The Sweetest Taboo (27 page)

later

Is It a Crime Loving You the Way that I Do?

Drae

         The heels of Drae’s stilettos clapped against the concrete as she walked through midtown, headed for the courthouse. Drae was so fierce that her flawless beauty rocked the autumn breeze and cut through the morning air like a .350 Magnum. As she passed by a mirrored high-rise she checked her reflection and prepared herself for the last time she would have to see Hassan.

It’d been a little over a year since she left New York and headed for someplace, anyplace, to start her life all over again: Chicago, L.A., Phoenix, Atlanta, Charlotte, Seattle, Columbia, Charleston and Prince George’s County, Maryland. She felt like a runaway slave going from state to state aiming for the great escape, only to get up north and realize there was no promised land. It was simply dressed-up shit and no matter where she went, there was no place she could outrun herself. And now it was time she dealt with who she was: Andrea Shaw—former porn star.

“Drae,” Nae-Nae called as he and Raphael met her on the stairs of the courthouse. Finally, they had worked their problems out and shared custody of the twins with Freeda. They greeted one another with kisses on each cheek before going inside. Today was the day the judge would render his decision on Drae’s divorce settlement.

As they sat in the court’s vestibule, waiting for her case to be called, Nae-Nae said, “How much you think we gon’ get for your pussy today?”

“What?”

“Well…don’t get offended, homegirl, this is business. I got a vision.”

“What, Nae-Nae?”

“Check it out: You could open a brothel and turn all these motherfuckers out!”

“I will smack the shit outta you!”

Before Nae-Nae could go on, Drae’s attorney motioned for them to come inside.

Hassan was handcuffed and shackled to the chair and his attorney stood next to him. He’d been sentenced to twenty years in prison for attempted murder and, although this was a divorce hearing, it was a requirement of the psychiatric prison he was in that he not be allowed to get up.

“All rise,” the bailiff said as the judge took the bench.

“It has taken well over a year,” the judge began to speak, “since this motion was first filed and the defendant has fought this divorce tooth and nail. However, it is the judgment of the court to grant Ms. Shaw the petition of divorce. I am giving her ownership of the name
Sunshine
and its empire. The DVDs are to be removed from the shelves and destroyed immediately. All four of the houses have been granted to Ms. Shaw, the joint accounts, the CDs and twenty million dollars in stocks and bonds. The divorce has hereby been granted under the previously stated conditions. Court dismissed.” The judge banged his gavel.

Drae couldn’t believe it. Her knees were so weak that all she could do was hold her head down and cry. Finally her nightmare was over and she was free to start again.

“Stop crying.” Nae-Nae walked over to her.

Before Drae could answer she had one last thing she wanted to do. She walked over toward Hassan.

“Yes?” the officer asked.

“Can I say something to him?”

“Go ahead,” the officer said, “but don’t get too close.”

“At first I thought I would hate you. I wanted to. I wanted to hate you because of what you did to me. But after spending months and months running from myself, I realized that you did the best thing for me, which was help me to free myself. I didn’t need you or anybody else to secure me and make my life happy for me. All I needed was me. Ain’t that some shit? I needed me. And I was here all the time. And the money, the unwanted fame and fortune is simply…a sweet taboo.”

Hassan sat still and stared at Drae. He thought about spitting on her, but then he changed his mind and looked her up and down, wondering why he hadn’t killed her when he had the chance. He looked at the officer. “I’m ready to go.” The officers stood him up and his shackles dragged across the floor as he headed toward the back of the court.

“Fuck that niggah!” Nae-Nae spat. “We rich now, where us gon’ live?!”

“Excuse me,” an unfamiliar voice poured in their direction. When Drae looked up, she saw it was Crystal.

“I’m not here for no trouble,” she said, almost in a whisper. “I just wanted to see Hassan get his just due.”

Drae walked over to her. “Thank you. Thank you so much for caring enough to tell me the truth.”

After they hugged, Drae said, “I want to give you some money. Please give me your number so I can come see you. You really didn’t have to do this.”

“Don’t you give me anything, you hear me? The pain he has caused you, this money will never be enough. You, worry about you, ’cause believe me, Crystal is hooked up.” She winked at Nae-Nae and walked away.

Drae looked at Nae-Nae. It was a good thing Raphael had stepped away to go to the bathroom, “I will kick yo’ fuckin’ ass!”

“I didn’t do nothin’. Somebody wink they fuckin’ eye and all of a sudden Nae-Nae fuckin’ him. Shit, it’s more to my life than dick.”

“Really?” Raphael walked up and placed his hand on his hip. “Don’t start no shit, Nae-Nae.”

Drae could do nothing but smile. “I need to call Yuri.” Drae called Yuri from her cell phone. “It’s almost over.” She cried tears of joy. “It’s almost over.”

