The Stranger Inside (38 page)

He was reading a note. He had a strange expression on his face.

“It’s from Hanna.” He rubbed his face. “She must have slipped it in my pocket, I didn’t know. I just found it.”

He handed it to me.

“Sawyer, remember when you asked why I stopped reading your palm in the fifth grade? It was because I read something there I didn’t want to. I read that someone you loved dearly would die violently. But Sawyer, I didn’t know who it would be. Or why. There was no way I could help you. So I didn’t tell you. Because I liked the way you looked at me, and I didn’t want it to change. I didn’t want you to see me as a freak. But then … after your mom died, I felt so guilty. I just couldn’t face you. I’m so sorry.”

I pursed my lips, looking up at Sawyer. He gazed back at me a moment, then out the window. “Well anyway, that solves that mystery,” he said. “Why Hanna avoided me all those years.”

She’d avoided him out of guilt.

Guilt—it did bad things to people’s hearts. I glanced at Sawyer knowing what I needed to do. I took a deep breath, tears springing to my eyes. “Hanna lights up when she sees you.” I swallowed. “… You deserve that.”

Sawyer closed his eyes, leaning his head back against his seat. “Don’t do this.”

“Sawyer, you deserve better than what I can give you.”

He exhaled slowly, then stared up at the ceiling. “I know.” He brought his gaze back to mine. “I’ve been telling myself that.” He clenched his jaw, then let out another breath. “It’s okay, Jodi—but could you give me a minute—alone?”

I started fumbling with my seatbelt to get up, but he put his hands on mine, stopping their motion. “No, I’m going to go,” he said getting up. He gave me a sad smile. “I’m still dealing with abandonment issues—I need to leave you.”

My eyes filled with tears as I watched Sawyer head for the empty seats at the back of the plane. I cried remembering his words when I’d asked what would happen if our New York plans didn’t work. “Jodi, we’re with you no matter what,” he had said. He’d always been there for me, always. How could I just let him walk away—yet I knew it was for the best. Best for him, anyway. And I wanted that for him. I
needed
to give him that. Still … I bawled.

***

“We go where you go, Jodi.” Sawyer had said that in the car on our way to the airport. Kenzie had piped in, “And Jeremy comes with me—always.” She had linked her (my) hand in Jeremy’s. “Always, always, always.”

Jeremy had looked deeply into my eyes then—only I wasn’t sure if the gaze was intended for me or Kenzie. So I’d looked away. Then. But looking at him now, on the plane, his gaze seemed to be for me. Me alone. I know because after he stared at me a moment, getting my heart all wild and spazzing, he said, “Remember that dream you had about the blood?”

I blinked.

Okay that wasn’t the most romantic thing that had ever come out of his mouth. My heart kind of calmed down a little, embarrassed. “Yeah.”

“I was just thinking about that,” he said. “You kept saying blood, blood.”

He was thinking about
that
? That’s what he was thinking while he was staring at me, getting me all hot? He was thinking:
blood, blood?

Ugh! How dumb am I? While he was staring, I’d started thinking it might be kind of romantic being “on the lam” with him. But he was right. It wasn’t going to be romantic. It was going to be full of blood. Blood and gore. Jeremy knew that. ‘Cause I had a ghost in me—for life, probably. And she
liked
to kill.

And not only that. I had a
demon
after me. Demons. They wanted me gone. And it seemed they could do that, make me gone … somehow. It seemed—really seemed—that’s what Hanna saw for my future: The shadows were going to get me. I slunk in my seat, losing my hopeful feeling. In fact, feeling hopeless.

But Jeremy surprised me, pulling me out of my dark thoughts. Softly he said, “Remember what you used to say about my eyes?”

I looked into them now, almost getting lost in them. I nodded.

“How come you don’t believe that anymore?”

I swallowed, trying to keep down the sudden lump in my throat. “Should I?”

“Jodi,” he said. “You always should have.”

***

Grey picked us up at the airport. Seeing him was kind of startling. So much had happened since the last time I had seen him. So much had changed.
I
had changed. Let him go. But it was still so good to see him.

He gave me a tight hug, his body familiar and comforting. “Holding up?” he whispered in my ear.

There was a lump of emotion in my throat, but it was Kenzie that answered. Her voice came out of my mouth. “So Grey, where’s the money?”

