The Telling (6 page)

ten

L ettie kept coming up short Friday, trying to line up a long-distance driver for that afternoon – or even tomorrow. Feeling overwhelmingly homesick, she couldn’t contact Sally Smucker, either. She hoped she might stay with the preacher’s family once she returned, at least for the time being.
Out of respect for Judah.

After what she’d done, it was not right for her to simply appear at the house and expect her husband to welcome her back. If she could only stay with the Smuckers, who had several empty bedrooms, she might be able to work things out with Preacher Josiah first, before revealing her past sins to Judah. And hopefully avoid a public kneeling confession.

With her husband on her mind, Lettie hurried to her room to jot down a few notes, things she must include in her revelatory confession to him and to the ministers.

A
telling of sorts.

Quickly she found her pen and the writing paper in her suitcase. She sat at a small desk and began to write the thoughts that had flooded her heart just since her consultation with Dr. Hackman this morning. Thoughts she longed to share soon with Judah.
Lord willing.
Perhaps next week, once she had her wits about her and could look him square in the eye.

I saw a ruby-throated hummingbird early this morning. So tiny... and very busy. It flew back and forth amongst the blossoms, stopping for nectar. Its wingbeats were so fast they were a blur, and my heart beat faster, just watching. Then, effortlessly, it flew backward. I’d seen this before, but not till that moment did I realize that I, too, have flown backward, wanting to revisit my past and undo it somehow. Not to gather sweetness, but for the healing I hoped this difficult journey might bring to the people I’ve hurt. Samuel first, and to our child. But I failed to consider the hurt it might do to my husband, Judah... because I never had the courage to fess up to my sins.

I just pray I have not stirred up bitterness through my search for my first child.

Her need to right her past wrongs had been the very reason Lettie had never been able to make herself share openly with Judah. That and her concern that disclosing everything might simply make things worse between them. Yet now she knew she must reveal all. Hard as that would be, she was weary of the deceit: She should never have allowed Judah to believe she had been a virtuous bride when that was far from the truth.

But if she could warn her teenage self – the foolish, headstrong Lettie who had wanted her own way above all else – what would she say? How would she counsel her?
Would I make the same mistakes again?
In her heart, Lettie knew she would not. Something within her had changed... shifted for the better.

Tired now, yet feeling somehow freer, Lettie rose and placed the tablet and pen back in her suitcase. Then, leaving the room, she headed up the hill to Hallie’s English neighbor to try to reach a driver once again.

What’ll I tell Dat now?
The question tormented Grace all during the trip through eastern Ohio. Of course she would tell him that Mamma had already left – going exactly where, no one knew. Yet how could she phrase it so as not to cause him far more concern than he already suffered? It seemed so unnecessary for Mamma to go away in the first place, but now this? It felt as if she’d abandoned them all over again.

Grace was drained; she hadn’t slept well last night. The long stretch of highway and her all-too-modern surroundings only added to her displaced feeling as she sat in Heather’s car.

Heather switched on her music once again, and Grace felt great appreciation for her kindness and comfort during the long, sleepless night. For her patience today, too. Grace laughed inwardly at herself; she’d gotten rather tongue-tied this morning and mistakenly referred to FaceTube instead of what Heather informed her was the actual name for a “social network,” as she called it, as well as a way to share videos.
Honestly, how does she keep track of such things?

Leaning back, Grace watched the mile markers zip by. It dawned on her that if all went well, they would arrive home sooner than originally planned.
I’ll be back to doing what I’m cut out for – cooking and cleaning and gardening, too.

In her drowsy state, she thought of Yonnie Bontrager. It seemed so long since he had asked her to be his girl, yet only two days had passed. His expression had been so appealing this past Wednesday morning on the road.
What will he think of Mamma now?
she wondered, remembering that he had believed Mamma was merely visiting in Baltic.

But, oh, Grace knew better. By the cautious look on Susan’s face and her ever so guarded comments, she knew that Mamma still had her secrets. Truly, it would be ill timed to accept Yonnie’s invitation to court. She folded her arms and looked at the sky. How could she agree to be his girl under these circumstances?