“What do you mean it’s almost over?” Yuri asked.

“’Cause I got one more thing I need to do…”

“What?”

“Aren’t you nosy? Just know that I do.” She hung up. “Look,” she said to Raphael and Nae-Nae. “Go pick out a house or something and call me with the price. I got somebody I need to see.”

“Oh shit, she buying houses. I did tell you, you were the twins’ godmother, right? I’ll call Yuri and tell her I changed my mind about her, she too goddamn broke. I’m swinging with you. Can I get me a mansion next to 50 Cent?”

“Raphael, make sure he doesn’t get carried away.” Drae laughed.

“You got it, girl.”

“I swear pussies is always hatin’ on Nae-Nae. And see I’m ’bout to hook you up.”

“With what?” Drae asked.

“Check it out. Homeboy,” he said as they headed out of the courthouse, “who you’re looking for is not at Fantasy Island anymore.”

“How do you know?”

“’Cause he came to my house to hook up a phone, and now I got ten lines in my house.”

“You a mess, Nae-Nae.”

“Go to the office, someone should be able to tell you what route he’s on.”

Drae took Nae-Nae’s advice and went to the Verizon office. The receptionist knew she wasn’t suppose to tell but once Drae slipped her two hundred dollars, she all but told how much money he made.

As soon as she pulled up on the corner of Morningside she spotted him. “Somebody told me,” Drae said, as she pulled alongside of a Verizon truck, “that this fine niggah named Nasty Naz worked here and I just wanted to know if you’d seen him.”

“Naw, not since I left the strip club have I seen that niggah, but I have seen a Nasir.”

“Really and where is he?”

“You lookin’ at the one and only. You know what?” He stood staring at her with his worn jeans, sagging just right, his tight, fitted Verizon tee clinging to him, and his tool belt hanging to the side. “You look just like this chick named Sunshine.”

“Well I’m sorry to disappoint you but Sunshine doesn’t exist anymore. All I know is Drae.”

“Uhmmm,” he looked her up and down. “Well shit, Drae, you kinda fly and since you standing here and neither one of us seems to have found the people we use’ to know, why don’t we try and get to know each other?”

She blushed and held her hand out. “I’m Andrea, but everyone calls me Drae.”

“And I’m Nasir.” He pulled her close by the waist.

“Nice to meet you.” Drae smiled.

“Well look. It’s almost time for my lunch. Are you hungry?”

“I sure am.”

He pressed his lips against hers. “Then let’s go get something to eat.”

“Yeah, let’s do that,” she said as she responded to his kiss, “let’s do that.”

Yuri

         It was the middle of fall and the Windy City was living up to its name. Yuri stood on a busy corner of Michigan Avenue waiting for the light to change. Her rust-colored trench coat blew open, revealing the Similac stain running down her chocolate-brown Lauren dress pants. She tapped the heels of her stilettos and quickly wondered why she didn’t stop long enough to change into her running Nikes. Her mother had warned her about picking up the baby and not making herself comfortable on the commute home, and now it seemed she was paying for not listening. She’d already missed the bus headed toward her duplex and now she either had to wait twenty minutes for the next one or catch a cab—and the fact that she had to pee real bad didn’t help her situation any. This was one time she wished she’d driven her car instead of leaving it at home.

Pushing her baby bag to one shoulder, she decided catching a cab was the quickest way to get home. She held the baby on one hip and proceeded to run across the street, hoping to hail the cab she saw coming.

“Goodness,” Yuri sighed as she reached her destination. She was breathing as if she’d been in a marathon. “Little girl,” she said, looking at her ten-month-old daughter. “You are soooooo heavy.”

The baby, who wore two curly ponytails and was the spitting image of her father, smiled and started to coo.

“Where to?” the cabdriver asked Yuri as she opened the door and quickly slid the baby onto the backseat. “Seven seventy-seven Grandview Court.” As she placed her bags on the taxi’s floor, a familiar voice poured over her shoulder.

“Yo, my man.”

Immediately tears she thought she’d learned to live without beat against the back of her eyes like a drum. Her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach in never-ending pieces and her hands began to shake. She bit her lip, closed her eyes and fought off the desire to turn around. After taking deep breaths and praying to keep her composure, she opened her eyes and decided she would ease into the backseat and somehow shut the door without ever looking up and confirming that it was actually Britt somehow standing there.

“I get it now,” he began to speak again, her back still turned to him. “I understand how bad I fucked up.”

She stood silent, holding the cab’s door open and looking at the baby coo, while sucking the side of her fist.