Grey widened his eyes, most likely surprised this was the first thing to come out of my mouth since I hadn’t seen him in months. Or maybe he figured out I was Kenzie since he didn’t comment on my odd behavior. Instead he gave me a quizzical look, explaining he didn’t have the money with him.

“There’s too much to carry around,” he said. “It’s in big bundles where I’m doing a renovation job for a veterinary clinic.”

Kenzie’s eyes lit up. “Bundles?
Bundles
of money?” She linked her arm through Grey’s. “Let’s go!” Then she said in my head, “By the way, we’re not going to the hospital here. Ever. So don’t get your hopes up. I’ll never go willingly—and it has to be willingly,” she reminded me as though I could forget.

We all piled in Grey’s SUV and headed to Cornallis, Kenzie bopping around in our seat all the way there. But Grey stopped along the way at a restaurant next to a church. “I’m starving,” he said. “Can I buy you dinner Jodi?”

“Oh … ” My stomach stiffened. It was a nice offer, but … “No, I can’t eat,” I said, my stomach in knots. If this plan didn’t work out I was going to be stuck with Kenzie forever. And she was getting stronger everyday. She was going to take over my body. “I’m just going to walk around for a little while.”

Kenzie must have been asleep—weak from being near the church or something. I couldn’t feel her inside me.

Jeremy stood at my shoulder. “I’ll walk with you.”

I had too many thoughts and feelings running through me to even work up a semblance of indifference, but I felt I should run to Sawyer and comfort him and tell him that just because he and I broke up Jeremy and I still didn’t have anything to talk about, that I wasn’t interested in hearing anything Jeremy had to say. Only … I was interested. Too interested. So interested I couldn’t let go of Jeremy’s warm hand as he wrapped it around mine.

I bit my lip, feeling it quiver. “Kenzie’s not here right now.”

Jeremy linked his fingers through mine. “I know.”

Oh.

Jeremy gestured his head toward the church. “How close can you get to it without getting sick?”

We tried to see. With Kenzie zonked, I was able to sit on the bottom step.

Jeremy stared down at my hand that he still held tenderly in his. He gave it a little squeeze, then let out a breath. “Jodi, I wanted to talk to you about us.” He gazed up at me. “Can we talk about you and me?”

I snatched my hand away.

He blinked at the gesture, raising his eyebrows. “Ouch.”

“There is no you and me, Jeremy. I get it. I do. You made it clear—over and over—you’re over me, kissing me was a mistake.” I bit my lip, waiting; hoping he’d contradict me. When he didn’t, I took a ragged breath. “You never wrote to me while I was away and you never came to see me the whole time I’ve been living here. Not once.” I gave my head a bitter shake. “So, I get it. I do. Like I said, you made it loud and clear. The only time you even ever came to the house—the
only
time—was to get your dog—and you brought a girl with you.”

Jeremy’s eyes stayed trained on my revoked hand. He wouldn’t look at me. “Jodi, I did that on purpose. I was afraid to see you, afraid to be alone with you. You’d hurt me so bad, I didn’t want to go through it again, I was scared. I brought Clair with me so I wouldn’t do anything dumb—touch you or anything.”

 I shook my head, clutching my stomach, practically doubling over. “I know what you’re trying do, Jeremy—make me feel like I’m not alone—like you were hurting too. But you can’t change the past. When my mom sent me away—when I had to leave you—” I shook my head, giving out a sob, unable to finish the sentence. “All I could think about was you—only you, Jeremy. When you dumped me that Christmas it destroyed me. Seriously. Forever—I’m all messed up.”

Jeremy slowly shook his head as though in disbelief. “That’s how you’ve been seeing things all these years?” He sounded mystified. “That I dumped you?” He exhaled. “Jodi, I didn’t dump you. You broke my heart.”

Ever since I came back, he did that— twisted everything around—tried to twist the past, make it different than it was. “I never hurt you, Jeremy. I didn’t want to go—you know I wanted to stay.”

“Yeah, but when you left, you didn’t waste any time hooking up with that guy Adam.”

My heart jolted. “Adam?”

“Yeah. You left and I never heard from you again—nothing, no letters. The only time I heard anything more about you is when you wrote to your mom. She told me you kept mentioning a boy named Adam. I didn’t believe her, but she showed me the letter. I
read
it.”

