The Taming (27 page)

T
he whole evening felt like a blur, or like I was in a fog. I stood, stunned, and listened as Katie gave her soliloquy. She had been perfect, and I’d been missing lines all night, or not delivering them with the power or the emphasis that they needed. It was bad enough missing lines without having Lisa, standing in the wings, being the one to feed them to me. I almost would have preferred being lost and screwing up to being indebted to her. I could tell that she was enjoying watching me squirm, knowing that I was dependent on her. And I could tell that she knew what had happened between Katie and me. She knew. And I was positive she wasn’t the only one.

It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done in my life to show up that night. I’d called her all day long, non-stop, on both phones. She never picked up. Why? How could she ignore me? How
dare
she! I’d waited until the last possible moment. But what other choice did I have? My parents were going to be in the audience, everybody was going to be there. Besides, if I didn’t show up, would I ever have another chance with Katie? Smacking her was one thing, but screwing up her big chance … that she’d never forgive me for.

I tried to portray Petruchio with power, as someone confident, in charge, a man with a plan to diminish, dominate and control. There was still power in the scenes, but it wasn’t coming from me, and it wasn’t power
over
her. Something had shifted. I could feel it, and I knew Katie could feel it too. Was it obvious to anybody else? Even if it was, they wouldn’t know why. They’d think that it was just a reflection of the acting, and not the offstage drama.

I was supposed to be taming this girl, but I was almost afraid to let our eyes meet. When I looked at her face I could see a slight swelling, the bruising hidden beneath all the stage makeup. Did anybody else see it, or was it just me, because I knew where to look, why to look?

If I could have taken back one thing, just one thing in my entire life, it would have been that. I’d never meant to do it, hadn’t thought, or questioned. I’d just reached out and struck her. I’d felt so much anger, so much hurt. Thank goodness I hadn’t hit her harder. It wasn’t much more than a glancing blow. Really.

“
And place your hands below your husband’s foot; In token of which duty, if he please, My hand is ready; may it do him ease
,” Kate said.

She stopped talking. There was silence. Had she forgotten her line or—

“Why there’s a wench!” Lisa hissed.

No, it was my line next!

“
Why there’s a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate!
” I said.

We both knew what was to happen next. For a split second I hesitated—she hesitated too. Then we came together and kissed. It felt so right, so natural. I could feel more than her lips against mine, I could feel her
soul
. I held her longer than we ever had before, and she didn’t pull away. I could hear the reaction of the crowd.

I released her and we separated ever so slightly. I looked into her eyes for the first time that night, deep into her eyes, and I could still see love, still see hope.

Now, what I needed more than anything in the whole world was to just have her sit down and talk to me—no, I just needed her to sit down and
listen
to me. I knew if I could get her alone in a room I could convince her, say the words she needed to hear to forgive me this one more time. She’d done it before, so why wouldn’t she do it again? I’d just have to be that much nicer, that much better to her this time. I’d already sent flowers—her favourite flowers—they’d be waiting for her in her dressing room backstage, along with a note. And then I’d buy her something special, something expensive, and I’d be sure to tell her how much I loved her, how much I needed her. It wasn’t even that I was lying, or trying to manipulate her. I
did
love her. I
did
need her. And I was sure that she still did love and need me. I was just terrified that I loved her
more
and needed her
more
.

The final line was delivered and the crowd went wild and the curtain fell. I felt a sense of relief. I turned to speak to Katie but she wasn’t beside me. She was off to the far side, standing beside Lisa and Travis, her back to me.

The applause practically pushed the curtain back as each successive line of characters came forward and out front for their curtain call. I kept looking at her, but nobody even glanced in my direction. It wasn’t like she was ignoring me, it was like she didn’t even know I existed. But I knew better. I’d felt her lips, looked deep into her eyes. I still had a chance. But instead of relief or joy, I felt that sense of anger rising in my chest. I tried to stamp it back down. I couldn’t afford anger. I needed to at least be in control of
me
. There was no way you could ever control anybody else if you weren’t in control of yourself.

“Evan, your turn.”

I looked up—it was Travis.

“It’s your turn, the crowd is waiting … Katie is waiting.”

She stood at centre stage, waiting for me and then the stage crew to open the curtain so we could walk out front. She held her hand out and she gave me a smile, that incredible smile, and I knew in that instant that she’d forgiven me, and my heart soared! Not that I deserved it, but she’d found it in her heart to forgive me!

I bounded across the stage, practically flying, my feet hardly hitting the boards and I took her hand and, “Katie, we have to talk—”

“Not now,” she said, cutting me off. “After, there’ll be time.”

We walked out and the applause was deafening, louder, more powerful than anything I thought I’d ever felt. The whole auditorium was up on its feet. And while I knew that it was more for her than for me, I also knew that she was
mine
, so really, it was for me.

We joined the line and took our first bow. The house lights had come partway on and I looked out, searching for my parents. I’d glanced at them a couple of times during the performance but hadn’t really seen them in the dark, I just knew where they were. Now I could see them clearly. They were only a few rows back, and they were both on their feet, clapping!

We took our second bow, and then I looked directly at my father and our eyes met. He gave me a little smile and then raised one hand to his chest, turned it sideways and gave it a little wobble. “That was just okay,” he said with that one little gesture.

My knees buckled slightly and my head started to spin. I think if I hadn’t been held up by hands on both sides I might have tumbled over.

My eyes were still on him, unable to look away, when he turned and walked up the aisle. My mother, a look of shock on her face, then scrambled after him as the rest of the crowd continued to cheer.

