The Stranger's Woes (69 page)

“Better tell me what’s going on there,” I said, looking at the sky, which was getting lighter by the minute. “It’s too early for action today.”

“There’s a horrible new creature there now. I don’t know what it’s called. Lieutenant Chekta Jax told me to go get you immediately, so I didn’t have time to take a good look at it.”

“All right,” I said, suppressing a yawn. “Let’s have a look at it.”

I pulled over by the gate of the Green Petta Cemetery and dashed to the scene of the crime.

“Sir Max, there they are! I ordered the boys to open fire with the Babooms, but they’re useless against them.”

I had never seen Lieutenant Chekta Jax so bewildered. He pointed at the crowd of undead with a trembling finger. Their disheveled appearance not only disgusted me, it bored me to death. Everything looked exactly the same as it had two days ago.

“Of course the Babooms are useless against them,” I said, yawning. “And, by the way, next time just send me a call. No need to stand on courtesy, Chekta. What if they’d started to scatter?”

“They . . .” Chekta trailed off.

“They what? Are they scattering already?”

“Well, no, but sometimes they get up and start ambling around among their graves.”

Chekta sounded very uncertain, but I was too busy to pay attention to such minor details.

“Right. Now, tell everyone to get out of the way,” I said. “The quicker the better.”

Praise be the Magicians, I didn’t have to say it twice. A moment later two dozen policemen were already in retreat, shuffling their feet some distance behind me. If anything, they were too quick. Then again, if I were them, I’d also want to be a safe distance from the battlefield. When some Max the Terrible is about to exterminate a bunch of no-less-terrible creatures, a prudent man hides in the cellar.

My Lethal Spheres didn’t let me down. The zombies fell on the ancient gravestones left and right. Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of red metal glinting in the rays of the rising sun. I turned my head in that direction and recognized—no, not the creature itself, for I couldn’t tell one from another. I recognized the large earring that one of them wore.

The same ones, I said to myself. I knew it. It’s been the same ones all along.

“I’m so sorry, lad. I’m running late today,” Sir Kofa Yox said behind me. “Sinning Magicians! You’re almost done. How did you manage?”

“Not sure,” I said in a raspy voice, and slumped down on the grass. It was too much for me. Sir Shurf Lonli-Lokli had once told me that firing three dozen Lethal Spheres at one go was just about the limit of human capability. I had just fired at least four dozen.

“What was the hurry?” said Kofa.

He clapped his hands a few times quietly, took a stroll to the pile of immobile bodies, and returned, happy with what he had seen.

“Was that all?” I said.

“Yes. When is all of this going to end, is what I’d like to know.”

“It may never end,” I said. “Today I realized for certain that these are the same guys as the first time. And probably the same as yesterday.”

“That’s news! What makes you so sure? Do you remember them that well?”

“I remembered one of them from the first time. He was here today, too.”

I realized that I didn’t want to sit on the wet grass any longer. It would be much better to lie down on it. And if I could close my eyes, too . . .

“Uh-oh, I see you’re completely wiped out, son,” said Kofa. “Ah, here’s Sir Melifaro. Just in time.”

“It took me just half an hour,” said Melifaro. His voice seemed to be coming from somewhere far away. “I don’t exactly live in the neighborhood. Max, do you like sleeping outside? Is this a custom in the Barren Lands? Do you lie down on the ground, cover yourself with a young concubine, and put an old nag under your head instead of a pillow?”

“Not funny,” said Kofa. “You should take him home. I’m sure his bed is a lot drier than the grass.”

“Hold on, guys.” I made a colossal attempt to stand up. The attempt failed, but at least I was able to support myself on one elbow. “We’ve got to do something about the bodies,” I said. “Burn them, maybe.”

“I think I know what you mean, boy,” said Kofa. “I don’t think that . . . On the other hand, it won’t hurt it if we try. Leave it to me, though. I have so many assistants here.” He waved his hand in the direction of the policemen.

“That’s great. Then do whatever you want with me. Sinning Magicians, it was so stupid of me not to take along the Elixir of Kaxar. I knew where I was going and why.”

“May I humbly touch thy royal body?” said Melifaro. “I would never allow myself such liberties, but you are lying on the dirty, unwashed grass like a sack of your beloved royal horse dung.”

“I think the grass has been washed,” I said. “Why else would it be wet?”

Finally, I settled myself on the back seat of the amobiler, and Melifaro grabbed the levers.

“Take me to my place on the Street of Yellow Stones,” I said. “Tekki’s already seen me dead once—I think that’s enough. She’ll think that this is my usual state.”

“Fine, if you say so. But you look very much alive to me,” Melifaro said.

“Not for long,” I said, and it was lights out for me.

I simply fell asleep. I slept soundly, the way only a very drunk man can sleep. Praise be the Magicians, Melifaro was kind enough to haul my body all the way up to the second floor, and not drop it in the hallway.

I woke up a bit past noon. I even had the strength to get up and take a bath. I didn’t feel sick, just nauseatingly weak, like you feel sometimes during a bad cold. The weakness was gone after just one gulp of Elixir of Kaxar, and I was back in business.

On the table in the living room sat a jug of kamra. The delicious smell let me know that Tekki had made it and brought it over to me. Only she had such spices in her kitchen. All I had to do was to warm up this godsend of a drink. I took a sip of it and immediately sent Tekki a call to express my gratitude.

I didn’t expect you to get up so soon
, she answered.
Sir Melifaro said your entire Royal Harem was visiting you and that I shouldn’t disturb you before evening
.
By the way
,
you can tell him that I bought his joke
.
You’ll be delighted to see his reaction
.

I have a better idea
.
I’ll tell him that my entire Royal Harem
did
visit me right after he left
.
He’ll be green with envy
.

Yeah
,
that’s a good one
,
too
.
Will you be able to crawl to my place today?

If Sir Kofa and my harem let me
,
I’ll definitely come
.
But later
.
Right now I’m not sure which World I’m in
.

Ah
,
that’s something no one knows for sure
.

I got dressed and went to the House by the Bridge.

“Another dead man is alive!” Melifaro said, hiding from me behind the chair. “This will never end!”

“What’s worse is that one living man is going be dead soon,” I said. “What’s with that story about my harem, man? What if my girlfriend didn’t have a sense of humor?”

“Oh, come on,” said Melifaro. “Your girlfriend not have a sense of humor? Impossible.”

“It’s happened to me before. More than once, mind you.”

“Stop scaring me. I’ve heard enough scary stories already,” Melifaro said.

“Is Kofa here?” I said.

“Why would he be here? He’s been gone since morning. Probably gobbling down Xator Turkey in some
Rowdy Skeleton
or other. He said he’d be back, though. You can send him a call.”

“Not now. I just wanted to know about the cremation yesterday.”

“It went okay, as far as I know. They poured the red Yokki tar on the bodies, burned them like firewood, and buried the ashes. They say it stank like all get-out. Chekta’s nose is permanently shriveled from the smell.”

“I’ll bet it was something to behold.”

“It sure was.”

“Where’s Melamori?”

“Believe it or not, she’s working. Someone bought an ancient figurine at the Murky Market and it disappeared a half hour later. Melamori set out in the company of three tough policemen to trail the guy who sold it. Not the worst entertainment in the world. Relax, she’s all right. I just talked to her. She’ll be back soon.”