The Swarm Trilogy (55 page)

His hands found their way into my hair again, his fingertips gently probing my scalp. I didn’t protest this time, just sank against the upholstered headboard. A tingle rushed through my body. I stared at his eyes, so full of concern and worry. His palms stopped on both of my cheeks.

“Are you okay? Is there anything you want to tell me?” If I hadn’t heard that voice last night, giving me hope of connecting with Bryden in some way, I knew I would have asked Chase for our first kiss. The time was right. We both wanted it, but now something hung between us. Another mystery. Another wedge in whatever it was we were building together.

I cupped my hands over his. “I think Bryden spoke to me last night.”

Chase’s hands dropped to his lap, but his face fell further. I knew I’d ruined the moment, killed that precious time when we could have finally expressed our confused, but all too real, feelings for each other.

“That’s not possible. You must have been too cold last night. Sick. Hallucinating, maybe.”

He wanted to believe it was true. As long as Bryden stood between us, I couldn’t let myself love Chase fully. We both knew it.

I shook my head. “No. I heard him.”

“It could have been anyone,” Chase insisted.

“I know Bryden’s voice.”

Chase pushed off the bed. He paced across the room, his black boots hitting the floor with a thump. “You wish you heard him, Lianne.”

I squeezed the sheets between my fists. I knew what I heard last night.

“You were obviously hit on the head or something. I found you passed out. You dreamed it,” he said.

“I. Did. Not.” Still, the hole in my memory left a tiny space for doubt. Something had happened to me after I heard Bryden. I couldn’t deny that. But I was positive I’d heard his voice before I passed out.

Chase abruptly stopped pacing. He cracked his knuckles. “You know, I thought if I waited long enough you’d come around. Just the other day I thought you’d finally turned the corner, Lianne. I let myself believe that maybe, just maybe, you were finally ready to give love a chance with someone else. I thought you’d come to terms with Bryden’s death.”

I jumped out of bed, not caring that I wasn’t even fully dressed. A light chemise hung from my shoulders to my ankles, but clung in all the right places. I crossed my arms over my chest, suddenly very self-conscious. Chase didn’t look straight at me. Instead, his eyes focused on a place over my shoulder. Always the gentleman.

“Look at me,” I demanded. His eyes didn’t move. I grabbed his chin, forcing him to look at me. He acquiesced, but his eyes didn’t drop below mine. “I was ready. I mean, I am ready.” I expelled a burst of air from my lips, frustrated.

“That’s the problem. You can’t make up your mind. What I’m offering you is simple, Lianne. I love you. If you love me too, then tell me. I know you loved Bryden. I respected that when he was alive and I still respect it now. But he’s gone. You saw his grave. You know it’s true.”

I trembled, but held tight to his chin. It was the only thing anchoring me. Without touching him, I wasn’t sure I could steady myself. Chase’s arms snaked around my shoulders, his hands tangling in my hair behind my neck. My knees quavered.

“Ask me to kiss you.”

I wanted to. I opened my mouth, but all I could hear in my mind was Bryden’s voice, telling me he was here.

“Or tell me you love me. Anything, Lianne. Throw me a rope, here.” Insistence laced his words. “You can say it. There’s no one here but us. It’s me, Lianne.”

Those were the same words Bryden said last night. The words spoken in his voice from beyond the grave. Still, my voice remained mute. There were too many conflicting emotions streaming through my mind. Too many questions.

Chase’s hands pulled out of my hair and he took a step backward. My arms fell limp at my sides.

“You are the most frustrating woman I’ve ever met! Why do you have to make everything so damn hard?”

Chase stalked out of my room, slamming the door behind him.

“I love you,” I whispered under my breath for no one but myself to hear.

Chapter Twenty

I dressed quickly and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. It hung sloppily to the side, but I didn’t care. I needed to talk all of this out with someone. I wanted it to be Chase, but I knew being around me was only torturing him.

