The Time of Her Life (25 page)

She forced herself not to feel, not to automatically jump to
conclusions. Instead, she let his words filter through her. She could make sense
of them later when she had time. And she’d have plenty.

He wanted to leave.

Not forever.

“You’ll trust me to cover for you?’

Something about that appeared to soften the hard lines around
his mouth. Reaching for her hands, he cradled them both within his, as if he
knew about the chill that was freezing her from the inside out. “Yeah, I trust
you to cover for me. That’s one of the things that’s making it a little hard to
think straight. I trust you with the place completely.”

“But I work for Northstar.”

“But you work for Northstar. If I were leaving the place in
your care, I’d feel okay about leaving.” He met her gaze with those big green
eyes that let her see inside. “If I were leaving the place to you then I don’t
really want to leave. That’s one of the other things that’s making it hard to
think straight.”

“Oh.” She was surprised by his honesty. Not necessarily by his
words. He may not have come out and admitted he cared about her, but it was
there in this thoughtfulness. Care in his surprises. Care in his kisses. Care in
his every action.

He cared. She didn’t question that.

“You want me to hold down the fort while you’re gone?”

He gave her hands a squeeze. “Would you mind if I go? I’ve got
some decisions to make, and the clock is still ticking. I technically don’t have
to give Northstar an answer until the end of the transition period, but I don’t
want to hold them up if I know I’m not going to be comfortable with what they’ve
got to offer. But there are so many things to consider, and everything feels
contingent on everything else. I really need to think things through, and I
can’t seem to do that here.”

He lifted her hands and pressed a kiss to her knuckles, let his
eyes flutter shut for a moment. “I’m afraid you’ve complicated everything.”

“I know.”

And she did. Because he’d done the same for her. In more ways
than he knew if her suspicions were right. The signs were all there. The
weepiness. The exhaustion. The mood swings. Even her body felt more alive, but
she’d attributed that to having a younger lover who’d made her feel like a woman
again.

She hadn’t had the heart to include him in her suspicions on
top of everything else. Now she was glad. He’d been so invested in leaving. She
still wasn’t sure why, but she did know whatever decision he made, he needed to
be at peace with it. Not influenced by more obligation. This time to her and a
child.

In addition to the residents, the staff, the arbors...

“Any idea where you’ll go?” she asked.

He looked relieved. “Not really. Just away. It’s been so long
since I’ve left for more than a few days. Not since before—” He squeezed her
hands again. “Thank you. I won’t leave until you’re feeling better. I should
probably finish up the trimming before I go, too.”

Which he’d already said would take the better part of two
weeks. “I’d like you to ask for my opinion.”

That made him grin. “What do you think, Susanna?”

“I think you should take me to Mrs. Harper’s memorial service
tomorrow then spend the rest of the day wrapping up whatever you need to wrap
up. I think you should call that arborist you were telling me about and get a
crew in here to do this job. Chester and I can oversee the work if that’ll put
you at ease. Then I think you should pack your bags and go.”

“I won’t leave until you feel—”

“I’ll be back at work Monday whether you’re here or not.” Now
it was her turn to press her mouth to his knuckles, rest her cheek against his
strong hand. “Go.”

This kind, thoughtful man had been operating on obligation for
too long from what Susanna could see. She would never keep his child from him,
if they had made one together, but she could give him the gift of some time to
figure out what he wanted.

* * *

S
USANNA
SET
THE
DECORATIVE
plaque on top of her
computer monitor, where she’d be sure to see it every time she sat down at this
desk.

You can’t change the past, but you can
ruin the present by worrying over the future.

Karan excelled at finding perfect gifts because to Karan
shopping was an art form. And she knew Susanna would have too much time to
“catastrophize” with Jay gone, and being forced to deal with the dot on the
pregnancy test.

When Susanna came right down to it, she didn’t care how many
states currently separated them. She simply hadn’t been able to face that little
dot without her best friend by her side—or over the cell phone in this case.

The dot turned pink.

Karan had been kind. She’d blown off some hospital function
with Charles to help Susanna process this life-altering confirmation. For hours,
killing one cell phone battery and forcing Susanna to plug into an outlet, she
and Karan had hashed through the stages of denial, anger, bargaining and
depression before Susanna arrived at grudging acceptance. All the while Karan
had pointed out the positives of the situation.

No more empty nest.

They’d be pregnant together, and who would
have ever thought that would happen?

Susanna had already practiced her
parenting skills, so rearing this child should be a piece of
cake.

The enormity of the situation overwhelmed Susanna. Not during
the days when work distracted her, but at night, alone in the cottage, without
Jay. But she had Butters and Gatsby, her temporary roommates and constant
companions through the long, quiet nights as she worked around the cottage or
read.

Even now, as she spun her chair around and glanced at the lake,
she could see them loping along beside Chester as he trekked toward the arbors
to check on the trimming crew.

Butters and Gatsby were as out of sorts as she was. Jay’s
absence impacted everything. This place seemed quieter without his
larger-than-life presence to fill the halls. His laughter. His camaraderie with
his staff. His concern for the residents.

He was so determined to sell this place and leave. He’d
explained some very rational reasons for wanting to go, even. Expansion of the
facility. For a chance to live his own life instead of overseeing the lives of
everyone around him.

Susanna saw firsthand how insular life could become on these
sixty acres and understood why Jay might feel as if leaving was the only way to
break free.

But she didn’t understand why he couldn’t live his own life
here, when he was clearly conflicted about selling The Arbors. How hard could it
possibly be to live when his whole life had set exactly that example?

To get away the way he’d left now?

Or go out to dinner in town with friends or invite the guys
over to watch a game?

Or fall in love, get married and raise a family in this amazing
place that was his family home?

Didn’t seem that difficult from where Susanna stood.

