The Story of Lansing Lotte (33 page)

I remained silent.

“I thought that look was for Layne when I saw it, but I realize now it was for her. Lila. When you’ve talked about her your whole face lights up, but when you look at her. You could start a building on fire.”

“I could not,” I defended.

“Oh, Lansing. Yes, you could.”

I turned to look back in the direction of Lila and Fleur. They were gone from my sight. When I looked back at Guinie, I saw nothing but pity in her face. She felt sorry for me which pissed me off.

“Why do you care, Guinie?”

“I don…”

“Guinie, don’t lie to me. We saw Arturo. We know he’s alive. You said we had to let each other go.”

“I know,” she whispered. “But it’s harder than I thought. I’ve been thinking about you.”

“What have you been thinking?”

“I miss you,” she said shyly.

“How, Guinie? How can you miss me? Because I’m here and Arturo isn’t?”

Guinie was silent for a moment.

“And what about when he returns? If he returns? Would you still be with me? Would you still want me?”

“I…I just can’t stop thinking about us together.”

“You told me to stop,” I bit.

“Was it that easy for you?” her tone was growing with anger.

“Easy for me? Are you kidding? I’ve wanted you for years. Do you think that was so hard to turn off?”

“It must have been,” she said, nodding her head in the direction of where Lila disappeared.

“That isn’t even fair, Guinevere. I’ve loved you forever.” I breathed deeply and heard her breath hitch.

“Well, you know what I mean,” I said softly.

“I…,” Guinie stopped. Her heart would never feel the same way. Whether I meant those words or not, Guinevere loved Arturo. Only Arturo.

“I need to go,” I said, knowing I had said too much.

Guinie reached for my arm to stop me. We locked eyes for several moments, but one of us had to make the decision to break away. While it was Guinie’s words that spoke of finality, it was my actions.

“She’s going to break your heart,” Guinie warned.

“And you know this because…”

“She isn’t your type. She isn’t your destiny.”

I flinched at her words. I’d just had that discussion.

“And who is, Guinie? You?”

Guinie sucked in a breath, lowering her eyes.

“It’s time for destiny to change course.”

She didn’t respond. She didn’t have to.

“She’s isn’t going to break my heart, Guinie. You already did that.”

Did I mean what I said to Guinevere? I wasn’t so sure that she
had
broken my heart. It was broken long before her, and I had taken down many in my ruined state: Elaine, Layne, and Guinie. But I was tired of feeling incomplete. I thought the missing piece for me was Guinevere, but I realized that I needed something else. I needed some
one
else.

As that realization hit me while I walked through the cold evening air of New York, I felt lighter than I had in months. My thoughts wandered to Lila. She knew that I struggled with Guinie.  I just couldn’t get a grip on my feelings. I had my one chance and I took it, but I wasn’t so sure I wanted another. It hadn’t felt right to be with Guinie, and from all I had learned about Lila’s situation, I could see how our night together would hurt several other people. Arturo. The band. And Lila.

I couldn’t be certain, but somehow I sensed that Guinie made Lila uncomfortable. Lila wasn’t afraid of Guinie; she just seemed hesitant and a bit disapproving of Guinie whenever she was present. Lila seemed convinced that the affair with Guinie had turned into that, an affair, when it really had been a one night stand. 

After leaving Guinie on the street corner, I had that vague sense of being watched again, and I became hyperaware of my surroundings. I was looking for Arturo around every corner, across every street, beside every car, to no avail. He wasn’t there and the sensation eventually passed. Guinie and I parted with me kissing her forehead and telling her we would talk soon, but I thought it best if we didn’t for a while. I needed the separation from her.

Lila wasn’t home when I got there and as the day grew darker I was beginning to worry that something had happened to her and Fleur. It was after seven when they stumbled through the door with a sleepy Fleur over Lila’s shoulder.

“Where have you been?” I bit, as I threw the game controller onto the couch beside me.  I stood and faced Lila, who ignored me as she struggled with the raggedy body of a sleeping child.  I circled the couch to grab Fleur, but Lila bypassed me and continued in her determination to her room. She undressed Fleur as best she could, without disturbing her and covered her with the blanket. She approached the open door where I waited and said she was going to change her clothes. She’d be out in a while. Moments later I heard water running and I sensed Lila was filling her tub.

It seemed like hours passed before she came into the living room. I had the lights off and the television on low as I battled GalehautIII. I was almost breaking a sweat with the way I worked the controller. I was so angry that Lila hadn’t been home all afternoon. I was even more upset that she seemed to be ignoring me.

“I didn’t realize you were still here,” Lila said, as she stood at the end of the couch.

“Where else would I be? This is my home,” I said bitterly not returning her gaze. I continued to play until I was killed in the line of fire, and then I exited the game. I turned to fully look at Lila. She had on a man’s button down shirt and held a blanket in front of her. Bare legs were exposed below.

“Mind if I sit a bit,” she asked shyly.

My mouth went dry and I swallowed hard. I didn’t think Lila had dressed that way on purpose, but I don’t think Lila knew how sexy she looked. I couldn’t control the instant hard-on that sprang forward in my jeans. Her long hair was still damp and she looked relaxed. She had a book in her hand, also. I sensed that she was content to read while I played, which she had often done in the past.