I opened a portal in front of me, stepping through with confidence. Sebrina would know what to say. She always did in the past. No one else possessed as much common sense as my twin sister. She could help me figure out what step to take next.

Instead of entering outside her room, I ported directly into it. Sebrina jumped when I appeared.

“Lianne! I’m so excited to see you, but you just scared me to death!” Her palm rested over her heart. “You should feel how hard it’s pounding.” Her laugh rang out through the room.

“I’m sorry.” I immediately regretted jumping into her room without asking first. “Maybe I should leave.” I gestured toward the door, hoping she’d tell me to stay. She was my sister, but we didn’t have a comfortable relationship yet. I wanted to be able to confide in her like I’d always confided in Mags.

She grabbed my hand. “No you don’t. Sit down right here. I could use a little girl talk with you.” She glanced at me. “Johna introduced me around. I’ve met a lot of great people here, but I’ve really been dying inside, waiting for you to come out of your cocoon.”

“There’s some really crazy stuff happening and I don’t know how to make sense of any of it. I was hoping you could help me sort some of it out.”

I spilled the whole story to her. I told her about Wren’s warning and finding the one whose mind was clear. About how our mother had been severed and I’d accidentally found her living in the forest. Then I took a deep breath and told her I heard Bryden’s voice last night.

I drew my sleeves up to my elbows. Nerves were getting the better of me. Even though the chill from the outside hung in the air, I felt flushed. Sebrina would think I was insane. Maybe I was.

“One thing I do know for sure is that I heard Bryden’s voice last night.” My eyes burned with a fire I thought I’d lost months ago. Just thinking about Bryden sent my body into a tizzy.

Sebrina grabbed my hand. “You have to figure this out quickly.”

“I also have an obligation to help our people and this coming war with the Malborn. And if I believe Johna, the end is coming. I need to be the one to lead it, or start it, or end it.” I rubbed my temples. “I don’t even really know for sure yet what it is or what my role is.”

“If you had to choose between a war you knew nothing about or reconnecting with the man you loved and lost, which would you choose?”

I pressed my palms together, wishing an answer would appear when I pulled them apart. I knew where my duty lay. Everyone was counting on me to save them from an unknowable ending. Then again, if Bryden really was trying to contact me, did it all truly end? Was there more out there? A life beyond our life?

If so, then Chase’s religion was right. My lack of interest in an afterlife became irrelevant. But if Eloh was truly a goddess, a being beyond our time and understanding, then her prediction was true. An ache pounded in my head. Thinking in circles wouldn’t get me anywhere.

“Maybe they’re part of the same problem,” I muttered out loud.

Sebrina shrugged her shoulders. “It’s hard to know, isn’t it?” She sighed, picking at a thread on her dress. “Back when I was out on my ship, my life seemed so simple. I’ve been hoping our father would show up on the shores of Serenia, but he probably doesn’t even know where we are now.”

“I want to meet him someday. You know, after I end the war and reconnect with my dead boyfriend and figure out this prophecy.”

Sebrina threw back her head and laughed. “It’s too bad you just can’t get rid of everyone’s magic. That would be a quick solution, wouldn’t it? No more magic, then no more reason to wage these stupid wars. I have about as much magic in me as a rock. I live just fine without it.” Her giggles raced through the room.

But I didn’t join in.

She was right. If there was no magic, all the reasons for the wars would end. The Malborn wouldn’t care about me. They wouldn’t have to build up a magical army. The Dalagans wouldn’t conquer any other innocent people.

I grabbed Sebrina’s shoulders. “You’re a genius.” I kissed her on the cheek.

“I am?” She looked confused. Then her eyes opened wider. “I was just joking.”

I paced Sebrina’s room, my dress swishing around my ankles like a tornado. “It makes sense. If no one had magic, war would stop. There would be nothing else to fight over.”

Sebrina tossed her red curls over her shoulders and down her back. For just a moment, I was envious. I’d grown up ashamed of the way I looked and now all I wanted was to have it back. “You’re being naïve, Lianne. People will always find something to go to battle over, with or without magic.”

