The Things I Do for You (The Alexanders) (19 page)

Sam shook his head. “No. Raina needs you.”

Nick dropped his stuff at the base of the stairs. “Oh, did she ask for me?”

“She doesn’t know how to ask for help when she needs it. That’s why I’m telling you.
She needs you
.
”

“Okay,” Nick said. Sam seemed to be a good guy but he’d never seemed all that interested in chatting with Nick before. For him to approach him now was incredibly odd. He glanced behind Sam. “Where is she, anyway?”

Sam pointed up the stairs. “In the nursery. Ripping all the decorations down.”

“What? She spent days putting them up.” Nick turned and took the stairs two at a time. He pushed the nursery room door open and peered around the frame hesitantly.

Raina stood on a small footstool, stretching up to reach the teddy-bear appliques on the wall. She peeled one off, then balled it up and dropped it on the floor. She got down, moved the footstool a little to the right, and then repeated the process. A small pile of crumpled liners lay at her feet already.

“Raina? What are you doing, sweets?”

She paused at the sound of his voice and then ripped another teddy bear down. “I’m taking all this crap down.”

Nick walked farther into the room. “Why? We’ll need it soon. Or did you decide you don’t like it anymore? We can choose another theme.”

“I got my period today, Nick. I’m not pregnant.” She yanked off another decoration. “I’m never going to be pregnant.”

His heart sank. Then he ached inside as he watched her stroke a finger over the teddy bear she was holding before she balled it up.
 

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I know how much you were hoping this time was the charm. I was, too.”

She looked at him then, her eyes bright with tears. “I know you were. I understand if you want to get a divorce. I understand—”

Nick crossed the room and snatched her off the stool. “Don’t ever say that. Ever.”

“Nick, it’s time for us to face facts. I’m probably not going to get pregnant. It was a long shot anyway.”

“You don’t know that. This is only the third month we’ve tried. We just have to be patient. It takes time.”

She shoved away from him. “Don’t you tell me it takes time. People always say that like they have some crystal ball. It’s
easy
to say that when you don’t know how it
feels
to be disappointed over and over again. It’s easy to say that when it’s not your fault!”

She pushed away and went back to her step stool, tearing the last teddy bear down with a curse. Then she grabbed the edge of the border lining the ceiling and yanked. There was a loud, ripping sound as it detached from the wall.

“Raina, it is not your fault.”
 

She didn’t respond. She seemed to have forgotten he was even in the room. He watched, stunned, as she got down from the step stool and marched over to the white dresser filled with baby clothes. She yanked open the first drawer and pulled out all the neatly folded onesies. He knew it had taken her quite a while to launder and fold them all.
 

She picked up a big armful and dumped them on the floor at her feet.
 

“It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.” He repeated the words but didn’t seem to be getting through to her. Before long she was shaking as she grabbed more and more clothes. When he touched her arm, she flinched and then sat down on the ground. She wrapped her arms around her legs and didn’t move.

Nick dropped to the ground in front of her and pulled her into his lap. She clung to him and buried her face in his chest as if she didn’t want him to see her cry.
 

“Raina.” He couldn’t keep the pity from his voice. “Come on, sweets, let’s get you into bed.”

She shook her head frantically, her limbs trembling. The more he talked to her, the tighter she curled.

This is not working
, Nick thought.
 

Talking wasn’t getting through to her. It was time to take some drastic action. He leaned back slightly and shucked off his suit jacket. It fell in a heap behind him.
 

Then he stood, carrying Raina in his arms. At the sudden movement, she squeaked and tightened her hold around his neck until she was almost strangling him.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m going to have to pull rank on you, sweetheart. You’re really upset and I think you need a bath and bed. So that’s where I’m taking you, whether you want it or not.” He pulled her closer and kissed the top of her forehead. “You can yell at me for this later.”

*
 
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*

AFTER STRIPPING HER clothes off, Raina sat on the side of the tub, watching Nick. He moved around the bathroom with quick, decisive motions. He’d turned the water on, adjusted the temperature, and then gathered all the bath stuff he could find. He’d pulled bath salts, bubble bath, and several types of scented body gel from beneath her counter and lined them up on the edge of the tub. When he started pulling out shampoo and conditioner, she finally put up a hand to stop him.

“I don’t need all that. My hair’s dry, so I don’t have to wash it as much. I’ll just put it up.” She pointed to the counter where she’d left a hair band. Nick handed it to her and watched as she twisted her hair into a long coil and then wrapped it around itself until it formed a big bun on top of her head.

“I always like when you wear your hair up. You look like a naughty librarian,” Nick commented. Then he turned back to the line of products on the edge of the tub. “I’m not really sure what I’m doing here so help me out, love.”
 

She pointed at the bubble bath and the shower gel. “That’s really all I need. My loofah sponge is in the shower.”

He retrieved it and then helped her into the tub. Usually he would have made some racy comment or at least tried to cop a feel. But even though she was naked, his eyes didn’t dip below her neck. There was something different about the way he looked at her. Like he was scared of doing the wrong thing.
 

She thought back to her hysterics. It was no wonder he was scared to say anything. He was probably worried she was on the verge of another mental breakdown. She sighed and sank down slowly into the hot water before turning to face Nick.
 

“I’m really sorry about all that. I don’t know what came over me.”

Once she was sitting in the middle of the froth of bubbles, he leaned over and kissed her softly on the nose. “Let’s just relax for a while. We can talk later. What do you say?”
 

“Care to join me? I think I’ll relax faster if you stay.” She really hoped he would. Even though she felt calmer after her little fit, she really didn’t want to be alone. She felt like she’d spent far too much time alone lately.