Grace wondered what Mamma would advise, ever so curious about such matters now that her mother was out of reach. How would Mamma handle a kindhearted fellow like Yonnie, as well as the possible obstacles to happiness that might lie ahead?

Her eyelids felt heavy as she pondered what Mamma might say if she were here and knew Grace’s thoughts. She was fairly certain her mother could impart some sort of understanding, having lived long enough to understand about fellows and love and suchlike.

Oh, Mamma... I need your wisdom.

Judah shoved the door to the sheep barn shut, having heard tires crackle on the driveway. His pulse pounded as he spotted Heather Nelson’s dark blue car drive up and stop at the back door. “Gracie’s back,” he whispered. Then, softer yet, “Lettie, too?”

Oh, my love... are you there?

The sun gleamed off the windshield, making it impossible to determine how many passengers were inside. He imagined Lettie stepping out of the car, smiling when she caught his gaze.
What will she say?
He tugged on his suspenders.
And what’ll I say to
her
?

The windbreak of trees just beyond the driveway looked suddenly taller as he waited for his wife and his daughter to emerge from the vehicle. He clenched his jaw and dug his boots hard against the graveled area between the sheep barn and the backyard.
Relax, old man,
he told himself.

And then he saw Gracie open the car door and get out. She followed the tall Englischer around to the trunk. But, no... by the look on Grace’s drawn, solemn face, he knew Lettie wasn’t with them. Still, he waited and hoped he might’ve jumped ahead of himself – perhaps his wife was simply taking her time gathering her things inside the car.

Just maybe...

Standing there in such anticipation gave him a momentary woozy spell, and he reached for the side of the barn.
Hold on, Judah....

His heart smashed to the ground when Grace set her bags on the sidewalk and turned to wave to the other young woman. His daughter picked up her suitcase and hurried to the house while the shiny blue car – sunlight still bouncing off its windshield – backed up to the road and headed to Andy Riehl’s.

He wiped his forehead on the back of his arm and sighed. “Lettie’s not comin’ home....” He felt a sudden queasiness, which threw him off-balance yet again. Steadying himself, he dreaded more than anything going inside to hear what Grace might say.

His gut instincts had been right; his wife didn’t care for him any longer. No matter what her letter had said about missing them.

Rejecting him was one thing, but for Lettie to reject her children was quite another. Judah ran his hand over his beard and jerked on it, knowing he ought to return to his work in the barn. But his fear and curiosity blended in a surprising jumble of energy, and he lifted his feet to trudge toward the house.

The minute she had seen Judah Byler over near the barn, covertly observing them as they pulled his daughter’s bags out of the trunk, Heather understood something of his pain. An instant look of disappointment had appeared on his ruddy face, and his shoulders had fallen into a miserable slump. The image of his distress stayed all too fresh in her mind as she entered the Riehls’ busy kitchen and casually greeted Marian and her daughter Becky. They and the younger girls, Rachel and Sarah, were busy baking pies for “a church doin’s,” Marian explained quickly.

But Heather did not care to linger and reminded them politely she would be clearing out her room early Monday morning to go to the nearby Wellness Lodge.

Marian nodded and said she remembered but wondered what Heather would do following her ten-day stay there. “You’re always welcome back. We’ll be happy to make room for you, even if we’re booked up with guests.” The engaging woman smiled and glanced at Becky. “Ain’t so?”

Becky grinned at her mother, then cast a broad smile Heather’s way. “And we can cook you healthier meals, too, if you’d like. No gooey sweets and pastries.”

Heather couldn’t bring herself to say there’d be precious little cooked food in her near future. “Thanks, but I’ll figure out something else, even if I stay around the area.” Lately she had found herself pining for her home in Virginia, especially since her father had first laid out his plan to sell it and relocate to the house he was having built here. The very thought of relinquishing the house she had always loved made her eyes blurry with tears. Dad was changing everything, turning her life upside down.

But she knew that was nothing compared to Grace’s feelings, nor those of Lettie’s husband. The poor man had no idea where his wife was hiding. They weren’t like modern couples, who could easily stay in touch by cell phone. Judah couldn’t just email Lettie and find out what she was up to... or ask her to please come home so they could talk over whatever was bothering her.