Yes, The Arbors could be consuming, but only if she let it be.
She had a learning curve and an empty nest. The immersion method of work suited
her situation right now. She’d needed the distraction, hoping that when she
finally came up for air, she’d know what came next.

Now she knew. At least some of what to expect.

She’d be a mom again.

During the time of her life when she’d expected to become a
grandparent—not too soon, of course. But once the kids got through school and
started their own lives. But now she’d be starting from scratch with her own new
little one.

The very thought made her catch her breath.

Yes, overwhelmed, but excited, too.

She couldn’t begin to imagine how Jay would feel with his life
and his expectations up in the air, already feeling so obligated to everyone.
But she also couldn’t help but wonder why a man who’d lived his entire life on
this property couldn’t balance life and work a little better.

She was missing something. That much she knew.

So she stared into the morning, watched Chester and the dogs
vanish into the arbors that Jay’s mother had planted as a thoughtful gift for
the woman who’d once occupied this office. And a question occurred to her.
Spinning toward the desk, she glanced at her decorative plaque and smiled. Then
she accessed the archived residents’ database and typed in a name.

Canady.

An entry popped up: Felicia Hayes Canady. Susanna scanned the
biographical information.

Jay’s mother.

Suddenly a piece of the puzzle of this man she’d fallen in love
with, the man she’d reproduced with, fell into place. She hadn’t made this
connection before.

Pulling up a web search engine, she inputted the name and
discovered links leading to stories, anthology collections, even a biography on
a publishing house website. She clicked on the link and found a promotional shot
of a lovely blonde woman with laughter in her big green eyes.

Without giving herself time to think better of this impulsive
course of action, Susanna hopped up from her chair and headed straight to
Walter’s office.

He was behind his desk hard at work, a cup of coffee—he didn’t
complain about the new blend—at his elbow, reading glasses poised at the end of
his nose.

He glanced up and smiled absently. “Good morning, Susanna. What
may I do for you?”

She went to him and half sat on the edge of his desk, drawing
his surprised glance. “I have a question. If you’re not comfortable answering,
please just say so. I don’t know who else to ask. I know how much you care and I
trust this conversation will stay between us.”

“This is about Jay.” Not a question.

Susanna explained her impressions about Jay’s conflict and
summed up her thoughts with one diplomatic statement. “He wants to leave but
seems to be having a hard time letting go.”

To her surprise, Walter chuckled. “That’s one way to phrase it.
That boy was always hardheaded.”

Susanna smiled. She’d seen that part of Jay herself.

“Jay’s not letting go because he doesn’t want to leave.”

Okay, she was
finally
going to ask
the question. “Then why is he selling The Arbors?”

“Because he doesn’t want things to stay the way they are and he
doesn’t know how to change them. I’ve told him. He doesn’t listen.”

She’d seen that part of Jay, too. “Does losing his mother have
something to do with his wanting to leave?”

“I think so. If you look at the big picture, it’s not hard to
see why he wound up where he is. He went from having a big family to being the
only one left here. When he was a little kid, he had parents, grandparents,
great-grandparents. Everyone was involved. Or needed caring for. Then one by one
they were gone. Jay’s mom took ill with Alzheimer’s and wound up here. His dad
died not long afterward. Now that was a tragedy. Perfectly healthy man until one
day he collapses at the grocery store. Massive heart attack.”

“Oh, how sad.” Susanna wrapped her arms around her middle, as
if she could ward off the wave of hurt. For as much as Skip had suffered with
his illness, he’d been so grateful to have the chance to make the most of his
last minutes with his family, to say his goodbyes. Susanna had been, too.

“When Jay should have been filling up the house with his own
family, he was too busy helping his old Gran run this place and taking care of
his mom.”

“And Drew hasn’t been around to help.”

Walter shook his head. “Don’t get me started on that boy.”

“And you really don’t think Jay wants to leave?”

“Does he act like someone who wants to leave?” Walter scowled.
“Ask him what he wants to do with his life, and he doesn’t have a clue. He just
knows he doesn’t want to keep doing what he’s doing. Selling this place isn’t
his answer. He’ll live to regret it, you mark my words.”

“Maybe this time away will help him think things through.”

“Maybe, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. Susanna, you have to
understand Jay looks at me and sees himself.”

“How is that bad?”

Walter leaned back in his chair and toyed with a pen between
long fingers, contemplating. “Well, it’s not really about me. That’s the
problem. Jay looks at me and sees a life gone by. Just biding time and still
here at The Arbors. He doesn’t usually factor in that I did a lot of living
before I even got here. Or that I did a lot of living while I was here. He
doesn’t feel as if he has.”

“But I don’t understand why. His grandmother may have been
older, but from what I’ve heard, she was always on the move.”

“She was that.” His expression reflected fond memories.

“What’s holding Jay back?”

Walter shrugged. “Only Jay can answer that question.”

She frowned. “But you must have an idea.”

“I do.”

That was all he said. She wouldn’t pressure him no matter how
much she wanted to ask. But then Walter smiled. And right then Susanna knew for
all the business decisions between them, for any disapproval or conflict of
concern that Walter might have had about Northstar taking over, he’d already
seen what she hadn’t shared—that she genuinely cared about Jay.

“Susanna, suffice to say Alzheimer’s has had a big impact on
Jay’s life from the get-go. You couple that with the fact he’s so capable and
caring, and you wind up with a young man who never felt it was right to leave
and who never figured out how to create his own life here.”

Susanna could totally see it. Jay caring for everyone around
him, putting out every single fire that flared, the man to depend on, all the
while brushing aside his own desires.

Caring for everyone’s needs but his own.

Year after year, decade after decade, until he was ready to run
screaming.

To Tahiti with tiki torches flickering in the beach breeze.