Nick nodded his assent and began shucking his own clothes. Since he’d already taken his jacket off, he yanked at the knot in his tie and removed his pants and boxers. He was about to drop them on the tile when he noticed her watching him. She’d been teasing him since they got married about living with a slob. With a sheepish smile, he folded them in half and put them on the counter.
 

“See, you’re getting better,” she teased.

His lips tilted up as he quickly unbuttoned his shirt and folded it as well. “Apparently I can be trained.”

Raina would have responded, but her mouth went dry at the first sight of his flat stomach and well-developed pectorals. What dream was this that she was allowed to be with someone so magnificent? She got to wake up every morning with this amazing man and he came home to her every night.
 

When she’d started this journey, he’d simply been a gorgeous man offering her a lifeline. Now she knew without a doubt that he was more than just her savior.
 

He was the love of her life.
 

Nick climbed in the tub, facing her. They didn’t talk for a few minutes. Then they both started speaking at once.
 

“I just want to say…”

“I want to apologize…”
 

Laughing, Raina shook her head and held out her hand for Nick to speak first. Apparently Nick had other ideas, though. Without another word spoken between them, he leaned forward and kissed her until she could barely think straight.
 

If this is how he apologizes, he’s already forgiven.

He closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against hers. “I want to apologize for manhandling you in there. I wasn’t sure what to do.”

She pushed back a little so she could see his eyes. “I was freaking out, Nick. You did the only thing you
could
do besides slap me silly.”

“I’m really sorry you’re not pregnant. I know how much you want this. And I feel like a broken record saying the same things to you. I wish there was some way I could just fix it for you. All I want is for you to be happy.”

Raina blinked back tears. “I don’t know what happened. I know intellectually that it’s not going to happen overnight just because I want it. But in that moment, it just got bigger and bigger in my mind until all I could see was failure. It kind of took over my brain. I think it’s just me being afraid that it’ll never happen.”

The warmth of the water was doing its job, because she was suddenly more tired than she’d ever been. The emotion she’d expended with her meltdown had drained her. She added a little bath gel to her loofah sponge and inhaled the soothing lavender scent. When she felt Nick’s arms circle her from behind, she pressed back onto him, enjoying the tortured groan that slipped from his lips.
 

They took their time in the bath, trailing damp fingertips over silken skin and enjoying the heat and scent of the fragrant water. She loved the way they fit together, like two halves of a matched set, and she felt herself relax, really relax, for the first time since she’d come back to the States. From Ridley’s being shot, to her new diagnosis, to marrying Nick, it felt like she hadn’t stopped worrying in a long time.

When her skin started to pucker, they got out. Nick toweled her off gently with a plush, oversized bath towel. Raina slipped into one of Nick’s T-shirts and Nick dragged on a pair of shorts before gathering Raina in his arms and cuddling with her under the covers.
 

She rolled over to look at him, then raised her hand to trace the angle of his strong jaw, the slightly uneven line of his nose, and the curve of his sensual lips. He was the epitome of masculine beauty to her. Not just because of his good looks but because of all the things others couldn’t see. The things she couldn’t touch.
 

His generosity, his spirit, and his unfailing determination to make her happy.
 

It dawned on her then that this was love. Love was the man who took care of her when she needed him to. The man who made sure she ate well, listened to her babble on about her show even though he probably had no idea what she was talking about, and who was disappointed right along with her when she was sad.
 

Love was the man who’d literally carry you when you were down.

*
 
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NICK HELD HIMSELF perfectly still as Raina touched him. Her beautiful brown eyes followed the path of her finger as if memorizing the lines of his face. As many times as they’d made love and as intimate as they’d been, nothing had made him feel as self-conscious. He’d never been the focus of her attention so completely before.
 

She leaned closer and kissed him. Softly. Sweetly.
 

“Goodnight, Nick.” Then she snuggled against his shoulder and let out a soft sigh, the warm puff of air tickling his skin. After a few minutes, her breathing evened out. He looked down and was startled to see that her eyes were wide open and locked on his face.
 

“You’re still awake? I thought you’d fallen asleep.” He stroked her cheek with the side of his thumb.

“I think I love you,” she whispered.

Everything inside of Nick stopped at that moment. His thoughts. The questions he’d been about to ask.
 

His heartbeat.

 
“I think
I’m
dreaming,” Nick said finally.

Raina squeezed her eyes shut. “I don’t have much experience with love. It made my mom so bitter. Most of my relationships have been more about sex than feelings. So I always thought how could I believe in something that I’d never seen? It just seemed like some fairy tale that couldn’t possibly come true.”

Nick’s heart twisted at the raw pain in her voice.

“But these past two months with you I’ve
seen
it. I’ve seen a mother who dotes on each and every one of her children and loves them for their differences. I’ve seen brothers who stick together against the world. I’ve seen how you take care of me even when I’ve given you plenty of reasons not to want to. If this isn’t love, I can’t imagine how it could be any better.”

Nick wanted to say something but everything inside him was still too jumbled for him to form a sentence. He’d loved her for so long but he didn’t think he’d fully
understood
her until now. She projected the image of strength so convincingly that most people never saw how scared and vulnerable she was underneath. Afraid to try, afraid to trust, and most of all, afraid to believe in love because it seemed like too much to hope for.
 

He’d thought he’d come to terms with the possibility of her never returning his feelings. Love wasn’t something that was based on a reciprocal exchange, he’d reasoned. Over time he’d hoped she’d develop fondness for him, but he’d started to think that’s all it would ever be.
 

Which would have killed him slowly from the inside out.

But she was finally getting there.
Thank God.
He wasn’t the most spiritual person but in that moment, he felt like he needed to say thank you to a higher power.
I think I love you
wasn’t the declaration he’d hoped for, but it was a hell of a lot more than he’d been expecting when they hadn’t even been married three full months yet.