Pulling out her phone, Heather texted her own dad, letting him know she was safely back in Pennsylvania.
I’m ready to dive into detox this Monday!

She sent the text and began to unpack, dreadfully fatigued. Dad promptly replied, surprising her.
I’ll see you next Tuesday... thought I’d give you a chance to get settled in at LaVyrle’s.

She laughed quietly. “How weird is that, Dad referring to LaVyrle by her first name?” The naturopath had insisted that
she
call her LaVyrle.

But, for some reason, her father’s familiarity actually brightened her afternoon, and when Heather was finished unpacking, she fell onto the bed. Sighing deeply, her last conscious memory was not of Judah Byler looking so desperately glum earlier. It was of Yonnie, the guy she’d overheard talking to Grace. Heather had seen him peering out through a barn window when Grace returned, holding a white fluff of a lamb in his arms... a curious expression on his face.

“Mamma left Baltic before I ever got there,” Grace told Dat when he came into the kitchen looking all forlorn. “Susan Kempf, the Amishwoman she was stayin’ with, hinted that Mamma might’ve gone to see her cousin Hallie. No one knows for sure.” Grace could hardly get the words out for the lump in her throat.

Dat nodded his head once. “Gone... again?”

“Jah.” Sadly, she thought,
I want to say I don’t care... but I do.
She felt horrid thinking such a thing. She looked around the empty kitchen, so tired she could hardly stand at the counter. The thought of cooking a big supper was insufferable. She hoped there was still a hotdish tucked away in the freezer, one she’d cooked ahead before leaving.

“Such a waste of time for ya, Gracie,” he said so low she barely heard it.

She felt the same way now. At least the trip out there, when she and Heather had talked so pleasantly, had had its moments. The young woman and her brave approach to fighting her illness intrigued her more now than ever.

Grace continued. “Susan said she thought Mamma would come home when she’s finished with her search.”

“What search?”

“I don’t know, but this Susan seemed ever so sure ’bout that.”

“We’ll pray so, then.”

She glanced about the kitchen again. “Is Mandy in the barn?” she asked.

“Jah... out with Yonnie and Joe, givin’ bottles to some newborn lambs.” Dat sighed as he ran his callused hands through his hair.

“Would ya mind askin’ her something for me, Dat?”

“Not a’tall.”

“Will ya ask if she has food planned for supper?”

“Well” – Dat gave a half smile – “I’ll do my best.”

Going out and finding Mandy, especially amidst the boys, was the very last thing Grace wanted to do. Just thinking of seeing her siblings – and Yonnie – made her feel more exhausted, even though she was itching to see Willow again. “I really need a short rest.” Tears pricked her eyes. “I’m all in, Dat.”

Frowning with concern, her father nodded. “Of course ya are, Gracie. Glad ya said so.” With that, Dat left by way of the side door, waving flies away with his straw hat as he headed down the steps.

eleven

Adah Esh and her husband, Jakob, sat in the front room, well aware of the commotion on Judah’s side of the house. They’d heard Grace arrive home with Marian Riehl’s long-term boarder, who had headed back over to the Riehls’ place. Yet there was no sign of Lettie.

Adah sat and strained to hear what Grace was telling Judah just across the hall. “What do you think we should do, Jakob?” she asked, leaning forward in the settee.

“Nothin’.” He reached for the latest issue of
The Budget,
the weekly newspaper for the Plain community.

“How can ya say that?”

He chuckled and carefully folded the large paper in half. “Whatever Grace found out in Ohio, she’ll come and tell us, sooner or later.”

“Well, Lettie ain’t with her; that’s obvious.”

He nodded his head slowly, his eyes peering over his reading glasses at her. “Prob’ly a
gut
thing, too.”

Adah had been back and forth on that, imagining what would happen if Lettie finally revealed the reason for her leaving. That, and wondering what might happen if Lettie didn’t return at all. Her daughter was prone to being mighty willful sometimes.

“Do ya think Lettie found the midwife she was lookin’ for?” She sighed sadly. “And... the child?” She’d never posed this to Jakob, although she had worried about it.

Jakob’s eyes were focused on something outside the window. He seemed to be lost in thought, not paying any mind to her ramble.