“I’ve spent over a year begging Nae-Nae to please tell me where you were and he wouldn’t. Not until I came to his house every night for a month straight, sat on his couch and refused to move, did Raphael give me the address. He thought me and Nae-Nae were trying to have an affair. Man, you shoulda been there, Nae-Nae lit our asses up. He said child support was causing him enough damn problems and he didn’t need my beggin’ ass adding to ’em. Then he turned around and told Raphael he was sick of pussies always hatin’. I know you wanna laugh, ma’.” She could hear a lump trembling in his voice. “Ya boy was on his knees like please—please—please. Who woulda ever thought I would beg? Here I am gettin’ nonstop radio play, selling CDs like crazy and I’m begging. And I didn’t give a fuck either, pride didn’t mean shit. I wanted you, I needed you and I was gon’ find you even if it was the last thing I did. I didn’t even bring no change of clothes, I didn’t pack no bag, nothing. I didn’t even book a hotel room. All I brought was a one-way ticket, a broken heart and a chance. I called your mother this afternoon…. And I could tell by the sound of her voice that moms was not feeling my ass,
humph
…but I can’t blame her. But she did tell me we needed to see beyond ourselves and how we feel because there were some things we needed to talk about.”

Yuri’s face was completely covered in tears. The cabdriver sat waiting as the meter continued to run. “Miss, are we going anywhere?”

“One minute, please,” Yuri said to the driver.

“Yo, my man, I’ma mess,” Britt went on. “I ain’t never felt no shit like this in my life. I thought I knew what love was, but when you left and I realized that you weren’t coming back, I got it. I fuckin’ got it. And that’s when I knew what love was. I ain’t never loved nobody else. Ever. What I had for Troi wasn’t even love. Love is you. You are love and I need you. Please, I can’t get over you and I don’t want to.

“For a few months, I was onstage and every night I was out there I was looking for you in the crowd, backstage, everywhere…. I was looking for you…and looking for you…and then it clicked I lost you. And I wondered what the fuck was I gon’ do without you? Do you know how many times I came home wanting to tell you something funny, wanting to sing to you or hear you sing to me? Do you know how many times I wanted to make love to you? It was like for a while when I came home, I could still smell you and then, when the scent faded, I cried. Yo, my man, it was crazy.

“Yuri, please look at me, I’m out in the street. Ole dude looking like I’m ’bout to pay a hundred dollars for this cab. I’m in the middle of the fuckin’ street in rush hour doing my damnedest to tell you I love you and this time I ain’t letting you go.”

“What?” Yuri turned around, her face flooded with tears. “You have sooooo much fuckin’ nerve, you know that?”

“I know—but I love you.”

“You don’t know how to love me!”

“Teach me.”

“It was always about you, Britt. Always. Do you know how many nights I cried and cried and cried? You were my world, my best fuckin’ friend! So you were hurt for a year and a half? I spent my entire life loving you, only for it to be reduced to shit. You were a better fantasy than reality, so do me a favor and go the fuck back where you came from.”

“You don’t mean that.” Britt walked closer to the cab.

“Britt—” Yuri tried to block his path, but he politely stepped around her. “Thanks…for…waiting…but…she’ll…be…leaving…” He spoke slowly, his words sounding mechanical as he turned toward the backseat and spotted the baby. Staring at her was like looking at himself in a smaller package, with ponytails and diamond-stud earrings. For the first time in his life he felt motionless. Stunned. As if someone had stuck a pin in him and let all the air out of his lungs. He started counting the time and before he could guess how old the baby was, the day he asked Yuri if she was pregnant flashed across his mind.

He stood straight up and looked at Yuri. She knew he’d spotted the baby. Now she felt she had no choice but to deal with what she’d been running from.

“How old is she?” He took a step back.

“Why? How is that any of your fuckin’ business?”

“Don’t play with me, Yuri. I’m not in the goddamn mood. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep for the last year and a half. I been kissing Nae-Nae’s ass trying to get to you, been accused by Raphael of being on the down low. I had a nightmare about you fucking another niggah. Your mother gave me her ass to kiss, yet she told me where to find you. I’m hungry, I’m pissed off, I’m out here with no clean clothes, no socks and not even a clean pair of drawers. And I’m standing here looking at my reflection, cooing at me, and you talking shit. Now I’ma ask you again, ’cause I’ma ’bout two seconds off yo’ ass. Now, how old…is she and is that me?”

“You do the math, motherfucker, and quite frankly I really don’t see why you would give a fuck.” She slid into the cab. “Last time we spoke, Troi was in your bed and I was on your nerves—”

“This go-round I never slept with her, Yuri. I swear to God. I know you don’t believe me, but I don’t have a reason to lie. The only person I slept with was you.” Britt’s voice pleaded with her to know he was telling the truth. “I swear to God, I didn’t.”

“That doesn’t mean shit to me.”

“I love you, Yuri.”

