacancies’
.) Brilliant. The place is full. Rachel – Baldrick – if anyone else comes – it is full. We haven’t got room to squeeze in a mouse …

He exits, as Rachel potters round the desk. There is a sound of angels vaguely in the background – and Joseph enters, a nice man with a beard
.

JOSEPH:

Good evening. Is there any room at the inn?

RACHEL:

I’m afraid not.

JOSEPH:

What – totally sold out?

RACHEL:

Totally booked up.

JOSEPH:

Fine. Fine. O god. (
He starts to cry
.)

RACHEL:

What’s the matter?

JOSEPH:

O no, it’s fine. It’s just that my wife and I have been travelling for weeks now – and she’s about to give birth, I mean literally it could be at any moment. And, well, I suppose she’ll just have to have the baby in the street.

RACHEL:

Well, maybe we could find somewhere. Go on, bring your wife in.

JOSEPH:

O thank you very much. (
He goes to the door
.) Darling – there’s a place!

It turns out that Blackadder is actually returning, and nose to nose with him. Blackadder is not happy
.

BLACKADDER:

I’m sorry?

JOSEPH:

I was just telling my wife there was a room here.

BLACKADDER:

Ah – and who told you that?

RACHEL:

It was me.

BLACKADDER:

And where is this extraordinary room going to magically spring from?

RACHEL:

Well, I thought perhaps they might stay … (
Enter Baldrick
.) In Baldrick’s room.

BLACKADDER:

O well, yes, all right. How about I offer you this young man’s room?

JOSEPH:

That sounds excellent.

BLACKADDER:

Yes. It’s not that excellent – less of a room, more of a manger.

JOSEPH:

As long as it’s inside, it’ll do us.

BLACKADDER:

Ah.

JOSEPH:

It’s outside?

BALDRICK:

Outsidish. Come on – you’ll be all right.

BLACKADDER:

Great, let’s get on with the evening. And tell her, if she does have the kid, to keep the noise down. We don’t want him crying during the entertainment. Which reminds me …

BALDRICK:

Here we go. Had any thoughts about what you’re going to call the baby?

JOSEPH:

Not really. If it was a girl we thought maybe after its mother.

BALDRICK:

What’s her name?

JOSEPH:

Mary. We’re having a lot more trouble with the boy’s name. Any ideas?

BALDRICK:

Well, my name’s Baldrick, but I doubt if you’d want that.

JOSEPH:

Well, it’s not bad. Baldrick. Yes, not bad …

Then perhaps on with the proper plot …

FOYER.

This might be the hotel where the returning officer is staying
.

BLACKADDER:

So tell me, if people don’t enrol what happens to them?

OFFICER:

They don’t exist, officially.

BLACKADDER:

I see.

OFFICER:

So if for instance a man comes up and says, My house has been broken into – we say, I’m sorry, but it can’t have been, you don’t exist.

BLACKADDER:

Very difficult job.

OFFICER:

You’re not bloody joking. This stuff with the names is absolute hell.

BLACKADDER:

In what way?

OFFICER:

Well, what’s your name, for instance?

BLACKADDER:

David, but I’m called Simon.

OFFICER:

Exactly – EXACTLY, so what are you registered under?

BLACKADDER:

Well, David.

OFFICER:

Quite – so if I go out into the streets, and I ask for David, what are my chances of getting you?

BLACKADDER:

Well, very small, you’ll get Peter … who’s called David. I see the problem – you’d be better off enrolling everyone under what they’re called.

OFFICER:

My point exactly. So you’d be called Simon. Now, I’m the tax collector, and I come to collect taxes – what do you say?

BLACKADDER:

I’d say, I’d love to help, but my name’s ACTUALLY David. It’s a bugger.

OFFICER:

It is a bugger …