She tried again to get his attention. “And what about
him...
do ya think Lettie located the baby’s father?”

“You’re babblin’, love.”

Why’s he making this hard?
She reached for her tatting, the question still suspended between them. It was time to make a few more hankies for gifts. She wanted to give a couple to Marian for helping her with a pile of mending yesterday.

At last, when she could stand it no longer, Adah said, “You know who I mean, don’t ya?” She disliked mentioning Samuel’s name in the house, as if it might dirty the air.

“Sure, Lettie must’ve found him. How hard could it be?”

Adah stiffened. “I just thought...”

“Now, Adah, don’t ya have some sewin’ to do? Just leave the thinking to me, dear.”

With that, Jakob gave her a pert smile, no doubt humored. Annoyed, she tatted clear around one whole edge of the hankie before noticing that her husband was evidently lost again in the paper’s weekly accounts of various Amish communities. She wouldn’t think of competing with that. No, she’d entertain her own quiet thoughts for now, all the while hoping her granddaughter might soon come over and talk to her, once things calmed down some. It was all Adah could do to sit there and not go ask Grace,
Was in der Welt is letz?
– What in the world’s the matter?

Grace had purposely avoided Yonnie the whole rest of Friday afternoon and Saturday, too. Now it was the Lord’s Day and the Preaching service was scheduled to begin in a few minutes. The People were gathered at the home of Uncle Ethan and Aunt Hannah Esh’s house, Mamma’s youngest brother and wife, expecting their seventh child in mid-July. Uncle Ethan had taken over the dairy operation at Dawdi and Mammi’s old farm just before they moved into the
Dawdi Haus
, across the center hall from Mamma’s kitchen.

Is it my kitchen now?
Grace wondered as she stood in line with the other women outside her uncle’s. Patiently she waited while the ordained ministers spoke quietly amongst themselves before going inside the temporary house of worship.

She saw Becky Riehl farther up the line, with her mother and younger sisters. When she caught Becky’s eye, she mouthed the words,
Hullo, friend.

Becky smiled immediately, apparently happy Grace was back from her trip. Becky craned her neck, gawking, no doubt looking for Grace’s mother. Not seeing Mamma standing near Grace, Becky frowned hard, a questioning look on her pretty face.

Grace shook her head and opened her palms upward, not knowing what to say with so many womenfolk between herself and her friend.

So sorry,
Becky moved her mouth, eyes sad.

Grace turned around and motioned for Mandy, who was behind her talking softly with two of their teenage cousins. “Time for Preachin’,” she whispered, and Mandy came quickly, her royal blue dress and white apron swooshing against Grace’s own as they half bowed their heads and put on an attitude of utmost reverence.

Trying not to look toward the men’s line, Grace knew it would be next to impossible to avoid Yonnie during the common meal, if not before. At some point, and soon, she must show him the respect he deserved and respond to his courting question.

The crush Judah felt in the long line on this Lord’s Day was not caused by the proximity of the other men. The strain came from the intense scrutiny evident on nearly every man’s face as he glanced at Judah. Some presumably felt sorry for him, while others looked more critically.

He stood silently alongside Jakob, who leaned on his wooden cane and cast him a knowing glint. His father-in-law had a keen eye and was clearly aware of the furtive looks coming their way. They were flanked by Adam and Joe, all of them wearing their pressed black trousers and vests with white long-sleeved shirts as they waited for the ministerial brethren to enter the house. Judah had seen their bishop, two preachers, and the deacon in the stable earlier, shaking hands and greeting one another with a holy kiss.

Squaring his shoulders, Judah faced the back of the house – his wife’s childhood home.
Of all the places to hold Preaching today.
But the Esh family homestead had been selected two weeks ago.
So be it.
He reconciled his mind. What Lettie had done in evading Grace’s recent Ohio visit was neither his choice nor his doing. Still, the way one’s spouse behaved affected the entire family, and far beyond – like a stone tossed into a pond.

She’ll come home eventually.
He’d clung to this very hope all this time, and now to hear – although secondhand – that it was supposedly true gave him renewed strength.

But it was the strange word Grace had used upon her return that had Judah mighty befuddled.
Lettie’s out there searching... but for what?