“I know, I’m not stupid.” I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. “But it will level the battlefield, won’t it?”

Seek out the one whose mind is clear.
Eloh’s words echoed in my mind.

I snapped my fingers, halting in front of Sebrina. “That’s what she meant,” I said.

“Who?”

“Eloh. She’s the one who wants all of this to happen. She told me to seek out the one whose mind is clear. I’m pretty sure she means our mother.” I tapped my finger against my temple, straining to understand all of it. The pieces floated around my head, begging me to put them together.

“I don’t understand how the two are related.”

“Our mother’s mind is clear, right? Because she’s been severed! The two have to be connected.” I sat down on the bed next to Sebrina, and then flopped backward on my back. “Argh! If she’s an all-powerful goddess, then why doesn’t she just tell me what to do?”

Sebrina lay on her side, propping her head up on her hand. “I have no clue. I didn’t grow up with religion either. Mother didn’t allow it. She told me we all had our own power.” Sebrina snorted. “Well, I did before she stole it from me and gave it to you.”

“I’d give it back to you if I knew how. The magic has done nothing but bring me heartache.”

Sebrina’s lips pursed together, her eyes sad. “I wouldn’t take it, even if you offered. I live my life just fine without it.”

We laid in silence for a few moments while I thought about everything I needed to understand. “Do you want me to take you to see our mother? I could.”

Sebrina’s eyes clouded over. She gazed over my shoulder at the stone wall behind us. “No. Not now. I’m not ready.”

“Even if she’s changed? She isn’t the same woman.”

Sebrina let out a burst of air. “I can’t. Knowing everything I do, it’s going to be hard to face her.”

“I understand.”

“Good. Now, I need you to leave so I can get ready.”

My eyebrows lifted. “Ready? For what?”

A blush crept across Sebrina’s face. “Well, I’ve been here a few months and I haven’t exactly been sitting in my room the whole time.” Her hand flew over her mouth. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t trying to be mean.”

I laughed. “I know that.” I slapped her on the arm lightly. “Now tell me who’s putting the pink in your cheeks.”

The light blush turned to a deep scarlet. “His name is Will. He’s, um, he’s pretty incredible.”

“Are you in love?” I sprang up to sitting. My sister came here to escape the Dalagans and be near me. I’d worried that she sacrificed too much, but if she’d let down her guard enough to fall for someone, then maybe it wasn’t all in vain.

Sebrina nodded, looking down at her dress and tugging on that string again.

“Stop avoiding me and tell me all about him!”

Sebrina gushed about Will, telling me everything. From the way he held her hand, to how his dark hair stuck out on top, no matter how hard he tried to keep it down, to how he’d befriended her when everyone else was a little wary of her. He sounded like the perfect guy. Something tugged at my heart, reminding me that love was possible even in the darkest of times.

“I can’t wait to meet him.” I immediately regretted the words. I’d forgotten for a moment that I was the one everyone else was scared of. It wasn’t just my appearance. My reputation preceded me. People who got too close to me died, and people who crossed me died too. I’d never purposely taken a life. My magic had overwhelmed me every time, pushing me to release it.

“I would love to introduce the two of you,” Sebrina said. “You’re as much a part of my life as Will is.”

My heart filled with love for my sister. She’d never backed away from me once. It was as if she knew I meant well, even though she’d nearly been killed twice because of me.

“Maybe some night Will and I could meet up with you and Chase. We could go to a local tavern and dance the night away. There are some pretty incredible minstrels out there.”

Sebrina jumped off the bed. She pretended to bow to an invisible suitor, and then she held her palms up. She stepped backward, prancing around the room with her eyes closed, lost in a recent memory.

I smiled in spite of myself. “If only life were that simple.”

Her steps halted. She turned to me, her face angry. “It could be simple, if you’d just let yourself live.”