I suddenly realized that it was now just Katie and I on the stage, and I had to walk away, leaving her alone to drink up the applause. I went to let go of her hand.

“No,” she said. “Stay. I wouldn’t be here without you.”

Unbelievable. After everything I’d done she wanted me to be with her.

I held onto her and we took one more bow, together, and then we turned, as one, and left the stage behind.

We were instantly surrounded by a crush of people, talking, laughing, celebrating. People took turns hugging her, and some even hugged me. They didn’t know what I’d done, or if they did they understood. Somehow they understood. It wasn’t really all my fault, and I hadn’t hit her that hard, and I hadn’t meant it, and I was sorry and I was going to beg for forgiveness, and she
did
forgive me—I already knew that. That meant I could say what I was going to say, but I could still salvage a little pride, a little piece of control, because, despite what I’d done, and how much I needed her, I knew that she still needed me.

“Evan, come with me,” she said, and she led me away through the crowd.

Chapter Forty-Six

O
n Saturday, December 5, at the close of the closing night, the first person I saw spring to his feet was Mr. Campbell. He was, in a way, a bizarre mirror image of my mother from the night before. That rattled me, and I popped out of myself. People were standing and applauding. Mr. Campbell was standing and applauding. I just stood and wondered, did he smack around his pretty wife? And if so, how much? Evan had never come right out and said so.

I touched my cheek. I wasn’t even aware of doing it until I made contact. It still hurt. Then I saw Mr. Campbell give Evan the universal hand sign for “pretty mediocre.” Evan gripped my hand tighter as we bowed. I snuck a glance at him. He smiled at the audience, acknowledging our standing ovation, but he looked ruined.

And that made me sick.

Evan and I made our way through the gauntlet of hugs and hollers and congratulations backstage and then along the hallway to my dressing room, which was really our guidance counsellor’s office.

Ms. Cooper caught us along the way. She was levitating. She introduced me to this guy, Mr. Oudette, from the National Academy. I think he said nice things and that an Academy teacher had been at the opening performance and had also raved. Mr. Oudette said that they would be in touch, or that they’d send stuff in the mail, or they had left it with Ms. Cooper, I don’t know … something. I hoped that Ms. Cooper was paying attention. It was like I was underwater, like my life was somewhere over there, I could see it, just out of reach. There I was, telling Travis to give me a few minutes to change and clean up before we headed over to Lisa’s for her big bash. I knew that was me talking, but I was disconnected from myself. Thank God I was there for the play. The underwater thing didn’t happen until it was over.

The end.

Fear?

No.

Unendurable sadness.

Mr. Suta’s office was a two by four at the best of times. Now, we barely had room enough to turn around. Travis had rigged up a screen for me to change behind and brought in a coat racks for the costumes. I’d lugged in all of my makeup and hair stuff, which crowded against Lisa’s mother’s massive magnifying mirror and Mr. Suta’s inbox and pencil-sharpener.

Evan shut the door. It was as if we’d stepped into a vacuum. The sound of nothing greeted us.

Shhhh … listen, Katie, that is the sound of your heart breaking
.

Evan had not said a word from there to here. I don’t think he trusted his voice. Shame, fear and hope had chased each other across his handsome face all through the play. He was supposed to be the conquering Petruchio, but instead a seventeen-year-old boy wanting forgiveness had turned up.

He disappeared behind the screen and reappeared with an armload of orchids swathed in cellophane and wrapped in an elaborate pink satin ribbon. Wrong on all counts.

“These,” he gulped, “are my desperate plea for forgiveness. I am so, so sorry. Sorry and ashamed. It will never happen again, Katie. This I can promise you. I love you too much to ever risk losing you, if you can only forgive me this one last time.”

He held out the flowers. His right arm was shaking.

“I don’t like orchids, Evan.”

His face crumpled and then reddened. “Yes you do, they’re your favourite!”

“No.
You
decided that they were my favourite flower. I’ve decided that I love lilacs best.”

“Lilacs! That’s nuts, they’re out of season, and you can’t even buy them when they’re in season.” He tossed the bouquet into the corner. I now knew that an arrangement like those orchids would have cost close to a couple of hundred dollars. I did not react. Instead I stepped behind the screen and started to change.

“Okay.” Evan raised his voice as if the screen made it harder for me to hear. “If it’s lilacs, it’s lilacs. Now we both know, right? You didn’t even have a special flower when I first asked. Remember?”

True, back in September, like all the years before, it had taken all of my energy just to stay invisible. Favourite flowers? Clothes? Acting? That was for girls who deserved to take up space in the world.

I smiled as I pulled on the blue cashmere sweater that Lisa had “loaned” me so long ago. “You’re right.” I slipped into my jeans. “You taught me a lot, Evan. About myself, about … so much.” I was talking too loudly too. Funny what being blind to the other person does to your delivery. As soon as I zipped up I headed straight for the makeup mirror.

“Look, I’ll buy you a truckload of lilacs, even if I have to fly them in myself. Just forgive me.” Then he stopped and smiled.

The core of me warmed, he was that gorgeous. “What is it?”

“You wore that outfit on our first date.”

Evan waiting by the movie poster. Evan coming early so I wouldn’t worry or have to wait. The movie, the Mexican restaurant and me spending the whole night fretting about how I was going to pay for my half. That was a different girl. He
had
taught me so much. The whole school
saw
me now. I
deserved
to take up space in the world.

I gingerly applied the cold cream and tried to wipe off the makeup as gently as I could.