He turned to glance across the yard at Grace and Mandy, in their for-good blue dresses, sandwiched between Lettie’s older married sisters and several Esh cousins. But he didn’t see Adah anywhere near her granddaughters, where she typically stood before Preaching service. Grace had gone over to see her grandparents on Friday evening after supper to offer them the same slim hope she’d given him: that the woman with whom Lettie had stayed in Baltic had said Lettie
would
return home eventually. Just when, no one knew.

Then, when Judah supposed Adah might be ill at home, she came rushing down in a flurry from the
alt Scheisshaus
– the
old outhouse – the Eshes still kept for workdays, mostly for the men. Dressed all in black, Adah looked as if she were in deep mourning. And something about the tilt of her posture and the way she held her hands clenched at her sides reminded him of Lettie.

Several times as a young man, he’d walked down that very slope, especially late at night when bringing young Lettie home after Singing. They’d courted so briefly, he’d had very little time to get his bearings around the Esh farm. And Lettie, bless her heart, had been somewhat pitiful to be around – downcast and ever so quiet. At least for the first several dates.

But he’d never forgotten one particular evening, when she’d at last seemed more interested in being courted. Perhaps the full moon had had something to do with it as they walked along Mill Creek, which ran through Jakob’s property. They had been out there for more than an hour, just taking their time and wandering alone. Stopping to rest, they’d found themselves standing beneath one of the larger oak trees, not far from Jakob’s corncrib – Judah could see it even now in his memory. He’d gotten up his nerve and reached for her small, smooth hand for the first time... and, glory be, she’d let him!

He smiled now, recalling
der Schussel –
the scatterbrain – he’d been that night. How completely smitten he had been with Jakob and Adah Esh’s beautiful young daughter.

Now the men began moving toward Ethan’s house. Adah arrived at the tail end of the women’s line, just in time. Not wanting to stare, Judah turned his attention to the reverent demeanor required of him, wanting to come to the meeting with a heartfelt sense of unity. Yet how could he, with his heart nearly in tatters?

Try as he might, he could think only of his wife. Surely Lettie was just off-kilter... not able to think clearly. What need did she have to search for anything... or anyone?

No matter what others might think, Judah refused to think unkindly of his bride – his dear, dear Lettie-girl.

Lettie was too excited to sleep, despite having been awake nearly all night. At last, she was going home! Although now that she was settled into the large van, she felt nearly wicked, riding in anything faster than a buggy on the Lord’s Day. It certainly wasn’t an emergency, yet she had paid a driver to take her all the way back to Pennsylvania today. And, goodness, she’d had a time of it, getting someone to drive her on a Sunday.

As for getting in touch with Sally Smucker by phone, Lettie had heard the ring go immediately to the dial tone at every attempt on Friday evening and all day Saturday, when she’d tried repeatedly. Not until a few minutes before the driver arrived at Hallie’s – when the Preaching service started in Bird-in-Hand – was she able to get through to at least leave a message for her friend.
“Please forgive me for giving so little notice. I’ve tried to reach you many times, Sally. You see, I’m heading home today... but I need a place to stay. Lord willing, I’ll arrive at your place around midafternoon, if that’s all right with you and Preacher Josiah.”

She’d paused then, gathering herself lest she weep into the phone.
“I have much to ask forgiveness for,”
she had concluded, then hung up.

Lettie now glanced at the other Amish folk in the van, all of them talking amongst themselves. A family of six, with two sons and two daughters.
Like mine.

But, forgetting to include her first baby, she caught herself. Would it always be like this – stumbling to embrace that first child in her awareness, yet living with the knowledge of that very real babe inscribed on her memory?

Suddenly weary, she closed her eyes against the busyness of the road. The driver rarely spoke, but presently he was talking to the husband of the family, and the sound of the familiar
Deitsch
comforted her some.

She couldn’t help wondering if Sally Smucker would listen to the voice message in time. It would never do for Lettie, of all people, to make a surprise arrival there at the preacher’s house. And what of Judah’s and her reunion – how would he react?

Lettie could scarcely imagine such a meeting, yet she couldn’t deny her longing for Judah’s arms, for his welcoming embrace. More than almost anything.