I motioned for her to take a seat and she curled into the corner. She brought her knees up and pulled the blanket over her legs. The covering cut off my view, but it was too late. I knew what was under there. Pure toned legs huddled under that cotton blanket and I was suddenly jealous. 

“What did you do today?” I tried to remain calm, but my voice shook a bit.

“Walked past some shop windows. Fleur made a Christmas list that’s a mile long and then we went to see the movie.”

I kept my eyes focused on the screen before me, so I wouldn’t think about her bare legs under the blanket. She didn’t ask me what I did during the day and I waited. Finally I offered.

“Want to know what I did today?”

Lila held the book open, but she hadn’t turned the page in several minutes and she continued to sit unnaturally still.

“I came home and waited for you all day.”

The tension rolled off of Lila. Her shoulders relaxed and she let out a breath.

“Really? I mean, really.”

“I thought we had plans today, so I came home after you ran off and…”

“I didn’t run off,” she snapped.

“Yes, you did,” I turned to face her, my hands on either side of her bent legs, holding the blanket down like a trap over her.

“You didn’t answer my texts?”

“We went to the movies,” she said quietly.

I noticed her breathing was growing shallow. 

“You were ignoring me,” I stated the obvious. Her chest was rising and falling subtly, and I felt that pull toward her.

“I didn’t want to intrude,” she said, almost on a whisper.

“I was spending the day with you and Fleur. Seeing Guinie was a fluke.”

Lila’s eyes met mine and she closed them for a minute. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but I wasn’t letting her raise her shield like I’d seen her do.

“Did you and Guinie have a fight?” she asked.

“Lila, I really only want to say this once. And then I don’t want to talk about Guinie again. We were together once. Only once. And it won’t happen again. We aren’t meant to be together. You were right.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was low and she swallowed.

“Why?”

“Because I know you love her. It must hurt.”

“I…I don’t know that I’m capable of love, Lila. All I seem to do is destroy women, and myself.” She reached a shaky hand for me and pushed my longish bangs back from my forehead. It was surprisingly comforting.

“I don’t believe that,” she said. “I think you just have difficulty choosing someone safe.”

Her fingers continued through my hair and my muscles relaxed. It was soothing. It was motherly, which should have creeped me out, but didn’t. I don’t know what prompted me, but I laid my head down on her stomach. Her breathing was ragged, and I could hear her heart beat rapidly through the oxford shirt. She was holding her body still, but she continued to gently run her fingers through my hair. She was hesitant at first, almost as if she was petting me, but her fingers slipped into my longer locks and she massaged back and forth over my scalp.

I was relaxing into her stomach and my nose nuzzled against her. She was firm under there, and she had that sexy hip thing going on. She sucked in a breath when my nose drew a line back and forth across her belly. My mouth watered to get a taste of those hipbones just below her navel. She was dragging her fingers through my hair more intently, and I slid my face down her belly. She had a sweet fragrance about her, something flowery and something I wasn’t certain of at first. Instantly, I recognized that Lila smelled like sex.

My hand came up to remove the blanket from her legs and I heard her sigh. Her hand wrapped into my hair, tugging gently, and I took it as a sign to continue moving down her body. Her legs opened slightly and my nose dragged closer to my destination.

“You smell sexy, Lila.”

She sighed again and a choked sound followed. My eyes glanced up to discover hers were closed. Her head leaned back and her lips parted. I dragged my nose across her damp panties, inhaling her sweetness.

“You want me?” I breathed against her, knowing she was wet and ready for me under the cotton. I couldn’t believe it. Lila gave no hint that she was attracted me. She was well aware that I was continually turned on around her, but she gave me no indication that she could be attracted to me. Unless…

“We’re friends, right, Lila?” I said, a bit of curiosity in my voice.

She sighed again and I blew a breath onto her. Her arousal was heady, and I was intoxicated by her.

“We could be friends.
Together
. It would be a good distraction.” I kissed her over the cotton and I felt her sit upright. She looked drugged; her eyes glassy and confused.

“I can’t,” she said on a choke.

“What?” I softly groaned.

“I…I can’t do this with you.”

“Lila, I didn’t mean…”

She was pushing back into the corner of the couch, forcing me to sit upright. She grabbed the blanket off the floor to cover her, but then decided to stand.

“Lila, I…”

“I can’t compete with ghosts, Lansing.”

“Lila, it’s not like…”

“I know all about ghosts…and I can’t fight them whether dead…or alive,” Lila added, as she held the blanket before her legs like a shield and quickly turned to leave me stunned on the couch.

I was so close to giving in. When he said he had been waiting for me, I wanted him. I wanted him badly, but I couldn’t do it. I
knew
better. I cursed myself, over and over, as I worked myself to get the release that Lansing built up in me. I didn’t like to give myself relief, but sometimes I had to. I couldn’t even remember when the last time was that I had sex. It was after Josh, but before Fleur. A rebound rock star that I didn’t regret, but he hadn’t made me forget Josh like I had hoped.

I was hopeless at the moment. I was falling for the wrong kind of guy, again. I had planned to avoid Lansing, but he seemed to be around more and more. He often played guitar in his room, always keeping the door open. He had a doctor’s appointment with Elaine Corbin, and I was relieved to be able to spread my things across the coffee table in his living room while Fleur took a nap. I needed to study for my history of photography final. I could use the quiet, although the silence only made my mind wander back to the other night.