“Then love shoulda brought yo’ ass home every night.” Yuri attempted to close the door. As she grabbed the handle to pull the door, Britt jumped in the cab next to her. “I’m telling you the fuckin’ truth! And I don’t care if I have to beat in your damn head, you will believe me. Yes, I shoulda come home, but I didn’t touch her ass. I promise you I didn’t.” He slid the cabdriver a hundred-dollar bill, and closed the door. “We cool. You can drive.”

The driver looked in the rearview mirror at Yuri.

“Tell this niggah we cool.”

“It’s all right,” Yuri assured the driver.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Yuri? Damn,” he said answering his own question. “I was that bad? You couldn’t even talk to me? You were my best friend, man. Didn’t you know that?”

“Was that before or after you told me to step?”

“I can’t believe this….” He paused. “Where did we get lost? We got a baby together. I don’t care what you say, I know that’s my baby,” he said as he looked in the baby’s face. He studied her eyes, which were round like full moons, her skin was like the sweetest chocolate anyone could ever have and her smile made his heart full. He leaned over and touched her curly ponytails as if he were checking to see if they were real. He wiped the drool from the sides of her mouth and kissed her.

“This is my baby?” he said, more as an amazed statement than a question.

“Yes,” Yuri said quietly, “she is….”

“Can I hold her?”

Yuri handed the baby to Britt.

“What’s her name?” he asked.

“Bree…” Yuri started to cry uncontrollably. “Bree…Sanaa…Lake.”

“You gave her my name? Little Miss Lake…Bree…Sanaa…Lake,” he said as if he’d won a prize. He turned and looked at Yuri. “How you think I’m ’spose to stop loving you now?”

“I’m not going back to New York and I’m not taking my heart back to where it was…” As Yuri continued to speak her words turned into inaudible tears.

“Stop, Yuri,” Britt said, taking the baby’s hand and wiping Yuri’s tears away. But Yuri couldn’t help herself, she needed for him to understand how she felt.

“Shhh, stop.” Britt brushed her with a kiss. “Can you give me another chance? Can you love me again?”

“But I’m scared,” she said with her tears spilling onto his lips.

“Please don’t be scared.” He kissed her again. “I got you…. Now you have to show me how to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Change a Pamper and move to Chicago.”

“What you moving to Chicago for? You can be her father in New York.”

“Yeah, but I don’t wanna leave you. I wanna ’nother chance.”

“I don’t know about that.”

“Why, Yuri?”

She didn’t answer; instead, she picked up her things as the cab pulled in front of her duplex. She took the baby out of his arms. “I’m not looking back.” She hopped out of the cab and as rain started to pour she ran up on her stoop, opened her front door and slammed it.

Yuri stood at her front window and pulled the curtain back just enough to see him. She watched him step out of the cab and lean against it. She could tell he was trying to compose himself as he looked up and down the street. He tapped the back passenger door, said something to the cabby and, as the driver pulled off, Britt walked down the street. The raindrops seemed to get lost in the beauty of his dreads and the heartbreak of his walk. With every step he took, Yuri felt like forever had finally left and all that remained was the here and now.

As Britt faded into the elements, Yuri placed Bree in her high chair and fed her. Afterward, she looked out her front window and all she could see were the raindrops as they slid down the windowpane.

In between giving the baby a bath and laying her down, Yuri continued to look out the window. She knew the shit was crazy, especially since she’d run him away.

The more time went on, the more her heart hurt. Maybe she should’ve listened to him, maybe she should’ve given him a chance. Maybe he’d changed, maybe she’d changed. After all, she wasn’t perfect, she also contributed to their breakup. Perhaps she should’ve trusted him more, listened more and maybe complained and accused less.

Didn’t she owe it to herself, owe it to him, owe it to their daughter to see what could be?

While she lay in bed staring into the night, her stomach tossed and turned as her heart begged with her to check out the window once more. Anxiously she got out of bed and walked swiftly through her house, her bare feet slapping against the cold wood floor. She took a deep breath before pulling the curtain back. As she ran her hands across the glass, in between the raindrops she saw Britt sitting there. Instantly her heart stopped. She couldn’t believe it, there he was, soaking wet and sitting on her stoop.

She stepped away from the window and opened the door. “What are you doing out here?”

“What
you
doing out here?”

“I forgot something.”

“What?” He stood up. “What’d you forget?”

“You…I forgot you…” She walked onto the stoop and stepped into his embrace. The rain fell heavily from the sky, causing the curls in her hair to melt and stick to her head like silk. He brushed her hair away from her face and they began kissing each other on the lips repeatedly as Britt told her he loved her at least a thousand times before engaging in a passionate kiss. “I wanna marry you. I wanna be with you forever. I wanna call you my wife, my woman. Please, baby, please. I’m never leaving you.”

Basking in his scent she asked, “You think this can last forever?”

Bending down on his right knee and taking her left hand, he said, “Shhhh…this is forever.”