I furrowed my brow. It didn’t make sense. “A letter about Adam?”

He looked incredulous. “Yeah, Adam. You went on and on about him and all the fun the two of you were having.”

“She must not have let you read the whole letter or something,” I said, wiping away tears with my sleeve. “Adam was gay and used to live across the street from my dad. We used to hang out sometimes—until he got a boyfriend.”

I didn’t remember writing to my mom about Adam. I hardly remembered writing to Mom at all. I was so angry with her for making me leave Jeremy, I avoided communicating with her as much as possible. I must have mentioned Adam in one of the few letters Dad made me write to her, on her birthday or something.

Jeremy squeezed his eyes shut. “That’s the way I saw it, Jodi. You moved away and forgot about me—hooked up with that guy, Adam. That’s what your mom made me think.”

“But that’s not the way it was,” I said through gritted teeth. “I never even
thought
about another guy. All I could think about was you. Then finally, when I came to see you that Christmas …” Something caught in my throat. I couldn’t go on or I was going to start bawling.

Jeremy’s warm eyes darted from my face to my hands twisting at my rubber bands. He let out a breath. “Jodi, that Christmas I was so messed up. I didn’t want you to see how bad you hurt me—so I tried to hurt you.” He looked up at me, into my eyes, making me ache. “I’m so sorry Jodi. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

Now it was my turn to look away. I had to, or I’d cry. I wanted to believe his tormented explanation so bad. That he’d been hurting too. That he hadn’t been trying to push me away that Christmas with his “little girlfriend.” That he had just been hurt.

I wanted to believe it … but I couldn’t let myself. I had to steel my heart. Keep it away from Jeremy. With him, it was too vulnerable—too easily damaged. I couldn’t go through all that pain again.

Jeremy watched me twist at my rubber bands. When he finally spoke his voice was so gentle it made my heart ache. “I cried when I read that letter Jodi—the one your mom showed me about Adam. I bawled.”

He rubbed his face in his palms, then sat up. “Look, it doesn’t matter. Jodi, it doesn’t. I just want you to know that—no matter what happens—if this works or not—this getting rid of Kenzie. I love you Jodi. I never stopped loving you.”

CHAPTER 48

I was trying to process it—that Jeremy had just told me he loved me—
loved
me—when Grey and Sawyer came out of the restaurant. I was traumatized, yet so incredibly thankful for their distraction because my heart was exploding. Bursting in flames with happiness. I was so eager to eat up Jeremy’s words, to believe him and give him my wounded heart on silver platter, beg him to take it and manipulate it since he had this whole time anyway.

But uncertainty lingered. Did he really mean what he said—that he loved me—or was he just being kind, sweet Jeremy? Trying to pick up the pieces—mend the damage he had caused to my mangled heart? I bit on the inside of my cheek, my insides gushing. “Jeremy … I don’t know what to believe. You already told me you’re over me.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes tortured. “Jodi, I lied.”

My stomach looped—did cartwheels—but I clenched my teeth. “Then you’re a really good liar—because I believed you. I
still
believe you. You’re worried for me, and I get that. But Jeremy, you don’t know what you do to my heart. I can’t take this—you feeling sorry for me and trying to make things better by saying you love me—it’s not fair to me. I need you to stop.”

Jeremy opened his mouth as though he was going to say something, but then he shut it, silently watching me snap my rubber bands. He exhaled. “Jodi I’m so sorry I did this to you.”

***

The “veterinary” clinic was missing the word “veterinary” on its sign on the outside of the building. It just had a blank spot and then the word, clinic.

“Remodeling,” Grey said, gesturing at the sign. “The whole place is like that inside—half done. We have some doggie medical equipment in some of the rooms—examining tables and monitoring devices and everything—but then, we’re still missing most of the doors and doorknobs.”

Inside, the place was being painted. Everything was covered with tarps and sheets, like to keep stuff from getting paint on it. “Sorry about the mess,” Grey said. “Want a drink?”

He had a tiny fridge set up on the front counter of what must have been the reception area. He opened the little fridge, moving out of the way, so we could see his selection of sodas.

“Where is it?” Kenzie asked, scanning the front room. “Where’s the money?”

“Anxious Jodi?” Grey realized no one was interested in a drink. He shut the fridge and nodded, gesturing his head to the only examining room with a door open. “It’s on the examining table behind that curtain.”